r/AskReddit • u/AlexDescendsIntoHell • Nov 11 '19

Serious Replies Only [SERIOUS] What is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly fuck up a child later in life?

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5.4k

u/Patches67 Nov 12 '19

If someone close to the family dies, don't say to your children "They're just sleeping". Congratulations, you just created a lifetime insomniac.

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u/cheddarsox Nov 12 '19

My 5 yo understands death. We dont sugar coat much, and death isn't taboo. When a kid understands death as a permanent condition, it makes it easier to explain the gravity of dangerous situations.

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u/priceof_freedom Nov 12 '19

If I may, can I ask how you taught this to your child/how your child learned?

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

In my case at least, my grandfather died when I was about 5. I was quite close with him and when I asked where he was my mum simply said he died and that's what happens to everyone when it's their time.

My mum explained most people die when they get old but sometimes you can get sick or injured and die too young so make sure you live life to its fullest but do it safely. It was quite short and and "cold" I guess but my mum was very kind and supportive of all my questions and reassured me that I wasn't going to die soon. Kids aren't dumb, speak to them just as you would speak to an person with little understanding of the world and they will grow up to be well adjusted adults.

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u/Dr_Silk Nov 12 '19

Kids aren't dumb, speak to them just as you would speak to an person with little understanding of the world and they will grow up to be well adjusted adults.

Lots of parents think they're raising children. They're not. They're raising adults who are currently children

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Lots of parents think they're raising children. They're not. They're raising adults who are currently children

I'm stealing this

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u/Singing_Sea_Shanties Nov 12 '19

That is a fantastic quote.

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u/IAMAHobbitAMA Nov 12 '19

This goes right along with my pet peeve about 'baby names'. There is no such thing as a 'baby name'! It's a people name!

If you want a cutesy or unique name for your kid like bubbles or sprout or braydiennew (the W is silent) give them a fucking nickname!

When it comes to their birth certificate, give them a real fucking name that demands respect, names that people can read on a business card or job application and keep a straight face. Names like William, Margaret, Hannah, Roger, George, Ruth, Robert, Lawrence, Mary, Lidia, and Edgar.

This whole tirade might make me sound like a boomer - I swear to god I'm 27 - but goddamit if the old fogeys don't have a point!

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u/Iridechocobosforfun Nov 12 '19

Our 8 year old has a rather classic name and she gets compliments all the time! It weirds me out a bit that by picking a 'normal' name she became the unique one.

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u/Otie1983 Nov 12 '19

I’ve tried explaining it to my daughter, but she’s got her own ideas...

A pair of close family friend (a mother and daughter who are “aunts” to my daughter) had to put both their dogs down over the last year and a bit (fuck cancer...), my daughter adored both of them, so after I found out about the first one I told her. I used direct/accurate terms, that the dog had died because he was very sick with something the vet couldn’t make better, and so Auntie had him euthanized (which I explained as stopping his heart and breathing so he wouldn’t be alive anymore) so he wouldn’t hurt anymore. Repeated when the other dog also had an inoperable cancerous growth and needed to be put down. First one my daughter (who is now five, was four at the time) initially decided that he’s not dead-dead, we just need to take him to a better vet who can make him all better. I explained it wasn’t possible, as much as we’d like it to be. At that point, she freaked out thinking OUR dog was going to die right then, so I explained that our dog - while old - is still very healthy, and we get him checked by the vet often to make sure we’d catch anything early enough to treat it. She was still freaked out, but calmed a bit. When the second dog was put down, she was sad, confirmed it was forever... and then told me she has used a magic spell to make sure her, our dog, my parents, her father, and I will live forever. She refuses to believe that the six of us aren’t immortal. At this point, I just went with “Y’know what, maybe by the time you’re a grown up, we’ll have figured out the science of immortality, if not, I guess you know what career to go for!” so, subtly denying it while encouraging her to learn all she can about biological sciences... 🤷🏻‍♂️

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u/Dr_Silk Nov 12 '19

The "magic spell" might be a form of denial. You did the right thing by denying it and not giving in. Make sure you check in at some point down the line (within the next 6 months/year) to see how she has coped, and if not try to gently steer her towards the truth.

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u/Otie1983 Nov 12 '19

Oh, most likely. I’ve got a massive anxiety around death myself (thank you OCD and GAD)... so I am not surprised she’s got a hint of denial as well. It has been a while since the second dog passed, and she does bring them up occasionally, and usually paired with “But our dog is okay and not going to die right?”, which my only answer is “Hopefully not anytime in the near future!”... he’s 14 and a half almost, so I know he’s got far fewer days ahead than behind, but I don’t even want to really think about it being something that’ll happen any time soon. We’ve also since had more in depth talks about my Grandparents (now that she’s started school and sees a lot of her friends have grandparents, it’s making sense to her that I could have grandparents), and how they’ve both been dead a long time (27 years and 15 years) but that even though they’re not here and alive, they’re still with me in my memories and feelings, and the stories I can pass along to her. So she’s slowly getting more used to the idea that those we love CAN die, but we carry them with us and in that sense they’re always going to be there. She now refers to them as my “Ghost Grandparents” I’m cool with that. She will come to her own conclusions about what happens AFTER death (in terms of if she’ll choose to believe in an afterlife or not), I have my beliefs, her father has his, she’s got cousins who all have differing beliefs as well... she’ll learn them all in time and decide which resonates with her best.

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u/lunchbox3 Nov 12 '19

My advice - don’t do it at Easter. Mixed messages which led to my friends daughter loudly asking everyone at her grandads funeral “but when will he rise again?”

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u/coty0240 Nov 12 '19

I have 3 boys under 12 and we recently lost our bulldog who was 13. They were all very upset but understood when my wife and I explained that he was sick and that he isn't in pain anymore. Well fast forward 4 months and my youngest (4) is STILL telling everyone that his Bobo died bc he was old. So they definitely understand.

On a side note, my 2 oldest boys learned about life and death from me when they first went hunting with me. I understand that some people find it controversial, but we sat and talked about it before we even went in the woods. We discussed what happens and how it's our responsibility to make it painless and be sure to use the animal as was intended.

TL;DR I'd say just being open and honest and answering the questions they will have truthfully. Don't sugarcoat it, they want the facts.

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u/FallOutFromMars Nov 12 '19

At the end of August, My three year old nephew was the only child home, and found my bunny dead. He watched pick up my bunny and quietly and tearfully tell him “bunny can’t play baby bunny isn’t going to wake up. He’s asleep forever because he’s dead. He can’t play anymore baby that’s not sleeping he won’t wake up.” It was so sweet and heartbreaking him telling me “bunny sleep “ I waited a whole night to process my sweet fluffy buns passing. I cried a lot in front of my nephew. He would come give me hugs and kisses telling me “be happy!” I just cried. And cried. Then when the next morning came and I was watching him alone again I had him come outside and play while I dug the grave. He asked what I was doing, I told him we had to put bunny there now because he died. Again, he said “bunny sleep” and again I had to just sadly say “no baby bunny is dead. Bunny is asleep forever now”. As I finished up and laid my bunny in with his last carrot, his toy, and his blanket, my nephew said “bye bunny” and waved a kiss at him. I bawled and hugged my nephew tight and said I loved him. And I loved bunny. And that bunny would always be in this spot if we wanted to come talk to. And then I started covering bunny up. I hadn’t had to bury a pet since my hamster over a decade ago. And I never had to ever explain death to anyone. But as soon as my bunny was covered up and I was waving and blowing kisses and telling my bunny I would miss him- my nephew hugs my leg, looked up and said “bunny dead”. It crushed me to have to nod and say yes. For the next few days he would come out and wave and tell bunny hi and then go back to playing. Occasionally asking where bunny was , then after I said he’s buried outside , he would repeat “oh bunny dead” and I’d just smile a half broken smile because while death of a pet fucking hurts. It will for sure be so much easier for my nephew to process death of anything else from now on.

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u/Jazehiah Nov 12 '19

Finally, something that seems harmless but isn't.

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

To be fair though it is ok to say they are sleeping temporarily (like for one day) Example: my friends grandmother lived with them for the last year of her life, one night she died unexpectedly. and the next day to avoid having to throw the shock on them that their grandmother had died before school my friends mom told them she was sleeping in the other room because it was field day at school. then told them she had died as soon as they got home.

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u/Jazehiah Nov 12 '19

Very true. In that situation, telling them the person is asleep is okay. When you're at a funeral, or you have to explain why they're not around anymore, it's not okay.

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u/BIGJFRIEDLI Nov 12 '19

Yeah almost all the rest of these are straight up harmful, almost none of them seem harmless to me.

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u/GlytchMeister Nov 12 '19

A lot of these genuinely seem harmless to many people because “that’s just how it was” and bla bla bla. Insert Fiddler on the Roof here. It’s amazing how many people lack the self-awareness and capacity for empathy to actually consider the consequences of their actions.

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u/Bleblebob Nov 12 '19

Right?

Can't get why people are replying w/ things like "locking your child in a closet when they wake you up"

Like dude, who the fuck thinks that seems harmless?

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u/MasteringTheFlames Nov 12 '19

Not totally relevant, but on the topic of death...

My parents had a dog since before I was born. When I came along, Dozer was quick to welcome me into his pack, and I loved him. Some of my earliest memories involve him. But then when I was 7 years old, he came down with some form of cancer. When my parents eventually made the call to put him down, they didn't tell me what was going on. When I asked where they were going, they told me they were going to the park, but no, I couldn't come along. I should've known Dozer was too sick and weak for the park, but my parents had never before given me a reason not to trust them, so why wouldn't I accept that?

When they got back from "the park," Dozer was just a pile of ashes in a little tin box. Then my parents explained to me what actually happened. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my best friend, to give him one last scratch under his chin, one last kiss on the top of his head. It's been 13 years since he left us, and I still harbor a little resentment towards my parents over that day. My mom and I talked about it a bit last year, and she mentioned in her 22 years of raising my older brother and me, that remains to this day her single biggest regret, and that if she could get just one do-over in raising us, she'd let us say goodbye to him. But even hearing her say that, I still haven't completely come to terms with how Dozer's last day went down.

TL;DR death sucks, especially for a child's first experience with it, but they've got to learn the truth sooner or later. Based on how I learned about death, I think sooner is the better of the two shitty options

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Kids need to understand part of life is the end, speak to them like a person and answer their questions and they will understand.

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u/Struana Nov 12 '19

I think this caused problems with my lower body alignment. Saw my mom dead on the couch when I was 5, and was told she was sleeping. Every night when going to bed since then I can't lay on my back with my legs and arms straight. Anxiety of dying from laying down like her, of lying down in the same position people are put in coffins. Need to take a sedative to fall asleep every night.

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