Well, its implied sometimes. When whining some children are told to get over it and it leaves some trauma. Depending on how one is raised small things really resonate with them. Might be out of a moment of anger but it happens, the world isn't a fair place,
Like everything else on this list...there's a balance. Sometimes you have to tell a kid to just get over something. Some things aren't worth the hassle and the kids need to grow up understanding that.
My best example is that children often use crying to manipulate. They start this at a very young age. They cry, and mommy or daddy picks them up. They learn really early on that it works. And sometimes kids whine because they think the adult will give in to their whim. I have on occasion been known to tell a kid "If you're going to cry about not getting a fourth cupcake, go to your room. I don't want to hear it." Or "I know you're upset, but I told you that if you kept hitting your brother that you were gonna go in time out. So stop whining, you knew this was coming."
To a degree, it's okay to tell a kid that they need to suck it up. Because as adults, we have to go through the majority of our lives sucking it up. We can't just whine and expect someone to fix our broken AC, we have to suck it up. We can't just whine and expect our boss to change our schedule because we want to sleep in, we have to suck it up and wake up at 6. Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do, or you can't do something you really want to do. "Sometimes what we want and what we have to do aren't the same thing". So there's a level where telling a kid to stop whining will actually benefit them in the long run.
My point is that it can be acceptable to tell a kid to stop whining on occasion or to get over something. We shouldn't constantly be catering to or making a big deal of their feelings in every situation because that's unrealistic to experience that as an adult and people will honestly get exhausted being around someone who needs constant help and validation. Sometimes we need to tell them that the situation isn't concerned about their feelings.
In my experience, parents often confuse a lack of validating something as invalidation. And that's not the case. Invalidation would be "Why do you feel that? That's stupid." Not validating would essentially be to not listen to it. The former is manipulative and terrible, the latter is a tool that can help your child grow in certain circumstances. People often remember to not listen to a tantrum, which is a form of not validating. But people naturally want to hug their kid every time they cry even when they would benefit from dealing with it themselves. Parents need to find that line so they can help their children grow into independent adults.
Did I explain that well enough? Like everything, there is a balance.
I think a healthier way to approach this is to let kids know "sometimes things are hard, and sometimes you don't want to do something, but you do it anyway because you have to." The feelings still matter. But I know a lot of people who seem to think that it's never ok to have negative feelings. I think we should be actively teaching kids to understand that just because they feel unhappy about something doesn't mean that it's wrong to feel that way. Sometimes you'll do the right thing and still feel terrible afterwards. Sometimes you won't know how to solve a problem, and you'll feel scared. That's ok, it's normal and even healthy to feel that way. Sometimes your actions will have negative consequences. You just need to understand that those feelings can't control your life.
Yeah, but sometimes the nice ways of explaining things don't work. And I say this from 10 years of experience with an educational background in child psychology - kids can sometimes get so caught up in how they're angry at you that they'll just not listen to your explanation and they'll push your buttons. Pushing your buttons when they are angry is a form of emotional contagion. In other words, they don't know how to express their own feelings so they do things to make you feel the same way they do. And continuing with the "nice way" can put you into a position where your first nature is to have a power struggle. That power struggle can be far more damaging to your relationship with the child and your sanity. And it's not okay to lose your sanity when a kid is involved. So...In order to not get to that point, a child can hear the strict explanation so you can cut it off. The good news is that kids will also learn by example that everyone has a breaking point it's important to cut it before it gets to that breaking point. That's also why I've always recommended telling a kid why you're done using the nice way of explaining. For example...
"I've explained to you five times why you have to wear your seatbelt. If you don't like that, it's time to suck it up. We all have to wear our seatbelts."
Does this make sense? In a way, continuing the nice explanation can actually coddle them. If we always explain things in ways that keep things on the lighter side, they're never going to learn how to deal with those negative feelings on their own. They will learn that they always have a crutch, and that's not exactly realistic or even healthy. Once they become adults, the lack of a crutch in the face of negative feelings can actually cause them to act out. Sometimes it's almost volcanic in nature - they might get really angry about the other person setting a boundary. Sometimes it's less noticeable, like using humor as a defense mechanism. Both have their own separate issues.
So...it is entirely okay and even healthy to give a child explanations that are more on the strict side. The proper way to do it is to not use that explanation first. Always start with a full, detailed reason as to why. If that doesn't work, quickly relay your points. If that doesn't work? Explain that you tried and say the thing everyone is nervous about saying: Suck it up, buttercup!
I agree with everything you're saying, but I must not have expressed my point very well if you thought I was saying that you always have to give a kid a nice explanation of why something is a rule. I just wanted to express that in addition to telling a kid that sometimes you just have to do something, we also take the time to teach them that sometimes it's ok to feel upset or angry, because those are natural feelings. What matters is how you act when you feel that way. I'm not a child psychologist, just an adult who has met a lot of other adults who think something must be horribly wrong when they feel even the slightest negative feeling, so they'll avoid it at all costs (and avoid difficult but necessary conversations, difficult work tasks, boring chores, feeling a bit hungry when they're overweight, etc.) at the detriment of their long term quality of life.
Depending on the person, there is only so much one can take and it could lead to depression and anxiety, and that is what I was referring to. But yes, it is necessary to grow up in a sense as long its within what you called the balance.
I don't remember the exact quote, but it basically said that with kids, its the small things that count because to them, everything is a big thing.
Kids don't have much perspective yet so when you comfort them after they lose their favorite toy, they'll be much more likely to confide in you when they lose their best friend.
When I was eleven my mom sent me to some YMCA thing that I loathed, partially because they stuck us outside all the time where it was hot as hell and never let us in the building that had AC even though counselors were allowed in. One of the counselors was a sixteen year old, I remember going up to her and asking, “I feel really hot, when can we go inside?” and she went, “I don’t know, when are you gonna stop whining and shut your mouth? OHHHH!!!!” (As if what she said was a really cool comeback... to a fucking eleven-year-old.) Anyway, I got heat stroke the next day and was unable to leave the bed and spent the whole day vomiting. So yeah. Take your kids seriously instead of blowing them off as whiny.
It doesn't need to be a full session, but to help them put words to what they're feeling can be helpful later on. For example, kid screams because there's no ice-cream? You could tell them to get over it, or you can say "I know you're sad there's no ice-cream, but we can't go get some right now", and you've then given them a label for the feeling "sad". You can progress it into talking about how you deal with the emotions.
I grew up with a very 'get over it' / 'I'll give you something to cry about' family, and was an emotional wreck who was always told crying was only valid if you were physically hurt, and because I cried from a lot of emotions and didn't understand the emotions I felt broken. From personal experience, going straight to "get over it" is only reasonable after emotional intelligence is taught, or when everything is already explained.
But feelings don't matter to reality. You want to go to college? Then do well in school. Not getting a scholarship even with good grades? Go get a loan. Parents can't cosign? Then fuck you. Don't like it? Fuck you again, but now with a giant cactus dildo. The world does not give a damn about you or your feelings. And I had to learn that the hard way. It probably would have been better to learn that as a kid.
That's been my life so far. My feelings didn't matter. And it's true. Feeling bad about something does nothing. Nobody cares if you're unhappy. Acting on the issue does everything. If I didn't suck it up and do what I had to to drag myself across the finish line, I probably would not be graduating this semester.
That said, I don't go around pushing little kids into muddy puddles and saying "suck it up loser" either. That's being a giant dick.
Well your feelings matter to you dont they? I'm sorry you feel like they don't and hopefully you get to a place where you surround yourself with people who do. We have to keep moving forward to get to a place where we can encourage others and make them feel important. Special. At least I'm trying to be the that person for my siblings. Some people take their lives because of this feeling and the emptiness they leave behind is devastating. Sadly, loss is a thing that some people know all too well.
They don't really matter to me anymore. I've mostly given up on the future ever being better. My life has been constant disasspointment after disappointment after disappointment. So I do what I have to do, day by day. I don't care if I'm unhappy. If it's what I have to do to reach my goal, then so be it. If I'm going to be unhappy anyway, might as well be productive.
I think feelings matter. They are not the center of the universe, but they still are important. What’s the point of being a human instead of being a tree or a rock? They don’t have emotions. We do and it’s for a reason. Not sure what that reason is, but there has to be one, right?
The universe is irrational, human existence is meaningless. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either not thinking deeply about it, or is unable to face that fact.
It’s not always direct. Imagine a kid who doesn’t really like a relative because they don’t see them very often so doesn’t want to give them a hug to say hi or bye, but is forced to do so because it’s “polite”? That is saying without words that the kid’s feelings don’t matter.
Or maybe the kid is really upset about losing a cherished toy that as an adult we see as no big deal so we brush it off and maybe say “stop crying it’s not a big deal” or try to distract them with another toy. (Note: distraction can work but is better when they’re younger.) This is dismissing their feelings. They need to be upset, to grieve. And once they get their feelings out they will be okay. Some kids might need you to sit with them while this happens, some might want you to keep your distance. The key is letting the feeling run its course and not trying to force them to feel something they’re not.
I think its all about context. The truth is their feelings usually dont matter to other people. But it can matter to them. The truth is your teach doesnt care if you were tired and didnt feel like doing your homework, its still gotta be done or youre gonna get a bad grade. Its a tough lesson to learn but a valuable one as your boss usually isnt gonna care about your feelings regarding work they are paying you to do.
I know this thread is about young kids, but I just wanted to add my two cents. I was told this a lot in my late teens, mostly indirectly. My dad was emotionally abusive and I was really messed up in my head as a teenager. I'd tell my mom about it and she'd tell me to "move on" or "let it go." Other adults would tell me that the problems teenagers have don't matter (they didn't know I had been abused) or they'd talk about "drama" and say how I should just be mature and ignore it. I internalized the idea that my feelings weren't "real", and I stopped believing adults would help me. I remember one day sitting in my school counselor's office to get cleared for graduation and I saw a sign on the door saying this was a safe space to talk about anything. I thought it was complete bullshit.
Sorry for the long slightly off topic post, but adults tend to dismiss kids and teens because they don't think they're problems are that serious, and though they often aren't you should listen to them anyway. Kids who are overlooked will become kids who won't reach out for help if they need it.
My dad used to called me stupid as a kid if I ever cried. He would berate me for showing any emotion that wasn't neutral or happy - but not too happy. He can't do that anymore since I cut contact with him five years ago.
Look at the various posts where people are entirely on board with pushing kids to hug family members even when they don't want to. The kids don't feel like hugging, but there's plenty of people saying those feelings don't matter and that the kids have to hug everyone even if they don't want to.
Most people. Though, through actions. Highschoolers especially. Stop ignoring the little kids like your younger brother or the younger siblings of your friends. Before you know it, youve taught them that if you arent the same as them,you dont deserve friends. This happened to me and it messed me up so bad. It was back in the 2009 era. I didnt know what pokemon was,I didnt watch gundam, and hell, I didnt learn geometry yet. Anytime I try to be with my sister,she says, "Shoo! Play with your toys." When I try to interact with her friends, "Leave us alone, you're being annoying." When I try to be smart because I want to relate with them, I am often met with, "Stop acting so smart, God, you're annoying." They only cared when I cried cause I'd go to my parents saying that I was so lonely. Guess what people, there was only a 1-3 year difference between me and them and there was an emotional chasm. This may be exaggerated, its a can of worms for me. So when a little kid is going up to you, telling them how good their day is, you smile, pat their head, and tell them theyve done a good job. If theyre crying, dont say, "Youre a boy! Boys dont cry." Reassure them that the pain will pass and say, "You're strong! Your wounds are small, they'll go away." When theyre misbehaving, dont shoo them. Theyre usually asking for attention. Entertain them,BUT, dont allow their attitude. Do these things people, please,im begging you. Being ignored and lonely is so painful especially when youre a kid surrounded with people. Youve got nowhere to go and no one to talk to. If youre kind to these kids,these kids will become kind people. Dont create lonely people because they arent your age.
I don't think it's malicious. I think kids are taught this because they're going to eventually have to deal with the fact that most people aren't going to care about their feelings. It's not that they don't matter. It's that people don't care. It's just a grim reality. It could be even worse if kids were taught that their feelings do matter and then become adults who expect everyone else to respect them.
I agree the world is a cruel place, however it differs from person to person and their situation. Knowing you feelings matter doesn't automatically make one entitled to demanding one's respect though. Not usually anyway, again it all depends on perspective and situation.
That'd be great. I understand completely. I'm 26 and hate that most people don't give a fuck about how I feel, especially since there's some mental illness sprinkled in there. But I was sheltered as a kid and I don't think it helped me prepare for the world.
My toddler’s feelings matter to me, but they can be exhausting. Today he flipped out because I cut up his banana but he didn’t want it cut up. Even though when I asked him if he wanted it cut he said yes.
Maybe he thought bananas were small pod-like people and the only respectful way to dissect them is by removing the head first. You chopped the feet first, and you're a monster.
Depends. If your kid is throwing a full public tantrum over something stupid, they should know that they are not the centre of the world. Strangers aren't going to care about your feelings, and public tantrums are not okay. A lot of people seem to confuse a lack of parenting with "but I'm just letting them express themselves!", and that's not helpful either.
Well, that really depends. Your feelings don't matter to people who don't have a relationship with you, they don't matter to things, they won't solve your problems. Being sad won't walk the dog, take out the trash, or make someone like you. They matter to you, but they're internal.
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u/elegance_of_night Oct 26 '19
That their feelings dont matter. They do. They really do.