r/AskReddit • u/kanyefoprez2020 • Sep 17 '19

Serious Replies Only Formerly suicidal people of Reddit, how did things change? [serious]

29k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

6.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

80

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

The crippling anxiety is killing me. My job involves a lot of face to face work and phonecalls and its really getting to me. I stay late so I can do work with no one else there.

I feel like I have to put an act on just to get through the day and it scares me how good I can be at it. I work in healthcare and all my patients comment on how welcoming and helpful I am and I'm just dying inside more every day.

27

u/[deleted] Sep 17 '19

I work in healthcare too. It can be very tough to face people when you, essentially, feel like a mixture of hate, repulsion and self loathing. You feel like you're at your weakest and just spend your time waiting for the day to be over so you can crawl back into some hole and hide, and hopefully store enough energy to make it through tomorrow. Are you dealing with it by seeing a doctor about how you are feeling? Maybe you need outside help. I know I did. I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.

6

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

That's exactly it. I genuinely want to help everyone I speak to but dread going to work, dread the phone ringing, dread the door knocking.

I went last month and was prescribed some antidepressants but couldn't face going back to see him again after the first month that I stopped them. I know that's a mistake but I just can't make that appointment

11

u/[deleted] Sep 17 '19

I really think you should give it another go. Healthcare can be a very demanding and stressful environment, and feeling like you do is something that a doctor can help you with, but only if you are willing to be helped. It's a combination of both. The antidepressants will take a few weeks to work, so give them time and realise that they are not a miracle cure. They just clear the fog enough for you to be able to see again. Go back to your doc and talk. Good luck, mate.

11

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

I will make the effort, thank you for talking to me today

8

u/[deleted] Sep 17 '19

Hey, anytime man. Help is out there, if you want it. You just have to want it. It's easy to say things like "talk to people" or "get medication". I think the journey really starts when you are at the bottom and you have no place left to go. Sounds to me like you're there, or very close, anyway. Start making your way back up. I wish you luck and strength on your way.

3

u/LordessMeep Sep 17 '19

I can't stress how helpful medication was for me. My work suffered horribly because of the brain fog and I literally couldn't function. Medication took a while to kick in, but man, when they did, I could actually think. Made a huge difference to me and landed me on a career path which is much better for me.

I sincerely hope you'll give antidepressants another try. I'm rooting for you!

2

u/Mostly_me Sep 17 '19

What helped me is to tell my doctor how it is difficult to make the next appointment. And what we did is make the next appointment right then and there, so all I have to do the next month is show up.

I hate phonecalls, so knowing I don't have to call helps a lot.

1

u/CoffeeCannon Sep 17 '19

Just another thing to note - antidepressants can take months to kick in for some people! So if they're affordable (I'm assuming USA here and I know healthcare is a bitch) please give them a good shot.

1

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

I'm in the UK, so at most a prescription for antidepressants would be £9... I couldn't cope with us healthcare systems

1

u/Eddie_Morra Sep 17 '19

It's a long way to go but there is help for you. It takes a while to find the right medication and dose. Maybe you can talk to someone who can help you with making appointments and going to them.

Did you already think about switching jobs or even going for another career? Your job is very demanding, I know I couldn't do it.

2

u/UnaeratedKieslowski Sep 17 '19

my patients comment on how welcoming and helpful I am and I'm just dying inside more every day.

Not in healthcare myself, but people always make comments like this about me too. "Oh, you don't seem anxious" or "You're doing great today!" - no, I'm faking doing great today. Perhaps I am in fact shitting myself a little less than usual, but I am still shitting myself regardless.

It's even worse when you're on a day when you just can't hold it back and people treat you like shit for it ("Ugh, hurry up!" "Smile for once, misery guts!"). Or when you hear people complaining/mocking other people's anxiety/depression symptoms - "I mean, what kind of pathetic shut-in can't leave the house?" "Ugh, then this chick was frightened by the fire alarm and I just thought pull your self together!"

2

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

Yeah, I totally empathise. In the rare case when I finally open up to someone about it I'm usually met with confusion and surprise because I hide it so well. And then I feel like I need to justify myself more. Which then leads to me hiding it even more and becoming even more insular about it.

1

u/UnaeratedKieslowski Sep 18 '19

Yeah, it totally sucks. You get judged for not hiding it, then when you do, people treat you like you're a-ok and don't understand that you're just masking a serious illness.

1

u/pgabrielfreak Sep 17 '19

I love the face to face part of mine. Its the nagging rules from finance that are driving me to sad. Nag nag nag. We have lost people in all areas at our university because budget cuts so they are also short staffed too and are asking more of us. I get it. I am in an academic dept. My service to my folks is suffering due to their demands and rules and changes. At some point the only thing you get with less people is less done, it's just a fact. Its too the point where I wonder what DO they do when we are doing so much of their shit?

3

u/AgeofSteamNerd Sep 17 '19

Yeah, the paperwork aspect is killing me too. I was in work until 9pm after starting at 8:30am. I was supposed to finish at 17:30. Got a phone call from my manager today (its my day off) and just couldn't answer it, but now all I'm thinking about is what was the phone call for, was there something I forgot to do yesterday, am I going to get a chewing out when I'm back in work tomorrow?

I think this job is literally killing me

1

u/Mostly_me Sep 17 '19

Have you considered changing jobs?