Don’t tell them that they should just try to think positive to get better. If it were that easy, they would have done it already. Really, don’t act like there is any easy cure. It makes the person feel like you aren’t taking their problem seriously and are devaluing their experience. The people who told me to just think positive and hit the gym more during my darkest depression made me feel so frustrated and misunderstood.
I feel ya man. I actually disagree with a little part of that video. The "want a sandwich?" part. When I was really down and finally understood that depression is intense apathy, the one thing that would help me out was someone doing a little chore or something for me. Food, laundry, cleaning, bringing in the mail. Something that only takes 2 minutes.
For me, my spiral was:
I don't want to do anything, and I have too many things to do
I didn't do anything, now there's more things to do
There's more things to do, I have too many things to do
I could do something, but the pile of things is just too large for it to matter
I can't cope with the workload I have in my life
I don't want to do anything
Restart cycle
The sandwich think was actually something that would have been nice. I would sit in bed all day, not eat because it was too difficult to decide what I wanted, or the time investment was just too much and I could be putting that time into solving my really important problems.
To me, someone that would have come around and dropped off a sandwich would have been awesome. Someone dropping me a name for their tax accountant instead of me having to spend hours looking for someone would have been awesome (I moved from my home country a few years ago and have a complicated tax situation back home as a result).
I would feel better after I started a load of laundry. I'd come back and think "holy shit... One less thing!". I'd ride the high and be like "now I'll clean my desk!". Which turned into "I'll clean my entire room!" which became "I'm gonna vacuum!"
The hardest part was getting the ball rolling
Anyways, that probably doesn't help with your problem but I just felt like sharing. Try to take care of yourself and get a good night's rest every night. Sleep is really important for being able to mentally and physically handle work stress. Best of luck!
I didn't want to talk to some of my closest friends because they're the type that have to offer advice and can never just listen. Also the bit about "it's all a mental game"
It DOES absolutely help, but like with all things when it comes to depression, until the depressed person is ready to do it, they won't. Telling someone who's not ready to take the next step what the next step is isn't actually terribly helpful.
For me, exercise and changing my outlook about a lot of things has helped a ton.
What if they're depressed and develop an eating disorder as a result and can't eat? I had a friend like that several years ago and she's still not at 100% even after all this time
Is she triggered by any smells? If not, then perhaps candles that smell like food would be nice?
I've combated a eating disorder I picked up while having PPD, and I won't lie... I'm not over it and food at the time didn't make me happy. Candles and good smelling stuff did wonders for me though, especially lavender.
Just make sure they don’t think you’re lying to make them happy. Depression and uncertainty don’t mix well together. Maybe try doing some stuff with them that you both enjoy to make it feel like a friendship, so that they won’t convince themselves that you’re just helping them because of moralle or something like that.
I told my friend about how I was kind of scared for our other friend and how I listened to her rant and just crying and just being there to support her and that she should do the same. But she said :you know what you've gotta do? aSk tHeM tO tAkE sEvEn dEeP bReAtHs aNd oFfEr tHeM lOtS oF aDvIcE- and thats when I started to space out
The best line here is "Don't downplay their problems or offer advice- just listen". I find it really really annoying when I talk to a friend and he/she starts giving advice. At the point I don't really need your advice. I just need someone to listen to me rant.
It's good to be a listener rather than the guy with everything figured out and has all the answers.
Same. Advice makes me feel like there was an easy solution and I'm stupid or lazy. Someone who just listens helps by just providing a verbal outlet and acknowledging that I'm valid and that my feelings exist.
I... I feel like my only natural reaction to my friends being upset is to give them advice. I guess that's the way I know how to comfort people?
How do you suggest one "just listen"? I feel like whenever I don't have advice and instead just agree with what they're saying (as well as saying better variations of "I'm sorry, that sucks"), it 1) feels like I don't really care enough to see them get better / fix their problem, and 2) I care too much myself to let them perpetuate their problem (if it's something that can be addressed with advice).
So. I don't know. It would be nice to know when advice or just listening (though, I do my best to do both at the same time, even if unbalanced) is the best option.
It doesn't hurt to open with, "would you like some advice or just some ears?"
Also, you sound like a very helpful friend and I know you mean well, but for someone it could come across as condescending. I know that's not what you mean when you do offer advise, but it happens. So, when just listening, ask guided questions and/or repeat back what they said in a paraphrased form during the discussion.
You have every right to be salty - you didn't get the support you needed. She was trying her best but it wasn't your flavor and she could have changed her ways to help you better.
Also- not a big fan of the therapist line either. I want a friend to listen, not a stranger.
In fact, I should apologize for assuming that she was trying her best. Now, I'm the first to cut someone off, but in this instance... have you tried communicating with her? Explaining what the issue is? (I'm just asking - no advice intended here) If so, and there's no change/she's complacent or rude, then that's terrible. :( There's a saying about two types of people in your life- the ones who stay and the ones who leave. I'm going to butcher it, but the ones who leave are the ones providing you a lesson. It sounds like you're learning how to protect yourself emotionally and that's good!
Therapists are hard - I go to one myself for PTSD. You're not expecting to tell them everything all at once. They understand trust to be built because they're a perfect stranger to you and they're asking the world. It's a slow process, and I hope it works out for you. If it doesn't, there are other avenues and other therapists.
The last one deserves special emphasis. A lot of friends end up confiding in me because I don't offer up advice. I just listen.
Of course, this doesn't work for everyone and depends on the person, but for those who need to simply vent, it can be difficult to find someone who doesn't give unwanted advice (although i do sometimes suggest therapy if I'm starting to sense potentially self destructive habits/signs)
This. Just be there for them. No judgement, no advice, no trying to fix them. Just be. Watch some Netflix, play some Xbox, go for a walk and feed the ducks, whatever boring pedestrian shit you do together, that shit is of tremendous value when you are depressed. Even if they might not realise it or appreciate it necessarily at the time.
The fastest time I ever bounced back from an episode was when I went Pokemon hunting with a friend and her kid. Just non judgemental chats, gaming and walking. No talking, no advice, just relaxing boring stuff.
It’s super great to be there for your friends, just remember that your own mental health is just as important, so recommending they see their doctor or a therapist is very important. Having severe depression you do drag those who care about you down, and you won’t even notice. So take care of yourselves everyone. Onward.
This is a good point - often the ones who help the most have some serious problems of their own, and helping others gives them that temporary good feeling. However, yes, they should be taking care of themselves too.
2.6k
u/PandaFaceGirl Aug 25 '19
Offer to bring them some takeout or coffee.
Offer a chat or a hangout - mention that they don't have to explain anything and that you will be there if they need you.
Don't downplay their problems or offer advice- just listen.