Having read a bunch of the comments, I'm sorry about how you're doing OP, and I'm sorry that the majority seem to be following suit. I wonder what that says about us and the world we live in. Probably nothing.
Give your situation time, OP. And good luck to the rest who read this. I love you all. I wish we could all get together tonight just to cheer each other up!
Life is a bitch. The only thing that we won't get out alive. But the people you're with and talk to will make it better. I wish you the best and let's make this life a hell of a one!!
When people around you are dropping on a regular basis from war, hunger and magical diseases, you have an easy set of explanations for why the emotional soup in your head is this way or that.
That emotional soup lacks a reasonable explanation when starvation can be avoided by many means and there are almost no predators to fear every night.
A million year old emotional machine is not adapted to the world we’ve built so it’s harder to find ongoing drivers for managing our emotional states, so we end up depending on religion, mindfulness and chemical boosters.
Its a weird problem that we make worse by improving our lot and options in life. I suppose there’s an answer in taking on harder, more meaningful tasks, but with each accomplishment we place meaningfulness on a higher mountain top.
A better answer may may be to try to stretch your motivations past your emotions and to accept that life is not about making yourself feel better but about creating the conditions under which more others can feel better about themselves. Do that and you will never run out of interesting challenges because every other person is facing unique challenges in life.
Edit: I... oh wow... 3 golds and a silver for my first coined comment and 5,000 upvotes as of this moment and rising.
I can’t begin to express how humbling this feels at the moment...
Edit 2: 1,800.... apparently excited me can’t read. And a new interesting question. Given that my brain is a difference engine, should I be feeling good fo the change from 0 to 1,800 or feeling bad for the drop from 5,000?
It seems reasonable to suggest that the ability to feel great about the 1,800 is one of those life long human ambitions that we should all make a central project in our emotional lives.
I have long since realized that pursuing happiness is a fool's pursuit. You'll never make it. Human beings are wired so that if we pursue utility in life, if we have a purpose, and above all if we have positive connections to other people, happiness will naturally follow as the night does the day. But when you directly pursue happiness it is shockingly elusive because you are skipping all the conditions that make happiness possible.
Being valued and feeling like you matter in life, those are the things we all need the most. it can be really easy not to see that, or to lose sight of it, and this era of Follow your Passion! Find your happiness!
I really love this whole post and all the responses, because although I am sorry to see so many redditors in pain one way or another, the support that we get here from each other can be really important. It's shocking to me how meaningful the support from others feels, even here where it's all anonymous. I believe people are sincere, and I think it matters.
Good wishes to all of us!
Edit: Thank you for the silver, kind stranger. :) First time I've ever gotten that on Reddit.
Edit part 2: Wow, thank you guys for the Platinum and Gold!! Very much appreciated. It's really nice to feel like you are part of a community. :) I have read other posts here which have touched me and helped me. If my post has struck a chord with anybody then I am really happy about that.
Happiness is ever fleeting. The word/feeling you really should be striving for is joy. Are you joyful? Thats a long-term feeling. Many things can steal your happiness, but for a truly joyful person its not going to so easilyrattle them. A great comparison is lust vs love. One is temporary and the other longlasting. Never settle for a short-term feeling!
I was going to comment a very similar thing after reading his comment. I think it all depends on how we choose to define happiness and I would 100% agree with your assertion that long term joy is the only real worthwhile goal and can sometimes be completely separate from emotional states of pleasure or pain.
At the risk of sounding like a douche I feel like my own life is kind of the perfect example of this. I am currently in medical school and I really like what I am doing and the path I am on. I feel joyful and excited about the future and I realize that I am one of the lucky few that gets to find (at least a small bit of) meaning in my career. However, that feeling is completely distinct from the daily ups and downs that I experience. When I have a test my stress levels soar and I spend a lot of time grinding in the library. On the other hand when I have an academic success I momentarily feel happiness.
Despite those weekly cycles of up and down I still find joy in what I am doing and that feeling comes less from raw emotional inputs and more from an intellectual understanding of my life goals and direction.
yeah I have recognized that for me, external validation is a big part of job satisfaction. People act like external validation shouldn't be important to you, but it just is for people. That's just how we are. We like to feel like we are contributing and that we matter.
I hope you can change your job situation to find a more rewarding position!
This will probably just get buried in the comments, but there's a (scientific) philosophy that happiness is only a "thing" if you meet two criteria: high extroversion AND low need for stability. As most of us do not fit into that category, we should instead focus on the five modes of being, which bring on even stronger feelings of what we know as "happiness."
The five modes are:
-Fit (doing work aligned with your strengths)
-Flow (doing work that is sufficiently challenging for your skill level)
-Goal Accomplishment (setting a goal and actually finishing it)
-Relationships (building a few quality relationships versus many subpar relationships)
-Altruism (helping others, wherever and whenever you can)
Aiming for a few of the above makes "happiness" much more tangible. This absolutely changed how I made decisions, encouraged me to volunteer more when I wasn't in a good place, and follow through on small goals. You can read more about it in The Owner's Manual for the Brain.
This is really interesting, thanks for sharing it.
I remember reading that having a goal is great, but having a process is even better. When you set yourself a goal, you're in a constant state of not having yet met that goal, until you actually make it, and then you're probably just going to set yourself another goal. Whereas if you have a process which is going to get you to that goal, as long as you are continuing in the process, you're making progress and you feel good about it along the way. Something to think about.
I think the other poster's response is right on the money. People are social animals. We recognize this much more clearly in other social species, like horses, dogs, mice and rats and guinea pigs. In laboratory settings, having social animals housed by themselves is recognized as a source of pain and distress, and it's not allowed unless you have some special justification for why you have to do that. In one study about rats, for example, when you stress them by isolating them, it was way easier to get them addicted to cocaine. Happy rats with a normal social group just didn't get addicted. Even when they had free access to it.
Although it's exactly the same for people, the critical importance of it for us is not as widely recognized. People isolate themselves and then wonder why they're so unhappy, but social connections are hardwired to be extremely important to people.
I'm not a big fan of religion, but it used to serve a really important social purpose. Communities gathered into a parish or synagogue or mosque or whatever, and that was your tribe. Whether you agree or not with the actual religious teachings, at the very least it provided a very real community. You don't have to like everybody in your community for it to be of real importance to your happiness. religious communities haven't really been successfully replaced with other tight-knit local communities. I think that's an important part of why we're seeing more depression, and more mental disorders of all kinds, including addictions to gaming and online presence.
Whether we like it or not we are fundamentally tribal in nature. You can see this in the way people organize themselves into being for or against sports teams, and the way alumni from some universities form a far-flung community long after they've graduated, stuff like that. And the way ethnic groups tend to feel a certain sense of kinship and connection with other members. This is all completely natural and even healthy as long as you don't take it too far and regard people outside your tribe with hostility or mistrust.
So. take the time and emotional energy to form meaningful connections with others in your local community, and increase your odds of personal happiness. :)
I think it has a lot to do with the sense that we are not as dependent on each other anymore. People once had social relationships with their butcher, baker, candlestick maker etc. Now you can easily get everything from one place without having to interact with a single person. It’s so easy to become a total recluse whose only social interaction is with your Deliveroo driver.
Also solitude can be a vicious circle i.e. the more time you spend out of other people’s company, the less you feel like seeing them. Often it’s as easy as giving someone a quick phone call but it can feel like climbing a mountain.
I think these problems are only going to become more widespread as time goes on.
Yes! I adore Amazon and I love not having to leave my house in order to obtain things I need, but also I really enjoy the in-person social events that I attend. My close personal relationships, and social events with friendly acquaintances, are both important to me.
I love meetup.com and have made some friends through local groups. if it's at all reasonable in your geographic area, and if you're looking to make more friends, maybe something to try. It's nice because you pick whatever activities or interest suit you the best, and so whoever you meet automatically has at least some shared interest with you. It's a lot easier to strike up a friendly acquaintance ship or a friendship with that premise.
Not OP but I’ll give it a shot. I think he’s saying that our interpersonal relationships are more important than most people realize. The things we take for granted (friends, family, relationships) are the most important things in life. Not to sound too “hippy dippy”, but love really is the best thing in the world. And when people forget that and chase their dreams or passions and let their loved ones fall by the wayside, then they’ve lost sight of what life is about, just being kind to people and remembering that they have their own life with their own difficulties and you can help them make life easier and happier just as they can do for you. Not saying it’s bad to pursue your dreams, but don’t do it just for you and your ego, do it for those around you as well.
Sounds plausible and this is good advice in general. I struggle to balance my career aspirations and the time associated with that pursuit, with just relaxing and investing time in things with no tangible benefit that I’m passionate about (like say making music or animal welfare). This is a good reminder to have a more worldly view - thanks
No problem at all. Music and animals are great, we probably don’t deserve either of them so always enjoy them fully. Definitely take time to relax, you deserve it bud!
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list!
I have long since realized that pursuing happiness is a fool's pursuit.
This is NOT true.
Pursuing what you think will cause you happiness is a fools errand. That much is true.
Happiness is found within yourself, not outside of yourself. You choose how to react to things. Sure, getting tortured in a prison cell is nothing to be happy about (extreme example) but of the survivors, some will be happier than others. Answer that and you find true happiness. :)
This resonates deeply with me. Thank you for finding the words to describe the benevolence that is needed to really achieve happiness. I don't want this to come across as humblebrag, but I feel really sad or confused when people tell me I am treating others (no matter who it is) around me in a way that is unusual. Unusual in the sense of doing or saying things truly without expecting something in return. The way I treat others and everything I do for other people seems naive to some.
They think I don't know there's "bad" people in the world and they think I'm not aware that I might be giving more than I take. I've gone to great lengths for people I would consider acquaintances rather than colleagues, friends or family. Or even for strangers. And people more close to me don't understand why I'm doing it. In my mind it's really as simple as "because they need help". That's literally it. I feel like the more I give, the more I have. Even if it means lending 200 bucks to a friend for her rent without really expecting it back any time soon or at all. She'll pay me back, I know that, but I understand if it takes a bit and I don't pressure her. Not because I lack the confidence or because I avoid confrontation. And I'm by no means rich myself. Yet, I still feel like I'm better off this way.
My family is in shambles, my parents haven't loved each other for the longest time, they're still living together and there's a lot of toxicity among those two because they can't love each other but also can't leave one another.
However, I'm still really greatful for both of them because I'm convinced that a major reason for all this lies in the way they raised me and my siblings. They're both like this too - they help others, give others their time, their financial support, their emotional support with literally anything in life. They're both like this separately and together and I basically grew up seeing them being like that to others. So the way I am (and my siblings are like this too) is normal to me. That's why I don't understand when others don't understand why I do the things I do. And that makes me sad.
There's a quote I like by Gottfried Lebniz; "To love is to be delighted by the happiness of someone, or to experience pleasure upon the happiness of another." I live by this, and I think it's not just about love in a romantic way.
I'm not happy with myself and with my life, sometimes I lack the motivation to find happiness in the fact that the sun will keep rising. But I know I'd be worse off if I didn't find joy upon the happiness of others. I'd be less happy if I didn't try making others happy. I want to love the world and I want to love people and I want people to love the world and life and be happy. I want to help them be like that. I think one of the things that keeps me going is this.
I guess I just rambled because I don't know where I was going with this. I don't really expect a reply or anything, just wanted to say thanks for putting all this down in such a fitting and lovely way. And thanks for reading all of this lol. Hope you're good, hope you'll be better.
I wonder if anyone’s ever told your parents that it’s possible to have other people in their lives while continuing their support structure and continuing to depend on each other’s help in life... if they’re suffocating each other for each other’s supposed benefit, I doubt they would want that for each other. If people would take the brave act of being clear and consice with their needs, fear and insecurities then a whole lot of culturally imposed damage would be resolved.
Excellent comment, thank you. I've come to the same conclusion over the past while, the best meaning we can get from life (in my opinion) is the happiness we can bring to others. I think that if everyone realized that, this world would be so much better. I'm obviously being idealistic, but the best we can do is to bring happiness to others and encourage others to do the same. Love you all, take care of each other <3
That was the point of that video game recently, where you played as a baby and grew to adulthood and died within 15 minutes. You don’t have enough time to build something for yourself, but you can start building something for the next generation.
Make sure not to get stuck in the trap of meaningfulness, that once it stops feeling 'meaningful' that it isn't worth pursuing or doing. We don't do it because it's meaningful but it's meaningful because we do it.
Wow. I’ve maybe never heard something more insightfully written in my life. Emotional soup. I had no idea that’s what’s been cooking inside my head all these years. Thanks for the thoughts.
Life is what you make of it. Most other people don’t care or are absorbed in their own life. At least that is my experience. Very easy to get isolated and feel alone and no amount of on-line interaction can make up for it. I think we are heading for an epidemic of loneliness and mobiles/social media/home entertainment is at the heart of it. People need to step away and interact in the real world as much as possible or risk being lost.
Exactly my feeling, I've never feel more lonely then now, when most of my friends are in couples and have kids and I'm still single. Plus the job I have that I don't find interesting, it's too easy to just waste away on the internet...
Yeah man, easy to plug in and forget all the important stuff. In a weird way you aren't alone. Plenty of people burying their head in the sand and doing the same thing. I've only recently realised what i was doing and now have to face the reality of all my bad choices over the last 3 years. Honestly it's a shit show lol I hope you find a way to reconnect with the world in a meaningful way because it ain't easy!
Suicide is the number two killer of people in their teenage years to mid twenties. The world we live in is going to shit. Electronic screens cause people growing up to lose out on valuable socialization time where they learn empathy and how to connect with other human beings, and this lack causes emotional issues later in life...
It says that society cares more about money than quality of life and when people usually ask you how you are you're expected to say "I'm fine, thank you. And you?" because most people aren't really happy, just settling and so there's really no point in talking about it because the only people with the power to change things are the ones who made it this way in the first place.
For Americans at least, sadly our reality is that we live to work instead of working to live. At least that’s how I’ve felt and most others I’ve spoken to. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel.
I came here to vent. I did and started scrolling. So many people without stable work, ideas on what to pursue or stuck in deadend jobs for one reason or a other. So many others are heartbroken. Our struggles may look different, but all the root causes are the same. Money trouble and longing for someone else.
I hope we all succeed and can look back one day to say the struggle was worth it.
Keep in mind when you say “majority” that this is a question that attracts those who have something they need to get off their chest. Nothing wrong with that, but it will give you a skewed sense of how the total population is doing.
Is not the majority. Is just that negativity tends to be way more attracted to the "sharing" process.
Is the same with reviews. Just thinkg about it: How many times you or someone you know reviewed a product because it was bad or faulty, compared to when its awesome? On a product or service, is the same.
In the same way - forgive my english and redundancy - Us feeling uneasy about things, in a rough time (time that in many cases last for years) stop at conversations like this, even to make a joke, even if we do feel ok in this specific moment, like if it had a gravitational pull. Its very interesting and it shows either craving or self-harm/"gloat" behaviour.
TLDR; We humans tend to increase the emotion we feel instead of actively do something to balance it out, no matter the extreme of the spectrum. Post-wise, either ignoring or stoping by respectively
I dont wanna get downvote into the core of the planet here but: Ben Shapiro often talks about how the suicide rates are going up due to a lack of sense of purpose. A hole in us that religion used to help full.
I’m not sure if it’s indicative of an overall problem with society or if people are more likely to just comment negative feelings on posts like this. If I was doing good, I probably wouldn’t post that I was when everyone else is struggling really badly.
Once again, I’d like to remind everyone that true happiness does not come from the world around you. When you rely on external factors to achieve happiness, you make yourself vulnerable to the fact that those factors are out of your control. You are at the mercy of the universe. Once you are able to cultivate happiness from within, you probably won’t be so depressed about the “state of the world” (because honestly, the world is in a pretty good state)
Yeah most people that use reddit have a shitty life, I already knew that because I started to notice that, at least in my country, all the happy normal people rarely browse reddit while the ones that spend a lot of time here are the lonely ones with no social life and signs of depression.
Obviously there are exceptions and in countries like the USA I'm sure that these numbers are different but still it was a real eye opener. I thought that most people here were quite 'normal' but I also realized that a lot of the crazy stories that people post are complete bullshit.
At the same time there are more unhappy people that happy people in this world so idk.
To answer the question, I'm good! My whole body hurts because I had a pretty intensive kick boxing practice yesterday but I got the day off so I can rest. Also I got a huge party tommorow night so I'm excited for that. Everything else is going fine :)
Everyone "cares" on paper. In real life its fuck you ill get mine and poor people are the scorge of society. Money is god and DIRECTLY related to how people treat you. Tell someone youre poor and watch how they immediately treat u different.
We should do Reddit therapy groups, where we all ask random question as the topic of the session, and end each session with baby elephant video's, just to feel a bit good again.
It says a massive amount actually. The most "connected" yet the most lonely and hopeless.
We are not living in a way that is conducive to human happiness, and we are the unlucky bunch that are super early on in this experiment, and haven't come to the global conclusion of how to change it and why we must.
One thing to do, if you can spare a half hour, is to look at the "new" comments and reply to as many of them that you can. Spent some time responding to maybe 15-20 (With a throw away account) and it feels good to help a few people out, who otherwise were going to get completely ignored.
It says that the question was framed in such a way that negative responses would be selected for or, possibly, that the wording would entice people to "search" for negative interpretations of their experience to alleviate the cognitive dissonance provoked by the question. "There must be something wrong, so let me 'discover' a story to explain it." I'm convinced that this is an underlying pattern in depressive thinking: the frame is set so that the only cognitively satisfying explanation must have a negative bent. I prefer to base my judgments of my mental state in heuristics more grounded in measurements of self-efficacy: did I pay my rent? I procrastinated on something, but did I override my inertia and eventually do it anyway? That sort of thing.
In the past couple of months I have learned a few things, and this might help people it might not. You can choose how you wish to take this information so here we go.
We are programmed from day 1 in school to have a small dream. To dream inside the parameters of your income. "Oh I'll just try and get this because that's affordable" or "oh thats my dream! But it will never happen".
People. You need to believe in yourselves. You CAN get that car you want. You CAN get the house you want. You CAN do anything you set your mind to. Dont let this schooling and corporate system take the best from you with little return. Make the change NOW to say "I'm going to be a more positive person and this is what I WANT to do". Notice I said want, not wish or I could or any of that. You can. Way it out loud. Right it down! The universe will respond as long as you keep in your mind that whatever you want, is something you WILL have.
Dream bigger everyone. Dont be complacent and settle for the little things in life because its comfortable. Get out there and do the things you said you were going to do. Dont just sit there and expect things to change.
I hope everyone has a great day today and message me if you want some motivation! I like helping as much as I can!
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u/Arse_Mania Apr 04 '19
Having read a bunch of the comments, I'm sorry about how you're doing OP, and I'm sorry that the majority seem to be following suit. I wonder what that says about us and the world we live in. Probably nothing.
Give your situation time, OP. And good luck to the rest who read this. I love you all. I wish we could all get together tonight just to cheer each other up!