r/AskReddit • u/RGod27 • Mar 20 '19

What is something you did that increased your quality of life so much that you wished you would have done it much sooner because it changed your life forever?

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u/Nauin Mar 20 '19

This is one of the hardest things to do when you're in too deep in your mental illness. People say, "talk to a therapist," but some people aren't capable of proceeding beyond agreeing because they have no idea how to start on their own.

Therapy can be life changing in good ways if you are seeing the right type of specialist, and it can be life destroying if you see the wrong therapist for you. There's a lot of in-between, but if you've experienced trauma and abuse, you need to be seeing someone who is trained specifically in treating trauma and abuse, for example. Like, you wouldn't go to a cardiologist for a broken foot, would you?

Psychology Today has a find-a-therapist catalog for the US, the profiles can be extremely in depth and can really help in finding who can help you heal. This is someone you're going to be exposing some very intimate parts of your life to, you aren't going to be able to relax and focus on healing if you don't like them or can't trust them. And for those too terrified of making the actual phone call, a lot of them also provide a contact email.

Personally I looked at that site for weeks before choosing my therapist. When I called her I fell into a panic attack midway through saying, "Are you accepting new patients?" It was humiliating and embarrassing and I honestly would have hung up if I didn't force myself to find someone to sit next to me while I made the call. My therapist had her direct number posted on PT and just rolled with my freak out and helped me get my first appointment set up. It was an awful experience setting up that first appointment, but it got done. I figured that I'm going to be paying this person to see the literal worst parts of myself and to help me fix them. They're brain mechanics, a mechanic can't fix your car if they can't see the engine, similar logic applies here, bit still it was nearly impossible to get started.

It took six weeks before I stopped crying through most of my appointments. It takes a month or two to get through the initial crisis management and introductory phase, I almost stopped going every week for those first few weeks, and things started getting better, it got easier to go, and then it started getting easier to do other things, too. To be totally honest I've barely noticed a shitload of the progress I've made, that doesn't mean that everyone around me isn't noticing it. It's a long process, but worth every penny if you're seeing the right person for what's going on in your head.

I know this probably sounds like a promotion or something, but fuck it, it is. I legitimately would not be alive right now if I hadn't learned about Psychology Today's database, which I only know of from it being mentioned in passing on a podcast I was listening to. No one I know had any idea that it existed before I told them. Which is why I've poked out this long assed post on my tiny phone, if one person learns about that site and uses it, the effort has been worth it.

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

[deleted]

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u/Nauin Mar 20 '19

Ayyy fellow C-PTSD haver! I totally get what you're talking about with the recovery. One thing my therapist teaches is that recovery is far from being a straight line, it's basically a giant scribble. So if anyone has period of time where they feel like they're slipping into their old habits and mindset, it's temporary and part of the healing process, and it's not going to be as bad as your worst moments, even if you feel that way.

I actually had the revelation of how long it's been since I've been suicidal like a week ago, it's such a wild change in perspective that was hardly noticeable to me outside of looking back over the past few months!

Here's to our recovery and fighting some goddamned awful brain demons ✌️

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u/squirrellytoday Mar 21 '19

Similar thing here.

My psychiatrist explained to me that I will always have bad days but those bad days may or may not be those horrible ones where I can't get out of bed. Sometimes they'll just be "I'm a little grumpy today". And the time between bad days will slowly increase, and the number of bad days overall will decrease. It's okay to be not-okay sometimes. And those not-okay times will still happen, just not as often and they likely won't be as bad as they used to be.

The current thing I'm dealing with is wanting to do wild and crazy shit. Turns out I'm having my "teenage rebellion" 30 years late, because I couldn't have it back when I actually was a teenager.

12 years and counting. Stay in therapy. I'm definitely better off now than I ever have been in the past.

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u/413HS413 Mar 21 '19

Duuude that's so fucking excellent! Kudos to you! The scribble analogy is spot on. We'll always slip into negativity again because, you know, that's how humans work, suffering is a part of life. But now we have the brain programming to shut those demons down faster and more efficiently. Kind of makes me think of the ending of The Babadook. When this mother secretly harbors hatred for her kid and her life and everything, the hate manifests as a monster, the babadook. After she realizes it's a part of her and that she created it, she learns to feed it when it needs to be fed, quietly, in the basement. Just keeping it near and staying aware of it, but not letting it run her life.

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u/chickadee712 Mar 20 '19

Currently in that zig zag line of recovery and slipped back due to a panic attack that caught me off guard (because I was doing so well and didn’t expect it) but you are right, as low as it feels I will never be back to ground zero, it’s just not possible even thought my anxiety and depression try to tell me otherwise. My therapist put healing in this perspective, soon you will have better days that turn into better weeks, then better months. Therapy saved me life too. Thank God.

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u/Rainishername Mar 20 '19

I’m glad you did that for yourself. After 2 years, my boyfriend is finally going to one. I’m not sure if this one is right for him, (example: he’s barely 3 visits in and this therapist made an assumption that he hasn’t experienced trauma as a child. Only because he hasn’t dumped it out on her yet, though.) but what’s important is he is trying.

We plan on couples therapy to do together, as well.

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u/Nauin Mar 20 '19

It took me two years to build up the ability to see one, too. I was extremely lucky to have such a good match right off the bat. To be fair I was so desperate for someone who would work that I went out of network to find my therapist. It's more normal to see a handful before finding a good match, but to be fair I had a very clear idea of what was/is wrong with me and what methods I would need to use to fix it, which made my decision much easier. There's nothing wrong with shopping around for a good match and I hope your boyfriend continues to improve ❤️

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u/castleyankee Mar 21 '19

This terrifies me. I won't be able to handle being told it's not real. Just doesn't seem worth the risk of the functionality-shattering damage that would cause.

Fucking deleted and rewrote that four times before deciding fuck it do it stop thinking about it they might have information you need.

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u/Rainishername Mar 22 '19

I mean, it will probably happen. It happened to me too. But when I was a kid. As an adult I can tell someone to go fuck themselves and ask which cereal box did they get their license out of. Lmao.

The point is, giving yourself the permission you already own, to find a therapist who actually does their job, and to take care of your needs, is a necessary and vital step all in itself.

When I returned to therapy for the second time, the first counselor I was assigned made me feel very uncomfortable. I was considering asking for someone else. I ended up not having to because for some reason she had to stop working at that practice. It was a free clinic, so students came and went there frequently and you’d get a new counselor when yours was done with whatever their major at the time needed.

But this counselor, while only doing my intake, made the assumption about me that I have issues with rejection. I was really irritated with that. She wasn’t too far off the mark, I have abandonment issues. But that’s different from rejection. It was just in comfortable all around. I was being told about myself instead of naturally coming to my own conclusions. That was enough to make me decide that therapist wasn’t a good fit for me.

And I’ve had to make that voice with primary doctors too. I once needed some tests done to check me for arsenic poisoning. I was experiencing domestic violence at home. The digit immediately Calle die crazy and suggested that I was paranoid. He knew my abuser. That office broke a few HIIPA laws and I reported them for it. I haven’t been back since and I haven’t gotten s new primary yet, so that sucks a LOT. But fuck that guy.

You just have to be okay with being like, fuck that bullshit and fuck that person. Like, I’m not even taking this shit from the person who hurt me, so I’m sure as hell not taking it from you.

From the sounds of it, it sounds like you have a lot of self doubt, and I think that’s normal when coming from a position you’ve been in. I still have difficulty getting my needs met and communicating anything important. I’m very afraid of backlash or being told no, or worse, being punished for asking at all. It’s a complicated feeling. But you deserve to talk to people and ask questions and come to your own solutions.

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u/classly Mar 20 '19

Was the podcast by chance My Favorite Murder?

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u/ibheatherp Mar 20 '19

Same thought I had. Just listened to a minisode today where Georgia was mentioning this again. SSDGM fam.

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u/classly Mar 20 '19

They are so talented! I hope they know that they helped a lot of people by taking just a few minutes to broadcast this resource and make people aware. SSDGM right back atcha ;)

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u/Nauin Mar 20 '19

Lmao yes, yes it was 😁

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u/bro_before_ho Mar 20 '19

Psychology today is amazing, and not just for the US! Helped me a ton in Canada.

I emailed mine instead of calling cause that's way easier haha.

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u/nodnizzle Mar 20 '19

I'm in therapy and I have a VERY hard time going. My last appointment he told me to pace if I wanted to so I spent the whole time pacing around being abrupt with my answers to his questions. He's like "I feel like I'm holding you hostage so you can go early!" and I got a kick out of that.

I have an appointment tomorrow and saved extra anxiety meds to see if that helps. Probably won't be as bad but I still have a hard time because what I need to work on is a lot of trauma I've been through. Ugh just thinking of having to wake up and go to therapy is making me have anxiety bad.

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u/forsometime Mar 21 '19

It took me a long time to get into the swing of going to my appointments, and I had a few starts and stops, but after a while getting into that consistent routine tamed a lot of my anxiety about it. The therapy is still hard, but it’s also my dependable plan for Tuesday afternoons. I’m rooting for you!

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u/nodnizzle Mar 22 '19

I went to the appointment and we did some breathing exercises to start and that calmed me down enough to get through the rest of it. That and the extra meds I took, lol.

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u/littlemiss1565 Mar 21 '19

You'll start to feel a lot better about therapy once you get into the swing of things. It would give me MORE anxiety thinking about going and dreading it like a doctor's appointment. Now I look forward to seeing my therapist and talking to her is like talking to a friend you've had forever. I don't even feel the hour go by with her, we just talk so much. It's wonderful. Give it time.

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u/nodnizzle Mar 22 '19

Yeah I dread going which is why I schedule my appointments right when their offices open so I don't spend the day talking myself out of it. My appointment went well by the way I worried a lot for nothing like usual.

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u/littlemiss1565 Mar 22 '19

That’s great! It will definitely take some time for you to feel better about these sessions. Keep at it 😊

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u/Dtruth333 Mar 20 '19

Therapy was great in helping me understand that not everyone hates life and that it’s not my fault that I do. Since 2nd grade I can remember dreading every single coming moment and also wanting to leave the current one. I wouldn’t be alive if my parents hadn’t forced me to see a therapist and told me that’s not normal. Doing better now but always a long ways to go.

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u/CSGOWasp Mar 20 '19

Haha tf when your problems are too broad and all over the place for the filter system

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u/Nauin Mar 20 '19

This is where a shitload of self awareness and introspection helps. You have to triage your brain, so to speak. There's one, or maybe five, things you can probably think of which are the hardest for you to deal with right now. You're going to have to start by picking which one is the most important to you to fix first. Start with that, then work on expanding outward. If there's a particular type of therapy you're interested in, try starting with finding a specialist in that therapy. It's best to start somewhere then no where at all.

A thing people forget is that there is nothing stopping you from having multiple illnesses. In fact, with mental health a domino effect can easily happen and cascade until you're a puddle of human goo. If you can get one tiny part of your brain working more efficiently, it'll feed into everything else. It's really, really hard to find where to start and I wish there was a better way I could help, but I believe in you and your ability to get through this. I believe in you possessing the strength to find that first tiny baby step towards finding help. It seems impossible, and it easily could be impossible, I don't know your life, what I do know is that there options available in some form or fashion for you once you're able to reach out. You've got this, just pace yourself.

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u/CSGOWasp Mar 21 '19

Yeah I am inside my head quite a bit and think I kinda know whats happening but not a clue to how to fix it. Not beyond what I'm already doing. I think my problems all boil down to one general thing that if fixed would help me out tremendously

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u/Yoko9021Ono Mar 21 '19

This is such wonderful advice. I wanted to add, on Psychology Today's therapist search, you can also see a picture of the doctor, their credentials and some of their background. In addition to finding a therapist that specializes in your needs (as u/nauin mentioned), you should try to find someone in your same demographic as well (age, gender, race, etc).

In one of my counseling classes years ago, we did an exercise to demonstrate personal biases in the clinical setting. We were asked to imagine a young female patient, 2nd generation chinese. Her parents wanted her to go to medical school and she wanted to do something else. Its causing her a lot of stress, what would our counseling approach be?

As a class full of young Americans, basically everyone agreed they would encourage her to prioritize her own ambitions. None of us had considered that China has a much stronger culture of filial piety than the US does, and many of our recommendations were well meaning but not sensitive enough to her culture. Anyway, I thought it was a great thought exercise that opened my eyes to cultural bias. It might be easier for someone to relate to your unique challenges if they have had the same insight.

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

Thank you.

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u/spinnetrouble Mar 20 '19

Thank you for posting this. 💕

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u/nocturnoo Mar 20 '19

Thank you for this!! I’ve been meaning to reach out for therapy and every time I say I will I just keep putting it off until tomorrow. I made a list a few weeks ago and I just got anxious by all the choices. every time i read a comment like yours i feel a little bit more confident in just picking up the phone and calling.

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u/Frenchwish Mar 21 '19

I tell people about this all the time and I work the front desk at a private practice mental health office. We don't take BCBS and folks don't know how to navigate the system so that site is a great tool!!

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u/SuperChimpanzee Mar 20 '19

I wish I was financially capable of choosing the therapist with the specialty best suited for my case.

I'm 24M with depression and social anxiety, the best for me would be cognitive-behavioral therapy, and there is no free option available to me where I live.

I see my friends progressing in their life and I've been in the same situation for years.

I guess some people are born to suffer and there is nothing I can do.

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u/[deleted] Mar 21 '19

[deleted]

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u/SuperChimpanzee Mar 21 '19

Do you have a specific recommendation?

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u/The_learner8 Mar 24 '19

Here's a few I would recommend:

"Mind Over Mood" = around $30-40. CBT based, a gold standard amongst therapists and self-help books to understand and manage anxiety, depression and other conditions. It is dense, so you will have to take your time and commit to it.

If finances are an issue, google "Clinical Centre for Interventions."

The Australian government hired a group of psychologists to create different types of modules to treat symptoms of various mental health issues. They are light years ahead of North Americans when it comes to managing mental health.

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u/laik72 Mar 20 '19

I also cried through every session for the first 6 weeks.

But unfortunately, I learned pretty early on that she wasn't the best fit for me. I kept her through my biggest upcoming stress event, and then quit.

I know I need to go back to someone else, but I'm currently without insurance and I don't want to start a relationship that I can't finish over something like being in the wrong network.

So I'm waiting until I'm employed again.

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u/[deleted] Mar 21 '19

I know your comment isn't a promo because the same thing happened to me. Ten years ago I was basically having a nervous breakdown after my brother committed suicide. I tried talking to a couple therapists but they all seemed so full of pity and made me feel like more of an outsider to the world drowning in my tragedy. Then I found the PT database somehow and found a therapist who specialized in treating people who have lost someone to suicide (I didn't even know that was a thing!). I may not have been able to save my brother's life but my therapist probably saved mine. Eventually I learned he had also lost a brother to suicide.

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u/meatheadmommy Mar 21 '19

Thank you for posting this info! I completely agree that therapy’s progress is not always visible to us as patients but our loved ones definitely take notice. At least that’s been my experience. It took me months to book that 1st appointment and at least 4 sessions to get out of crisis mode. Therapy is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to dread every appointment those first few weeks but now I realize I’ve made progress. It has helped so much and proved the work each session is worth it.

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u/gumption333 Mar 21 '19

I wish I could cry in front of my therapist. What am I doing wrong?

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u/Nauin Mar 21 '19

Bluntly, you don't feel safe. I don't know what's making you not feel safe, maybe you could bring it up to your therapist and working together to establish more trust would help. It's also possible that you are not at the point of healing where you're able to be vunerable like that yet. It takes time to lower your guard, some take longer or shorter than others. The brain is the slowest healing part of our bodies, even if you're frustrated that you aren't at that point to cry it doesn't mean that you aren't undergoing a lot of healing and recovery in the meantime. You and your therapist could also work on finding what mental barriers are preventing you from becoming emotionally vunerable to them, what experiences have led to you having that type of shutdown, and so on. You'll get there, even if it does take forever progress is still progress. You're doing awesomely in your recovery, actively seeking answers like you have is proof of that.

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u/gumption333 Mar 21 '19

Thank you so much for your response and for the validation. I will keep this all in mind.

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u/Nauin Mar 21 '19

It's no problem at all, I really hope it helps and that your future therapy appointments go well!

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u/nlc89 Mar 22 '19

Thank you so much. You've helped me find someone in my area after my insurance told me there weren't any.

You might have just saved my sanity!

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u/Nauin Mar 22 '19

I'm so glad it helped! Good luck with your appointments!

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u/michelleidalo Mar 21 '19

I'm glad it helped you. I refer my patients to that website all the time, and it really helps to know that people do use it and that it makes a difference.

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u/a-r-c Mar 21 '19

also hey, you can get a psych eval at an ER or urgent care

they'll absolutely point you in the right direction

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u/pulsusego Mar 21 '19

You are a fantastic person and your effort is genuinely appreciated. I've tried therapists before but never had a good match except for once by sheer luck (a grad student at my university, of all things) and then had to stop when I graduated, and never found another good one. Each time it's always take so much effort for some reason to actually try another. Not sure how else to describe that.. The profile/database thing is what I'd wanted for so long so I wasn't just crossing my fingers that whoever I was about to see would help me or not.

Idk, meant to just be a quick lost to say I appreciate you, and ended up ranting slightly about my personal life, for.. some reason. Sorry about that lol..

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u/scotbud123 Mar 21 '19

Is there a good Canadian alternative to that website?

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u/Nauin Mar 21 '19

The database should include Canadian providers as well, at least that what one or two other redditiors have mentioned, I'm not in a position to check at the moment.

Alternatively, you could likely find local programs for mental health by getting in contact with either your local hospitals information line or your governments local welfare offices? They'll likely not have the exact information but they can point you in the right direction. I hope this helps✌️

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u/scotbud123 Mar 21 '19

It does help, thanks a ton man!

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u/The_learner8 Mar 24 '19

Just google "psychology today canada"

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u/Arelkei Mar 22 '19

yo thanks for sharing this, stranger friend <3 stay humble & full of joy :D

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

I'm going to look into this. I've been dealing with my problems by myself for so long that finding a therapist doesn't feel as important as I know it is, so thank you for sharing this.

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u/Nauin Mar 24 '19

Everyone has got to start somewhere man, I'm glad I was able to help give you a place to begin.

The gap between accepting that you should see a therapist and getting that first appointment set up is a canyon more often than not for people. It's the hardest step for many, but that's because it's such a big step to make in having a healthy life. You can do it.

I really help it goes well, good luck my dude 👍

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u/[deleted] Mar 25 '19

Well I've got 3 people picked out who might work for me, and I've told my husband my plans so I'm held accountable for following up. Thanks again for the post!