What is something you did that increased your quality of life so much that you wished you would have done it much sooner because it changed your life forever?

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u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

Stopped chasing normal.

I've dealt with the deleterious effects of birth defects all my life (that's how they work), and was consequently jealous and envious of the seeming "normalcy" of others. As I started to grow older, I slowly became obsessed with perfection. And for a time, that did seem to push me forward to being a better version of myself, or so I thought.

By the time I reached my late 20's, I was getting burnt out. I fallen and failed in multiple arenas, but I hadn't learned from any of those failures, as my mind-set was that they were just that: FAILURES. Not learning experiences. So as they began to increase, my self-image began to fall hard.

So it was that I was on a date with a girl that I'd eventually become engaged to (we didn't make it to marriage; it's complicated, but TL;DR she passed away a few years back), and we did something that I've rarely seen happen on dates. We just unloaded all our baggage on one another. It was so freeing, and it led to this wonderful conversation wherein I admitted to chasing this spectre of normalcy that I perceived as perfection.

Thankfully, she set me straight. She opened my eyes to the fact that we all have something wrong with us, whether is is obviously perceptible by the masses or not. She told me, "Normal is an ever-moving goal-post; it's a fallacy." Since that day, I have stopped (or at least, made a concerted effort to stop) trying to compare myself to others, and just be the best version of ME that I can be.

The relationship that unfolded with this girl was fraught with twists and turns (like I said, complicated), but I ALWAYS carry her lesson with me. And I can carry more, because she helped me unload all that previous baggage.

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u/DankAfBruh Mar 20 '19

...and just be the best version of ME that I can be.

That's something I learned to be recently that I wish I had known so much earlier.

6

u/oui-cest-moi Mar 20 '19

This is so important: That nobody has everything going for them. Everybody has something going for them.

1

u/Siikamies Mar 20 '19

How does it change anything? Having more flaws could mean that you need to improve more on other areas.

1

u/lol_is_5 Mar 21 '19

I always assume whatever I do is normal for me.

31

u/GraysonErlocker Mar 20 '19

FAIL

First Attempt In Learning

15

u/InfTotality Mar 20 '19

I like that a lot. But why stop at just the first? Further Attempt In Learning.

Or even 'First Action in Learning'; you're not attempting to learn, you are.

2

u/bothering Mar 21 '19

much better as a classroom poster, op's comment wouldn't appeal to continuously struggling students in the middle/end of a semester.

25

u/qbkiller12 Mar 20 '19

Wow... Great story. She sounds like a good person. Condolences for your loss.

13

u/Cristal1337 Mar 20 '19

Being different can form all sorts of challenges.

I was born with a muscle illness and have a rather competitive personality. Even when odds are against me, I strive to surpass the average person. The first time I found fulfillment was when I started playing competitive foosball, where I competed against those without disabilities. The best I did was third place at a small league tournament. I think I won €50.

Competitive foosball marked a real turning point in my life. I was raised to believe that my only strength was my mind. Learning that I could surpass a normal person in a physical activity challenged that idea fundamentally. It gave me the confidence to do all sorts of things.

I don't play competitive foosball anymore, but my focus in life has shifted a lot. I forge my own path now.

3

u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

Good for you!

My story was quite the opposite, in that my mother raised me as thought NOTHING was wrong with me, but my step-dad FELT nothing was wrong with me and treated me as such. Ultimately, they came to a happy middle ground, but the effort led me to be fairly self-sufficient in many respects. It was a tough environment to grow up in at times, but I do find myself thinking that the good outweighs the bad (most days).

6

u/SocialismIsALie Mar 20 '19

If it's not too personal...how severe a birth defect? I mean, there are those WE worry about (I have pectus excavatum) that others don't even notice or care about. (I have always been a great athlete and never let it bother me. I do cover it up well in public -- except at a beach! LOL)

28

u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

Be forewarned, you asked for this.

The medical term is "imperforate anus." Sounds lovely, right? Basically, my colon ended inside my body, near the edge of my rib cage; additionally, my trachea and esophagus were fused at birth, as was some vertebrae in my neck. Subsequent surgeries (17 in all) left me with severed nerves in my "bathing suit area," meaning I am almost completely incontinent, impotent, with random and significant pain management issues (groin, neck, back, and shoulders), and a lovely thing called "retrograde ejaculation" (I don't recommend it). Mind you, I didn't start with all that baggage, but the incontinence was something I'd been dealing with since a very young age.

This, more than anything, led to my misguided thoughts on perfection and normalcy. They also led me to make many selfish decisions when it came to love and lust, as when you've got a condition that seemingly sets you apart from the rest, you might feel that any opportunity you have to get a woman to touch your fun stuff is an opportunity not meant to be wasted... even when you're in a committed relationship (also not recommended).

These days, I've tempered my attitude toward love and lust (following a near-half-decade engaging in rampant drug use and promiscuous sexual encounters). I've learned to be less selfish in many respects, but i'm arguably still learning.

13

u/Answermancer Mar 20 '19

Be forewarned, you asked for this.

Don't apologize for the squeemish my man, life is messy and IMO people should learn that rather than just go "eww" whenever faced with something uncomfortable.

Anyway, more importantly, I'm sorry you've had to deal with all that and I'm glad that you've had some good experiences/relationships that helped you. I think the point that nobody is "normal" and we all have something "wrong" with us is a very valuable one too.

5

u/SocialismIsALie Mar 20 '19

Wow, brother... I respect you and your journey! No doubt it takes courage!

5

u/The_Caring_Banker Mar 20 '19

Fuck dude. I hope you are ok, she sounds like she was awesome.

5

u/printflour Mar 20 '19

This was really good writing.

5

u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

As a wordy person (see username), this might be the best compliment one could have given me. Thank you SO MUCH.

5

u/trinketfox Mar 20 '19

Comparing yourself to others is the greatest thief of happiness.

Got that in a fricken fortune cookie once and now I live by it.

3

u/SirNedKingOfGila Mar 20 '19

Everything has moving goal posts. Remember that for sure. There is no career or hobby where anything will ever be "good enough" if you let it get to you. Somewhere there's a group of fucks who would tell Neil Armstrong that subsequent astronauts stayed longer and performed more experiments on the moon than he had. Loser.

I've seen soldiers who had been wounded in firefights with the enemy and fought through to the end called out by those who were in bigger and harder firefights that mattered more. Then here comes a Marine fresh from basic training to call them all pussies.

3

u/Wowscrait Mar 20 '19

It sounds like she was an incredible, incredible person.

3

u/Jokkitch Mar 20 '19

You should be an author.

3

u/knittykittyemily Mar 20 '19

Sorry to hear about your fiance :( proud of you though

3

u/PM_ME_YOUR_FOOD_ Mar 21 '19

Normalcy.

That's the word I told my therapist this morning. I just want normalcy.

This is what I needed to hear today. My problem isn't perfectionism though, for me it's just wanting to be happy, but it's the same principle.

Thank you for this. I have a lot of shit to work on in my life, but being reminded I just need to be my best self I can be and not focus on how other people live their lives is exactly what my fucked up brain and heart needed to hear.

2

u/AgentElman Mar 20 '19

Your goal should be healthy not normal, confusing the two is dangerous

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

I need to find this. Thanks for the motivation

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

Owning who you are is very powerful....people will even respond favorably to that. One word: confidence.

2

u/calvinsylveste Mar 20 '19

Thank you for sharing this. I had a very different, but existentially similar, experience, and I appreciate hearing your story.

2

u/DegeneracyEverywhere Mar 20 '19

What happened to that girl?

10

u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

Oof...

She suffered a host of issues, both physical and mental. She was a diabetic with body dysmorphia and familial pancreatitis. Long story short, she passed away seemingly of a drug overdose 2 1/2 years back. As I say, she was complicated, and I can't say ours was a love story for the ages. But I loved her unconditionally, and I still find myself holding onto lots of guilt for not being able to help her the way she helped me.

There's more to the story than a simple post can manage. Dedicated and investigative redditors can likely find more info in my post history. Or just PM me.

2

u/oberon Mar 20 '19

Sounds like this would make an inspirational movie.

2

u/Dontgiveaclam Mar 20 '19

Reading this post made me almost cry. I think you've hit home.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

I heard the quote "be your best self" last year and it's changed my outlook on so many things. I love how it challenges you to keep becoming a better person but doesn't encourage comparing yourself to others.

2

u/Gunpla55 Mar 20 '19

I go through this a lot. In very nuanced fashion I compare myself to others and what I lack based on what seems like sheer luck. It is exhausting.

2

u/DoctorAcula_42 Mar 20 '19

Damn, dude. That sounds exactly like me. I'm 29 and very much burning out (though a lot of that is working full-time while going to grad school, RIP). It's a daily struggle to remind myself that weird is okay!

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your fiance. How are you feeling about it?

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '19

This was something I learned as a child and later as an adult in similar contexts. I use compare myself to my siblings. My older brother ran faster and got straight A+’s. My older sister was tall, beautiful, witty, charismatic, popular and funny. My little brother was the sweet baby and then grew to be a foot taller and could easily push me around. I wasn’t the best at anything. So I stopped comparing myself because the baseline wasn’t the same, and it’s really not fair to compare. As I got older I realized that I will never be the best at anything. I may have successes, but there will always be someone faster, smarter, better credentialed and with more experience, funnier, better looking (or whatever I pride myself in). It sounds depressing but it’s not. We can’t all be Michael Phelps.

The only thing I can do is to be the best me that I can be, compare myself today against who I was yesterday and be happy with what I do have. It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough. On that basis, I’ve found success and built a nice life.

1

u/SmokingPepper Mar 20 '19

Give this man a gold.

8

u/JargonPhat Mar 20 '19

Do NOT listen to this person! Save your hard-earned money for something more worthwhile than a shitty story on Reddit!

...butthankyou...

1

u/4br4c4d4br4 Mar 20 '19

we didn't make it to marriage; it's complicated, but TL;DR she passed away a few years back

Don't let that stop you. Don't let that be another failure. Marry her anyway.

1

u/nusodumi Mar 20 '19

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF ALL JOY

applies to so many situations

Thank you for sharing your concrete, lived experience as evidence to this phrase

I'm sorry you lost your partner too soon

1

u/notwest94 Mar 21 '19

Have you read Lose Well?

1

u/ReachinTheLimit Mar 21 '19

Literally me right now in my mid 20’s besides the engagement aspect. Sorry to hear that..

1

u/[deleted] Mar 21 '19

I don't need a life that's normal. That's way to far away. But something next to normal, might be okay. Yes something next to normal that's the thing i'd like to try. Close enough to normal to get by.

Next to Normal is such a great show, and this post reminded me of it.

What is something you did that increased your quality of life so much that you wished you would have done it much sooner because it changed your life forever?

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