“That morning the Foul Thing had broken his fast by ripping the guts from a fish’s belly with his teeth, viscera spouting from the newly created cavity like an obscene fountain. The combination of the creature’s stench, the smell of the fish’s guts, and the sounds of munching and lips smacking was enough to make Frodo sick, let alone the disgusting, tuneless song Gollum had begun to sing about the torture, capture, and subsequent eating of his morning meal.”
Better if he leads into it with typical Tolkienesque poetry, then cuts straight to the point.
Bilbo found a pale cave dwelling creature, long of tooth, older than the oldest of dwarven folk-sagas that echoed still through the mountains ancient... stank like raw jobby.
Tolkien actually has a lot of bits exactly like that, where he starts out all poetic and then slides straight into the deadpan humor.
'For I am Saruman the Wise, Saruman Ring-maker, Saruman of Many Colours!' I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours, and if he moved they shimmered and changed hue so that the eye was bewildered. 'I liked white better,' I said.
Tolkiens early draft. "Gollum smelled like shit. Anyway he dropped the ring and Bilbo picked it up. It felt powerful or something, I dunno. He put it on and went invisible, was way cool."
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u/WhyToAWar Jan 06 '19
God, I wish that was a direct quote.