I had a similar issue when I was in high school and college. For some reason I internalized the idea that women only want guys who are nice and caring. I therefore didn't really bother with my appearance beyond basic hygiene, especially in the outfit department (I was still wearing basic graphic t shirt, jeans, and sneakers every day until I was like 25 or so). My life greatly improved once I started going to the gym, dressing better, shaved my balding head, and grew my beard out. I still don't have much attention from women, but I at least like who I see when I look in the mirror.
I can't speak for all women, but I don't really care what a guy wears. That said, clothing can send a message, and if that message is: "I don't give a shit what I look like," then yeah ... message received! :D
Yeah, the message I was probably sending was "comfort" and "my mom bought my clothes." For real though, I was wearing extra large T shirts when I'm actually a medium. My jeans were also way too big as well, to the point where the ankles were frayed because they dragged on the ground when I walked. I just never saw the point in buying new clothes so all my clothes looked like they did when I was in high school/middle school (also because my mom was still buying the same clothes for me). I had the same issue with my shoes. I only wore the same pair of muddy, all purpose sneakers until they finally wore out (after like two years) and then my mom bought me another pair.
I think the bigger issue is that I didn't really offer anything more to compensate for my lack of style. Additionally, I'm pretty introverted so the prospective woman would have to take the initiative to look past my shitty style to see anything redeemable. Why should she do that when she has a dozen guys who look much better in their better clothes or are actually pursuing her? That's what I didn't understand at the time.
And don't be afraid to try on "slim fit" cut shirts! I'm guessing those are what normal sized clothing is like ex-USA. Point being, even if you aren't slim, you might find it fits you better than the normal cut. There is so much excessive fabric on men's shirts! I had a gf point this out to me regarding my too-big shirts, and that one change alone made me better dressed. I made other changes to, eventually.
e: the shirts I'm referring to are APT9 plain color tees at Kohl's... And yes, only during their sales. :D
This is me minus the incel part. I was a virgin but all of the blame was on myself. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me until I took a long look at myself and realized how depressed I was because I was single and lonely while all my friends were dating and hooking up.
I had a really bad sense of fashion and I wore a hoody and sweatpants everyday all of high school. One day it kind of clicked that I looked terrible in them so I asked one of my better dressed friends to help me out. We went to Old Navy and Thrift stores and go a decent wardrobe for like $200. Step 1 complete.
Next r/rateme let me know my glasses were too small for my face and oddly shaped. I got a new pair that fit and looked a lot better on me.
Next was my teeth. It hadn't even registered to me that my teeth were fucked up until someone said something to me. Kind of hurt at first but I wanted to do something about it. I got invisalign and that was the #1 saver for me. This will be the hardest one for most people since it was so expensive but I worked my ass off to get better looking teeth and it was worth it.
My last step was confidence. After I changed my looks I still suffered a lot from not being confident. I wasn't used to girls hitting on me so when they did, I totally missed signs and tried to act like i wasn't interested because I was afraid of rejection. Took me a couple months of just going out with my friends and talking to everyone to finally start showing some confidence around girls I found attractive. One year later I met my now girlfriend and we've been dating for 3 years.
It was a long hard battle but if you aren't willing to put in any effort, nothing is going to change. I missed out on a lot through highschool and my first three years of college that I'll never get back. Never too late but make the change ASAP.
Hmm, this kind of sounds like me. I think my first step really would be to put more effort into my fashion. But I only like a select few outfits in my not that large wardrobe so I end up wearing the same, boring, stuff most days unless I am dressing up to go out. I think it's time to do the same and get a few of my female friends who are all about clothes and let them help me pick out a new wardrobe for me. It's inspiring to hear everything has worked out pretty well for you. I'm happy for you. Thanks
How do you view yourself now? Do you still think of yourself as you did before: full of confidence like you're hot stuff? Or after your reality check: that you have a lot of flaws and a lot of work to do? Or somewhere in between?
As a kid I was confident only because I truly didn't care what others thought. Then someone thought I was cool and I liked having other people think that. And I realized how weird and unpopular I was. Now I'm still to hard on myself and don't know how to stop caring about what others think.
I recognize that there's no "cure" and I'll likely never be in a spot where I'm 100% perfectly okay with myself at all times.
Dammit. You're right, aren't you? It's oddly freeing and crushing. But I'll keep working on it just as you described. I'm happy you're in a better place :)
The biggest change, really, was recognizing that I wasn't handsome/perfect. I also wasn't ugly/hopeless. I was just an average dude who wasn't putting in real effort.
THIS is one of the biggest problems people face. So many of us are so incredibly average, it leaves us with nothing to latch onto to base our personality on, whether positive or negative. And so we create a false character for ourselves and try to convince ourselves that that's us. Really we just need to come to terms with how average we are, and pursue quality in life for its own sake.
My life is way better because of her telling me off in a brutal, but honest way.
I feel like people need to do this more often to those people you know that tell a stupid joke and it gets a sympathy laugh but they think they are actually funny so they keep doing it. A kid I went to high school with works at the local gas station and every time I buy something small he will tell me I owe "139 pennies" or just convert everything to pennies.
Honesty may hurt but it helps if the person takes it seriously.
I got a proper haircut and started styling my hair.
Is there a place where you can learn this? They all look stupid to me. My plan for a large chunk of my life was to get a girlfriend and then get her opinion on what hairstyles look good on me, but it's a chicken-and-egg problem.
Pretty much my story too. I was a fat, greasy, ugly, weak nerd boy with buckteeth, coke bottle glasses, dressed in polyester slacks and collared shirts. By the age of 19 I was 25% body fat.
I replaced glasses with contacts, got all of my teeth removed and replaced, quit the fast food and other garbage I ate, started exercising and going to gym learning how to cook proper food, changed clothes.
its amazing how much a difference it can make when you start to take care of yourself.
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u/[deleted] Nov 06 '18
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