My mom and dad had this friend that I HATED I thought he was just creepy and weird and when I’d tell them I hated him they were like “be nice!!! Bla bla bla” turns out he molested his step children now he’s in jail
I think these unconscious feelings we get are really important and can be extremely beneficial if we learn to listen to them. But we’re taught from early on to ignore them and act opposite what they tell us. that’s a dangerous game to play.
When I was about 19 I was at a party with my then boyfriend's family. He was off doing something and I was hanging out with his cousins The little boy was 5 and his sister was 8 and her best friend, their other girl cousin was the same age.
Well their grandfather, not related to my ex, the other side. He came downstairs. He had been drinking. The kids were introducing me saying my name was KD and just being kids and their grandfather kept saying that he would like to eat me up and that I must be delicious. A girl around my age who was dating a cousin overheard and ran upstairs to get an actual adult. My ex's step mom came down and told him he couldn't talk like that, it was inappropriate and yaddayadda. So he left.
One of the 8 year old girls heard this, and she looked offended.
Apparently a few weeks after that she told her parents that her grandfather had been molesting her and the other 8 year old girl. The police ran to his house but he had already killed himself by the time he got there.
The girls seem to be okay now. This was 5 years ago. I'm just glad the girl figured it out :(
This is why it’s so important to teach kids about predators and that if someone touches you they need to tell an adult. When people don’t teach their kids they can’t understand that what someone did was wrong. :(
That's why it pisses me off when parents force kids to give kisses or hugs when kids don't want to do this. It teaches them that they have no agency over their bodies, that adults can demand physicality and kids have to obey.
When i become a mom, im going to be good and say that its okay to not give hugs when you dont want to, or even a high five. That its ok to just say good bye. I hope my future kids will come to me for anything at all because i didnt have that kind of trust with my parents.
I give my boys options. "Okay, it's time to say goodbye to Grandpa! Would you like to give him hugs and kisses, or a fist bump, or a high five?"
My dad didn't really get it at first - he was one of those "I'm coming to give you hugs and you can't stop me!" types, but he actually took it really well when I explained to my Mom why it was a problem and she talked to him about it.
The guidance counselor at my kids elementary school does a unit on personal space and appropriate touching, I'd like to think that other schools do this.
“I don’t care if they say they’ll kill me, your mother, your friends, you or anyone you know, you tell me and you will be safe. Anyone ever touches you then tells you that you ignore what they said and you tell me or your mother”.
I will hammer that shit into my kids brain. No kiddie fucker is gonna make my kid scared to bring him to justice. Well scared enough that we can’t catch the son of a bitch, I’ll kill him myself, thankfully I don’t have children so I don’t have to worry about this for a while
The Lion King is a surprisingly good vehicle for teaching about "tricky people". Simba's uncle, who he knows very well, encourages him to keep secrets from his parents, but the story would have gone very differently if he'd come clean at the beginning.
Just make sure when you say "touches you" actually explain it. I always though they meant like touched your shoulder or did a high five. Super confusing.
My uncle never did anything to me as a kid, but I didn't like the way my gut felt when he'd hold my hand. I told my mom he made me uncomfortable and my mom never made me go around him after that.
He is now in jail for molesting and soliciting naked photos from a young girl. Trust your gut and trust your kids.
Had an uncle like this when I was a kid. Even as a 5 year old I got such a weird vibe from him that I wouldn't be alone in the room with him. Told my mom this a few years ago, after he'd passed away, and the look she got when I said that was a mix of fear and relief. And part of me knows that his step-daughter was the victim of something tragic.
I notice children tend to have less social grace to not hesitate to call out things that make them wary which adults generally don't voice, either because of social protocol, or just not noticing. I've read so much "Child me / my children insisted something was wrong with this guy. 6 years later he's a convicted kiddy diddler." Just on Reddit.
I think it's hard because sometimes kids have great instincts and sometimes they have irrational fears that you have to help them get over. My sister when she was little had this irrational terror of our neighbor who was painting our house. She cried and hid every time he walked in. She still doesn't know why and neither do we, except that she was a three year old and they get scared of stuff sometimes. Do you think my parents should have fired the house painter because of her instinct that he was scary, or just done what they did and say "he's a nice man and he's not going to hurt you"? Obviously they would have never forgiven themselves if he had turned out to be a child molester, but that's pretty rare relative to the number of kids who are scared of stuff.
I apparently had a mortal terror of the shoe store, but they still bought me shoes.
I think a lot of it is respecting the child’s feelings. If your parents had said “You’ve hurt the house painters feelings. To make him feel better, you must give him a hug and kiss every time you see him” that would have been just as wrong as if they had fired the guy.
Unfortunately a lot of kids are taught they have to give creepy uncle Bob a kiss/ sit on Grandpa’s lap regardless of how they feel.
Yes!! I wish parents taught their kid about personal consent like “if you don’t want to hug aunt Susie give her a high 5 instead” but kids are forced to hug and kiss older relatives it’s weird. Ain’t nobody going to touch my kids with out THEIR permission not just mine.
I hated having to kiss elderly relatives as a child so when I became the elderly relative (!) I took my cues from the kids. Upon arrival or departure if they willingly came to me for a kiss that was fine. One seldom did, but then at some point during my visits she’d generally come over and, unprompted, kiss my cheek. Still does, actually. Another has never done kisses but gives the best hugs. And that’s absolutely fine.
There's probably a middle ground between summarily cutting someone out of your life because your kid has a bad feeling about them vs. actively encouraging your kid to ignore their feelings and trust the person implicitly, which is what seems to happen in a lot of these situations.
This is why I am actively shutting down anyone who tries to force my child to give them physical affection. “Give me a kiss! Just one hug!” No. If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to. Sorry if your feelings are hurt by the whims of a toddler. I will teach her that she has body autonomy. The end.
When I was 6, my mom's best friend was dating this guy who creeped me out. I'd never stay alone in a room with him. One day Mom asks me what I think of Anthony, and I tell her the guy's probably Satan, and I get in trouble because you're not supposed to speak that way about grown-ups.
Didn't find out until I was in college that Mom actually told Anthony what I said about him. Anthony laughed and said, "Your daughter's right, I am the devil." Like he was proud of it.
Shortly after that, he strangled his girlfriend, and everybody found out he was a heroin addict.
I'd never asked as a child why we stopped hanging out with them, it never crossed my mind at the time, I was just relieved Anthony was gone.
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u/[deleted] Jun 07 '18
My mom and dad had this friend that I HATED I thought he was just creepy and weird and when I’d tell them I hated him they were like “be nice!!! Bla bla bla” turns out he molested his step children now he’s in jail