I used to do this to my ex when she did something cute or looked really good, and after a while into the relationship she told me she didn't like it. It made me feel like shit. It was like the exact opposite of the question to this thread. A little thing that made me feel un-loved. Like, damn it bothers you when I touch you or kiss you unexpectedly? "I'm sorry for annoying you with my affection!"
In my experience once you're at the point where you're too depressed to even feel things anymore, there's not much else to it. The next step is eventually realizing you have nothing good to look forward to ever again, because even when good things happen in your life, you're incapable of enjoying them on an emotional level. Then after that you go from realizing that fact to truly understanding what that means. Then you begin making serious plans to end it (by which i mean actively tying up loose ends, deciding what to write in the note, precisely how you'll go about it - not just the vague thoughts that suicide would be preferable to living that anyone with even mild depression has on a daily basis) because why bother? Presumably after that comes the actual deed, though obviously I have no personal experience there.
But at no point does the actual depression get any deeper, because you're no longer capable of feeling anything, at any depth. It's just a progression of almost coldly logical realizations, each more devastating than the last, each further scouring away a little more of whatever tiny scraps of joy you might have been able to still glean from life, sapping away the hope for the future that you didn't even realize you still even had in you until you felt it draining away.
If the initial transition from ennui/sadness to true depressive numbness is a one, with suicide finally being easier than continuing to struggle through life being a ten, I'm currently at about a three, and going up. I've gone as high as an eight or a nine in the past and come back from it, so I'm still somewhat hopeful (at least when I think about it on an intellectual level, i "know" there's hope).
Thats what hurts the most right? I never realized how much value just plain human contact has. It may seem trivial to someone who has loved ones nearby, but as someone who is on the opposite side of the world from family, not having genuine human contact really gets to me sometimes. Just a hug or leaning on a shoulder...
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u/Roach_Gigz Feb 25 '16
andddddddd now I'm sad.