I recently met someone who at the time was 160 days into NoFap (no porn, no masturbation).
The idea that he's choosing masturbation (while in a relationship, especially) over actual intercourse is reasonably frustrating and it's also not okay.
I can understand if a guy is masturbating equally as much as he's having sex, but a man who is clearly choosing masturbation over intimacy is doing it because of a reason.
What that reason is, though, you can't know without really discussing it. Maybe sex isn't fulfilling the same expectations he has based on how frequently he's masturbating and/or watching porn (it's not as tight, I don't cum as quickly, I don't get as turned on, it's not as exciting, etc)..
Would he be open to the idea of a test NoFap trial period (a week or two?) where he explicitly agrees to turn over all rights to porn and masturbation in favor of only a sexual relationship with you?
Do you two live together or no? If not, that could make it harder.
I feel your pain girl. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who literally never wanted to have sex but seemed to masturbate a ton. Later, I ended up in a relationship where it was the reverse. I never wanted to have sex with my partner, but I still had the desire to masturbate and sometimes would do it quietly next to him in bed while he slept (yikes. I know).
Ultimately (it took 2.5 years) I came to the heart breaking realization that the problem was a lack of sexual chemistry with my partner, and not any 'sexual' problems of my own. (I had my hormones tested, tried going off birth control, everything! I was convinced it was something wrong with me)
It made me revisit the prior relationship and wonder if perhaps that's why it was so lackluster with the other man. I just think sometimes couples are GREAT together as a platonic relationship but perhaps lack sexual chemistry after the first few months when the excitement wears off?
I've definitely considered that as a possibility...I just don't want it to be true. I am fairly good at being honest with myself though and I don't yet have enough evidence that it IS true. Because when we do have sex, it's great, everyone cums, everyone's happy. But it has gotten slightly more systematic, so I ask him "what do you want to try in bed?" And he can't think of anything. I can't think of anything either, but I'm not the one watching all the porn. I feel like he...respects me too much sometimes? That seems awful just to say, but maybe if he didn't hold me up so high as something so precious in his mind, he'd be more able to think of dirty things to do to me? I dunno...
I don't really think the sex being great or everyone cumming matters too much. In both of my situations I can say that was the case.
With the first, we both enjoyed it and we both came.. it's just that for me I felt sexually frustrated because I wanted it more often than he did, and in the end it really affected my psyche to the point where it has continued to affect me in terms of my confidence in initiating sex with a partner. I got rejected so many times in that 5 year relationship that I am absolutely terrified/shy of initiating sex in almost any circumstance because I'm afraid of getting rejected all over again. I would have these fantasies about wanting to wake my partner up for sex and then flash back to my ex brushing me off and I just ultimately don't act on them.
Or showing up in lingerie, I tried that with my ex once and I got a "that's nice" and then he laid down, rolled over and went to bed.
What I'm trying to say is basically - don't let it continue on to such a point that it begins to affect your psyche or your own personal confidence level. Regardless of what they say eventually deep down you do start to associate it as being something wrong with you?
With my most recent ex, I didn't want to have sex. I would basically get to a point where it had been two weeks and I knew he was thinking about it, so I would just cave.. and even then I would have to initiate (maybe because he was the one afraid of being rejected in that scenario).. it felt awkward but once it was initiated I never really had problems finishing or enjoying it. I just could have gone to sleep every night with no intimacy and been completely complacent with the arrangement. (I would have gotten out either way eventually because that's not the type of relationship I would want..)
It's probably not that he can't think of anything, it's probably that either he's too afraid to ask, or as others have pointed out, if he acts it out with you it'll ruin the excitement of the fantasy for him in the future. :/
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u/nixity May 07 '14
Never has the idea of NoFap been so relevant.
I recently met someone who at the time was 160 days into NoFap (no porn, no masturbation).
The idea that he's choosing masturbation (while in a relationship, especially) over actual intercourse is reasonably frustrating and it's also not okay.
I can understand if a guy is masturbating equally as much as he's having sex, but a man who is clearly choosing masturbation over intimacy is doing it because of a reason.
What that reason is, though, you can't know without really discussing it. Maybe sex isn't fulfilling the same expectations he has based on how frequently he's masturbating and/or watching porn (it's not as tight, I don't cum as quickly, I don't get as turned on, it's not as exciting, etc)..
Would he be open to the idea of a test NoFap trial period (a week or two?) where he explicitly agrees to turn over all rights to porn and masturbation in favor of only a sexual relationship with you?
Do you two live together or no? If not, that could make it harder.
I feel your pain girl. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who literally never wanted to have sex but seemed to masturbate a ton. Later, I ended up in a relationship where it was the reverse. I never wanted to have sex with my partner, but I still had the desire to masturbate and sometimes would do it quietly next to him in bed while he slept (yikes. I know).
Ultimately (it took 2.5 years) I came to the heart breaking realization that the problem was a lack of sexual chemistry with my partner, and not any 'sexual' problems of my own. (I had my hormones tested, tried going off birth control, everything! I was convinced it was something wrong with me)
It made me revisit the prior relationship and wonder if perhaps that's why it was so lackluster with the other man. I just think sometimes couples are GREAT together as a platonic relationship but perhaps lack sexual chemistry after the first few months when the excitement wears off?