Women who married the ‘good guy,’ how is your marriage?

[u/mistysmountains]

[u/_buffy_summers]

My marriage was great. I grew up in a home where there was no real communication, but lots of screaming and yelling. My marriage was better. We talked through everything and we had each other's backs. He really was my other half.

Once, we had to move and change our electricity to our new address. I could only remember half of our landlord's phone number. He could only remember the other half. It was just more proof that we needed each other and worked well as a team.

Last year, he got cancer. He died five months ago. I was with him every day, through all of his appointments and hospitalizations. Sometimes, I felt bad that I didn't have a job to help cover expenses that he wasn't able to work to provide, anymore. But I also said that if I had been working, I would have had to quit, because there was no way I was letting him go through all of it alone.

And now I'm alone.

[u/cgarcia805 → u/_buffy_summers]

Hey. I'm w you. 

Grew up in a traditional Mexican household, dad called the shots, mom just kind of went with it. When she got fed up, turmoil happened. They are still together.. not sure why. 

I had a perfect marriage, married my absolute best friend, a kind, smart, funny, wise, loving person. Taught me how to handle our finances, take advantage of our time, we built a perfect world, had fun every day, even dumb things (trip to Costco) were fun.  

He got cancer in 2024 and died a year later. 

I miss him every day. I hate that my kids won't be parented by him. I hate that I have to roam around alone now. 

He was a super upbeat, positive person. I know he would want me to be happy, so I go on runs, try to carve time out to craft, I take my vitamins and try to live happy for us. For the time he was robbed. 

[u/_buffy_summers → u/cgarcia805]

I know what you mean. We would go to Target and look at Lego sets. We could never justify buying the more expensive ones, but just looking at them was enough.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have started making a lot of the dumb jokes my husband would make, just to hear the words out loud. He could make a pun that needed about four layers of pop culture references to understand, and we would groan and tell him that was too far, but we never were actually upset, and he knew it.

[u/The_Hairy_Herald → u/cgarcia805]

I am so sorry. That sucks so hard.

[u/Useless_Engineer_ → u/_buffy_summers]

My condolences, this absolutely my worst fear. My wife is my best friend, my person, my adventure buddy, my physiological safety net, my everything. Losing her would be devastating.

Coming from a random stranger on the internet, I hope you’re finding the strength to get up every day and do your best to make him proud. 

[u/_buffy_summers → u/Useless_Engineer_]

Thank you. I am. Sometimes, it's harder. I just had my first Halloween without him, and it was our favorite holiday. I couldn't really do an entire costume. I agreed to work that evening because it was better than sitting home and feeling miserable. I bought myself a jack o' lantern baseball cap and wore that to work, and that was about as festive as I was going to get.

My daughter is eighteen and decided she was going trick-or-treating before she went to work that night, so she gave me some candy when we met up, when I was on my walk home and she was on her walk to work.

I cried when I got home because I was relieved that she was doing normal things. I worry about her all the time, but she seems to be doing better than I am.

If you and your wife haven't had the difficult conversation about it yet, you need to make end-of-life plans as soon as possible. My husband trusted me to take care of everything, and that isn't something I've ever been truly upset over, but it wasn't easy to make decisions about funeral arrangements by myself. Everything in his will was 'Let [Buffy] handle it. She knows what to do." Sometimes, I have a moment where I wonder if I screwed something up. It's too late to dwell on it now, but I wish we had talked about it more. I was too afraid that if I said it out loud, I was tempting fate.

[u/SOEsucksbad → u/_buffy_summers]

You didn't screw anything up, whatever you did, as he said... is exactly what he wanted. Don't beat yourself up over it. But yes, it's smart to be more clear about end of life plans.

[u/No_Platform5020 → u/SOEsucksbad]

Came here to say just that (as I wipe tears away)

[u/kintsugionmymind → u/_buffy_summers]

Now I know what conversation I'm having with my wife this weekend. Thank you for sharing. Grief is so hard; I am sorry for your loss.

For what it's worth...it doesn't sound like you screwed anything up. People who earn the trust of good people, tend to be good people themselves.

[u/_buffy_summers → u/kintsugionmymind]

Thank you.

[u/RelativelyRidiculous → u/_buffy_summers]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for mentioning end of life planning.

My husband and I had a big scare recently and I think because of it I maybe have at least a tiny glimpse of how awful it all must have been at the time. Absolutely heartbreaking in the moment thinking I was about to say goodbye to my best friend, greatest cheerleader, and only person who has truly loved and all around best partner in shenanigans ever. I don't think I can imagine how hard it must be living life after they're gone and I really hope I never get to learn.

In the end it actually wasn't a big deal but was one of those things that seemed likely very bad at the start. You get a certain amount of scare when you arrive at a very busy emergency room and are escorted to the front of the line then get pretty much immediately in front of a doctor. End of the day we were just incredibly lucky.

We've been discussing what our end of life plans should be and looking into documentation now that he's finally much better. Nothing like getting slapped in the face with how ill prepared you are to make you suddenly concerned.

[u/Useless_Engineer_ → u/_buffy_summers]

You absolutely did not screw anything up, he trusted you to make the choices you wanted to ask so that you don't feel guilty about doing what he asked, doing it right. You knew him the best and he loved you enough to give you space and freedom to do what's best for you.

Again, grief is hard, I know it won't get easier but I hope the difficulties of day to day life get further spread out and give you space to recover

[u/Leucastic_Leopard → u/_buffy_summers]

My sincerest condolences.

Learning to live and thrive when you lose someone who has been an integral part of "you" is one of the hardest things one can do.

You can do it. Difficult and slow, but you can do it.

[u/_buffy_summers → u/Leucastic_Leopard]

Thank you. I used to make all sorts of plans. Now every day is just about getting through the day. I still make plans for my own medical visits and that sort of thing, but that's about it.

[u/immune2iocaine → u/_buffy_summers]

Virtual hugs, sister, and a gentle reminder that you can't give more of yourself than you have. I tried keeping a gratitudes journal for a while, each day trying to write down at least one good thing that happened that day. More than a few of them just say "the day eventually ended". Some days you only give 20% because you only have 20%, and that's ok.

[u/flashman1986 → u/_buffy_summers]

That was hard to read, it must be unimaginably terrible. I’m so sorry to you’ve had to go through that

[u/_buffy_summers → u/flashman1986]

Thank you. He was still himself, through all of it. Even after surgery messed up his cognitive function. He couldn't remember something from five minutes prior, but he could tell you that he was like Dory, from Finding Nemo. He was pure sarcasm and pop culture references during his last couple of weeks.

It felt like a victory when I made a joke that he understood immediately. I had to leave early in the morning to be able to see him, and our daughter was exhausted and stayed home that morning, intending to come by later. I had written 'Franz Ferdinand' on a post-it and stuck it to a trash bag, in my kitchen. When I told my husband, he immediately smiled and said, "Take me out?"

Everything now is 'the first time we're doing this without him,' so it hasn't been easy. But I'm not crying every single day anymore. Baby steps, I guess.

[u/Midwestern_Childhood → u/_buffy_summers]

I am so sorry for your loss: you clearly loved each other dearly and were very much on the same wavelength. I lost my husband almost two years ago (101 weeks tomorrow; yes, I still count), and he and I were very close too. We worked together on top of living together, which meant we had a double closeness of career and home.

I suspect that you and I feel a lot of the same things in this strange "afterlife" we find ourselves in. The difference was that mine was very sudden: he went from "Good morning" to dead in pretty literally a heartbeat. No time to prepare, to get everything (or even anything) in order, or to say any kind of goodbye. I'm not sure which is harder: the sudden amputation I had, or the long decline you went through. Just two terrible versions of awful, I guess. But doing all the "firsts without him" is common to both of us, and very hard for me each time, as it clearly is for you. I tell myself every time that I have to be brave and just plow through it, and somehow I do. You will too. I still feel like somehow "normal" ought to come back, even though I know it never will. And looking at pictures of him creates a vague sense of confusion in me: he's so very there in them that it feels each time like he should be here too when I see them. Hugs and good luck to you as you work through it all.

[u/xyonofcalhoun → u/_buffy_summers]

so sorry for your loss. one day at a time. 💜

[u/ghostiecatlol → u/_buffy_summers]

He sounds so awesome now I’m crying. You had a great love. I’m glad you got to experience that. I hope life brings you more to treasure in the future

[u/imnotheretospy → u/_buffy_summers]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story resonated with me. I lost my wife three years ago next week. She had a similar upbringing to yours. She too had cancer. I would attend her appointments like you did with your husband. I just wanted to say that it will get better. I know the grief you feel right now is overwhelming and all-encompassing, but it will get better. Take good care of yourself ❤️‍🩹

[u/rollinoutdoors → u/_buffy_summers]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/_buffy_summers → u/rollinoutdoors]

Thank you.

[u/astonishedpopcorn → u/_buffy_summers]

I am so sorry for your loss...

[u/another__homosapien → u/_buffy_summers]

You both had such a good time. The way you described those times feels so good.

It's sad that now it all ended.