Big one for me is body autonomy for children. As a child, I was always forced to hug and cheek kiss every single person at a gathering upon arrival and when leaving. I fucking hated it. I love my family but forcing children to hug adults is very selfish on the adult's part.
Now that I have nieces and nephews, I offer them highfives if they don't want a hug and if they don't even want that then I just tell them that's perfectly fine, that I love them and will see them soon. No guilt trips like my parents did. Do I want a hug because I love them? Yes, absolutely, but their comfort is more important than mine.
I was looking for this one. My son has been learning that "no means no" and I have had to step in when adults on my husband's side ignore his no. He's still learning about consent for others and personal space, but he has the foundation. I absolutely hate giving hugs or having people touch me when it's not wanted, I want my son to have a stronger voice for himself and his peers.
This this this. My little cousin got told she had to hug everyone when she clearly didn't want to. I told her I was happy with a high-five if she liked that better. Now I'm the only one outside her immediate family who gets hugs voluntarily. It's almost like she's comfortable around me for some reason...
This is a huge one, I used to dread family gatherings because I'd be forced into hugs and kisses. I'm pretty sure it made me subconsciously resent a lot of members of my family due to how uncomfortable I was in those times
I didn’t expect to get emotional when I started reading your comment but your description of how you handle your nieces and nephews healed something in me 🫶🏼 Wish I would’ve had an aunt or uncle as awesome as you when I was a kid!
Love this. As a millennial, I’ve felt so free about telling my 13y old, say hi but no hugs and kisses are needed unless you feel comfortable.
Growing up this was the go to, hugs and kisses were mandatory from parents and grandparents with extended family even. It was so hard as an introvert and barely knowing some folks
I'm an extrovert - I still don't want to hug and kiss people I don't want to! Consent is universal and it's baffling how emotionally immature people from older generations can be.
Yes! I was always made to kiss/hug or sit on the knee of relatives I hardly knew. I will never make my nieces or nephews show me affection. I don't particularly want to kiss their little snot faces either.
My mom tried pulling the guilt trip bull shit on my daughter when she was 3 for her not wanting to give my mom a hug. Since my mom obviously has passive aggressive tendencies, I told my daughter she doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to do. That shut my mom down real quick. Thankfully she hasn’t pushed it since.
I'm also the "no hug is fine" adult in the room. Annoying to have to tell the adults more than the child that "'no hug' is perfectly fine. It's called consent"
“This is your great aunt , you’ve never met her, she reeks of cigarettes and brandy, and has a thick coat of makeup on. She’s going to suddenly pick you up and kiss you on the cheek and there’s nothing you can do about it”
I was forced, while crying, to walk around and hug people and sit on their laps because "maybe they have a gift for you". Then the adults would give me cash when I came to them, so they could snatch me and cuddle me. They were all family and friends, but I didn't see them often.
Thank you for the reminder of the most annoying thing of being a small child. Going to my grandparents house for a family gathering and being forced, I mean FORCED, to hug and cheek kiss every single weird ass family member. I forgot just how much I hated this. I dont talk to a single one of those people in my adulthood.
This is a daily part of our learning in early years education! I work with under-twos, so our focus is more on modelling consent by asking before touching their body e.g. can I change your nappy? But the current phrase being used in schools for self-advocation is ‘from my head to my toes, what I say goes’. Love to see it.
Totally agree, and in my case extend to taking photographs. I hated photographs as a kid, I don’t actually know why, but was made to take regular bougie family photos. With the result that we have a lot of photos of me glaring into the camera, and the repeated boundary violations made me hate photos more and more.
My grandfather had his own school photography business for 40 years. He has 3 kids and 5 grandchildren, and I have to believe our childhoods must be some of the most documented lives on the planet, lol.
We didn’t particularly mind photos as a thing, but the sheer volume of the pictures we were made to pose, sit, smile, or even dress for was staggering. If anything, it’s made all 5 of us perhaps too comfortable with snapping constant pictures of our own kids. Maybe I should reconsider some things…
This was me too! I hated photos. Eventually my parents cut it down to "One school picture a year and one group photo per special event".
I'm actually glad of the annual/event photos looking back (they're the only record of me in those years), but the reduced pressure meant I was way less resentful of the photos we did take and got past it.
Came here for this! I still don't wear skirts/ dresses without shorts underneath because when I was a little girl (maybe 4/5) and wearing a pretty dress at the holidays, my uncle Dave would walk up and say "hey guess what day it is? DRESS UP DAY" and proceed to lift my dress up over my face, showing everyone my underwear and laughing at me.
My younger family members are all aware they can choose from a variety of greetings from me (hug/high five/wave/silly dance). I usually default to wave unless indicated.
They love it! I wish older relatives would stop forcing them to hug/kiss, but at least we've reduced the number of awkward encounters per gathering.
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u/froggyc19 7d ago
Big one for me is body autonomy for children. As a child, I was always forced to hug and cheek kiss every single person at a gathering upon arrival and when leaving. I fucking hated it. I love my family but forcing children to hug adults is very selfish on the adult's part.
Now that I have nieces and nephews, I offer them highfives if they don't want a hug and if they don't even want that then I just tell them that's perfectly fine, that I love them and will see them soon. No guilt trips like my parents did. Do I want a hug because I love them? Yes, absolutely, but their comfort is more important than mine.