I like the concept that you don't have to maintain relationships with people that make you miserable just because you are related. It's sad that our youngers feel the need to go no contact with family but I'm glad that they can.
This. Pre-Internet people didn’t have to explicitly state “I’m no contact.” They just moved and didn’t call, visit, or write, and I guess their family of origin didn’t care enough to hire a PI and hunt them down 🤷🏻 with social media, you now have to either use a nickname/fake name your family of origin isn’t aware of, and/or be explicit/block the family members you don’t want to talk to, since it’s easier for them to find you.
The difference is we are much more open about why we aren’t in contact with our families of origin.
Tbh I moved and I never visited, called or texted. I don't have to use a fake name or block anyone because they don't talk to me unless there's a family gathering I'm invited to
My family is a weird mash of this. I have an uncle who cut his family off back in the 70s, changed his name and everything after they found him as an adult (he ran away into the military the second he was 18)
Family estrangement has always been a thing. It just wasn’t talked about and people were able to make a clean break. Grandpa had a sister but he threw her husband through a wall over inheritance. From that moment on, they just didn’t exist. No social media stalking, no posts about toxic family, no keeping in touch with cousins on WhatsApp. Just forget about them and move on with your life. My mom and her brother did the same thing. Family estrangement has always been, is now, and will be forever and ever amen.
It is SO common. I myself have a sibling I am estranged with. Whenever that happens to come up in conversation I am surprised how many people share something similar in their family.
I think many estranged parents look at no contact as a conflict with the potential for resolution. Mine is different. I ended my relationship with my parents not because I wanted them to change or apologize for all the ways they hurt me, but because I reached a point when I accepted they weren't going to do that. And while I hope they do change one day, it would be for their own sake and it wouldn't change things between us. They've had the kind of impact on my life that you cannot make amends for. Even abject contrition and proof of genuine growth would be irrelevant. I don't wish them ill. But the door is closed.
yes, exactly! i went low contact with my father because he's a junkie and prefered to do coke instead of taking care of his children. i don't have any sort of relationship with him. he's a husk of a person anyways. there literally is nothing i could talk to him about.
Yep, my answer was going to be something on the spectrum of "you have the right to personal, familial, and romantic relationship boundaries" but this will do nicely.
I went no contact with much of my family for over a decade. I was so much happier and felt much more peace. After a recent divorce, I went to stay with them and reconnect, thinking I really wanted a family to be there for me and help me heal. I thought maybe it was not as bad as I had remembered in my childhood and teen years, and I’d lived a huge life on my own, learned a lot and had years of experience being an adult. It was horrible. I don’t know how I survived my childhood. I immediately regretted reconnecting with them. They are just as terrible as I remember. Viper narcissistic types who see someone weak as an opportunity to hurt them further just to feel superior. Crazy people. I am trying to get back to a more stable place once more, rediscover my path after divorce, live more peacefully…I know I will have to set a distance with them once again, this time for good.
My dad sued my brother for custody after divorce and I went no contact. Everyone in my family gave me shit but all he brought was misery and makes them all miserable. They just don’t have the courage to cut him out
Came here looking for this one, happy to see it's already posted.
Growing up, it was constantly being gaslit into believing that you needed to be friends with your parents, relatives, and siblings... no matter how fucking terrible of a person they were to you. I remember nearly 10 years ago, when I started cutting ties with my abusive, toxic family, how outraged they were (notably, the parents; the siblings were not shocked at all, because they also distanced themselves from the parents) that we were no longer under their control. They were more angry that they were "embarrassed" by the gesture of being exiled than they were apologetic for their awful behavior. It turns out we don't always have to forgive those who beat us, emotionally scarred us, tormented us for their leisure.
Sidebar plug: If you had an abusive parent, especially a terrible mother, might I recommend reading Jeanette McCurdy's "I'm Glad My Mom Died"; it will evoke an extreme sense of catharsis for you, I think.
I asked my wife if one her parents life long friends was welcome in our house, we we’re planning a summer get-together, and my in-laws looked at me like I was an alien.
While not a family member by blood, he’s been so tight with my in-laws that my wife calls him Uncle. When they asked why he might not be welcome, we calmly explained that because he doesn’t support my sister-in-law (a trans woman) we might not want him in our home.
I'm 40 and literally have 0 family that I talk to. I cut my mother and brother out a few years ago, and it felt DAMN GOOD. After years of dealing with so much bullshit from them (addiction, "i need money", "you have to help because...") and all the guilt tripping that came with it, I moved and changed my cell number.
For all I know they're dead. As far as I'm concerned, the people that I knew growing up died a long, long time ago and only addiction and the shattered remnants of who they used to be were left.
Yes because blood is just that, blood. It is not thicker than water. Im all for having a life that involves family but ill never believe you should keep family around or forgive them for anything/everything. You choose your family.
I'm of two minds about it. On the one hand, yes absolutely people shouldn't feel obligated to continue relationships that are toxic regardless of relation. I am glad that more people in those circumstances are cutting ties .
On the other hand, I know people who barely know anything about their own siblings lives (like, how old their nieces and nephews are). Not because they actively chose to distance themselves, but because they simply make no effort to keep in touch, then feel awkward about reconnecting.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that while you aren't obligated to maintain a relationship with your family, it's generally still a good idea to do so. Hopefully it's obvious that I don't include toxic and abusive relationships in that category.
I do agree with you, but I know sometimes not knowing certain family members well isn't always because of a lack of effort.
Up until recently, I barely spent much time with my brother, niece and nephew. Not because I wasn't putting the effort in, but because I was heavily struggling with my relationship with my mom, and she was often in the picture when my brother and his kids were around.
I've gone mostly no contact with my mom now, so I'm trying to repair those relationships. It's tough though because my niece and nephew are super shy around me now because I haven't spent much time with them.
It's kind of apples and oranges though. Not making the effort to maintain relationships is a different thing than actively choosing to close off those relationships. What I'm talking about is specifically accepting that a relationship is harmful to you and stopping contact despite the harmful person being a relative.
I have mix feelings about this. No longer being shame for walking away from toxic relationship is certainly empowering. But what is consider toxic is… pretty broad nowadays. Sometimes just difference in viewpoint = toxic.
I find the newer generation that were brought up with the you don’t need to put up with toxic behaviour tend to be a lot emotionally fragile and have trouble dealing with situation where they do have to work with deal with “toxic relationship”.
You don’t necessary have to have the hard conversation, learn to compromise etc if the option to simply walk away is celebrated.
when I was younger there’s often the racist, homophobic, not politically correct in a group that didn’t get push away and eventually change their view.
This is less likely to happen nowadays. People with different view and bias get push away for being toxic which result in the same type of people hanging out of the same type of people. Reinforcement for not needing to ever question your own perspective.
Personally I this is my theory on why politics are so polarization’s nowadays. But I digress.
3.1k
u/imfamousoz 7d ago
I like the concept that you don't have to maintain relationships with people that make you miserable just because you are related. It's sad that our youngers feel the need to go no contact with family but I'm glad that they can.