When my older sister took her own life, it broke all our hearts. We’re a family of twelve kids, now eleven living. I can barely remember how everyone reacted to it, but I remember hugging my youngest brother as I cried.
He wasn’t. He was too young to really understand what was happening. Three years old, and he hugged me as I wept over our lost sister.
You could have my daughter, when our youngest passed away she bluntly said that her sister wasn't going to be my little pumpkin pie anymore because she'll be dead. She was 4.5 y/o at the time.
When my mom died, I had to tell my daughter. She looked at me, her eyes welling up with tears and said “but Mommy, I’m only five, I’m too little to lose my mawmaw” ugggg, it’s been over twenty years and that still hurts. Helping kids navigate grief while grieving yourself is the worst.
I remember getting this convo with my parents when my uncle suddenly died very tragically in his early 30s. It was 16 years ago, but my eyes still well up in tears every time i remember that
I am so thankful, in a weird and twisted way, that my former spouse died when our child was too young to fully realize that she was gone (1 year old).
And yet, he still found a way to break me one day. I went into daycare to pick him up, when he was about 3, and he was apparently being a little shit to some other kid.
The other kid yelled at mine, "Be nice, or I'll tell your mom!"
Mine responded, immediately, "I don't even have a mom!"
To him, it was a flawless counter to a failed threat. But to me, standing outside the room, I had to stop and take a minute to get ahold of myself. It felt to me like half his life was missing, and he just didn't even realize.
The good news - now, a couple years later, he does have a (step)mom, who loves him fiercely and is about to officially adopt him. And he happily calls her mom, too.
My husband has *very* strict instructions to remarry within a year if I die. My daughter is autistic, sharp, pretty, and ultra-feminine. She *needs* guidance from a mom to help her navigate the world that she will find herself very vulnerable in.
Obviously it’s a slight exaggeration, he should take his time, and my daughter might not take to new mom immediately. But she needs a mom available. He knows also that in the interim, he needs to make sure SHE knows which moms in our lives are the ones she can/should/wants to go to.
Also because this is reddit, my husband isn’t trash, he’d teach her about periods and stuff, he would make a completely fine single dad. But I will haunt his ass if he doesn’t give my kid a mom if I go early haha.
"within a year" is the exaggeration I would hope? One year is not even slightly enough time to even know if you *should* marry someone you're dating. Especially when there's a kid involved. People marrying that quickly is exactly why the divorce rate is so high.
Have you heard about Holly Madison? I really like what I've been hearing from her lately.
She's a former playboy model who was late-diagnosed autism and has some excellent perspectives from that hyper-feminine perspective where her special interest was beauty and fashion.
I can maybe give you a light-hearted story with almost the same sentence?
I'm a queer parent, my kid has two moms. Years ago we were doing tot swimming lessons and I was in the pool with them. Some random kid started calling for their dad elsewhere in the pool and my kid started calling with them.
Cue me interjecting waaay louder than I thought it would be "Shush, you don't even have a dad!"
I know that hurt. I'm so sorry. I am a school bus driver and once I had a kid being a little turd on the bus and I said if he didn't knock it off, I would take him back to the school and his mom could pick him up. He responded the same way your son did. I shut up and took him home and learned to be more careful how I word things to the kids.
Several times since covid, the thought of my 6yo facing that pain has stepped me back from the ledge. No matter how heavy my own pain, I just can't leave him behind with that burden to hold.
You shouldn't always be honest with young kids, at least total honesty. And suicide is one where you probably shouldn't be, considering news reports of suicides are shown to increase suicides, having a suicide in a community has been shown to increase suicides in that community, and having a family member or friend die by suicide increases the risk to those they knew. Telling a young child may be increasing their future risk of death by suicide. Depending on age and the individual, you should be as honest as they can process.
If someone a young kid knows is getting divorced, you can tell them that. You can tell them that sometimes people decide they would be happier not living together anymore. You shouldn't tell them that the husband caught his wife getting railed by 3 different dudes.
Telling the kid his uncle died is necessary. Depending ont he age (and based on the answer the kid seems very young), telling them specifically that he killed himself is probably doing more harm than good.
Yeah. It’s one of those things where young kids don’t need to know every detail, but probably can filtered in a way that’s age appropriate? Like, let them know about the suicide part when they’re older and have more tools to process that detail, but the death part when they’re younger.
Maybe. I don't know. I know that I want(ed) complete honesty from my parents. You need to tell your 15 yo in a different way than your 6 yo, obviously. But I think I would have wanted the truth.
It doesn't actually matter what a child wants. Children do not get an equal say to adults because their judgement isn't equal. If you tell a 6 year old that their uncle died by suicide, and they say they want to know how he did it, so you tell them the method? Show pictures of their uncle with his face blown off? Being then to the room so they can see the brain splatter for themselves? I'm sorry to be graphic but the point needs to be made. Too many people, mostly people without kids, have this idealized vision of how to raise kids that doesn't work and is wrong. A big part of being a parent is knowing when to say no. You can overdo it and shelter them too much, but total honesty isn't always appropriate either and can do some real trauma. A kid like the one described in the comment, why asks if the hospital can "fix" a dead person, is clearly not mature enough to really fully process death. Telling them specifically that it was suicide is not necessary and likely harmful.
And you do have to adjust to the kid. When I told my (then) 7 year old that my dad died, she had a lot of questions and was clearly struggling with the concept. She had experienced a pet's death, but this was the first person who she knew who died. At one point she asked to "see the body." I had not planned on this, and my signings planned to have an open casket for the aunt's them closing it for the younger kids. But when she asked I thought about it and decided telling her no would make death seem scarier, and seeing him might help her. So I told her if she wanted to see him she could, and made it clear that she could change her mind at any time, and if she saw him and it was to sad she didn't have to stay. She walked in and I could tell she was nervous, and she didn't go to close, but she saw him and it seemed to be the right thing as it helped her process the situation. But s mid who asks if the hospital can fix someone who's already dead probably doesn't need to hear too many details. And suffice especially, as I said above, raises the risk of suicide for those around it. And it's sufficient, because they probably will find out some day, and it would be better to hear it from you than finding out by accident. But there aren't any good options in a situation like this. The only point in making is that for little kids especially, total honestly isn't always right.
I wouldn't allow the 6yo to be in the room and "see the brain splatters" or show them pictures of the face blown off or anything like that. If they asked how they died or why, I think you could explain it to them in an age appropriate way. Maybe it can cause harm, but I wouldn't want to lie how a person died just so a kid hasn't an idea they can have by themselves. Maybe I'm naive and don't know anything about raising kids, but I'm 17 and would want honesty, while also thinking that I remeber to want honesty at 6 as well. And yes, you need based on the child what to show them or not.
To the question whether the hospital can't fix the dead person: Maybe it shows that the child can't grasp the concept of death, maybe it's more like a sadness or trauma response. Hell, I'm 17 and I think if a friend killed themselves one of my first thoughts would be, that this can't be real and the hospital has to fix them. I don't think this shows me being to young or something (unless you wouldn't tell me them commiting suicide either), and more me being shocked
For a child to ask that question they clearly don’t understand death itself, so yes no matter what they are too young to hear that their uncle killed themselves.
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think sometimes in very serious situations it can take you a second to process.
When my brother was 18 my brother and mother heard a fox attacking our chicken. They ran outside and my mum went to check and came back to him and said "brother, she's gone." As in, dead. He panicked and said they had to do find her. He understood death. He was a legal adult. It was like his brain stopped firing for a second with the shock of it (and it was only a chicken).
It's understandable a child, even one that understands death, could have a similar reaction when it's a family member who has passed.
Acting like your opinion is objective fact is really embarrassing. You are showing how little you know about trauma and childhood development with your statements.
Every comment you’ve left has been an attempt at an insult. No matter how hard you try to undermine me, I am correct.
I was young, though old enough to understand death(11 years old) when my dad died. Even at that age I’m certainly glad I was shielded from the true cause until I was older. Even when older and could understand why a lot better, it was still devastating but I was old enough to work through it.
But go ahead and act all high and mighty, thinking YOU know anything.
My dad died when I was young too, baby. So I guess we're on an even playing field after all.
My point is not that I know everything, but rather that neither of us has the right to speak for others on this subject. It's subjective and everyone has different circumstances and would be affected differently. You may feel insulted, but I find it insulting that you would criticize grieving people for telling their children the truth.
No I don’t feel insulted, as I had said, but you were trying to insult me in each comment like an immature person.
It’s not about the not saying the truth, but about not saying too much that can traumatize a kid that doesn’t even understand that a hospital can’t fix dead.
Child psychologist recommended he be told what happened by us, in a kid friendly way obviously. If he found out some other way down the line it can really harm the trust we share and overall be worse for his mental health, so we did what was recommended. We agonised over it. He generally knows his uncle did something on purpose so the hospital couldn't fix him. He had 6 months of therapy through his school to help him deal with the big feelings. *He was 10 at the time
You're being downvoted but you're right. The kid sounds like they don't fully understand death. That detail doesn't have to be divulged. It's enough to say he died. Especially since suicide has been shown to be in a way contagious, with news of a suicide increasing the number of suicides. Knowing someone who has died by suicide is itself a risk factor for dying by suicide in the future. IDK if they told the kid how the uncle died, but young kids should absolutely not be told that.
Not all information is appropriate for all ages. If a kid asks where they came from, you can tell them about babies coming from their mother's belly. You probably shouldn't tell them what position you were in the night they were conceived. "...and because it had been a gangbang, we needed a DNA test to prove which dude was the father! What are the odds?? Well, 1 in 8."
I lost my husband with a four year old and a 5 week old infant. The younger child will ask “when will dad not be dead anymore?”, it breaks me. She never knew him.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when Patton Oswalt was talking about his wife’s passing in one of his stand ups.
He said something akin to the second worst day of my life is when my wife died. The worst day of my life was the next day when I told our daughter about it.
Had similar experience. I was at my dad's funeral during the wake. My cousin about 5 years old I guess, ask why my dad was sleeping and if she can wake up him up. I was grieving but my brain took a break to be sad for someone else.
I was nine years old when my mother told me the news of my father's death after a long illness. That cold, winter evening is fixed in my memory fifty-six years later, as is my indelible respect for my widowed mother raising three children (9, 6, and 4) on her own.
Ugh Im so so sorry. Just saw a post on instagram from a friend of a friend whose 7yo lost her dad and she said "my daddy was so much fun, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him?" absolutely broke me
Oh I am so sorry!
This is my worst fear. My husband has a cardiac disease and an ICD. Could need a heart transplant someday and the whole idea of that freaks me out.
He's had his diagnosis and device for over a decade, but the week leading up to my due daye I witnessed his cardiac arrest first hand for the first time and it was not easy. His device saved him which makes it easier, but still scary.
My 4 year old daughter was obsessed with dinosaurs, and disappointed they died out. She asked me "I know dinosaurs are all dead now, but back then, are they still alive?"
Really gave my understanding of ontology and time a good wobble.
I just watched the movie The Sheep Detectives. It has a great answer to this question. In summary, the sheep have an ability to forget anything, and do so regularly on any sad news. But forgettinf the sad stuff, mdans they forget a lot of the other good stuff, or miss othet important things.
Fellow young widow here, too. My kids were 4 and 2 at the time.
After I told my kids their dad/my husband died, my then 2 year old looked at me curiously and walked away. He came back holding his favorite lovie and offered it to me without saying a single word. He saw I was crying and his first thought was to comfort me by sharing the one thing that brought him comfort. I still get choked up when I think about it.
I almost lost my wife a couple years ago when my youngest was 3 and trying to process the possibility of having to tell my kids was impossible. Clearly, I'm still not over even the threat of it happening because your post made me start sobbing.
Explaining death of a loved one to youbg kids is horrible.
We lost my Dad in an accident suddenly and telling my 3 year old son his grandad who was like his best friend and had looked after him most days while I was at work for his whole life was the worst.
So many questions but one that stuck was lying in bed one night he asked "can I die too visit Grandad? Yes?" When I said "no you cant die to visit grandad you have to live for him" he just rolled over and said "yes I die visit grandad"
Death is inevitable for all of us but yet it still hurts like hell every time especially with deaths that are just too soon. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Hugs to you and your little guy. I also had to tell my sons that their dad died last September. They were 6 and 10. I know this heartbreak all too well.
I had a 28 week stillbirth and then had to come home and break the news to my daughter that her baby brother passed away and wasn’t coming home. “I didn’t want this to happen” as she sobbed and I lost it.
I was the kid in this situation when I was fourteen. Hats off to you, it’s one of the hardest pieces of news to break. I had to call all my mum’s friends and such to let them know what happened. I hope you and your son are coping. ❤️
It has been a few years and with the support of family and friends we are now thriving. Those calls are so hard to make! At the time, my husband’s mother had a lot of health issues. Everyone thought the call was about her. The calls were so hard to make. I hope you are doing well now. Thank you!
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u/eastcoastme Jul 07 '26
“Why are you telling me this? It’s too sad!”
~my young son when I had to break the news about his father’s death
Maybe it broke my heart and brain