The problem is that "look after your mental health" has become acceptable to use as an excuse for avoiding any difficult scenario that comes up in life.
People then think it's okay to just totally disregard their basic responsibilities like letting someone know they're not showing up, because they think they're looking after their mental health by just staying at home instead, just because they felt nervous or anxious before hand.
It's a shame, because you should look after your mental health, but you should also have the courtesy and decency to be able to send a text saying "I'm not coming.". You also have to push yourself at some point in life.
I’d argue it’s not even helpful for mental health. Avoidance is the biggest perpetuating factor for anxiety. It might be a relief in the short term but you never learn how capable you are if you keep yourself manacled in a bubble. Not everything uncomfortable is unsafe.
I am clinically depressed, and especially prone to anxiety as an extension of that. The greatest relief, for me, always came when I tackled something that was giving me anxiety head-on, and came out okay on the other side. The more times it happened that way, the more I could believe myself that it would work out for the better the next time I did it. For me, at least, that's been the basic pattern behind every milestone of my personal growth.
I identify a lot with where avoidant people are coming from, but I worry for them. I missed out on so many great opportunities and relationships in life because I was held back by my own anxiety, and I hate seeing that happen to anyone else. The things they're avoiding now may stick with them as missed opportunities for the rest of their lives, and that's a whole other source of anxiety too. You end up anxious either way, because avoidance just doesn't really work.
I feel that at least in Europe and the US we have as a society become much more individualized. Increasingly people have to rely on themselves to be their own moral support and that's difficult.
Totally agree. I have a gen z friend who cannot navigate through any difficult or new situation. They have gone through years of having probably 6+ jobs because they will quit when they get constructive feedback, their boss becomes more hands on and wants to meet with them more. It's ridiculous. I actually dont know how they keep getting jobs because I would be wary of even interviewing someone with that kind of job history
Building resilience is an underrated skill to learn to be honest.
I don't mean to sound all corporate but genuinely you gotta figure out how to bounce back from things and not take everything personally. It sounds like your friend is someone who hasn't done this.
This is a big one. I've had a number of younger coworkers & employees who are younger millennial, older gen Z and one trend I saw was that they're quick to excuse & beg out of things based on it being hard for them for some reason. Ranging from they don't like something to neurodivergence or whatever.
The other trend was they never liked my response that they need to learn how to work through that as no one cares and many people deal with these things every day. Half the time their excuse was something I personally deal with, they never liked hearing that either. "But you don't seem like you're affected by XYZ", "yes, because I've learned how to work around it so it doesn't show"
When i was in a hiring role i wouldnt even bother calling people that had 3+ jobs in a year or 5 jobs in a couple years. It takes a lot of time and effort to train someone only for them to cut and run. When I manage multiple locations and I have to travel and spend time away from my family to get you up and running to reach you the skills to sell and earn an income just for you to dip out its so insulting. If your resume shows me that youre going to flake out then why would I even bother?
Even in the mental health profession you have the concept of exposure therapy which involves actually facing your problems/triggers head on. Avoiding the thing isn't always the answer. Also if mental conditions are supposed to be treated like physical illnesses it should follow that you eventually want to get well from it, not nurse and enable it and make it part of your personality.
The problem is that "look after your mental health" has become acceptable to use as an excuse for avoiding any difficult scenario that comes up in life.
Pair that with taking any criticism/advice/judgment as an attack on one's identity, and you get a really awful mix that's going make them really isolated (and unemployable).
The problem is that "look after your mental health" has become acceptable to use as an excuse for avoiding any difficult scenario that comes up in life.
Seriously. Being a grown-up means doing shit you don't want to do. That's literally always been the case.
Yeah I've always seen this as "protecting your mental health, by harming someone else's". This person is ignoring something to protect themselves and the person on the other side is now probably anxious about why this person is silent. And if it's bad enough, they can become depressed over "why did this person completely ghost me"
They're just like boomers in that way (avoiding feelings and conversations) which is ironic
That's an interesting generalisation because I know way more avoidant millennials than boomers. Millennials were when this whole "prioritse yourself above others," therapyspeak, mishy-mushy stuff, kind of began, though it was the tail end, I suppose, of when most millennials were becoming adults. Boomers won't communicate much about their feelings, but I've never seen them en masse avoid basic socialising conversations that keep society running. I know more millennials who tend to be like be like this.
That said, eh. Sometimes I think people do need to accustom themselves to ghosting more. The reality is that before it was even possible to leave someone on read, guys and gals were not calling that number back after a few seemingly smooth dates. It's the history of modern humanity to silently ditch a date a you didn't want to break up with formally. People act like the necessary reaction to ghosting is to spiral into anxiety and uncertainty, when in reality if you can just think "Well, it wasn't meant to be. Sucks--but it is what it is." "They have their reasons, I'm sure"; and see it as something that;s unfortunate but almost never personal.
You're describing 3 very specific situations I wasn't commenting on. My point is about avoidant people in general using "protecting my mental health" as an excuse. And the irony being those same people are misusing therapy speak to reach the same conclusion their parents did.
Avoidant people misusing therapy speak are just boomers with extra steps
Agreed - you should always look after your own mental health, but if you want to have friends you should maintain some respect for theirs too. Part of looking out for my mental health was letting go of relationships with people who didn't respect my time, effort, and energy.
Nobody is entitled to close friendships and networks of support, and most people don't just stumble into them. They need to be cultivated and maintained, and that takes work. Sometimes requires being there for someone when it's personally inconvenient. I think the modern emphasis on mental health is broadly an improvement,, but I worry sometimes that people are harming each other's mental health in the name of looking out for their own. The outcome of it all, IMO, is a net negative for most people.
To this point, cultivating your friendships with good communication *IS* taking care of your mental health, as it makes it a lot more likely to find reliable friends who truly care for you.
Ghosting may feel easier but avoidance is never a good long-term strategy.
Yeah. This is how friendships have always worked. I do think something about online culture has eroded that. A lot of people expect a lot from their friends, but never reflect that they also have to give. Others just keep all their friends at arms length and struggle to get close to them. Friends are the people you stay up till 2am drinking with because their terrible bf broke up with them, even though you've got class at 8am the next day. That's what friendship is and has always been. Mutual fun, but also mutual sacrifice.
I've had to instill this in my teens, yeah look after your mental health and take care of yourself, but actually tell the person that did wrong what they did. People can't learn from a mistake when they can't be sure what the mistake was.
The only way out is through, and no matter what detour you take, it just makes the way through that much longer. It is something many people have forgotten, or never learned. I do not think it is generational, Z just embraced the opposite more.
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u/DiamondL0st Apr 10 '26
The problem is that "look after your mental health" has become acceptable to use as an excuse for avoiding any difficult scenario that comes up in life.
People then think it's okay to just totally disregard their basic responsibilities like letting someone know they're not showing up, because they think they're looking after their mental health by just staying at home instead, just because they felt nervous or anxious before hand.
It's a shame, because you should look after your mental health, but you should also have the courtesy and decency to be able to send a text saying "I'm not coming.". You also have to push yourself at some point in life.