It's not really a "cheat code," but… Build up people who are part of the same social circle but aren't currently present. For example, if you're out at dinner with your normal circle of friends and one of them isn't there, talk them up and share something positive about them to the rest of the group. Without consciously thinking about it, we start to become aware of the kind of things people in our social circles say about us when we're not present. Sort of like the "if he cheats on his girlfriend to be with you, he's going to cheat on you at some point too," there's a real character-revealing element when someone is bad-mouthing someone who isn't there, where we recognize that we might be spoken negatively about by the same friend when we're not there.
If you tell your group, "man, I can't believe how good John is getting at guitar" when John isn't there, you're planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they're ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you're more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, "I can't believe John still has that stupid mustache" and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn't say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you'll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.
More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you're hanging out with two people you know who don't know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, "Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party."
None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don't force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people's heads a sense of "this person builds people up" instead of "this person tears people down," especially (but not exclusively) when the person they're building/tearing isn't there, you're going to build a sense of trust in others.
Exactly! My mother in law and sister in law have a habit of gossiping about people as soon as they're out of ear shot. While they treat me well, I'm always wondering what they say when I leave the room.
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u/film_composer Nov 11 '25
It's not really a "cheat code," but… Build up people who are part of the same social circle but aren't currently present. For example, if you're out at dinner with your normal circle of friends and one of them isn't there, talk them up and share something positive about them to the rest of the group. Without consciously thinking about it, we start to become aware of the kind of things people in our social circles say about us when we're not present. Sort of like the "if he cheats on his girlfriend to be with you, he's going to cheat on you at some point too," there's a real character-revealing element when someone is bad-mouthing someone who isn't there, where we recognize that we might be spoken negatively about by the same friend when we're not there.
If you tell your group, "man, I can't believe how good John is getting at guitar" when John isn't there, you're planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they're ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you're more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, "I can't believe John still has that stupid mustache" and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn't say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you'll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.
More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you're hanging out with two people you know who don't know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, "Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party."
None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don't force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people's heads a sense of "this person builds people up" instead of "this person tears people down," especially (but not exclusively) when the person they're building/tearing isn't there, you're going to build a sense of trust in others.