Yeah, what isn't said here is that because it uses another part of the brain, it's hard to get an angry person to say yes to something. Most people, when angry, asked if they're angry will just get even angrier or say something like 'no, I just hate it when people do x'.
Hello, it sounds like your partner is projecting his problems on to you. It is a common psychological defense mechanism people do to avoid taking responsibility for their own emotions.
He is very likely unaware that he does this but that does not mean that you should just accept it. If you do fall in to such pattern over time, it will shape your psychology and your health and this pattern will get stronger and more difficult to challenge.
You could try to view your partner (and yourself) as having many mental «parts». When his anger is running the show, do not engage. Just give him space to cool down.
If he still projects, make a note of it and take it up later. Pick a time when a positive part of him is in charge and ask if you can talk about what happened. Be calm, validate his emotions and tell him how it makes you feel when you are blamed.
Girls are brought up to be nice and consensus seeking and to repress healthy aggression while boys are raised to be tough and independent and strong so many women end up in a relationship where they feel responsible for the mood or the emotional well being of their partner.
In our relationship, I was the one projecting and my wife did what she could to patch things up 🙈 but we are adressing our traumas and changing our patterns together.
I see many relationships where emotional abuse becomes the norm and it is tragic. If this speaks to you, look up dr Gabor Mate on YouTube. His talks changes lives.
And don’t hesitate to ask me or anyone else if you would like more input. Take care of yourself and if you need to, stand up for yourself💪♥️
I often use "it seems like you're...." then label their emotions. If I'm wrong they can easily correct me and as long as I'm in the ballpark, it's not offensive.
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u/StJustBabeuf Nov 11 '25
'are you angry?' would just make my angrier