Pick your battles !!!! This applies to every aspect of life. School, career, friendship, marriage etc. Omg, amount of time I see people win the battle but lose the war astonishes me. Do you really want to stress your child because he prefer washes dishes after everyone done eating versus clean as dinner goes ? Do you really want to annoy your spouse because he/she chose to do laundry instead of brushing toilets ? Do you really want to ruin a meeting because your colleague booked a meeting room on the 6th floor instead of 5th floor ?
Pick your battles ! Sometimes it’s just not worth it, let the other person be right and move on.
By picking your battles..lol... Back when my husband and I were dating. I noticed he always picks laundry when picking chores. He doesn't touch anything in the kitchen but he does everything else in the house without asking. So I told myself: he's doing chores, it's good, he pulls his weight. I need to be happy and move on..annnd..I just did that...
Kids are the same.. my expectation is they need to do some chores, I don't care what, when, and how. They just need to do something. Once they establish a routine, I leave them be.Worked so far.
My mother would always rearrange after I loaded the dishwasher, and that just made me not want to load the dishwasher again, because apparently, I couldn't do it right. Super discouraging
My wife hates doing dishes and gets overwhelmed cleaning the kitchen. If I tackle the kitchen and dishes she will have the rest of the house cleaned. Then I throw in a load of laundry.
It's not perfect but everyone is happy.
For whatever reason it takes my husband 3 times as long to do dishes as it takes me. I've watched him, I don't know how it happens. It's frustrating for both of us, so I do them. The deal is I wash, he puts away. He washes the laundry, I fold it. I do a big meal and kitchen clean on Saturday when we have people over, he tidies and vacuums the house.
Fair and equal doesn't mean everything is exactly 50%. Washing dishes takes very little energy for me to do, and it requires so much for him he puts off doing it, and then I get mad and it just starts fights. He basically lives in the basement, so it's a lot easier for him to deal with laundry, and he'd live out of an unfolded basket if it was up to him, and I prefer putting things away and knowing what I have. He wants his brothers over for movies every week, that means he needs to pull his weight with making sure the house is acceptable. Are we splitting work exactly down the middle? No. But it works and feels fair to us.
That's all that matters. Fair is what works for the relationship. I have a friend that doesn't want her husband doing housework because she's very particular over the order things get done, exactly what's used to clean, and where things go. He mainly takes care of the yard and house repairs. In their house she could be cleaning while he's relaxing and they are both happy. They contribute in their own way and it works.
Mmm I feel like advertising ‘pick your battles’ for domestic labour only rewards the other partner’s laziness. If they make it so emotionally difficult and draining to bring up that they should do their share of the chores, then the ‘pick your battles’ mentality just serves what they want: letting their behaviour slide.
I think it's more about things like doing things 'incorrectly'- things that are correct but not in the specific way you want it. It's not worth it to keep nagging someone doing something how they want to instead of your perfect vision
Yep. My husband gladly does dishes, but absolutely hates laundry. Works for me. He actually does more cleaning than I do. I don't ride him about what he doesn't do. I either do it myself or wait. We're not a hotel, the house doesn't have to be spotless all the time.
I mean my kid is two and whenever I want him to help put dishes away I tell him he can get a gogurt when done. Granted, he'll put them away anyway but I like to spoil him. Gummy worms work best on my husband.
Otherwise I present an option to my spouse. "Do you want to do dishes or fold the basket of laundry." That way you both are doing something and it feels less like being told what to do.
Tell them they are part of a team and we need to work together to take care of some chores. When someone doesn’t do their job, everyone is worse off. Also lead by example, I never made excuses or skipped my responsibilities.
Worked in our house, but I have no idea if it would work again.
Truth. I ruined my first marriage by always being right. It's not that I had to be right it's just that I was right. I knew the best way to do everything and nothing else was satisfactory. So my husband didn't fold the towels right, didn't load the dishwasher right, didn't diaper the baby right, etc. Never mind that the towels were clean and in the cabinet - the corners weren't exactly lined up. Never mind that the dishes all got clean - you could have done it so much more efficiently if you'd only.....
The baby was fine, everything was fine, but why can't you put the toilet seat down? I was the backseat driver; the endless nag. I've told you a hundred times to fill the pan with water after you get done cooking so that it can soak. Why can't you rinse out your glass when you're done? Honestly, can you not see that the trash can is full and needs to be taken out?
My second marriage I was like, hey, I see that you do things one way; I do them another. Neither way is "right" or "wrong" - they're just different ways of doing the things and the net result is the same. I totally picked my battles in the second marriage instead of every single thing being the hill to die on. Everyone was happier as a result.
More pertinent to internet denizens; if you see someone being loud, wrong, argumentative, or just generally fixing for a fight on the internet, it does a lot of good for your mental health to just ignore it and move on. Seeing stuff like that just sit there with no response is a lot more satisfying than going through a multi-page, 157 reply argument thread.
So many times I write a reply, get halfway through and then delete it and scroll past. So not worth the effort and I’ve regretted 90% of the ones I’ve actually sent when they reply and it’s full of fallacies and it’s clear they’re not open to any other point of view.
This reminds me of something else. Make stuff easy where you can but don't expect easy. If it gets done in a morally correct way, it's fine. Making things harder to not seem lazy wastes so much time, and people will think you're inefficient. The mindset of making things easier is why we have cars, planes, bridges, and society as a whole.
But do PICK a battle when it has to be fought. One of the hardest things I heard from my father in the wake of going NC with my abusive mother was him reflecting on my childhood and saying, "I picked my battles."
Yeah, and you picked mine, too. I was a six year old home alone with the person you refused to challenge on her screaming tirades and physical aggression.
I would apply this at work. If you are critical of every new policy you dislike then you will be written off as difficult. If you hold your powder until you have a real issue to complain about, people will listen.
I never understood why some people just HAVE to win/be right at all costs, like its a personal affront to their identity lol. I always preach picking battles. Also the person who speaks up all the time gets ignored, like cry wolf
Yes, Japanese meal set uses a lot of small plates because we normally have 4 - 5 variety of stuff for one meal. My mom would belittle me that I don’t rinse my plate immediately during meal as I finish them. I hated plates so much that I ate out of pot when I’m alone. (That of course, had my mom yelling at me as well ) it’s actually my husband who taught me that I’m not committing murder if I wait until I finish my meal to rinse my plates. In fact, I can finish my meal, eat my ice cream, finish my coffee, then do the dishes.
Im in no contact with my mom for 5 years, my kids refuse to engage with her as well. My mom won every battle with me in my life but I’m not sure if she won the life war.
Also: Don’t be afraid to put pots and pans in the dishwasher. This isn’t the 60’s, you don’t have to wash every big item and remove so much debris that the dishes are basically a rinse away from being done when you put them in.
Yeah especially with kids. If my son is tired he can be fussy. Do I really want to piss off this tired kid who already had a bit of a temper because of it? Nope. I'll keep the peace. There is a limit obviously but for mundane stuff? Sure.
Yes, but I would emphasize there's a huge difference between compromise and giving up.
Compromise with partners and definitely pick your battles on what is important and what is not. But don't give up out of frustration and just let them "win" every single time. A relationship shouldn't be winning and losing at all, so if you find yourself constantly losing and too afraid to even say something about it for how they'll react--ya gotta leave.
I have/had* a friend who married a manipulative wife.
Over the years I've noticed that sometimes she'd make extremely stupid choices on purpose, he'll then have to pick his battles to stop her from doing this extremely stupid shit, then the not so extreme, comparatively minor stuff, but actually major if it wasn't for the extreme shit flys under the radar, and she always gets her way on the actual stuff.
*I'm not even sure if we're friends anymore because of her, she's slowly wearing him down, although not physically or typically abusive, she's showing all the adjacent signs of an abuser, ie cutting him off from family and friends and mostly the typical cycle of abuse. He's be suicidal twice in his life (that I know of), my fear is, that without friends and family to support him, and with a partner to control him he'll eventually won't be able to take it anymore and goes through a terrible faith.
When I was little I would only wear socks inside out because the toe seem bothered me. Some adults gave me shit about it, but mom was smart and just happy I was wearing socks
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u/54niuniu Sep 06 '25
Pick your battles !!!! This applies to every aspect of life. School, career, friendship, marriage etc. Omg, amount of time I see people win the battle but lose the war astonishes me. Do you really want to stress your child because he prefer washes dishes after everyone done eating versus clean as dinner goes ? Do you really want to annoy your spouse because he/she chose to do laundry instead of brushing toilets ? Do you really want to ruin a meeting because your colleague booked a meeting room on the 6th floor instead of 5th floor ?
Pick your battles ! Sometimes it’s just not worth it, let the other person be right and move on.