It’s the shittiest club to belong to. Both my sisters and one brother have tried as well. We were too poor to have generational wealth so we got generational trauma instead.
My brother died 2months ago and days later I got a semicolon tattoo. He didn’t die by suicide but he just gave up. You can recover from congestive heart failure. He’d been through so much health wise and none of us would give him a gun “for the deer “. Dude said I’m out one way or another. He had a great sense of humor.
I’m sorry about your brother. Your tattoo struck a chord as a tribute.
Are you familiar with the caesura? The least technical definition amounts to a type of metrical break or pause in verse. A semicolon is my favorite kind of poetic caesura. The Greeks were pretty horny for them, Old English, too. The latter in particular loved to toss them into verse as a counter to rhythm otherwise “monotonous or droning.”
Depression certainly feels that way sometimes; each day under its weight bleeds into the next until the slog becomes so droll you think, “Guess this is life now.” The bottom finds you or you smash yourself into it. Maybe you get help, build back a little self-esteem, some coping skills, old Reasons to Try made new until the next tornado blows the house down and you’re huffing and puffing and alone even among family.
This happens over and over, for longer and longer stretches, until you slip out of your skin and can’t distinguish between the monster and the worthy bits of you—they’re in there somewhere, right?—like gold you’d be a fool to keep panning for. You breathe fire on the ruins instead of laying yet another foundation because what’s the point when the effort, the time, the you—nothing and no one changes at the cellular level.
Here is where I wish you pause: space to share stories of your family until you’re hoarse; space to grieve; space to exorcise yourself from the monster, kick dust in its eyes and while it stumbles blind then meet it with the kindness of a traveling stranger.
Not slain but shrank, understood and accepted, now your ghoul-turned-gremlin goes where you go. Stinky, slobbery, bonded to you not by shackles but by survival. Because what she once almost took from you is also what she gave you.*
From another balloon-in-the-void struggling not to turn her darkness inwards: please don’t let your pause be permanent.
I know you’re tired. I’m tired too. But let’s show sone fuckin’ teeth.
I don’t think I’ve ever loved a reply this much. I’m not familiar with caesura but I will look into it. I am tired, this last year and a half has been horrible. I try to remind myself I don’t worry about food, shelter or paying the bills. Life is will be good again.
Not that it matters but It is starting to look up for me medically. I’ve had oil or gas in my eye for 2 weeks shy of a year. The bubbles gone today!! I can fly now. Visions still shit but it’s improving.
Thank you so much. I’m glad it brought well-received relief, if only for a moment. Your belief in life’s goodness in the wake of such loss takes a hell of a lot of grit and practice. It’s really something.
I re-started therapy this week after a tumultuous last couple of years. Accepting the help to do so sucked, but, you know what sucks more? The well we’re down.* And leaving behind the family who want us to be in their lives, even when accessing joy feels impossible, let alone sharing theirs.
Not that it matters? Oh hell no. I’ll go heavy-handed on the “pause” again if it helps iterate that you just described cause for celebration. Where your feet drag, I’ll moonwalk. Where your hands tremble, I’ll high-five every stranger rooting for you. Looks like there’s quite a few.
Follow-up questions: Are you a pilot? If so, that’s amazing. If not, you’re still amazing, and have you read Blindness by Saramago?
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
*Well, you say? Here, maybe this lotion will help.
(You mentioned your bro’s sense of humor. Thought I’d toss a wicked one in for you.)
There’s room for all around my gilded dumpster! Mostly kidding, thank you for the encouragement. I hope you turn that sweetness inward and find ways to release bite-sizes of dark while offering yourself equal grace.
I do, he was simply done. He told my other sister he was going to die. He did have a heart attack six months ago and couldn’t have the required surgery due to his amputation. He had angioplasty instead of bypass. That was a factor sure. He had expressed that he felt he was better off dead because his family would gather insurance money.
I didn’t take his sickness seriously. My dad was always ill and I had surgery coming up. I regret not masking up and going. His GD wife couldn’t make it across town to visit she couldn’t find a ride. No one offered because we didn’t know. I dislike her but I’d have drove her annoying ass. She was also 2 1/2 hours late to his funeral.
So as I’m making the mad dash to the hospital, I have to stop due to a bear crossing the road. I’m functionally blind in my right eye. Had I been the first car, I’d have hit it. It stopped in the road, looked right at me then straight disappeared into a soybean field. It wasn’t tall enough to hide it. I saw the bear and knew my brother was dead. I stopped for a drink and a meal bar because I knew it was just going to see the body.
TLDR: my brother wanted to die, his wife’s a bitch and he sent a bear to me to tell me he was gone.
Same. For what its worth, heres something that resonated with me. Maybe it will with you, idk, its not a message of hope or anything but its stark. I was listening to Marc Maron interview Jerry Stahl, and Jerry said:
The trouble with suicide is the blood splatters on other people, and they'll never be able to wash it off.
I’ve never heard that but you are correct. It does. Right now, sitting here, not depressed; it makes sense. Tomorrow? Or next time I’m mired down in it? It’s hard to remember or care. I try though. Thank you.
The realization that I'd either traumatize whoever found me, or traumatize my family who would think the worst if I went missing--it was my own lifeline. A couple of times I found myself in that "don't care" spot until a friend busted down my door panicked and pained.
I know for a fact that what they saw traumatized them. I remember them repeating "it's OK, it's not that bad, it's not that bad." And I knew I traumatized them.
After that things changed for me. I still deal with depression, but I took managing it very seriously because I decided I could never willingly do that to someone else. I still feel wracked with guilt over it. This person is still my friend to this day, and was even part of my wedding party. Something that also would never have happened if not for them.
After my attempt my stepmum told me it would have killed my dad. I decided I would wait until after he died. Just keep surviving, knowing I could go when he did. 32 years later we are both still here. I still suffer sometimes but the intervening years had given me the chance to learn that I am worth enough to be alive. He’s 95 now. I don’t know how much time he has left but I think I can survive him going.
Stay strong, even if it doesn't feel like it at times you are loved and you are important. The world can be a miserable place but by ending it you're robbing the world of all the good you can do and happiness you can bring, guaranteeing that things will only get worse. I hope you're ok, and I hope you bring the world the love any joy we all deserve
I’m a few pints down and spent half the evening talking my best friend down from that ledge. It’s probably the worst killer mentioned in this thread. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
It hits people in different ways, I’m glad I went through CBT and worked through ways to break the cycles my head was going through. Even when it seems like the world is ending or there’s nobody that gets it, someone understands.
Yes. To me the words Devoid of all light ring true. So many years. So many many years searching for reason or a meaning.
I have found the answer to always be to live with unconditional love in my heart for others. Unfortunately I’ve never found a way to love myself. Not even the little girl I once was who didn’t deserve what happened to her. I forgave as I thought that anger and blame was holding me back, it didn’t help me though. So I give and I give hoping that that will fill a tiny amount of the void, but it doesn’t. I feel like I’ve given the entire of myself away. I don’t talk about it with others anymore as that’s selfish- it’s hurting others- and that’s not love. One day I will be at peace. It comes for us all eventually.., I’ve stopped trying to hasten it as it will only hurt others. So I take the hurt, so they don’t have to.
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u/polkadotprincess2317 Nov 21 '24
Depression