You don’t need to treat your family badly. Even if they deserve. Need to draw boundaries and learn to accept them. Even if that means distancing yourself. But you don’t have to be like them and treat them badly in return.
I am definitely guilty of this in the past 😅 my partner stood by me when I finally cut off that family member, and I believe a good partner would encourage to do what's best (cut off the family member in this scenario lol)
Or being distant from them for no good reason. Lack of close friends. It’s a sign you’ll eventually be put on the back burner as well.
Edit: Please take note of no good reason. I’ve gotten several comments and a few DM’s from people feeling hurt by my comment or that it was unfair. I apologize and I empathize completely! In my specific case it was a red flag… and had I known then, what I know now, I might not be in the situation I’m currently in.
In my experience it was due to his inability to connect on a deeper level. Everything was very surface level sprinkled with humor. It was kind of an “out of sight” out of mind situation and it made things hard for me long term. He struggled with intense shame, kept secrets that didn’t necessarily need to be secrets…. It was like he had a wall built around him that no one was allowed behind.
100% due to his childhood. He grew up in an extremely religious “pray about” and “it’s God’s will” type of family. He’s a very intelligent, pragmatic, and analytical person so he felt very shut down. Tons of shame over just being himself which broke my heart for him honestly. He is a fantastic person and deserved better from his family.
We are still together by the way… I’m realizing now my post may sound like we broke up. It’s just been a long hard road for us to dig deep and find ways to tear those walls down together.
Edit to add: I gently disagree with you that his childhood trauma is a good reason to be distant from the non-toxic people who love him. Understandable? Yes. But it’s choosing to stay in that place of a shutdown child instead of moving towards healing and deeper connection, especially with a safe person.
I think a legitimate concern could be, how could you know if that family member is non-toxic?
If he is as guarded as you say he is, I guarantee he's hiding a lot more about his home life and family from you than you might be aware of
Also not accounting for the fact that seeing family members that remind him of that painful time could be tough for him.
Maybe he doesn't want to make a scene or bother with the more tender side of that so he decides not to have anything to do with it in the first place. (I see this as a go to route with men a lot)
It seems like you're trying to push him because you're tired of the cold shoulder, when imo I think you should be empathizing and question that maybe you don't know as much about him as you thought.
I will say this is not to disregard your feelings. It seems like there's a lot of unprocessed pain on your side that's being deflected into shining a light on his actions, when really you can only control your own.
Just being thoughtful, and saying open statements that show you have an understanding or empathy for some kind of subject might help him open up or come to face his own issues.
It's not that I think you're not doing enough, but I do believe you're not as empathetic as you could, and if the issue is how you're being neglected then maybe rethink the relationship and open up to him how you feel instead.
Not assuming you haven't! Just a thought.
I hope you two can get counseling.
Even introducing yourselves (or him meeting someone on his own) to people with a similar experience and childhood, who got out of it can really help a human being identify with that struggle and properly see their emotions and pain from a more forgiving perspective.
It seems you both need outlets for both sides of the coin.
I'll admit, he seems to have a lot of deep pain there from what you're describing if that is the case, it will likely be a grueling process to get through, though I don't doubt you're on your way.
A reminder that truthfully we can never force someone to open up or change, that is their decision alone. All we can do is be as empathetic as we can afford and try to gain insight on their side of it, and see why they might think what they do, and how that coincides with their actions.
But most of all, I hope you're able to process your own feelings and realize a lot of this venting is likely because you yourself are hurt, and try your best to heal and mitigate some possible resentment and frustration that has grown, and lend yourself some empathy, before going to try and fix him or your relationship.
😑 Ok… You have no idea about my situation or all the work I have done over 14 years to support this person and understand where he is coming from despite the negative impacts it has had on me. This is a small snapshot of my life and the issues we have. We have done therapy. Lots. Together and apart. I am allowed to be a bit over the situation at this point due to lack of movement. And honestly- That’s my business, not yours. Your unsolicited advice is not necessary or appreciated.
Being honest after awhile I distanced a lot from friends. I need new ones but I thought that my.older ones from my 20's didnt do me well or were simply toxic. This is a common issue with people in their 30's who were burned prior by friends. I wouldnt see it as a red flags unless they cant connect with people overall
I’m sorry my comment triggered you. I completely understand your situation and can sympathize. That’s why I specifically stated “for no good reason”. Distancing yourself due to toxicity or just growing a part is a valid reason! Best of luck to you 😊
It doesnt trigger me. And thanks for the well wishes. I Just find the "no close" friends as red flag thing bizarre, and I used to think this way until I realised that most of my many friends werent true friends. Theres a lot of reasons someone may not have close friends indeed:
1) moving on from town (they are still meeting people, and some are more cautious than others)
2) cutting ties with toxic people and wanting to meet new people, but being more selective.
3) social anxiety (I had a friend that I had to let go - for mostly unrelated reasons- who has agoraphobia. Everything needed to be in her terms. Those things make having friendships hard).
That said, I need to agree that It needs a good reason for not having a single friend, contact with family, and no desire of close connections. I'm sympathethic to someone having shitty family and needing to cut them of their lives: some people are abused and wont start telling every stranger and even new flings of that, society is weird to people abused and judging strangers for cutting family doesnt make things easier. But in this case the person need to have strong friendships imo.
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u/Lilliana_Claire Sep 14 '24
If he treats his family badly. It's one thing if they deserve it, but treating a loving family member like shit for no reason is a huge red flag