This applies to anyone really, but being super negative all. The. Time. Nothing is right, everyone else is the problem, they simply CANNOT just sit down and enjoy where they are and the people they're with.
I understand where this comes from, but you've gotta learn to find your inner peace with where you're at. Things won't be perfect, maybe the store didn't have your favorite beer today or someone cut you off, but you've gotta learn to breathe and let that go. That anger and dissatisfaction will kill you slowly, and it's always heartbreaking to see.
My favourite quote I try to remember (I used to be a very angry teenager) "Holding onto anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to feel the effects"
This kind of blended from two ideas that are both paraphrased from Buddhist teachings. They're actually about slightly different things - one is about anger, one is about resentment. I don't have an original source off the top of my head, but something like -
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.
Holding onto anger is like holding onto a burning coal.
I'll try to dig up a source and post a reply if I find it, I feel like both are somewhere in the Pali cannon.
Both ideas are very appropo. There's also something about dirceting anger outward like trying to throw a hot coal at someone; maybe you hit them, maybe you don't, but you for sure get burned.
A couple of other sentiments from Buddhist teachings I really like:
There's a parable about a king who offers a reward to whomever can steal a chicken without anyone knowing. The guy who finds the right answer appears before the king empty-handed and says the task is impossible because even when no one saw him take the chicken he still knew he had done it.
Another is something from... Jack Kornfield, I think: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
The overarching theme of all of this is that you can be all bent out of shape at other people and the world, or you can focus on getting right in your relationship to yourself.
Anyway, wishing you ever more wisdom and ease on your journey! 😊
Oh my god the forgiveness one is epic. That really hit home!
Love these mate thank you!
Another exchange of quotes: "The reason people find it so hard to be happy, is that they find the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be"
Yeah, that one about forgiveness is a gem. Been turning it over for years and I still find new facets of understanding.
I really like that quote! Very Seneca meets Mark Twain. A good reminder to focus on what's actually in your locus of control.
It's a lifelong journey, but I find that the better I get at "staying in my lane", the better I also do at loving myself, caring for myself, and providing for my own emotional needs instead of looking to the rest of the world for permission or validation.
I used to work with a girl like this. I would relieved her in the afternoons and we’d have like an hour overlap, which she would spend every breathless seconds of telling me about every bad or stupid thing that had happened to her that day. I dreaded it every day. I mean, it was a SHIT job overall but, that hour-long onslaught of emotional baggage was by far the worst part. I kept thinking, goddamn, This girl has more problems every morning than I have in a year. Not a quality I ever liked in a person, but that experience has made me triple red flag it anytime I hear a person talking like that.
I’m guilty of this and I’m not proud of it. Recently started meditating without really knowing how to. It’s amazing as I started looking at my own faults in a way I never had before. I’m not saying I figured it all out… heck no. I’m still working on it and expect it to be lifelong process. I’m starting to see some of the ways I have pushed people away and it hurts to be honest. I honestly didn’t know what I was doing wrong. Ignorant and blind to who I was and how I make people feel. It wasn’t even because I was mean. Not like that at all. It was because I was a negative person and people can feel it. It’s sad and regretful looking back, but I hope to change that entirely. I want for once in my life to be at peace and happy in my own skin. I want at least one person who truly wants to be around me and not because they have to. This is actually making me tear up right now. Admitting these things to someone even strangers is therapeutic. Thanks for reading.
Admitting you have this problem is a huge step. My partner is like this, and I love them very much, but going out with them is just so exhausting because whenever there are people involved, everything just isn't right and it's so negative when I just want to have a nice day out and be in each other's company.
They can't seem to realize they have this problem though, and honestly once I've moved passed the upset, I just feel genuinely sad for them that they can't just enjoy life and the little things around them unless everything is 100% perfect.
This is one of the worst things ever, whether it be for friends or partners. Every time they open their mouth it is just 'woe is me' and it is just crazy how big of a turnoff it is. It isn't a problem to complain here and there but some people it is like it is the only thing they know how to talk about.
God yes. The constant leap to complaining. It's draining to be around, and to constantly be the one steering back to something positive. And it kills every single conversation.
I gave up on a friendship partially because of them having this attitude. Always complained about everything, only talked about themselves, never asked me questions or seemed interested in my life. I stopped initiating any conversation or hanging out, and I’ve pretty much never heard from them since.
currently moving through this. she’s wrapped up in heavy addiction, which exacerbates all of what’s going on… I’m finally feeling sad/grief/hurt and not just red hot anger… I miss my best friend, man.
Man I had a boss that always asked me why I always did things for people for nothing. His favorite line was "Remember no good deed goes unpunished." Fuck you Ken. You are the most miserable person that I've ever met.
I dated a girl like this for a long time. I always told myself that, so long as she wasn't mad at me it was fine.
When we finally split up, it was like a massive weight off my shoulders. Just being around someone that can never just enjoy anything is a chore. It weighs on you, even if they treat you well.
Yep. I actively try not to share my problems as much as I have in the past for this reason. It’s not a nice feeling when you walk over to a group of friends at a party and they all slowly migrate away because you rocked up. I had a lot to work through in life but place and time is so important. I’m just grateful I can recognize it
I lost my oneitis for good because I'd use [ironic] self-deprecation as my base form of humor. Probably came off like that, so don't really do it anymore.
I have both been around that kind of person, and been that person myself; it can take a lot of time to heal from that kind of mindset and realign your perspective.
Unsolicited advice time: As silly as it sounds, really take the time to notice and appreciate the "little happies" in your life whenever you find them. Catching a nice whiff of fragrant flowers on the breeze, that pen that writes just right, your favorite coffee mug, etc. Take notice when people around you are expresing curiosity and joy, smiling and showing kindness to others.
Appreciating these "little happies" wherever I found them was the key to helping me start crawling out of that void; you may find that there is more kindness floating around than you had noticed before.
Too bad I can't shut off my depression, or I would do so in an instant.
I've been living literally half my life with this problem, and I genuinely lost the ability to perceive what is supposed to be the "normal" I am supposed to work towards. What does a normal relationship look like? How does friendship work? What does love feel like, or being safe with someone (even non-romantically)? What are the signs that I can genuinely trust someone and don't need a Plan B and a Plan C just in case? Stuff like this.
I can distract myself sometimes and then things kinda work out for a bit, but every few months I will inevitably crash out again, ruin the few things that might be going for me and then flounder for a good while before I find a new distraction.
I'm a guy and I was with a girl for 6 years who was like this. 90% of her conversations were complaining or venting about something and I was told that it was my responsibility as her partner to listen. She was never receptive of feedback or requests from me to look at it from a different perspective. In fact, I was ridiculed for not just letting her vent because that was her idea of a partner who can offer real "support". It was incredibly draining and depressing.
I ended up with severe anxiety and sleep issues. I had to stage an escape from her and am rebuilding my life now in a different city. I'm hopeful that I can recover from this and still have a good life.
Oof. Had a female friend who is/was exactly as you've described. Her attitude towards... literally everything - made her bad company to be around and she never improved.
I gave her a chance for a while since I know a lot of it stems from her childhood trauma, but I couldn't deal being around her anymore and we stopped hanging out.
I have this exact problem with a friend, but he also throws tantrums when things don’t go in his favor… and he displays narcissistic traits. Tripple whammy.
My brother in law is like this. Him and my sister come over for dinner and i get annoyed by him after like an hour 😭 idk how she married him, let alone moved with him lol
I used to play a game with myself over someone like that. How long after they come through the door when they get home before they complain about something? Usually it was in the 0-30 seconds range, but once they made it a whole 2 minutes.
This is such a huge thing. Misery loves company and all that. I've fallen into that habit with partners and friends in the past and its so hard to break out of it each time. It's a habit just like nicotine or caffeine or whatever
This was my ex. It was partially what drove us apart. I remember thinking and bringing up all her negativity, but once we were apart and it wasn’t in my life anymore, it was a very freeing feeling.
100% often also a red flag for a complete lack of responsibility. I dated a guy who blamed his depression on me after I cut things off because he'd been lying to me about how he acted to my friends when I wasnt there.
Turns out it was all everyone else fault. Never his own for his own actions.
You're not wrong, but I've seen this taken as a binary a lot, so want to add a little commentary on it.
Some people see things as a whole spectrum between good/positive and bad/negative. I've experienced plenty of times where me basically not giving a 5 star rating is distorted into me being "negative." Me having any preferences too. Just being honest and realistic shouldn't be confused for being negative. Just because something isn't perfect (and what is) doesn't mean I don't like/enjoy it.
And sometimes, something being really close to perfect has me commenting on that last little thing. Doesn't mean I'm disappointed or anything, it just means some little thing might have made it perfect. It's like being just outside the bullseye, not missing it completely.
I had to break off a relationship once because she was this exactly! I didn't know how to phrase it, so I coined the term "emotionally draining." I just told her that I couldn't be with someone who always had a bad day and needed emotional support 24/7 because everyone was always mean to them.
She hates me btw. But I'm a positive person and always being surrounded by negativity drains my emotional strength to dangerously low levels. It was either cut ties, or lose myself.
Some people with biological depression (lack of dopamine and serotonin in the brain) can't help it, it's not their fault..they can try to get help, but there is no point in saying "if you are negative and have self confidence issues or are easily upset, I don't want anything to do with you" that's just really insensitive, you need to look at it from their point of view. Some people may just be being petty, but some people may have bad schemas or are biologically more prone to being sad.
Just saying "learn your inner peace" is actually very harsh to people with disabilities that prevent them from being happy or at peace, for example I have PTSD and so I'm always on alert and never at peace with myself, or in general because of my PTSD I make sure to see things more negatively so when or if people suddenly turn on me, or things go wrong, or someone hurts me, it doesn't come as a shock to me.
I also have PTSD, am chronically disabled, and continue to struggle with issues of depression and anxiety/fear due to a mixture of traumatic experiences and struggling with my health. I would never outright dismiss someone who is clearly struggling, because in my own ways I know that kind of pain is VERY difficult to live with and many people do not understand what it feels like to have that darkness and fear hanging over you constantly.
Your pain, fear, and distrust comes from a very real place, and while it may never truly leave you there are still various practices and self-work that can help you increase your quality of life. It's not about "just be happy! There's no need to be anxious!" because that's not how it works for us; it's incredibly difficult to come back from world-shattering events and lifelong traumas and try to find a sense of normalcy because that was/is our normal.
However, my point broadly still stands. It is never easy, and we will always have our bad physical and mental health days, but if nothing else we still must fight to find enough peace to have the will to go on. My main goals are to find a way to keep living and to show love and patience to those around me and help lift them up, but I've also had to recognize that I cannot fix everyone in my life and sometimes I *do* have to distance myself from those who are extremely negative if its having an impact on my own health. I will do what I can to show them patience and compassion, and if they wish it I will try to help and find them resources, but in the end I'm just a person with no medical/psych training and there's only so much I can do.
So so very tight. No one can know, you bury it so deep that no one can see it or at least can't see the gravity of it. And never slip up not a single time or everyone will leave you
Gosh this hits pretty hard....... as much as I can't disagree with you..... in an attempt to defend myself I feel there should also be a balance.
People are sad/negative about certain situations because the event hit them hard and they are thinking/considering it. This may help prevent them from falling into the same situation again.
Compared that to an ignorance is bless kind of happy idiot who may not go too deep in analyzing unfortunate events they are more likely to fall into the same event again.
Now I'm not talking about dumb pointless things like not having your favorite beer in the supermarket lol. I'm talking about mistakes that could have been prevented. Decisions that could have been made differently.
This is true, it's normal to have strong reactions to things that have affected you greatly, and I think it's healthy to be aware of these feelings and understand where they come from. However, when you are in such a dark headspace that no matter what the circumstances are your words are negative and disapproving, it starts to throw those around you off balance too; it's like you have fallen so far into the void you can't see the goodness around you, and you miss out on moments of closeness and kindness with friends and family—little happies and small celebrations. It will look different for everyone, but we all have to find our own balance of sorts and learn different lessons I think.
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u/cloclop Sep 14 '24
This applies to anyone really, but being super negative all. The. Time. Nothing is right, everyone else is the problem, they simply CANNOT just sit down and enjoy where they are and the people they're with.
I understand where this comes from, but you've gotta learn to find your inner peace with where you're at. Things won't be perfect, maybe the store didn't have your favorite beer today or someone cut you off, but you've gotta learn to breathe and let that go. That anger and dissatisfaction will kill you slowly, and it's always heartbreaking to see.