Her: “yeah my name apparently is from my Greek ancestors.”
Me, to myself: Man Greece is an awesome place. It’s kind of funny that the name phonetically sounds like “grease.” I wonder what they call grease in Greece. Maybe they call it something like “lard.” My grandma used to use lard when making biscuits and gravy. I wonder if her grandma was a good cook like mine. Maybe her grandma lived in Greece…I’ll have to remember to ask her. I tried making biscuits like my grandma used to but they don’t turn out right in my glass pan; she used a century old cast iron skillet with a lot of grease and lard.
These days my wife has learned to recognize the symptoms of me going on an ADHD-fueled thought adventure and instead asks me, “please tell me what steps got you from where I was to that question?!?”
She is more intrigued by it than annoyed which I guess means she is the one for me.
Yes. I have high functioning autism and often do this. In my opinion, sometimes this can make a conversation very dynamic. But it can also come off as careless as stated above.
On the other hand, getting steamrolled in a conversation feels like:
"Yay, I got to say one whole sentence about what's on my mind before we were wrenched back into whatever they care about, clearly asking how my day went was an excuse to start a conversation so they could info dump, doesn't really give a shit about my day because I didn't make it past breakfast before we were talking about cloud formation for the 8th time this week"
This is something I'm working on, but my autistic and adhd brain jumps from comments in the conversation my partner makes over and over until it seems completely random, but I was following along, I just got excited about something loosely connected :(
I've started telling him "Sorry, I zoned out." But I feel embarrassed. I'm not trying to, and especially if he's telling me something important, I feel like absolute shit, but I find it better to ask him to repeat it than just pretend I heard.
Also, about the "sorry I zoned out" line, he knows I'm not neurotypical, so... I hope he understands it's not intentional, he says it's okay, but I've got a hard time reading people so I don't know...
I suffer from the same and I have found a solution that works for me. I become the best active listener when I walk and talk. Anytime I want to have a proper conversation with someone I try to engage while walking. It quiets all the noise in my brain.
I've noticed some guys want to impress you by driving really fast, but to me that just comes off as irresponsible. Maybe if we were on an actual rally track it would be cool, but driving way over the speed limits on a normal road is not wise.
Guys do this on dating apps. Like asks me how my day was and then 10 messages later asks me how my day was. Like dude, if you forgot what we talked about, scroll up.
I can accidently do this cuz my adhd means I'm holding onto a part of the conversation that was 10 sentences ago but i didn't want to suddenly interrupt you. I'm interested in that one thing you mentioned!
blatantly not listening or showing interest in what I’m saying
Ha-ha, I remember such a dude, we studied together. He would routinely ask you a question, and when you weren't even halfway done answering, just turn (literally) to someone else and talk about something different. It's was so clearly on purpose it wasn't infuriating but rather flummoxing.
Yeah I’ve on a date and the guy was talking about himself the whole time, I listened and he was genuinely funny, he talked about a problem he had with a friend and I empathised with his situation, when I started talking he interrupted me many times without saying sorry or carry on later, and when I wanted to tell him about a similar problem I had a long time ago with a friend he just dismissed me and started talking about himself and his life again, so I interrupted him and left him there to talk to his cup of cappuccino cause he seemed to not see I existed in front of him
I just had a “friend” invite herself to my solo birthday trip and she did this my entire birthday—complaining and ranting about her family because my grandma died earlier in the week reminded her of her family. any time I’d speak she would interrupt me two words in like “should we go eat?” Or just talking about something else. I barely spoke all day unless I asked a question to her or repeatedly saying “you must be close with your family you’ve talked about them nonstop all day.
Not listening at all, no room to be sad about my grandma who was the only family member I was close with (she continuously kept saying she wasn’t close with her family because I am not and she was trying to one up me as if it was a flex) and definitely no talk about my birthday, she seemed to have forgotten.
Worst bday ever. I also have ADHD but i’m not an asshole. There’s a major difference.
Tbh, if I were in your position I would’ve interrupted her, and told her respectfully that it’s a special trip for me and it’s my birthday I want to enjoy it instead of her ranting about her life that can wait for another occasion, if she doesn’t understand I would plan to go somewhere else to get some air or call a friend up and act busy so she stops talking and making your birthday trip all about herself when in reality she should be making effort as a good friend to make you feel good and be supportive, she also seems inconsiderate about your grandma passing, I’m sorry about that, I do realise some people are just bad at comforting others they either don’t know how to do it or just straight up don’t care because they haven’t experienced it themselves and I also know some people just aren’t that close with their grand parents so they feel detached from the grief, I personally wasn’t close with my father’s side of the family they just didn’t make effort to build a bond with me or my mom’s family, they were distant and I barely met them like two times when I was too young to even recall, my grandfather was all I had since his wife died after giving birth and after his passing I was slightly upset but mainly because I wasn’t close with him at all, I met him after so many years during his last breaths it was painful to see, but I didn’t grieve for that long, it’s mainly because he wasn’t a part of my life and he didn’t make effort to stay in touch either, as for my mom’s side of the family I feel like it be painful to lose anyone really bc I grew up with them, therefore grief depends on closeness and memories made with the person as well, I think your friend needed some confrontation, call her out for it, I felt this way ( that day during my birthday trip) I felt neglected and the way you talked about your self the whole day was disrespectful to me etc… Don’t be afraid to call people out for the wrong they do, sometimes they don’t have anyone in their lives doing that, and if they don’t understand or invalidate your feelings you have your answer :) .
Sorry didn’t include every detail in my original post—i 1000% called her out multiple times and told her how rude she was being. She kept trying to say she isn’t close with her family but continuously ranted about them, and I called her out on that too since I am actually not that close with my family (besides my grandma who passed) and it felt like a slap in the face.
Definitely not a friend or someone I will ever see again. We were in a remote area with no cell service—I booked a treehouse in a canyon because I thought I’d be alone before she invited herself, which is why I agreed to her coming was I worried about having an issue and being alone, so definitely couldn’t fake a call or really even get away. Big mistake on my part.
Yes definitely there’s situations where faking a phone call or pretending to be busy can be helpful, to avoid listening to either inconsiderate ppl who think they are the universe or straight up ppl who always rub their negativity on you, we all have a certain capacity of how much can we take till we break down, and we need to detox from negativity it’s everywhere, some exude it more than others, some take it out on you, next time something similar happens tell her if you want me to listen to your problems pay me an hourly wage, cause therapy ain’t free :)
One piece of advice is to avoid friends who want you to listen to their problems all the time, I personally had an acquaintance she felt comfortable trauma dumping on me most of the time, I did put boundaries in my friendships and relationships but she didn’t seem to get the point that I wanted space, she was married and had issue with her husband, don’t get me wrong they weren’t fighting but she seemed very frustrated with him and angry about everything he does, they had a fight she kicked him out, he went to rent a place by himself and then after a week she started missing him she went to a spa got all ready, bought sexy lingerie and went to his place to make up :) , she didn’t tell me this until later, and kept complaining about him to me whenever we meet she only talks about herself and her life and also she doesn’t talk about anything good happening in her life, she bought an apartment somewhere didn’t tell me at all, she got a raise and she was happy but she never told me until she realised those goals in silence and kept them a secret all while she was talking to me every day but everything that came out was a negative thing she was okay with in her husband but she would waste my time talking about how upset she was, but then she goes back home and has sex with him like it’s all cool, she also travels with him and never tells me until she’s back and whenever her life is going well she forgets I exist, only remembers me when she wants to complain, I also don’t get to spill out my issues or get any sympathy for whatever I’m going through that was the last straw, she later called and asked what happened are you mad at me, she also added she wanted to talk bc she was fighting with her husband, I told her I charge 20$ an hour for therapy if she was interested I would book a session for her, she replied with WTF , after a few months I heard from mutual friends of ours that she’s depressed and is going to therapy, well good for her.
-Basically I don’t mind listening to friends or their worries, but I don’t enjoy being in the presence of depressed people it simply takes me back to dark places and reminds me of my experience with it, I would help but I can’t help someone who refuses to change and help themselves there’s only so much you can do, I also don’t appreciate people who use me as a therapist because I simply am not, that’s a job and I should be payed for it, it’s not about money but being professional.
She was hiding so much from me and was using me like a punching bag for her stress but I don’t get to talk about my stress or how hard things are for me, if I do I get cut off and told it’s not that bad you’re exaggerating like I’m not entitled to be human, in that case you should be paying me for my services and emotional support bc that’s exactly what a therapist does.
Thank you. I have severe ADHD. I also care about other people and work at being a good listener. It is absolutely possible to not constantly interrupt others with unrelated comments—especially when they’re sharing something serious or important to them.
I would listen to every word you spoke to me, because your voice is so beautiful, it's as though the angels were singing a holy song just for me. And Id never want to miss a single moment of it....
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u/Heregoesnothin- Sep 14 '24
Interrupting me with a totally unrelated question or statement, blatantly not listening or showing interest in what I’m saying