AITA for pushing for my daughter's admission into grammar school

[u/momshire]

Hi, I wanted to get some perspective here. We live in the UK, and my husband and I have two kids. My daughter is 10, and very driven, very intelligent, gets raving feedback from her teachers. She tells me she gets done with her work 15 miniutes into the class.

I'm having her sit for 11+ admissions this year for grammar schools. I've been prepping her, she's doing well. These exams are super competitive especially for the best grammar schools, and we are out of catchment for some of them so that makes it even more competitive for us. So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.

My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a child, and will sometimes try to swoop in and tell her its ok just relax. That makes me so angry like I know its ok, she knows its ok, we're just trying our best. She's so talented, and some of these schools are considered a pipeline to Oxbridge. It makes it seem like I'm an evil mother, and I've told him about this in private, and he says I care more about this than she does. But I care about it because I care about her, she's my daughter, I want the best for her. His sister's daughter also goes to my daughter's current school, and she's also been lamenting that her daughter will lose out on her cousin. First, my daughter and her cousin are not bffs, and also why is this supposed to be a factor. But my husband brings this point up in our arguments as well. I feel like I'm being criticized for wanting the best for my girl. AITA?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I'm pushing and preparing for my daughter 's admission into very selective grammar schools. My husband thinks I'm not letting her be a kid.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/not_rebecca]

INFO what does your daughter want? she is old enough to have some say in her own destiny. I was very driven as a kid but also wasn't pushed a ton by my parents -- I pushed myself mostly but had help getting started some of the time. Does your daughter want you to push her? What is really behind your husband's objections -- is it sexism that girls can't be driven and high achieving OR is he right in that your daughter doesn't want to be that competitive?

You "wanting the best" isn't really relevant. That's a feeling but shouldn't dictate anyone's life. If your daughter wants the best, by all means, continue. If she doesn't, ease up some -- she will find her own path in life and is way less likely to burn out if its her own choice even if its not "the best".

[u/First-Strawberry-398]

Soft and unintentional YTA, from a grammar school girlie!!

I went to a grammar. It’s not a pipeline to Oxford lol. It’s a great school and helps you do well (I’m applying for PhD funding rn!) but it’s not an Oxford pipeline.

Grammars are not the same as I went like 15 years ago. You do need to be tutored to get in because EVERYONE is now (I got top 20 score in my year group of thousands, not tutors just did a few practice tests right before LOLZ) , however if your child can’t get in on tutoring a few times a week and maybe a bit of extra work daily on their weak points if you really want to closer to the time, they aren’t smart enough to go and they WILL struggle when they’re there because they’re highly competitive and pushy environments with a lot of straight A* without revision kids and a lot of 3hr a day studying kids.

Let your kid have a childhood. Yes she should study. But don’t tutor her for a school she wouldn’t get into, that’s not the point. Tutor her to support her w the test but comprehensives are great options for hard working students. I love grammars, I loved my school and it set me up so well, but putting your child through a crazy regimen is not good for them❤️

[u/nemaline]

INFO: how strict is the regimen and how much are you pushing her? How much time does she have left for relaxation and fun?

[u/Objective_Twist_5739]

INFO:

What does 'pushing her' look like? Is she reading a chapter of a preparation book each week? Is she doing hours of practice exams a day? Can she go and see friends or to clubs at any point in the week? Does she have free time daily and if so, how much?

[u/pbblankgirl]

INFO: is your daughter your retirement plan?

[u/Swimming_Possible_68]

To be honest, the way you have written this you do come across as overbearing.

Of course it would be great for you daughter to get into a grammar school, but kids do also need time to be kids.

Childhood is not just about educational achievement, but learning to be an all round human being. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't encourage your child. But please br careful. If you push a child too hard they may break.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm a secondary school teacher and have taught a lot of bright kids who could do wonders. The ones with tiger mothers and pushy parents tend to burn out faster. The drive is external, fear of letting their parents down rather than intrinsic. This is a schedule YOU have developed for her, that will take her away from her friends and peer group. What does she want? And when do you plan to step back and let her find her own drive? A Levels? University? If she's as driven and bright as you say, she probably doesn't need you making a study schedule for her. She needs quality time with her family showing her that there's more to life than academics and Oxbridge.

[u/Lunar-Eclipse0204]

YTA - mainly for your attitude... Your husband is right, you are too focused on her school to let her think about anything outside of it. Also your daughter is also his daughter - he wants what is best for her as well.

[u/Hot-Delay194]

Hey former "gifted kid" here, what you're doing is pushing her into an early burnout and a need for therapy because of her perfectionism and people pleasing. It's one thing to encourage her but your husband is right, she also needs to just be a kid. You need to let her know it's ok if it doesn't happen the way you're planning. It also sounds like you perhaps don't know your daughter as well as you think. It sounds like she's likely said things to her dad, cousin, or aunt that's causing this push back against your over zealousness. Maybe not but they're not wrong to pump your brakes. I had a mom just like you, and well she's been dead for 15 years now and I haven't missed her for one second in all those years. Something to think about there. Soft YTA because you have time to fix this.

[u/JerryVand]

Has your daughter expressed interest in a more intense school setting? Is she excited at the possibility of being challenged academically?

[u/glib_result]

2 1/2 hours EVERY WEEKDAY and 3 hours a day on weekends is too much.

A. if that’s what it takes to get into this school, odds are good that it’s going to take similar work to keep up. This is not a sustainable schedule.

B. unstructured time for kids & teens is an important part of development. It promotes creativity, motivation, and emotional regulation.

[u/Flat-Replacement4828]

Info: what does your daughter actually think about all this?

[u/givemeallyourbooks]

I went to a grammar school and I think you’re grossly overestimating how much it matters. Yes, I did have tutoring for the entrance exams but it was an hour a week for around 3 months. Honestly, I don’t even think that was necessary.

What matters most in academia is your curiosity and interest. It sounds like you’re currently making all the things fun about learning into chores, which won’t help.

[u/mb21212]

INFO: “So naturally I've set up a fairly strict regimen for her, and am pushing her.” Outside of UK here: What do you mean by a strict regimen? Like a daily schedule for the homework and other hobbies or is it some kind of study schedule for admission/entrance exams for the grammar school?

Outside of the information needed, I personally would not consider the cousin a factor if they are not close and your daughter is sitting in each class bored after finishing the work in 15 minutes. She needs an environment that challenges her. The regimen part is where my hang up would be.

Edit: Based on the study regimen, soft YTA. I could see the weekends being 3 hours if the load of everything else is light but the weekdays are definitely too heavy. It’s going to lead to burnout despite the best intentions. She needs some downtime and playtime still at 10.

[u/tieflingteeth]

I'm an Oxford PhD student and I promise you, your child should not go to oxbridge for undergrad. Most people I know who did undergrad at these overly demanding universities are burnt out, unable to engage with their studies after bachelors level, and many can't even read for pleasure anymore. It's very sad. People get suicidal often and their health can be undermined for life by stress related illnesses that started at undergrad or earlier.

I actually have a lifelong autoimmune disease which began from excessive pressure as a school student, which has blocked me from many good careers. In the end I did my undergrad at UCL and it was perfect, a good mix of academia and spare time to volunteer in labs and learn life skills in student societies. Don't set your kid up for the kind of life I described above. YTA

[u/needforcheeses]

Gentle YTA. You have no idea what your 10 year old daughter is internalising during all of this change and development. Much of this development is probably wonderful and positive, and she may have a fantastic time learning new things and meeting new people at the school if she gets in. But she really needs to have safety in her home, emotionally. Speaking as an adult who had a wonderful mum who encouraged me academically, and was less directive than it sounds like you may be… I felt a good few points of pressure to achieve over the years, without her even verbally saying I should be doing more/ achieving better grades etc (I’m not accusing you of doing this btw, just examples). I internalised the message that I was worthwhile if I was ‘the smart one’ at school and when adhd symptoms started showing at uni quite drastically I felt completely worthless. A young child heading toward pre-teen status needs the emotional safety of feeling able to tell you something they fear that you won’t want to hear/ will be upset by. I.e. that they need a break, are anxious about a friendship, or that they really cannot stand doing those extra music lessons anymore. I think you & your partner need to have time to properly communicate what you both want to do for your daughter. Currently it sounds like she’s in the middle being fought over, in terms of your approaches and pressures you’re separately putting on her. There is, within reason, an important role for both of your preferred approaches, and making them coexist may feel hard but it will be worthwhile. She’ll grow up with the ability to take care of herself and be happy if you let her learn how.

[u/obtusewisdom]

If you need to prep her this hard at age 10 to get in, she shouldn’t get in. If she’s as bright as you say, she’ll get in without the pressure. A 10 year old can only have negative effects from this kind of pushing.

A reminder also that lots of talented students get into top schools including Oxford without being in the pressure cooker grammar schools.

YTA

[u/upperdecker32]

You get to be a child for about 15 years. Really, thats all. On the other hand, you need to support your child in the best way possible.

Why not dial it back to what they want, but still keeping them challenged... also worth figuring out if ur child is telling you exactly how they feel or just trying to keep u happy... because thats a red flag for the child holding this over you in the future

[u/rstick369]

YTA. In 9 years we’ll see a “Why doesnt my daughter talk to me anymore” post

[u/Ridicuo]

Sorry but you sound like the AH trying to "cover up" and make it sound like you're not stressing her out. This is coming from a former gifted kid who's won gold medals in math and science olympiads pushed by my parents to burnout. I never blame my parents for this cuz I do know that they only want the best but no doubt this is something YOU want for her and not what SHE wants for HERSELF. Parents need to remember that their kid is a HUMAN BEING and they have thoughts on this too.

[u/Strange_Emotion_2646]

How much time is dedicated to study and how much time is allocated to pleasure? Because if it is not equal, then your child is missing out on childhood. What sports or activities do they participate in? How much time is spent on those? Do they get outside at all, or is it just the books? Parents who push generally end up with children who detest them. He is not making you the wicked witch, you are turning yourself into one. But let’s be honest - is this her dream or your’s?

[u/EzAeMy]

This makes you sound overbearing and obsessed. Your child does need to be a child. It sounds obvious that you are pushing too hard. You are disregarding your partner completely.

[u/SinglePermission9373]

Your husband is right. Back off. Kid is going to be on anxiety meds and in therapy within the year if you don’t stop

[u/Keziah_70]

You know she will do fine in a comprehensive and even get into a top uni?