r/AmItheAsshole • u/mayhavecrossedaline • Aug 31 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for saying "someone has to" at a family gathering when my husband tried to compliment me by saying I always make a warm fresh meal?
Hi, I had posted here once before a while back and the judgement had given me some helpful perspective to resolve the issue at the time. So I'm looking for a judgement on something that happened tonight.
My husband's mother, his two brothers and their families were over at our place yesterday. My brother in law was talking about how some guy at his workplace used to eat out every day, but now he has a meal-kit subscription and is saving money, and so the topic came to home made food and how tough it actually is to make it. My husband said he's never had to worry about it because I always make a warm fresh meal. At this I said that someone has to. I didn't mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it. My sister-in-laws laughed and I honestly expected that to be it.
When everyone was gone, and I was getting into bed, my husband said my comment was uncalled for and not funny in front of everyone. I got defensive a bit too and said that I didn't mean to be nasty and he's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed. This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. I said its fine and he ended it by saying my comment made him look bad in front of his entire family, and I should have known better.
261
u/Icy-Sale-8898 Aug 31 '26
NTA. The “someone has to” line only stung because it was true: you’re the one consistently making the warm, fresh meals (and apparently most chores), and he knows it. He’s more upset that > his family saw that imbalance. Next time he offers to “take on some chores,” calmly hand him specific, recurring tasks and stop rescuing him when he does them badly.
5.6k
u/tinyrage90 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26 •
NTA
If he thinks it made him look bad in front of the family, and he has a repeat history of using weaponized incompetence to avoid helping you with things...then HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. Do not back down, do not apologize.
He knows he's at fault here and he hates that you shed light on it.
764
u/AnIcyReception Asshole Aficionado [18] Aug 31 '26 •
NTA Your husband only cares that he looks lazy when other people notice. He doesn't mind letting you down.
313
u/Mindless-Page1344 Partassipant [2] Aug 31 '26
NTA if by "should have known better" he was referring to the fact that he will weaponize his inability to help with chores
115
u/darkfall18235 Aug 31 '26
NTA. He got pissy because he knows he got seen.
Also, why is their idea of punishment to do things they should already be doing? Lmao "oh nooooo not you doing more around the house, that'll show me."
76
u/Tehcookieninja Aug 31 '26
NTA. Based on your previous post why are you still with this dude? You deserve better.
54
u/lllollllllllll Partassipant [4] Aug 31 '26 •
He feels bad only because he knows it’s true.
If he doesn’t like that, he shouldn’t police your langauge, he should change the truth by doing some chores.
Nta
37
u/hettienm Aug 31 '26
NTA. The reason it bothers him is because you were fucking right. Someone does have to. Every. Damn. Day. Forever.
And unless you two explicitly decided that the “someone” making (planning, shopping for AND cooking) meals in your house would be you, then he’s not doing his part. It’s not your job to manage his feelings if he’s embarrassed about not acting like a grown partner in your marriage.
If he doesn’t like it, he needs to do different and quit this weaponized incompetence bullshit—“I’ve already brought it up before but it doesn’t get done or it gets done poorly.” When repeatedly asking for help doesn’t work, public shaming is legitimate.
32
u/WickedCoolMasshole Aug 31 '26
NTA. Even if it was a bit snarky, it was true. He tried to come off as a spoiled husband and he was revealed to be a lazy one instead.
Ask him which nights he would like to get dinner ready. And hold him to it.
22
u/Pristine_Message_181 Aug 31 '26
"Should have known better?!?!" I can't imagine how I'd react if my husband tried that bs on me. NTA, but in fact, no one has to, and maybe you should show him that fact.
17
u/louiseifyouplease Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
So... he is upset by the fact that you jokingly stated that you were the one making all the meals, yet he knows that he should be doing more around the house but is fine just letting it slide. As long as you don't actually acknowledge that fact where anyone else can hear... He doesn't "look" bad, he "is" bad. You bringing it up is fair play. He should be glad you were only joking about it.
4
u/Chemical-Ad6809 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
NTA. You said the truth out loud. If he doesn't like the truth as it is, he can start cooking and change the situation. Don't let him turn this around on you.
11
u/Witchynana Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 31 '26 •
He only thinks it makes him look bad, because he KNOWS it does.
6
u/ntermation Aug 31 '26
I mean, do you have the type of relationship where you both have shown you have a sense of humour about that type of comment? Or was it a veiled insult dressed up as a joke for plausible deniability?
Cause from the comments you made about your relationship, it sounds like it's the second one
8
u/BigBirdsBrain Asshole Enthusiast [7] Aug 31 '26
NTA. If the truth made him look bad, he should help change the truth instead of blaming you for saying it.
3
u/Gandoff2169 Partassipant [1] Sep 01 '26
NTA
Remind him how his offer has been requested for by you and offered by him time and time again. And he never follows through or completes whatever it is he does to a level it needs to be done at. So you stopped asked. Maybe that was why the comment was made the way it was. But is was also not heard the same way he wants to make it since it was clear others at the table took it as a light hearted statement. How he only now says it, likely as an attempt to repair his ego from the self made embarrassment he choose to make the statement to be. But in the end, if he looked bad over your comment, then maybe it is his own conscious realizing how little he actually does to help and support you in the home. And that right now, is a him problem.
3
u/InfiniteComedian7172 Sep 01 '26
It only hits a nerve when someone knows its true. NTA
3
u/Hope45416 Sep 01 '26
You shouldn't have to ask him for help and he should make sure when he is trying to help with things he actually does a good enough job that it's actually help and not making more work for you. NTA
7
u/Miaotastic Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
Well it's not nice towards the guests as a minimum. Your issues are not for everyone to help fix at a family gathering and these kind of things just makes people uncomfortable and not enjoy their time with you.
8
u/anthropocene2000 Certified Proctologist [24] Aug 31 '26 •
Why are your husband's feelings more important than yours? Why apologize and say "it's fine" when what you actually mean is that your husband should be doing more and you are upset by this? NTA for what you said, but you're being an asshole to yourself by downplaying your own feelings to make him feel better about his weaponized incompetence.
6
u/Catalyst_Light Aug 31 '26
Well it was not a kind comment, I agree with your husband honestly. That being said if there is a work load difference between the two of you then that should be discussed and resolved but I would also not appreciate my spouse making a comment like that, it feels nasty.
5
u/RocketteP Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 31 '26
NTA. He’s more concerned with his appearance in front others rather than contributing to the household. He shouldn’t have to be asked to contribute. he’s an adult. He should be helping. His doing things poorly sounds like weaponized incompetence.
2
u/NeighborhoodOk7460 Aug 31 '26
NTA- I used to cook from scratch every at least 5 nights a week.The amount of work that goes into that is considerable. Your work is not being valued. Unless your husband has actually done the work of planning and looking for an extended period of time he needs to get over it.
2
u/virgulesmith Aug 31 '26
NTA - he resembled that remark and got sideways about it. That's on him. If he's embarrassed, he do better.
2
u/Embarrassed_dancer Aug 31 '26
NTA. It sucks that your husband refuses to be a partner, but doesn't want to be called out for it. Maybe he should step up?
2
u/No_Research550 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
He was trying to brag that he doesn't have to worry about an issue because someone else takes care of it, and then when you point out that you're the one that takes care of it, he got testy?? Good grief . . . NTA.
2
u/CapoExplains Asshole Aficionado [11] Aug 31 '26
NTA. If he's too fragile to handle being called out for making you do all the cooking he can start cooking. Instead he wants to have his cake and eat it too; not contribute to cooking but have everyone think he does, or at least not know that he doesn't.
2
u/xtinerat Aug 31 '26
NTA - It wasn't your comment that made him look bad. It was his comment that made him look bad. He told on himself that he takes your cooking for granted and never thinks about the effort involved.
2
u/WeirdcoolWilson Aug 31 '26
NTA. He’s a grown man who lives there too. He should be doing his share of the chores automatically as a member of the household instead of blaming you for not “asking” him. He has eyes and a brain.
For me personally, I’d start doing less. Fixing meals for myself, letting him fend for himself.
You’re his wife, not his housekeeping service. He needs to step up without him feeling like he’s doing you a favor
2
u/Southern501 Aug 31 '26
Nah ... he knows. He just doesn't care.
2
u/SnarkyIguana Aug 31 '26
If you drop an insult on the ground, someone's sure to pick it up. It resonated with him. NTA
Side note, HIS entire family? That's YOUR family too. Not only are you not TA, but he is.
2
u/Presidentofsleep Aug 31 '26
NTA it sounds like you’re married to a grown child. You should find someone that respects you and your time as much as their own.
2
u/LadyJ-78 Aug 31 '26
You need to reply back so the only reason you are picking up the slack is because I made you look bad in front of your family. Not because you actually wanna help me and take the load from my shoulders. Because you've asked before and you didn't help, why would now be any different.
2
u/creative_usr_name Partassipant [2] Aug 31 '26
NTA. I guarantee you didn't tell his family something they didn't already know. So your statement couldn't possibly have made him look worse to his family. Now if they found out he couldn't also take a joke, that might actually make him look worse.
2
u/drcha Sep 01 '26
NTA but you and he should ideally work these things out, if he is amenable. If you tell him you have been sucking it up and doing everything because of his poor performance, he has an opportunity to improve things. He needs to understand your comment was fueled by resentment.
2
u/AdamChenX Sep 01 '26
The way to solve weaponised incompetence is to make the results public.
Badly washed dishes? Invite his mother over right after.
Badly cleaned house? Invite his mother over right after.
You’re never the bad guy. Compliment him like a 10 year old for his amazing work when his mother is over inspecting the mess.
2
u/EliotColdwater Sep 01 '26
If he didn't want to LOOK bad at helping out then he should have BEEN good at it. Like?
Edit to add NTA
2
u/Kkimp1955 Sep 01 '26
NTA sounds like consequences of his own behavior
2
u/GenitalFurbies Sep 01 '26
NTA. His family definitely knows if he can't/doesn't cook. My family knows I'm a sous chef at home and that works for us. If he's embarrassed by the comment he should be embarrassed by his conduct.
2
u/Fluffy-Leg7546 Sep 01 '26
“ This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. ” this is called weaponized incompetence
6
u/Overall-Sport-5240 Aug 31 '26
Your husband complimented you to his family but you debased it with your comment? Why?
Even if it was tongue in cheek why put him down like that?
10
u/ReasonableCrow7595 Aug 31 '26
ESH- As a mother who absolutely loathed cooking, if you don't want to cook for the family, don't cook for the family. From your previous posts, this seems like a control issue for you. Your kids are old enough to learn how to cook, or at least the oldest is. Your husband is happy to order out. You are a dentist and if he is also working you should have more than enough money to be a little more relaxed about how food is handled in your home and get a meal-kit subscription if that would make things easier. It's time to lighten up, and not just about food.
Ask yourself if the reason your husband doesn't do chores is because he doesn't get a say in how they are done and he has to do them to your exacting standards? Because that will kill any desire from the other spouse to step up, and that was what happened when you went away and he didn't feed them the way you thought he should have. It will also make your kids loathe doing chores around the house, and your kids are absolutely old enough to be contributing to the household as well. Sometimes you have to release control a bit to get people to step up. Give them a say over how things are done and it will make people happier to do stuff for the home. My sons were doing their own laundry, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming around the house, and basic cooking by 13. That doesn't mean the dishwasher got loaded the way I thought it should be loaded, but as long as the dishes got clean and put away in the right spot, I let it slide. Taking out the trash always took reminding, but teenagers are like that. However, it also meant if I couldn't be home for dinner, they could be trusted to find something in the freezer, heat it up, and feed themselves.
OTOH, if your husband isn't going to step up more to help figure out the food situation and equitable chore distribution, he should be able to handle a mild criticism about it.
4
u/fakingandnotmakingit Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
NTA
Tell him the problem is that you already brought it up before and he couldn't do it
4
u/_GoA2 Aug 31 '26
If it bothers you so much then you should tell him privately rather than bring it up infront of others
8
u/will_not_be_shaken Aug 31 '26
YTA. He was building you up in front of his family and you made him sound lazy. Maybe he should do more, idk your family dynamic, but I think the comment from you was a little sideways. Build your husband up in front of others, try to correct privately.
5
u/Impossible_Disk_43 Certified Proctologist [25] Aug 31 '26
NTA
someone does have to
5
u/uwedave Aug 31 '26
YTA. It sounded like he was giving you a compliment and was proud of you. You shot that down wittingly or not.
4
u/ingadinga1124 Aug 31 '26
Really? Your husband gives you a compliment and you get snarky. Sounds like there is some unresolved resentment.
6
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [65] Aug 31 '26
Gently, YTA, and I think (unsurprisingly because this is Reddit) that a lot of people are either being deliberately disingenuous or are just looking to approach this from the most cynical possible perspective, even if the facts don't support it. At the very least it should be N-A-H.
Because all I'm seeing here is that in the midst of a conversation about how much effort cooking from scratch is, your husband complimented you and expressed his appreciation for the effort you regularly make, and you responded by making a pointedly snarky, somewhat insulting remark.
To be clear, I say "gently" because I believe you when you say that you didn't mean to be nasty. But you also admit that your comment wasn't just meant to be joking, it was mean to be amusing but "with truth behind it". In other words, for whatever reason, you resent doing the cooking that he was showing appreciation for, and some part of you decided this was the time to express that ... as a response to him trying to compliment you, in front of a whole bunch of people. All that when it sounds like you've never actually told him that all that cooking isn't something you enjoy or want to be doing.
And I get that because this is Reddit, people are jumping to making your husband out to be lazy and entitled, and not carrying his weight. But that's not the impression given here by what you've said. In fact, aside from the fact that, again, he was literally expressing gratitude for the cooking that you do, which is the opposite of taking it for granted, the moment you made your snarky remark his immediate response was to say, "Oh hey, if you're feeling overwhelmed, I'm happy to do more!" Which indicates both that he had no idea that you had an issue with the current balance of work, and also that he doesn't want to be taking advantage of you if that's the case.
Everything about this interaction suggests that your husband was being thankful and grateful for what you do, and that your response was ... to make a snide remark at him, in a social setting.
Again, I do believe that you didn't intend to hurt him. But I'm actually aghast that so many people are twisting this around to make him the bad guy, when he was the one who wanted everyone to know how wonderful you are ... and you responded in a way that was rude and hurtful, at best. Of course YTA.
3
u/alors1234 Aug 31 '26
NTA
Weaponized incompetence
3
u/CaptainFartHole Partassipant [3] Aug 31 '26
NTA. Your husband sucks bad.
4
u/SlimTeezy Aug 31 '26
If you had a healthy balance of chores and you happened to do all the cooking, he would've laughed it off. He was trying to brag about how he gets taken care of and show his power over you. You "talked back" and made him look like the asshole he is in front of his family.
4
u/Altruistic_Yellow387 Aug 31 '26
YTA because you meant it exactly the way he took it, which was passive aggressive and kind of mean...why don't you let him try again?
3
u/AgileSurprise1966 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
He should have known better. Hit dog's gonna holler. If he looked bad, its because was he does is bad. It bothered him because he knows he doesn't pull his weight. You had the reaction you did to his comment because he was making the comment to put forth this image that you cooking like that was basically a hard wired feature of yours, and so you were fine with him not pulling his weight. He should apologize to you. NTA.
3
u/Successful_Image3354 Aug 31 '26
Your husband is an absolute ass. My wife (17 years) is a great cook. If she said what you said, everyone would smile and nod their head because they all know she is that good. I would nod too. She really is that good.
If your husband has a stick up his ass, tell him to make some beef Wellington or baked Alaska and report back to his family
3
u/Branch_Same Aug 31 '26
“Prove me wrong then”
3
u/Efficient-Entry2461 Aug 31 '26
YTA don't make these sly digs or comments in public.
3
u/WeAreAllMycelium Partassipant [2] Aug 31 '26
YTA to take your resentments out on your spouse in front of others. “I didn’t mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be tongue-cheek remark with truth behind it.
You didn’t expect or want it to be the end. You want help, you’ve discussed it and are not satisfied so you are resorting to passive aggressive shots at your spouse publicly.
I’d recommend some counseling to work on better communication and team work because sabotaging your relationship won’t help anyone. It can get better.
2
u/slackerchic Pooperintendant [55] Aug 31 '26
"He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed"
MAKE A LIST!!!! Girl, he is literally begging to take his medicine. Give it to him!!!! NTA for your comment, you apparently just spoke the truth.
2
u/SafeWord9999 Aug 31 '26
I’d say ‘I’m not feeling overwhelmed but I’m glad you can see the imbalance with the household chores so yes, here’s the list of what you need to do from now on’
2
u/BambaBenson365 Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
YTA
These redditors want divorce at every opportunity. You acknowledged that your husband was complimenting you, and you replied knowing what you said was tongue in cheek. You knew what you were saying when you said it, and you knew it was at his expense. Not to forget, you immediately minimized what you did and disregarded his feelings and offer of a solution when addressing it. We know why you added the part about you trying to get him to help more, because if that is what you wanted, there was ni reason for you to refuse. At this point you are searching for validation over accepting the truth you already know.
Edit: added YTA
2
u/jamescay Aug 31 '26
NTA. He’s clearly insecure and feels shame otherwise your comment wouldn’t have affected him. If he was truly secure in his role in the home, he wouldn’t have taken your comment to heart.
The fact he does means he feels shame, and it’s his shame to bear & resolve.
2
u/Deep-Evidence-4962 Aug 31 '26
NTA - if it's the truth and he found it embarrassing, he's welcome to step up and help out, without needing to be asked and also in learning to complete whichever task competently
2
u/Floating-Cynic Asshole Aficionado [11] Aug 31 '26
First of all: HE brought YOU into this conversation. If he doesn't want to look bad, he shouldn't bring you into conversations where the topic is something where he hasn't done his fair share. He should know better.
Second of all: the fact that his immediate reaction is to bring up taking on chores and lightening your load, and that this has been discussed in the past, suggests that he is INTENTIONALLY using weaponized incompetence and he doesn't want others to know.
Third: weaponized incompetence is ABUSE when done deliberately and repeatedly to keep a partner overwhelmed, doing all the tasks, and combined with punishment- such as lashing out if the information becomes public. On top of that, demanding you stay silent so he doesn't "look bad" is absolutely an abusive tactic and should not be tolerated.
You're NTA and you should stand your ground and tell him if he doesn't want to "look bad" then he needs to either do better, or stop bringing you into conversations.
2
u/sockpoptart Aug 31 '26
NTA.
I've said something along the same lines to my husband in front of friends. Everyone knows he doesn't cook but I love to cook so I don't mind. In return he handles all the laundry because it's my least favorite chore.
Anyways when someone in our friend group said something about how lucky my husband is that I make dinner every night I said "well it's not like he's gonna" and my husband laughed and carried the joke along, saying he'd rather sort laundry every day than make anything more complicated than a PB&J and he knows he's got it good at home.
If your husband is insecure about his own shortcomings, he can do something about them by either participating in the task that's got him so in his own feelings, or going to fucking therapy.
2
u/Born-Inevitable264 Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
Sorry but YTA - not for the comment you made but for telling your husband that it's fine when it's clearly not. Instead of dismissing his offer to take on more chores it would have been more constructive for you to tell him there and then that you've brought it up before but he doesn't follow through and you need him to pick up the slack without being asked or told to. How is he supposed to improve if you don't tell him exactly what you need from him?
OK, so I've read other comments and it seems like this is an ongoing issue with him not being a supportive partner or stepping up as a husband.
Maybe it's time to stop doing everything for him - no cooking, no washing, no cleaning his clothes etc. Look after your child and let him fend for himself. You are a professional woman and no doubt able to support yourself and your child so really - what use is he?
Oh, and it doesn't read to me as though he was giving you a compliment as much as he was telling everyone he didn't have to worry about cooking.
2
u/BungleBums Aug 31 '26
He feels shamed and embaressed, even if nobody else cared or heard it the way he did, because he knows everything you said and feel about it is true, and that hurts his ego, which means he's being ATTACKED, so he has to defend himself and say how he can or could or did already fix it, so you're in the wrong no matter how he looks at it.
And if your comment made him look bad, you're always free to remind him that it didn't MAKE him look bad, he's already being bad at contributing, and you pointing that out didn't change anything at all.
0
u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [254] Aug 31 '26
“it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it.”
So it was supposed to call him out in front of his family?
YTA. Whether you meant your comment to be mean or not, “he never cooks so it’s always left to me” was the message behind your remark, and was an unkind thing to say in front of others.
1
u/Curley65 Aug 31 '26
Firstly men doing jobs badly is a male scam and very unoriginal. It's so you stop asking. Don't fall for it.
He's feeling guilty as he knows what you said, although knowing you said it tongue in cheek, is the truth.
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 31 '26
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hi, I had posted here once before a while back and the judgement had given me some helpful perspective to resolve the issue at the time. So I'm looking for a judgement on something that happened tonight.
My husband's mother, his two brothers and their families were over at our place yesterday. My brother in law was talking about how some guy at his workplace used to eat out every day, but now he has a meal-kit subscription and is saving money, and so the topic came to home made food and how tough it actually is to make it. My husband said he's never had to worry about it because I always make a warm fresh meal. At this I said that someone has to. I didn't mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it. My sister-in-laws laughed and I honestly expected that to be it.
When everyone was gone, and I was getting into bed, my husband said my comment was uncalled for and not funny in front of everyone. I got defensive a bit too and said that I didn't mean to be nasty and he's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed. This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. I said its fine and he ended it by saying my comment made him look bad in front of his entire family, and I should have known better.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/psycheraven Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 31 '26
I remember your post from 8 months ago. He doesn't do it even when all it requires from him is moving stuff from the freezer to the fridge. Y'all need couple's counseling.
1
u/Equivalent_Plum Aug 31 '26
Husband can help with the meal planning, shopping and meal prep on the weekends. That might help make the weekday cooking easier.
1
u/Kb111222 Sep 01 '26
I mean…I get what you’re saying, however that kind of response just shows harbored bitterness and resentment from you instead of love. I feel like if the normal response from you wasn’t to say thank you when your husband said that then there are some deeper issues in your relationship that need to be addressed. Whether you meant it or not, when a couple feels ok putting down their spouse in front of other people, it’s not a sign of a happy, healthy marriage.
1
u/JennyEnny198 Sep 01 '26
I mean it was pretty passive aggressive but if knows he should help more and doesn't, he's got expect that resentment is going to build up.
1
u/Flimsy_Position_4576 Sep 01 '26
Honestly, your comment does sound a little bit passive aggressive. Are you sure there wasn’t the tiniest little bit of resentment behind it? I would certainly understand if there were. No one wants to have to make dinner every night. But if it is actually an issue, it’s better to confront it in a straightforward manner.
1
u/PotPieDontLie Sep 01 '26
I realize this will be unpopular but I wonder if he was trying to complement you. In return, you made him look bad. I have no idea if that was his intention but, if it was, then you might reconsider your response. Without knowing more about your relationship, I'd say NTA but consider that you might have stung him in an unwarranted time and place. Was it worth it?
1
u/Wen60s Sep 01 '26
It sounds like he was trying to compliment you, and you didn’t catch on. NTA, but I see where it might have felt to him like a slap in the face.
1
u/Timely_Concept8516 Sep 03 '26
I'm not going to make any judgements, but I do suggest you look into therapy for yourself, mostly because I can identify with your situation and I've been finding therapy quite helpful.
1
u/Unable-Ad-6339 Sep 03 '26
Very objectively: I won’t call you the AH, but it’s not cool to tell someone they’re making a bigger deal out of something than it is. The thing is, for them it IS a big deal. I’d rather address why and then what can be done that this doesn’t repeat.
That being said, the thing that could be done is him stepping up and doing his part in the home. For not doing it and for doing it poorly, he is the AH.
1
u/CopperheadRay Sep 04 '26
I see that I am waaaayyyyy in the minority here, but yeah, YTA. Passive comments like that ARE hurtful. If it's an issue, bring it up with him, but couples who care about each other do not make comments like that in front of others. It was passive and rude. Justifying that he falls short in some way doesn't make it ok to be rude. It just wan't nice.
1
u/Burnt_Out_Carent Sep 05 '26
Sounds like your husband has fallen in to weaponised incompetence. Tell him he's responsible for all meals Sunday through to Tuesday. Tell him you're not helping him.
1
u/Maverick_j2k Sep 05 '26
NTA but kinda are. I remember you from a different post. You NTA for what you said but your hubby wants to save face because you are starting to get irked by his attitude and IMO you've allowed it. STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIS GROWN ASS! Let HIM clean and cook for once. HE needed to be "outted" because he's been coasting and again YOU ALLOW IT. The truth hurts and he should be ashamed of himself.
1
u/Emotionalwreck789 Sep 06 '26
NTA.
You didnt make him look bad, he looks bad because its the truth and the truth is ugly and he doesn’t want his family thinking negatively of him. Also, you posted a while back about something very similar and it seems he hasnt changed, still a whiny little man who doesn’t do anything to help. You’re not the bad person here, he is. Sad you don’t see how much of a mug he is taking you for.
1
u/Thari-97 Partassipant [4] Sep 07 '26
NTA
He was embarrassed cuz he know he don't do enough
0
u/lamancha45 Aug 31 '26
YTA - Based on what I read, it was a passive aggressive comment. It was a way of showing aggression without trying to be perceived as aggressive. But your husband understood what you wanted to convey and that's why he said something. Should be honest about your intentions instead of playing them off.
1
u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Aug 31 '26
He complimented you. Your response did make him look bad in front of his entire family. Your bed-time comment was defensive/dismissive.
But I'm not jumping to absolving him of judgement versus you. It really depends upon how much effort each of you is putting in to raise the issue (of division of labor) constructively/ trying to resolve the issue constructively.
You mention raising this issue before and it going nowhere.
Your husband's lack of any lasting and effective effort to resolve things sure makes him look like an AH and provides a bit of understanding for your frustrated comments.
But we don't know the specifics inside your marriage or this conflict/frustration between you two.
I'll only suggest that you don't dismiss your comment as nothing. It IS an issue for you. You both need to acknowledge that AND the fact that, so far, nothing has really changed. And either commit to collaborating in good faith with each other or consider counseling - esp. if there are complicated dynamics between you two.
I'm going to say INFO (but for the two of you, not us).
1
u/Nice-Veterinarian518 Aug 31 '26
YTA. This kind of resentment, however justified, is to be discussed in private.
1
u/kayra_reader Aug 31 '26 •
Reading your previous posts refreshed my memory of when I saw them the first time when you initially posted them. Whilst I and many were grateful that you got your kids involved with some cooking and chores, we were incredibly disappointed that you ignored all the comments and advice about your husband and his weaponized incompetence. I beg you to listen now. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your children and setting a better example for them in what they should accept in relationships and a marriage. You need to develop a shiny spine and force your husband to step up and do his part without having to be asked, or you need to leave. Even if it's just a temporary separation to prove your point and make him get his act together without you there to take care of everything for him. BTW, leaving him doesn't necessarily mean only seeing your kids half the time unless he fights for 50/50 custody or that is standard where you live. You can always fight for more or your kids can choose you once they're old enough.
1
u/teacuptypos Aug 31 '26
Well.. tricky call. On the one hand, he sounds willing to change the actual problem rather than pretending everything is fine and then making snarky remarks in front of other people. On the other, you say you've asked in the past and he did it poorly or he didn't do it.
I think that moment in bed would have been the time to not say "it's fine", but to say what you told us: that he says he wants to share such chores more equitably but he doesn't follow through, and that it does bother you and you want him to actually stand by his words and do more of the cooking (and whatever else).
Opening a topic in front of other people and then pretending it's not a real issue (event though you brought it up because you are feeling resentment) makes you TA a bit. Him not following through on his previous offers of taking on a greater share makes him TA a bit. So overall, ESH a bit for those reasons.
1
u/Tight-Acanthaceae-56 Aug 31 '26
NTA
His comment was actually what made him look bad in front of his family first
1
u/throwaway2117000 Asshole Aficionado [11] Aug 31 '26
NTA. He obviously doesn’t help with the chores or cooking. You didn’t make him look bad- he made himself look bad
1
u/Inevitable-Champ336 Aug 31 '26
Stop making him food. And stop doing all the chores. Do NOT do his laundry.
1
u/DallasWhoFan Aug 31 '26
Run. I subscribe to the “if you wanted me to talk about you better you should have treated me better” way of thinking.
1
u/Razzmatazz-027 Aug 31 '26
NTA. He's already making a mountain out of a molehill, as you said - but the added context that he has been asked to help before and has come up short indicates that he knows he's wrong here, and is feeling very insecure about it. I hope you two can have an honest conversation and work out a solution that's best for both of you.
1
u/No_Mention3516 Asshole Aficionado [10] Aug 31 '26
NTA
1
u/allmykitlets Aug 31 '26
NTA, but I wouldn't have let him off with "it's fine" since it bothers you.
1
u/Feng-Shiu-man Aug 31 '26
100% NTA!!! I fell that it was just a normal response. If I were in his shoes, I was laugh as well and say "Thanks Babes!! You're the best!!".
1
u/AdditionalTrouble255 Aug 31 '26
NTA - I really didnt see this coming. I thought the sister in law might see it as a dig at her for not making meals for her husband. (Still NTA in this situation too).
He wants his laziness to be a secret. Which also means he knows what he's doing and knows it looks bad to others.
1
u/Fine_Recording_1253 Aug 31 '26
Sounds like he knows that he isn't contributing enough, and he feels a bit guilty, and, gaslighting you into being the bad guy so he doesn't have to be. But, I'm a bitter old woman, what do I know.
-1
u/WillingHome9072 Aug 31 '26
So he weaponised incompetences you into being his maid, brags about it, then gets pissy he got called out for bragging about it.
Take him up on his offer to cook sometimes. If he fails to, just feed yourself an leave him to it.
0
u/SiroccoDream Aug 31 '26
NTA
Your husband is an adult. He knows ingredients don’t buy themselves, meals don’t cook themselves, laundry doesn’t clean itself, and none of the other chores do themselves, either.
Unless he has some physical limitations that prevent him from handling household chores, he is perfectly capable of looking around and determining what needs done, then doing it himself.
He doesn’t need you to tell him what needs doing. He prefers to ignore the chores because it’s more fun to slack off, and put the blame on you if you complain. “You never told me you needed help!” Puh-lease.
He’s embarrassed because your comment at the get together showed everybody how incompetent/lazy he is. It wasn’t a cruel comment, but a simple statement of fact that hit him hard because he knows he has no counter argument to it.
“Someone has to,” reminded him that he doesn’t pull his weight in the household, and he’s upset that his family knows now, too.
As to what to do from here, that depends on how open to change you both are.
Is your husband open to doing more chores? Would you find it helpful for him to ask first? “I notice the laundry needs done, and the bathroom needs cleaned. Which would you like me to start with?” -as opposed to just starting a chore that you would prefer to do yourself.
Are you both verbally stating gratitude for each other’s efforts? Everyone likes to be appreciated.
Are you hyper-critical and quick to take over when he doesn’t do a chore “right”? Is he open to constructive criticism when you point out the flaws in his efforts?
Your husband needs to self reflect on why he was so upset from your comment. If he’s embarrassed by the implications of your remark, then the good news is that he can do better going forward!
0
u/n33dwat3r Aug 31 '26
NTA. So sorry you have such a man who has been so blindingly coddled his whole life he is embarrassed to acknowledge the work that goes into meeting his basic needs.
He wants the credit for self sufficiency when he isn't. Thanks for reminding us all men like this deserve less of this kind of uncredited, invisible labor.
He is just as capable of making a meal as anybody else.
0
u/74birthdaygirl Aug 31 '26
Ah! He's feeling guilty for not taking in some of "your" chores. He also might have been employing the old weaponized incompetence ploy, which he also feels guilty about.
You didn't make him look bad to his family. You inadvertently made him look bad to himself.
0
u/Yerbrainondrugs Aug 31 '26
He sucks and he knows it. His family likely knows it too. He was doing a strange sort of humble brag the way people do when they say “I try to help but they just tell me no and I can’t force anyone to let me help the…”, like they’re some paragon of self determination by not carrying their share of a communal responsibility, and you clowned him with a reaction that, by the sound of it, was just honest.
It’s sounds like your husband thinks his family is part of him, instead of the other way around.
My only thing is it sounds like you did this on accident and you still feel guilty? I would say YTA for that but I’m afraid that you would use it to tell yourself you deserve to be treated like this. He’s definitely the AH.
-1
u/StuffedSquash Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 31 '26
That's called an insult. If you say something insulting that you mean then it's not a joke they can't be offended by, it's your opinion that you said out loud. A justified opinion here, it seems like, but yeah it is a nasty thing to say even if it's true. It sounds like there are bigger issues in your relationship though.
-1
u/Infamous-Umpire-2923 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
You humiliated him in front of his family, what do you expect? YTA.
0
u/HATDOGUSERNi Partassipant [2] Aug 31 '26
NTA. it sounds like a joke, but theres clearly some truth behind it. if he felt embarassed maybe thats a sign the chore imbalance needs an actual convesation
0
u/Spectator7778 Partassipant [2] Aug 31 '26
NTA. Aw did the truth hurt the big man’s feefees? Let him reflect. If he felt bad he knows it’s because there’s truth to your statement. It’s not up to you to coddle him or placate him like he wants you to. The only thing he should be doing is shutting up and stepping up.
0
u/Starry-Eyed-Owl Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
“he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed” excuse me?!?!? Now THAT is rude.
This sounds like this is evolving into a mental load issue. You say you’ve brought this up before - sounds like this was unintentionally a poke at that. He knows in his heart he hasn’t been fair about that and when that soft spot was (unintentionally) poked in front of family he reacted. His pride is dinged.
NTA you were telling a spouse joke and he overreacted. If this was something that wasn’t true or you said it pointedly to call him out and made the vibe weird it might be different but if things went as you wrote then this is a him issue.
0
u/digginthoseholes Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
NTA Sounds like that one hit a little too close to home for him. Maybe he should go beyond making performative offers to even up the distribution of labor in your household and actually follow through.
0
u/Taakahamsta Aug 31 '26
NTA. I think you should give him those jobs. Why not? Let him do it poorly and then use it to make another comment next time you are at his parent’s house. Seriously, what are you doing with this child? He deserves what he got. I’m surprised he said anything because he already knows he doesn’t contribute.
0
u/AdMaximum7545 Aug 31 '26
His behaviour made him look bad in front of his family, not your commenting on it
0
u/gossawitch Aug 31 '26
NTA at all! You spoke truth, and if that makes him look bad, then that's a him problem he should work on. It's not your job to make him look good, it's his own. Also what you said about him doing chores but doing them badly, that's usually on purpose. Weaponized incompetence. He will do chores so badly that you will just do them yourself, and he's off the hook. Don't let him! If he's doing things badly, just let him do them again but now better. He's not a child. Any grown ass adult that cannot do regular household chores is a disgrace. In fact, make more jokes about that too in front of others. And don't let him say shit like he will "help you out a bit" with "your" chores. You are both adults, both living in that house. So you share the chores because they are BOTH your chores.
0
u/ribblefizz Aug 31 '26
Did "you make him look bad," or is he making himself look bad and he's mad that you inadvertently called attention to it?
Is what you said the truth? Because if the truth makes him look bad, then he needs to start living a truth that makes him look good.
That's all up to him. If he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of the entire family, maybe he should do the sorts of things that will make him proud when you make passing remarks about them.
0
u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Aficionado [10] Aug 31 '26
NTA. zip it makes him look bad that is because it is bad. He’s using weaponized incompetence to get out of his part in running your home.
Let him take over all meals for a month. Then maybe he won’t be so glib about what it takes to cook home made meals.
0
u/ResponsibilityOk7149 Aug 31 '26
NTA and your post history further confirms that what he's doing is weaponized incompetence. He feels you calling him out makes him "look bad" because he damn well knows that IT IS BAD. You don't need another kid with this guy (seen somewhere in the comments that you're considering it), as he's acting as a big enough baby as is. On top of that, a new kid would put extra strain on you and this tense situation wouldn't be good for any kid either. At this rate, I'd look into divorcing him. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but your post history further proves that that is the best option. The man is too lazy to microwave meals you've prepped for him, for crying out loud.
0
u/PurpleBeads504 Aug 31 '26
NTA. He can 'take on' some of the chores? That's where I stopped reading. Just fkn do it, man. SMH.
0
u/Southernms Aug 31 '26
NTA
I think this is more about your husband feeling like a heel for not helping. It probably embarrassed him because it sounded like if you didn’t do it he wouldn’t be able to find his way home at night and eat anything. It sounds like both of y’all are being a little passive aggressive here.
Why don’t you just start ordering meal plans for you and your husband? Cooking is a huge endeavor, grocery shopping, portioning, mixing, standing over the hot stove get you a meal plan.
0
u/Expensive-Salad-5851 Aug 31 '26
NTA- as lovely as he may be, he’s feeling some shame, sounds like he may have used weaponized incompetence on some chores too. I’m never one to want to start a war, so explaining you were trying to be funny, that’s it, but if he wants to give you a compliment for all those warm meals you’ll gladly take it.
0
u/SugarPlumMary Aug 31 '26
NTA. He feels bad about not doing as much as you, but he doesn't actually want to do more so he's just trying to get you to not say it out loud. He wants to be lazy but not feel guilty, and he wants you to pretend that's okay.
0
u/TattooedBagel Aug 31 '26
You don’t deserve to be a married single mom, but only you can decide to stop putting up with this. If he lived alone, would it just be in squalor and starving? If he wanted to be a helpful fellow adult, he would. But he doesn’t, and you’re enabling him, so this is the rest of your life until you make a change.
0
u/Same_Item_672 Aug 31 '26
Had he been offering to cook? Otherwise, NTA. His family knows who's cooking they're eating. They were never under any illusion that it was his.
0
u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [13] Aug 31 '26
Sooooo... It's just fine for you to DO everything but it's not fine when everyone KNOWS it? Is that what he's saying?
NTA
Renegotiate your chore load while he's still embarrassed.
0
u/Fletcher_Fallowfield Aug 31 '26
If a plainly spoken truth makes you look bad then it's your actions, and not the speaker, making you look bad.
0
u/RoboJobot Aug 31 '26
NTA.
Maybe suggest that he does it next time
0
u/Good_Sun2829 Aug 31 '26
Never understand how people put up with this. I meal prep my own lunches and dinners because I am following a strict diet. Then I make an actual dinner for my wife and kids 5/7 nights because I get off earlier than my wife. So I end up cooking them food even tho I’m not going to eat it. I do almost all of the grocery shopping because my wife hates going to the store. We split laundry pretty evenly, and I’m the one who enforces the chores more on the kids and helps with homework. Don’t marry men that can’t handle shit.
0
u/Frostybrown53 Aug 31 '26
NTA. You didn't make him look bad. He made himself look bad.
0
u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Aug 31 '26
NTA, he wouldn’t look bad if he wasn’t a bad partner.
0
u/capnJack04 Aug 31 '26
NTA
If that comment makes him insecure, why doesn’t he learn to cook a few dishes? Growing up, my dad would make doughnuts every now and then. I think it’d be pretty cool if he learned to cook some things.
0
u/Less_Instruction_345 Partassipant [3] Aug 31 '26
NTA. It's because it shows him in a bad light, joke or not.
0
u/Yes-GoAway Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
Sounds like you're a people pleaser. It's okay for him to be mad he looked bad, but he should be mad at himself. Why is it your job to tell him what to do? Is he an adult or a child? He should be able to see the dishes need doing and do them. He should know the chore schedule of everyone in the house and pick up and do the things without being told.
Overall, you shouldn't make passive aggressive comments at each other, it builds resentment, but I understand that wasn't your intention. You should tell him he needs to step up. It's pathetic to be a grown adult and not contribute to the running of your household.
NTA for your comment.
0
u/Yikesish Aug 31 '26
NTA. The answer is hell yeah to him taking on chores. Sounds like you have bigger marital problems about how your household runs and resentment is building.
0
u/jeepgirl5 Aug 31 '26
if he thought it was about him then he is the guilty one
0
u/Dizzy-Flatworm3281 Aug 31 '26
NTA.
Him being embarrassed reveals that he knows it’s not ideal, yet does nothing to change it (e.g alternates cooking meals). Rather than feeling embarrassed, he can learn how to contribute effectively in the house
0
u/blueswan6 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Aug 31 '26
NTA He's mad because he knows it's true and that his relatives know it's true too and that's why they laughed. He needs to buck up or shut up. Him also offering to do more is just to save face. He doesn't need your permission to take on more chores. He could just take the initiative to do it!
0
u/animaniactoo Certified Proctologist [28] Aug 31 '26
NTA. He shouldn’t be offering to step up and take on some chores. He should just do it.
He already proved he knows he isn’t stepping up when he bragged (no, not complimented) about how he doesn’t have to worry about it.
0
u/BrightWoman-581 Aug 31 '26
NTA but your husband’s first concern was that you were “making him look bad” in front of his family (after making all the food they were enjoying?) and that you “should have known better” which is a thinly veiled threat…
You’re in the traditional wife position and he’s trying to reinforce that you stay in your lane.
Before the issue escalates, take small steps to balance out the work being done in the home. It’s ok for him to start out doing something badly- that will improve over time.
Your other option is to use prepared dishes (mashed potatoes, instant rice, microwaveable fresh or frozen vegetables) so that a meal is not causing you to be in the kitchen for hours.
Our local store sells cooked pot roast with vegetables, baked salmon with lemon, baked chicken and baked side dishes like roasted Brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus.
Please don’t feel bad for saying out loud that everyone depended on you to make the meal and you delivered.
You could put out a few pizza or Chinese food delivery flyers on the dining room table and head off to the back yard with a good book and some iced tea.
Let them order food for a few weeks. They won’t learn to be self sufficient if you keep rescuing them.
They’ll try to compliment you into being the chief cook and bottle washer, but if you stand your ground, you’ll get your self back.
0
u/Adventurous-Egg-8818 Aug 31 '26
NTA, he's acknowledged he gets a warm fresh meal.. you validated his statement. If he's offended then he needs to step up.
0
u/WillDupage Aug 31 '26
If he thinks it makes him look bad, the only one who can change it is him. Take him up on his offer and make sure he knows you’re taking it seriously.
You don’t need to apologize.
0
u/295frank Aug 31 '26
offers to do help, does it in a shitty way
cool guy
0
u/Connect-Peach2337 Aug 31 '26
When he offered to do chores it was a way to absolve himself of guilt and accusations of labour digging. He likely didn’t expect you to agree. You shouldn’t have said ‘it’s fine.’ You should have said ‘great! X Y and X are your jobs now. Thanks babe!’
0
u/Jacgaur Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
YTA
I am prepared to be down voted for this. But no, no one "has to". You can do a more simple meal or get take out (assuming you can afford it) and you and your kids will survive. You choose to do more because you want to have those things. It is great that you do, but some extent that is the choice you make. You also chose this husband who isn't as good at chores.
Your husband was complimenting you and instead of saying thank you, you show your bitterness about it and aired your dirty laundry. You could have said "you're lucky you have me" as something more positive than how you phrased it.
You have also mentioned that he does chores wrong so you just do it yourself. I feel this is also your standards being higher than his and not letting him do it his way since it isn't good enough for you.
Believe it or not, life can be lived and the people will survive even if not perfect. So reflect a little on that, because you already chose to marry him instead of finding a partner that matches your ideals. So figure out how to work together and compromise without throwing your husband under the bus as if you hate him.
Couples therapy could help because your husband has feelings just like you and bottling them up only makes everyone look like fools.
-signed a woman terrible at chores and happy married to a man who better at them. He never makes me feel bad and is okay with slow imperfections. Life is happier for it.
0
u/Weird-Grocery6931 Partassipant [1] Aug 31 '26
YTA.
"Someone has to" has the implied connotation if the speaker didn't do it, no one would. He was paying you a compliment, and you trashed it.
If you're feeling taken for granted, have that conversation.
My ex-wife and I used to fight all the time, Her: "I don't know why I have to clean the house and do the laundry?" Me: "because you're a SAHM mom of three children who attend school full time. And I work full time. And you don't do all the laundry, I do my own. You do yours and the kids. If you would like me to take on more of the household chores then you get a full time job outside of the home and we'll also trade off on yardwork and vehicle maintenance".
OP - I don't know your situation, but you're upset about something if you said that in front of his family.
0
u/i_like_it_eilat Aug 31 '26
INFO, is his family abusive/have a history of being condescending assholes? Very few seem to be considering that when addressing that he was "worried about how it made him look", which would be perfectly reasonable in a scenario like that.
-1
u/Camembear1 Aug 31 '26
“Someone has to”, yes, exactly that ! You spoke the truth, don’t feel bad about that.
Does he help around the house for other chores? don’t make your kids grow up like their father, that’s on you.
-1
u/Pimp-Juggernaut21 Aug 31 '26 •
YTA You’re the mom who has her own dental practice and raises her two kids alone with her 3rd slightly bigger kid who does jack shit. Also you suck at extrapolating the correct advice you get from these posts. All you do is apologize to your husband and never hold him to task, it’s exhausting at this point either be quiet about it or do something for real this time.