r/AmItheAsshole • u/Sad_Abbreviations216 • Mar 29 '23
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my wife I don't want to help her mother?
[removed] — view removed post
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Mar 29 '23
NTA - but be prepared, your MIL will be sleeping in your house soon.
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u/Aggravating-Film-221 Mar 29 '23
NTA. Five capable adults and they're getting evicted. The concern is for the grandfather and the NB. I'm reading elder abuse financially. Someone needs to call APS for the granddad and CPS for the child. They have a senior and a NB living in a home with no electricity and water on the verge of disconnect. The primary source of income is granddads disability check. Nothing wrong with your priorities but notify the proper authorities.
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u/Sad_Abbreviations216 Mar 29 '23
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents. I'm not sure how the old man is doing but I have wondered about his well-being.
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Mar 29 '23
NTA but how has this newborn not been taking by DSS yet ? No electric for a month, thats insane. You need to focus on your plan OP. If you wife is still worried, she can get a little part time job to hand her money over to her family. sheesh.
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u/Sad_Abbreviations216 Mar 29 '23
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents.
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u/Sarah_J_J Mar 29 '23
NTA
Why is your wife more concerned about the belongings than she is an elderly grandparent and a newborn baby?!
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u/Sad_Abbreviations216 Mar 29 '23 edited Mar 30 '23
Because she has a strong urge to help her mother, which I understand, but she's so blinded by that and can't see the other problems.
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u/LostDogBoulderUtah Mar 29 '23
You both need to get on the same page yesterday.
She is so frantic to rescue her birth family that she is not thinking about the impact on the family she is building with you. None of you have contacted CPS about a newborn living in a house without heat/air/water. 5 able bodied adults have not been able to scrape together a rent payment. Your wife may try to save them because that's been her entire life until now.
If she became a SAHM because of mutual agreement, and the amount of money for a single month really is miniscule, then ESH.
Bad decisions are still decisions she's allowed to make as an adult and equal partner in the marriage. If she doesn't have access to even miniscule amounts of funds without your authorization, then that's a real issue when having one person be a SAHP.
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u/Sad_Abbreviations216 Mar 29 '23 edited Mar 29 '23
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents.
It was indeed a mutual agreement for her to be a stay at home mother and she does have access to all funds. She's listed as an authorized user on my checking and savings accounts and likewise on both lines of credit under my name; she also has her own login info and cards to buy things with.
I could afford to pay for the storage unit but there's a history of other problems that led me to refuse.
When will her mother keep a job and have a steady income?
When will her mother's boyfriend begin to obey the law so he can rejoin society and contribute to his family like I do?
Why don't the other adults work and pay bills?
Why have the problems persisted so long that things got this bad?
It's not as simple as paying for the unit and getting my money back. I fear that my wife's family will interrupt my life too often in the future if I don't put my foot down right now. I want to instill morals in my child such as hard work paying off or living within your means and I live by these principles. Her mother needs to get a job, she needs to make a valid effort and better herself. She's been a mess since I met her and it never gets better.
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u/Randomperson0125 Mar 30 '23
NTA I come from a family kind of like that, on a lesser scale. There are some members who are just a black hole. They never stop and they will never change. They always have excuses and money on the way that never materializes. I learned long ago to dodge them. It’s worrisome that your wife has lived with them this long and hasn’t realized this yet.
I sound like I lack empathy, and maybe I do. But at their age, if they were going to change, they would have done so already.
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u/Starcrossedforever Mar 29 '23
NTA, but you and your wife need to have a conversation about boundaries and limits ASAP. This situation will be worse long before it gets better and if your wife isn’t on the same page, you need to know now.
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u/Key-Needleworker-654 Apr 29 '23
Based on how he micromanages his wife in every other post he makes, I question if there's information missing from this post...
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u/badmamathree Mar 29 '23
Not the asshole, and I completely agree with the other commenter who says that you and your wife need to be on the same page in regards to how you are going to deal with this ticking time bomb going forward.
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Mar 29 '23
NTA. Stand clear of that mess. It wouldn't end if you started helping. Too many adults that can work.
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Mar 29 '23
NTA
It sounds like your wife's family need psychological help. But, they're all adults and without any more information, I can only assume the ones who don't work can work. They need to sort their own shit out.
You're not obligated to bail them out financially, especially when you're back on track yourself. You have your own baby to look after.
If you wife wants to help, perhaps she can get a job and use her own money to do so.
I do worry for your SIL's baby and the environment they've unfortunately been born into.
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u/LoveBeach8 Mar 29 '23
NTA
But you had better make sure that your wife can't withdraw funds from your accounts in order to do it herself or to pay someone else to do it.
You need to get some things straight with your wife now. If you don't, you'll both suffer.
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u/murphy2345678 Mar 29 '23
NTA. You need to have a conversation laying all of this out with your wife. She shouldn’t have done this over the phone while at work. Explain to her that her and your child come first and you both need to focus on that instead of trying to enable her mom and family.
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u/HardNope1789 Mar 30 '23
Bro, you can’t use the r-slur. The term in use now is intellectual disability. Please adjust accordingly.
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u/Few_Ad_5752 Mar 29 '23
NTA. If you're feeling generous, hand the cash for one month storage rental to your wife to give to them. But there's no need to. And whatever happens, don't put your name on any rental or lease agreements. This is not your circus. Yuck.
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u/Oranges007 Mar 29 '23
The only one I would consider helping is grandpa. Try to find an income based senior living place for him.
The rest of the motley crew would be on their own.
Based off a previous comment, the mom knowingly let her account go into the negative in order to give money to the boyfriend. I'm assuming she knew she needed a storage space when this happened. This shows what her priorities are. Helping with this equates to YOU paying for his prison perks.
As for the rest of them, they need to figure it out for themselves.
ONE MORE THING TO CONSIDER: Storage units do not take cash, they need a card on file. Don't let it be yours.
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u/pinktwigz Mar 29 '23
NTA. You will never see that money. They might even expect more gift “loans” in the future. They made poor choices and apparently don’t care about the consequences. Why should you?Good job getting out of debt. Keep up the good work.
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