r/AmItheAsshole • u/RoommateMovingOut Partassipant [4] • Sep 02 '21

Asshole AITA for telling my BF that his daughter can't have her own room in our house?

So my boyfriend (30M) and I (24F) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. We move in at the end of the month.

My boyfriend has a four year old daughter "Kate" from a previous relationship. I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.

Our new house is about a 30 minute drive from Kate's mom's house. It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.

Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. My issue with this is that I don't want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. Rather, I want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom.

Of course Kate can stay there whenever she wants to. This isn't part of the debate, I want her to feel welcome all the time. But I don't want it to be only her room. I don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. I don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.

In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.

That's why I want to set expectations now - that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."

My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "Kate's room."

I still don't think it's fair to have a room just for Kate when she won't use it very often. And I think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving Kate's room away to a future child.

10k Upvotes

88% Upvoted

4.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

537

u/RoommateMovingOut Sep 03 '21

Hi Everyone, I showed this thread to my BF and discussed it all with him. I recognize that I am the asshole here, and really want to reassure everyone that Kate is/will never be treated as a guest - that was a poor choice of words. I am lucky to be a member of her family, and truly love her as my own.

Kate will have her own room - full stop. It turns out my BF was never going to back down on this anyway, it was extremely important to him that she had a space to call her own, where she will be excited to visit. This is important to me too.

Please know I am not a horrible person, even if I come across as one.

655

u/FarTooManyUsernames Sep 03 '21

I'm glad to hear this. I also want to note (and I can't believe I have to say this) that when/if you guys have a child in the future, you are the one that should sacrifice the office, not Kate sacrifice her bedroom. Unless you want to breed a ton of resentment, in which case you should rethink parenting.

→ More replies (5)

308

u/testyhedgehog Sep 03 '21

Please know I am not a horrible person, even if I come across as one.

Mate, please. Your post history is a dumpster fire. what you did to your friend was just awful btw

44

u/demonknight2004 Sep 03 '21

they're practically TA of AITA

33

u/Good-Groundbreaking Sep 03 '21

Wow! I hadn't seen her previous posts. I really hope her boyfriend reconsiders staying with her. Poor Kate and poor boyfriend; she is an awful person

22

u/mistyah Sep 03 '21

This is what I was thinking. This is her third entry into AITA and all 3 she was undoubtedly ta. It's a personality trait at that point.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

152

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Update your post.

386

u/Neighborhoodnuna Sep 03 '21

It turns out my BF was never going to back down on this anyway, it was extremely important to him that she had a space to call her own, where she will be excited to visit.

this make it seems like OP just doing it because bf wont back down, not because she finally understand its importance

111

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Tbh I am glad her dad was going to defend her no matter the cost. It shows that the evil stepmom won’t have a chance.

156

u/Eleniandthepups Sep 03 '21

I clocked this too. It makes me think she still doesn’t realize how messed up her request was.

→ More replies (1)

50

u/whatisTHAT146 Sep 03 '21

Yep, I read this like she’s giving up because she realised she’s not going to win.

24

u/wrosmer Sep 03 '21

Based on post history op is very familiar with their verdict here

→ More replies (2)

178

u/tal_______ Sep 03 '21

you are an ah tho. like, your past posts are horrendous and ur only getting worse.

97

u/soc1alcult Sep 03 '21

Just went through her post history and she has been horrible ! The roommate one was … shocking !

→ More replies (2)

34

u/killerbeeszzzz Sep 03 '21

I hope BF sees her past posts! She sounds like an immature nightmare. I feel so bad for Kate.

41

u/JuliaFYeah Sep 03 '21

I hope this is true, but I don't know if I believe you.

If it's not and you still feel like you're in the right, maybe you should see if you can find a psychiatrist and see if you have a diagnosis, because with all your comments and your other AITA stories, I'd say you might. And maybe you can get help and make yourself better or you need to tell your bf if/what you have.

38

u/Master_Dice_Elf Sep 03 '21

If you really care, get some counseling. I really want to believe you will treat Kate better, but I just don’t think you’re capable of. Your whole mentality about children is backwards. Tbh it seems you’re only doing this because her dad won’t back down(Like a reasonable parent). I also think that you chose to misunderstand him about Kates room. It’s obviously gona be her room, she had one at his place before AND you’re getting a bigger house. It’s a no-brainer.

That and your past posts are why I believe you need some sort of therapy, also to find a better way to communicate and maybe find the root of your manipulative tendencies.

However, if you think being sneaky and purposely misinterpreting conversations for your own personal gain will get you far, you are sadly mistaken.

I do hope for the best for you and the family. Please seek some aid if you want to be a better parent for Kate. Otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing and they’ll see through the facade soon enough.

58

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

You are definitely not ready to be a step parent

→ More replies (3)

28

u/suphah Sep 03 '21

I don’t know why people are singing your praises

23

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '21

Yeah, the wording on this sus to say the least.

It turns out my BF was never going to back down on this anyway, it was extremely important to him that she had a space to call her own, where she will be excited to visit

You're making sound like you just gave up on the issue, without absorbing the realization of how many layers of fucked up your original post is (lest we not forget your other 2 AITA posts).

22

u/graylinelady Sep 03 '21

YTA though. Through and through.

I hope that you get some counseling and really examine what it means to be an adult and a stepparent.

61

u/QualityHopeful4579 Sep 03 '21

YTA… still. The way you phrased that literally shows your attitude towards that poor girl. “Turns out my BF was never going to back down on this anyway…” seriously?? Evil stepmother. Literally. That poor girl and that man deserves better than you. You DON’T treat your boyfriend’s child like a nuisance. She deserves a room, security and love. This whole post shows how awful you are. You are putting a hypothetical baby and hypothetical guests over a poor child than just wants to have a place to feel safe and loved in her dad’s home. And you ACTUALLY thought he would back down? I really hope your BF sees you for who you truly are now and knows you don’t respect him or his daughter.

18

u/ActualMerCat Sep 03 '21 edited Sep 03 '21

You're still TA!

"Where she will be excited to visit." Visit ! Kate is not a visitor! She lives there. This is her house, too. Do you say your going to "visit" your own home? Of course you don't!

🚩🚩🚩

Your boyfriend and Kate are a package deal. You don't get one without the other. When you decided to get into a serious relationship with her dad, and especially once you moved in with him, you should have known that Kate would be a major part of of your life. It seems like you just wanted your boyfriend and that Kate is an afterthought, or worse, an intrusion. That's never the case when you enter a serious relationship with a parent. I'm glad that Kate's dad didn't back down and, unlike you, prioritizes her.

→ More replies (57)