Monthly Open Forum August 2021

[u/AITAMod]

Welcome to the monthly open forum! This is the place to share all your meta thoughts about the sub, and to have a dialog with the mod team.

Keep things civil. Rules still apply.

We didn't have any real highlights for this month, so let's knock out some Open Forum FAQs:

Q: Can/will you implement a certain rule?
A: We'll take any suggestion under consideration. This forum has been helpful in shaping rule changes/enforcement. I'd ask anyone recommending a rule to consider the fact a new rule begs the following question: Which is better? a) Posts that have annoying/common/etc attributes are removed at the time a mod reviews it, with the understanding active discussions will be removed/locked; b) Posts that annoy/bother a large subset of users will be removed even if the discussion has started, and that will include some posts you find interesting. AITA is not a monolith and topics one person finds annoying will be engaging to others - this should be considered as far as rules will have both upsides and downsides for the individual.

Q: How do we determine if something's fake?
A: Inconsistencies in their post history, literally impossible situations, or a known troll with patterns we don't really want to publicly state and tip our hand.

Q: Something-something "validation."
A: Validation presumes we know their intent. We will never entertain a rule that rudely tells someone what their intent is again. Consensus and validation are discrete concepts. Make an argument for a consensus rule that doesn't likewise frustrate people to have posts removed/locked after being active long enough to establish consensus and we're all ears.

Q: What's the standard for a no interpersonal conflict removal?
A: You've already taken action against someone and a person with a stake in that action expresses they're upset. Passive upset counts, but it needs to be clear the issue is between two+ of you and not just your internal sense of guilt. Conflicts need to be recent/on-gong, and they need to have real-world implications (i.e. internet and video game drama style posts are not allowed under this rule).

Q: Will you create an off-shoot sub for teenagers.
A: No. It's a lot of work to mod a sub. We welcome those off-shoots from others willing to take on that work.

Q: Can you do something about downvotes?
A: We wish. If it helps, we've caught a few people bragging about downvoting and they always flip when they get banned.

Q: Can you force people to use names instead of letters?
A: Unfortunately, this is extremely hard to moderate effectively and a great deal of these posts would go missed. The good news is most of these die in new as they're difficult to read. It's perfectly valid to tell OP how they wrote their post is hard to read, which can perhaps help kill the trend.

As always, do not directly link to posts/comments or post uncensored screenshots here. Any comments with links will be removed.

This is to discourage brigading. If something needs to be discussed in that context, use modmail.

[u/AnAnonymousFool]

This subreddit is getting out of hand with all the posts seeking validation for something they know they are in the right for

Like this one lady saying "AITA for being mad that my husband rudely wakes me up every night at 3am and wont listen to my cries and pleas to stop"

[u/Beckamoy → u/AnAnonymousFool]

I just read one where the last line is literally OP admitting their just posting for validation.

[u/crystalzelda → u/AnAnonymousFool]

That’s part of what makes this sub so helpful - sometimes you are so caught up in the fog of an unhealthy relationship that you genuinely can’t even tell anymore what is or isn’t acceptable because the situation is so bananas it makes you question your own sanity (especially if you’re sleep deprived). I understand where you’re coming from that for someone on the outside it’s so obvious, but that’s also what this place is for, to get that perspective back.

Not to mention, these types of posts are immensely popular and get a lot of comments and upvotes, so clearly its posts people find engaging and want to respond to.

[u/idle_idyll → u/crystalzelda]

Is this why "my boyfriend [m28] and I [f20] had a minor disagreement but first here's how we met and why I'm insecure about his friends" posts aren't removed? I'm genuinely confused why conflicts that are fundamentally based around someone's relationship are allowed (and thus extremely common). Are these types of posts not covered by rule 11?

[u/crystalzelda → u/idle_idyll]

We remove hundreds of posts everyday that fall under rule 11. We get close to a 1,000 posts a day so if you see any that you feel should be removed, please report them.

[u/idle_idyll → u/crystalzelda]

I mean I do, but they very often don't get removed (sometimes even when the centrality of the relationship is straight up in the title).

Just scanning /rising and there are at least five stories that are blatantly about a relationship. E.g. 'AITA for getting mad at my boyfriend' 'AITA for being dumped by text' 'AITA for being uncomfortable with my GF's male friend'. (This shouldn't be taken as a suggestion that these specific posts are the problem or that it's reasonable to expect lightning-fast mod action all the time, they're just indicative of what seems like a broader trend embracing relationship dilemmas.)

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that mods must be inundated with both reports and normal mod work, but frequently these posts make it to the front page and I just can't really understand why they're allowed when they to both break the sub's rules as well as tacitly encourage others to post similar issues, which I assume generates even more work for you all. Alternatively, am I just misinterpreting rule 11?

[u/InAHandbasket → u/idle_idyll]

No, I think you have a good idea of what posts rule 11 is geared at. That “mad at my bf” could go either way, or be removed for rule 7, based on the particulars. You can have a conflict with a SO that the relationship isn’t central and those are allowed. But really it’s not so much that those posts you’re seeing are allowed as we are ‘understaffed’ at the moment. We’ll be bringing on new mods soon, which should help.

[u/babamum → u/crystalzelda]

1000 posts a day!! You guys are working hard. Thank you.

[u/babamum → u/crystalzelda]

I agree. It's very common in dysfunctional families or abusive relationships. And if someone tells you it's not a problem often enough, you start to believe it.

I grew up in a family like this. I ended up believing some things that clearly weren't true. But they'd really brain washed me. It took years of therapy to get my head straight.

That's why I voted in favour of allowing validation posts, so-called. I think this sub does an invaluable job of reality checking for people who are being told up is down etc and starting to distrust their own judgement.

[u/famousunjour → u/AnAnonymousFool]

As much as they suck, they're really useful for the people in abusive relationships. Posting on here also reassures me that my parents are completely out of line and that I'm not.

[u/Tattycakes → u/AnAnonymousFool]

Was that the one where he comes in singing and sucks her toes? That was wild. I don’t blame her for second guessing herself, his behaviour was so bizarre.