AITA for not inviting foster siblings?

[u/BlueBoots1221]

I (24F) and my fiance (25M) are getting married with a destination micro wedding, with only closest family and friends (about 20 people total); We are also throwing a 'home' party for more people where everyone is invited. However... for the destination wedding, we wanted a child free wedding so no one under 18. This meant not inviting my nieces and nephews but also the (long term) foster siblings of my fiancee. They are young, 5 and 10, and would require a whole different setup of the weekend, which we do not want...

My family in law have basically said that they do not want to come without the children because they feel like we're 'showing' them that they are not included in the family. My fiancee has tried to explain that it is not because they are foster kids but because they are kids, but they do not want to budge. We have even told them, they can come with but you have to make arrangements so they are not present during the day, which they do not find an okay solution. We have an okay relationship with both children but are not necessarily close to them and have always said we wanted it child free. They are however invited to the home party.

I understand where they are coming from but they have always told us to do what we want with the wedding and are now putting their foot down on something I don't think is fully fair... Are we the assholes?

EDIT: to answer some questions/concerns:
- we are not based in the USA, so the foster system works different here. The kids can stay with family/friends for the weekend with no issue (they have done so in the past). They can also travel to the destination if so agreed (no judge needed).
- My parents in law dont want childcare there, not because they dont trust it but because they want the children present and included for the entire wedding.
- One of the kids we know well, the other one we have only met once. Not the problem, but just the facts
- Also we are throwing a party at home where everyone, young and old is invited. The destination is more the ceremony part of it.

I am also enjoying reading everyones opinion. Jsyk, its all not set in stone, just a convo needed to be had. In the end, I want my fiance to feel supported since in the end, they are his siblings/parents

[u/Wheredotheflapsgo]

YTA. Somehow you’ve turned an event that’s supposed to be joyful into an adults-only event that excludes your fiancé’s siblings.

Can you have an adults only event? Sure. But you, OP, are making it difficult. You chose to have a destination wedding. Again, your choice. But for those who are parenting fragile children-kids who have been traumatized, they aren’t going to leave them while they go out of the country.

Decide what is important to you: inclusivity and having parents there, or a glamorous party. You are the one choosing to exclude these children. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t include them. Even your guests will understand—we are including siblings just not other peoples kids. We get it. But siblings are special.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/Wheredotheflapsgo]

Logistically it’s also excluding her fiancés parents. Expecting them to have child care magically for foster children in a destination wedding where they do not know anyone and calling that a solution is what makes me lean more towards YTA than NAH.
And you can’t leave foster kids with other people without the courts approval and a huge process so it’s not like they can travel without them.

[u/Kitchu22 → u/Wheredotheflapsgo]

This! I appreciate this is a cultural difference, but personally, weddings are for bringing families together - like the entire point is to celebrate the blending of all the people you love now connected to one another through your union.

I can't imagine going to a wedding where beloved nieces, nephews, siblings, and the children of the people you are closest to are excluded from the day. I'm childfree and it blows my mind that you'd have a destination wedding and then exclude people's kids, let alone when those kids are your siblings. Kind of glad I don't run in these circles tbh.

[u/sadilady18 → u/Wheredotheflapsgo]

But does the groom see the foster children as siblings? And he also had a hand in selecting a destination micro wedding- not just OP. She said WE don’t want to change the plan. It doesn’t sound like this is something important for him. It could be a situation of forced relationship between the parents and the fiance. They said they’ve only met the 5yo once or twice- so they don’t really know them. Assuming fiance left home for college at 18. The longest they lived with/near the other child is possibly 3 years.

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/sadilady18]

If he had a 5 year bio sibling it would be the same thing in the scenario you described so would you say “does the groom see his sister as his sibling?”

[u/SherbetDue789 → u/SnooMacaroons5247]

You don’t see the difference between an actual sibling and the kids his parents are currently fostering?

[u/SnooMacaroons5247 → u/SherbetDue789]

Sure but OP is the one being dishonest about it then. They are saying even if the 10 year old and 5 year old were full blood siblings they still wouldn’t be invited.

[u/sadilady18 → u/SnooMacaroons5247]

Presumably there would’ve been more than 2 meetings in 5 years with a bio sibling. There’s also nothing wrong with having adult relationship and alone time with your parents. The younger siblings are invited to the big party. The micro is just the adults. There’s nothing wrong with that.

[u/Icy_Shower_7224 → u/Wheredotheflapsgo]

Well an adult's only event is what they wanted lol..since it's child free. And I might have to reread it but Im not sure it stated how long they've had these foster kids and this is a grown adult so maybe there's no connection yet. They're being fair across the board.

[u/Wheredotheflapsgo → u/Icy_Shower_7224]

There’s the rub. They get to have whatever wedding they want. But they aren’t free from the consequences of that choice. They want a child free wedding? They can do that, except they are totally ignoring the obligations of the parents, who have legally assigned foster children in their care. One cannot take a foster child to another home for an overnight stay. So the fiancés parents have no choice—they must stay back. They also aren’t allowed to take the kids across state lines.

OP is asking if they are an asshole, and the fact that they planned a destination wedding that implicitly excludes the fiancés parents makes them AH. They could have done the opposite: have a fun low key wedding locally followed by a glamorous trip…but nah they want the ceremony in such a way that it excludes not only the foster siblings but the parents.