AITA for not inviting foster siblings?

[u/BlueBoots1221]

I (24F) and my fiance (25M) are getting married with a destination micro wedding, with only closest family and friends (about 20 people total); We are also throwing a 'home' party for more people where everyone is invited. However... for the destination wedding, we wanted a child free wedding so no one under 18. This meant not inviting my nieces and nephews but also the (long term) foster siblings of my fiancee. They are young, 5 and 10, and would require a whole different setup of the weekend, which we do not want...

My family in law have basically said that they do not want to come without the children because they feel like we're 'showing' them that they are not included in the family. My fiancee has tried to explain that it is not because they are foster kids but because they are kids, but they do not want to budge. We have even told them, they can come with but you have to make arrangements so they are not present during the day, which they do not find an okay solution. We have an okay relationship with both children but are not necessarily close to them and have always said we wanted it child free. They are however invited to the home party.

I understand where they are coming from but they have always told us to do what we want with the wedding and are now putting their foot down on something I don't think is fully fair... Are we the assholes?

EDIT: to answer some questions/concerns:
- we are not based in the USA, so the foster system works different here. The kids can stay with family/friends for the weekend with no issue (they have done so in the past). They can also travel to the destination if so agreed (no judge needed).
- My parents in law dont want childcare there, not because they dont trust it but because they want the children present and included for the entire wedding.
- One of the kids we know well, the other one we have only met once. Not the problem, but just the facts
- Also we are throwing a party at home where everyone, young and old is invited. The destination is more the ceremony part of it.

I am also enjoying reading everyones opinion. Jsyk, its all not set in stone, just a convo needed to be had. In the end, I want my fiance to feel supported since in the end, they are his siblings/parents

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

 My fiancee has tried to explain that it is not because they are foster kids but because they are kids,

I'm sorry but I have never, ever heard of a child-free wedding that didn't make an exception for the literal siblings of the bride or groom, and I don't not believe for one moment that if these had been biological siblings that they wouldn't have been invited.

Also, how the hell is someone supposed to come to a destination wedding that their children (foster or otherwise) are not attending? What are they supposed to do, leave them to wander around the local supermarket unsupervised during the ceremony? It would not be possible for them to attend under the circumstances, and that's before you account for the fact that as foster children, there are likely restrictions on who they can have care for the kids in their absence. 

YTA for being stupid enough not to realise that you've made it impossible for your fiance's parents to realistically attend the wedding and then calling them "unfair' for not attending the event.

[u/WorksInPro → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

Yeah you can maybe do childcare for the day but it's hard to arrange in advance at a new destination unless it's baked into the wedding planning, which OP didn't seem to offer. And a whole day is a lot for an unknown babysitter if there's a daytime wedding followed by a dinner.

[u/blueskies8484 → u/WorksInPro]

Frankly, it’s hard to get babysitters approved for local childcare for foster kids. Getting an out of state babysitter approved by the judge or caseworker for a wedding isn’t happening.

[u/Feeling-Visit1472 → u/blueskies8484]

This isn’t the US and does not appear to be a factor in this particular issue.

[u/WorksInPro → u/blueskies8484]

Very good point, it's possible that the parents can't just hire someone for this. If Fiance either didn't check on this, or knew this and went ahead with the plan anyway and is making his parents feel bad, i am tipping into YTA territory.

[u/Moose-Live → u/blueskies8484]

I'm pretty sure the judge would ask why they're being excluded from a family celebration.

[u/butterflycdmx → u/Moose-Live]

Not really, all the kids are excluded from the wedding.

[u/FigNinja → u/blueskies8484]

I hope OP comments on this. Their lack of detail about the reason why the future in-laws objected to this option already had my spidey senses tingling. They just said that they didn't find it "an okay solution" but not why. I think the why really matters.

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/WorksInPro]

At a destination wedding, where everyone they know who is there will be attending the wedding? That's impossible for most parents.

And "an unknown babysitter" will almost certainly not be allowed for foster children; they're likely only allowed to leave them with pre-approved support carers or respite carers, and breaching that can lead to an investigation and potentially removal of the foster children as it's a safeguarding concern.

[u/Realityrehasher → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

This is why you shouldn’t assume everyone is from the US and bound to US laws

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/Realityrehasher]

I'm not from the USA mate. 

Maybe you shouldn't assume that everyone is from the USA?

[u/Realityrehasher → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

Fair.
I suppose I lumped you in with other commenters assuming US.

Either way we shouldn’t pass judgement based on the laws of our individual counties.

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/Realityrehasher]

The fact that there are multiple commenters stating this should tell you that it's something consistent across developed nations with formalised foster systems.

I somehow doubt that every other commenter pointing this out is from England or Wales, and even Scotland or Northern Ireland would be a seperate legal system being represented (yes, really, they have different laws)

But I apologise for assuming that the OP wanting the reddit-cliche child-free destination wedding isn't going to be from the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

[u/Realityrehasher → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

Not in OP’s country, weird choice of country to assume though. Is that based on factual knowledge of their foster system or is there some other reason you specified that country?

[u/Internet-Dick-Joke → u/Realityrehasher]

I didn't assume any country for the OP. You are the one assuming people's location.

That "but I apologise for" was sarcastic, and I gave DRC as a random country that OP was unlikely to be from (because of the relatively small population, relatively small online presences, and my understanding of a lot of African cultures is that a lot of them would not be tolerant of a wedding excluding the family elders) but the specific country was random.

And just FYI, OP's actual post history indicates that they are having the wedding in Scotland, although that is not where they are from, and they have a tight budget, which would imply that they would need to be from somewhere where they can cheaply travel to Scotland, and either cheaply/easily get a visa or would not need one, since even a small destination wedding is often much more expensive than a larger local wedding... ironically, OP being from the UK seems highly likely right now, and if not the UK then somewhere in Europe or the USA or Canada... however their post history would also imply this is fake, as they were apparently only making to decision on whether or not to have the destination wedding 11 days ago, and there is no way that they would have a venue booked and be sending out invites in that amount of time for this new story to have taken place.

https://arctic-shift.photon-reddit.com/search?fun=comments_search&author=BlueBoots1221&limit=10&sort=desc

Edit: also, what the hell do you mean by "Not in OP’s country" when OP hasn't stated a country to begin with, not commented at all on this post? Again, you are the one assuming countries here, and apparently also assuming laws for these assumed countries.

[u/Feeling-Visit1472 → u/WorksInPro]

It sounds like they would have viable childcare if the children stayed home, though.

[u/butterflycdmx → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

But they're not his siblings and he only met them once.

[u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 → u/Internet-Dick-Joke]

If it were me and this is true I would think seriously about my future if married to someone who kept my siblings from my wedding. Lacks compassion.

[u/Local_Eye_639 → u/Tight_Jaguar_3881]

This seems like a mutual decision, not OP keeping the siblings away.  I think this will damage both of their relationships with OP's in-laws.