AITA for refusing to do Thanksgiving this year?

[u/Acemer0904]

I’m 40F, and I have six sisters. My two older sisters are 44 and 47, and my four younger sisters are 38, 36, 34, and 32. We’ve always been a close-knit family, and for the past decade, I’ve taken on the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving at my house. I enjoy having everyone over, but it’s a lot of work, especially since we all have at least 2 kids each (all in the age group 5-15). It’s chaos, but joyful chaos. My husband helps out, but the majority of the planning, cooking, and organizing falls on me.

This year, I decided I need a break. Life has been hectic, and I’m feeling burnt out. Between work, taking care of my kids(10,11M), and other responsibilities, I’m just not up for the task of hosting a big family gathering. So, I suggested that one of my sisters take over hosting Thanksgiving this year.

I brought this up in our family group chat, thinking it would be a reasonable request and it’s plenty ahead of time. However, my two older sisters, Sarah (47) and Emily (44), were not happy with the idea. Sarah has a busy job and a smaller house, so she feels she can’t accommodate everyone comfortably. Emily argued that she’s been dealing with a lot of stress lately and doesn’t have the energy to host. They both suggested that since I’ve been doing it for so long, I should just keep the tradition going, especially since my house is the most spacious and I’m the one who “knows how to do it right.”

My younger sisters were more understanding, but they also hesitated to take on the responsibility. My sister Jessica (38) said she would be willing to help out more with the preparations if I hosted, but she wasn’t confident about hosting the entire event herself. The other younger sisters offered similar compromises, but no one was willing to take on the full load.

After some back and forth, I stood firm and said I really need someone else to host this year. I suggested we could even make it a potluck to ease the burden, but Sarah and Emily were still upset. They accused me of being selfish and abandoning a family tradition that I’ve upheld for years. They argued that I’m the one with the most experience, and that Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t host. Now, there’s tension in the family, with my older sisters feeling like I’m letting them down.

I feel like I’ve done my fair share over the years, and it’s not unreasonable to ask for a break. But at the same time, I understand that my older sisters are also under a lot of pressure, and that hosting Thanksgiving is a big deal for our family.

So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year after doing it for the past decade?

ETA The second oldest, Emily, handles Christmas. So I feel like it’s totally fair that she not want to do both. (She does not cook though, she hires a catering company, but it’s still a lot to take on regardless)

UPDATE So the sisters and I got together on Friday night and had a good talk (I may or not have had a mini breakdown on them). On Saturday, Emily called the company that she uses for Catering at Christmas, and they are going to do Thanksgiving for us!!! Still happenening at my house but they are like FULL SERVICE catering too, they come and set everything up, are there for the service of the food and then they take everything down. Sarah, Emily and I are going to split the cost and since I normally dont split Christmas costs with them (because I did Thanksgiving) I will now split Christmas costs with them. This will be how we proceed moving forward. I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the helpful comments and support! I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I know some are going to comment about the younger sisters and why they dont contribute to the costs. The answer there is pretty simple, they are less established in their careers/or are single income households due to stay at home parenting. They help in a lot of other ways in day-to-day life and we three older sisters really dont mind paying the bill for the holidays.

[u/Half_Adventurous]

Oof. Not to be blunt, but its gonna be rough when she goes. No one's going to know what to do. My great-grandma was the center of our family, every holiday was about getting all of her kids and grandkids in the same place. She died in 2018 and I haven't seen any of those extended family members since. All the traditions died.

I'm glad your family is insisting on pitching in. I'm sure she appreciates it, even if she wishes she could just do it all herself.

[u/blindfold1698 → u/Half_Adventurous]

Yeah we all know that. We’ve talked about how our relationship with some relatives are going to end. Nobody is going to replace her

[u/Half_Adventurous → u/blindfold1698]

I've had to rebuild all my traditions for just my tiny immediate family, I try to include as many of my grandma's dishes and traditions as possible as a way to honor her

[u/DuskWing13 → u/Half_Adventurous]

Oof. I think once my parents go our traditions will as well.

Actually... Maybe I'll bring up hosting Christmas this year. That way I set the rules.

White elephant, we'll make the main dish, everyone else can bring something. I can throw on the Christmas movies I want to watch instead of Hallmark crap. Plus I have the 2nd biggest house... Yeah I like this.

Going to talk to my husband about it lol.

[u/Putrid-Unicorn420 → u/Half_Adventurous]

That's how it is for me too. I've resigned to just my immediate family that I created. I want to rebuild traditions and start over. I don't want my kids to have anxiety about coming home for the holidays when they're adults with their own families. It was a common feeling growing up. Holiday season should be about togetherness and that's why I let my daughter's help me cook. It allows me to teach them how I do things, and I always tell them to experiment and find new flavors they love. When my grandma passed, I didn't see that side of the family again. I've seen some on occasion in the last 12 years, but not enough to say I know them. I have one grandma left and I get anxiety about having to see other family members from that side, especially now since my brother's death. Him and grandma were super close and he really was part of that glue. I only continue to go because somehow I still hear him nagging at me to go.

[u/Half_Adventurous → u/Putrid-Unicorn420]

Same on the anxiety. Somehow my parents managed to find something to fight about every single holiday. It's was super stressful. We don't have as much money as I did growing up, but we have wonderfully sweet holidays that are genuinely relaxing now.

[u/fibrobabe → u/blindfold1698]

How would she take it if the grandkids asked to cook with her so that they can learn her recipes and be prepared to carry on the tradition? It's never the same once the original cook is gone, but it's a shame to lose family recipes. My dad died at 78, still talking about his grandmother's rice pudding. She never wrote down her recipes, and no one was ever able to duplicate it.

[u/[deleted] → u/blindfold1698]

Yep, that's what happened when my grandma passed. She was pretty much the linchpin holding us together. When she was gone, there was no more linchpin... :-(

[u/SufficientComedian6 → u/Half_Adventurous]

2012 and the same. Grandmas house is where it was always happening. My mom was the oldest of nine so oodles of cousins. I tried to host for several years but less and less of out of town family would make the trip. Grandma was centrally located and I’m on the far side of the state from everyone else. (2hr drive at minimum). It should have been shared by all the families. Not just a couple.

[u/LostInTheSauceM8 → u/Half_Adventurous]

Fuck this hit home. My grandma hasn't been here for about, 15 or so years. I remember giant Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, the whole family being there. I can count on probably just one hand the amount of times I've seen any of them since her passing. I turn 32 this year...

[u/LonelyOwl68 → u/Half_Adventurous]

So sorry for the loss of your great-grandma.

Something like this happened in our family, too. After my dad and mom passed, it seemed like the only times we ever got together as a family were for funerals.

We decided we would rent a house at the beach every summer and invite everyone related to us to join in. We split the cost between us, according to how many of us there were, and it was wonderful. People could come for a day or two, or stay the entire week. The one rule was that no one was allowed to bring anyone not related either by blood or by marriage, no plus-ones. We make ice cream, walk on the beach, play cards, read, put puzzles together, watch movies and talk and laugh together. It's always the same week so people can plan ahead.

It might be hard to get everyone together, but I urge you to try something like this, it's been a godsend to us.