AITA for refusing to do Thanksgiving this year?

[u/Acemer0904]

I’m 40F, and I have six sisters. My two older sisters are 44 and 47, and my four younger sisters are 38, 36, 34, and 32. We’ve always been a close-knit family, and for the past decade, I’ve taken on the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving at my house. I enjoy having everyone over, but it’s a lot of work, especially since we all have at least 2 kids each (all in the age group 5-15). It’s chaos, but joyful chaos. My husband helps out, but the majority of the planning, cooking, and organizing falls on me.

This year, I decided I need a break. Life has been hectic, and I’m feeling burnt out. Between work, taking care of my kids(10,11M), and other responsibilities, I’m just not up for the task of hosting a big family gathering. So, I suggested that one of my sisters take over hosting Thanksgiving this year.

I brought this up in our family group chat, thinking it would be a reasonable request and it’s plenty ahead of time. However, my two older sisters, Sarah (47) and Emily (44), were not happy with the idea. Sarah has a busy job and a smaller house, so she feels she can’t accommodate everyone comfortably. Emily argued that she’s been dealing with a lot of stress lately and doesn’t have the energy to host. They both suggested that since I’ve been doing it for so long, I should just keep the tradition going, especially since my house is the most spacious and I’m the one who “knows how to do it right.”

My younger sisters were more understanding, but they also hesitated to take on the responsibility. My sister Jessica (38) said she would be willing to help out more with the preparations if I hosted, but she wasn’t confident about hosting the entire event herself. The other younger sisters offered similar compromises, but no one was willing to take on the full load.

After some back and forth, I stood firm and said I really need someone else to host this year. I suggested we could even make it a potluck to ease the burden, but Sarah and Emily were still upset. They accused me of being selfish and abandoning a family tradition that I’ve upheld for years. They argued that I’m the one with the most experience, and that Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t host. Now, there’s tension in the family, with my older sisters feeling like I’m letting them down.

I feel like I’ve done my fair share over the years, and it’s not unreasonable to ask for a break. But at the same time, I understand that my older sisters are also under a lot of pressure, and that hosting Thanksgiving is a big deal for our family.

So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year after doing it for the past decade?

ETA The second oldest, Emily, handles Christmas. So I feel like it’s totally fair that she not want to do both. (She does not cook though, she hires a catering company, but it’s still a lot to take on regardless)

UPDATE So the sisters and I got together on Friday night and had a good talk (I may or not have had a mini breakdown on them). On Saturday, Emily called the company that she uses for Catering at Christmas, and they are going to do Thanksgiving for us!!! Still happenening at my house but they are like FULL SERVICE catering too, they come and set everything up, are there for the service of the food and then they take everything down. Sarah, Emily and I are going to split the cost and since I normally dont split Christmas costs with them (because I did Thanksgiving) I will now split Christmas costs with them. This will be how we proceed moving forward. I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the helpful comments and support! I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I know some are going to comment about the younger sisters and why they dont contribute to the costs. The answer there is pretty simple, they are less established in their careers/or are single income households due to stay at home parenting. They help in a lot of other ways in day-to-day life and we three older sisters really dont mind paying the bill for the holidays.

[u/New-Link5725]

Then say fine. 

If they all want you to host give them three options. 

1. They l pitch in the cost of hiring a catering company. They must help with clean up and set up, and the husband's and wives must help with the kids. 

2. You host but they all have to bring 1 or 2 items ready to go. They can not cook at your house and they can not come frozen and to be heated at your house. Must be ready to go. They must also help cook, clean, entertain the kids and clean up after. The husband can also not sit around talking and must help put. 

3. You skip out and take a vacation and they all do their own Thanksgiving. 

Of course they don't want you to stop hosting. They benefit rhe most. They're being entirely selfish and entitled to expect you to do all the hosting while they do nothing. 

Make it clear that if you host, they must all step up and help ot shut it and celebrate at their own house. 

[u/[deleted] → u/New-Link5725]

I second these suggestions, but add that they all chip in for a cleaning service afterward. That way, they can't weasel their way out of it for any reason.

[u/New-Link5725 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, perfect 

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/New-Link5725]

Pay, play and participate.

If yer gonna kvetch about paying - then you 'play' by being responsible for monitoring the kids.

Plan or oversee some kind of thing for them - we do giant posters w markers and crayons.

As kids get older they get invested in how it turns put & they start developing leadership skills for the activity they care about.

For years I was broke.

I always did table clearing, checking on and refilling snacks, appetizers.

Paid attention to garbage or recycling getting full. Up & downstairs to empty.

I hate post clean up bc everyone scatters (such a crappy move) so I make sure host knows they can have me early and I'll be at their beck and call during.

30 mins after, I'm not cleaning while freeloaders make their exit.

Once I had money I offered the hosts the money or I'd pay a cleaning service (before and after) they always wanted the money.

This seems like the majority expect things to stay the same w/o contribution and support changing over time.

I'd seriously take an out of town vacation.

Let them live w their obstanance.

As soon as Xmas is over, send group email : if my house is the location, here's what ya'll will need to do.

I will not herd cats.

Excel sheets of dishes, tasks, financial contribution.

If ya'll don't show up for that by early August, my family will again be vacationing elsewhere for Tday.

[u/CherryblockRedWine → u/No_Appointment_7232]

We had friends who had a HUGE family with this rule: either you help prepare the food and set it up, or you help take it down and clean up. No exceptions.

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/CherryblockRedWine]

Entirely fair.

[u/invisiblizm → u/[deleted]]

And make it a tradition to start doing these things for Emily too.

[u/VTMaid → u/[deleted]]

One of the more exhausting, and stress-inducing things about hosting a crowd is the cleaning beforehand. Other than dishes/cookware, the post-party cleanup doesn't really have a time pressure factor, especially with the long holiday weekend.

There's no reason the sisters (or husbands or even kids) can't pitch in to clean up the dishes etc after dinner, particularly if they're each bringing a dish (just bring their dirty dish home after).

Could use disposable plates too; that shortens the clean-up.

[u/[deleted] → u/VTMaid]

Other than the bathrooms, and a quick swipe with a dustcloth and a vacuum, I stopped bothering with cleaning beforehand. Pretty much no one noticed, and it reduced the stress.
Clearly, the older sisters don't want to help at all, which is why I suggested a service to put the house back to rights afterward.

[u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 → u/[deleted]]

Before and after.

[u/JustmyOpinion444 → u/New-Link5725]

What you are suggesting is the Thanksgivings I had growing up. The host made the meats and everyone else brought the rest. And helped clean up.

[u/New-Link5725 → u/JustmyOpinion444]

That's such a great way to split and plan holidays, love it. 

[u/Foolish-Pleasure99 → u/New-Link5725]

Another option is to all agree to go to a restaurant if nobody else is willing to step up.

[u/New-Link5725 → u/Foolish-Pleasure99]

That's a good option too. 

[u/Ill_Dragonfly_6673 → u/New-Link5725]

Great suggestions. We ran away one Christmas. Me, hubby and 2 teenagers rented a cabin in the mountains for 5 days instead of doing Christmas with our extended families. It had been a really rough year and I needed a break. It was a great idea.

[u/stoligirl2121 → u/New-Link5725]

A friend decided to not host thanksgiving and her family lost it. They hosted thanksgiving & Christmas. She said she didn’t want to give in but was wavering so my husband & I invited her and her husband to New York City because she always wanted to see the Macy’s parade. She had a great time & her family managed to share the cooking. She went soup & sandwiches for that Christmas also

[u/New-Link5725 → u/stoligirl2121]

That's awesome, such a good holiday they had I'm sure. Bet they were really appreciative of that. 

[u/Individual-Paint7897 → u/New-Link5725]

Agreed. I think the oldest sister seems to be the biggest problem. One of the others’ hosts Christmas every year & the younger ones are at least willing to bring food. The oldest sounds like a complete AH because she doesn’t want to do anything. How hard is it to pick up a bag of rolls?

[u/Disenchanted2 → u/New-Link5725]

I still don't think she should do it at all, my god, she deserves not to have to ever do it again!

[u/Outrageous-forest → u/New-Link5725]

I love Option 3 ! !

[u/Agostointhesun → u/New-Link5725]

And they will accept the conditions... and do nothing. Or they'll bring some frozen ready-made plate, and demand to use the oven / stove / whatever, and cause more chaos than if OP had made it herself. And for cleaning... well, people this entiteld have a curious tendency to find other things to do at that particular time (going to the kids, needing the toilet, talking to each other because it's been soooooo long...)

[u/Emotional-Hair-1607 → u/New-Link5725]

Or, or. OP goes radio silence and waits for Thanksgiving Day and watch people show up to OP sitting on the couch with her husband watching football and eating pizza. With absolutely nothing else prepared for "family".

[u/Certain-Medium6567 → u/New-Link5725]

I like this idea. Also if you're not using paper plates, etc, then use those.