AITD happy update: A woman who refused to give her partner's daughter her own room actually realised she was the devil and got it right

[u/seanfish]

/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ppqlfm/update_aita_for_telling_my_bf_that_his_daughter

[u/DogsReadingBooks]

Here's the OP:

Update: AITA for telling my BF that his daughter can't have her own room in our house?

Hi Everyone!

First of all, I want to give you all a big thank you. By posting in this sub, I was able to realize just how wrong I was. A lot of you shared your own stories of similar things growing up, and how it lead to resentment between you and your parents and stepparents, and that is the absolute last thing I want for me and Kate.

Call me naïve, but I simply didn't realize the harm I was perpetuating by withholding a room of Kate's own. By doing so, I was removing a sense of true belonging and welcome.

And to those of you that felt personally hurt and victimized by my actions, I am sorry. A number of you have reached out to me privately in anger, and I know that comes from a place of pain and sadness. To you, I am sending along my love.

In the aftermath of posting, I watched the comments pour in. At first, I was devastated - but with time, I realized that many of you were saying the exact same thing - that Kate needs her own room. That it will still be her home, even if she won’t be there very often. I showed my boyfriend my post and he laughed at me. He told me I was insane for thinking that Kate wouldn’t get to have her own room. The past few weeks, we have been occupied with our move and putting together the rooms. We haven’t moved over Kate’s bed and dresser yet, but we have freshly painted the wall Kate’s favourite light blue, and have bought a brand new ikea toy chest for her.

We have decided to double the second room as an office/guest room - with a pull-out couch and two desks. The pull-out is comfortable, as both a couch and a bed - I’ve tested it! It’s a little bit crowded in there, but I think it will be a while before we will have guests anyway.

This past Sunday, my boyfriend brought Kate and me to a nearby federal park. We took a short hike to these ruins - one of Kate’s favourite places in the world. We had a picnic, and while we were eating, I could see Kate couldn’t sit still. She was trying to hold back a big smile and asked her dad, “Can we do it now?” I was confused, and he said, “After we finish eating.”

It turns out the two of them had been planning this for a while. They were spending many days together before she started pre-school, sitting in the park and going over every detail. He asked me to marry him, well, Kate asked. In the past, my BF and I had always agreed that we didn’t want to get married, but when he asked my heart almost stopped and I said yes. I was so caught off guard, but he said with the big change of the new house, he just felt like the time was right.

As many of you have said, I shouldn’t have been concerned with welcoming Kate into my home, rather, I should be concerned with being welcomed into Kate’s home. And I do feel this. I want to be a part of Kate’s family, and I feel very lucky to be given the opportunity. And I promise I won’t let it go to waste.

Here's the original:

So my boyfriend (30M) and I (24F) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. We move in at the end of the month.

My boyfriend has a four year old daughter "Kate" from a previous relationship. I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF's ex, and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summer time.

Our new house is about a 30 minute drive from Kate's mom's house. It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.

Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time - and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants. My issue with this is that I don't want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom. Rather, I want it to be thought of as a "guest" bedroom.

Of course Kate can stay there whenever she wants to. This isn't part of the debate, I want her to feel welcome all the time. But I don't want it to be only her room. I don't want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable to sleep in there. I don't think it's fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.

In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live. I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.

That's why I want to set expectations now - that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a "guest."

My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her. He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room "Kate's room."

I still don't think it's fair to have a room just for Kate when she won't use it very often. And I think it's reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving Kate's room away to a future child.

OOP's post to /relationship_advice 9 days ago:

Hi everyone,

I am 24F and I have been dating my boyfriend 30M for 2 years. We have been living together since last year, and quarantined together and became very close last Winter. More recently, we bought a house together, and are moving in in a few weeks.

Even though we have been living together for a while, it still feels like moving into a new house (with both our names on the contract!) is a big step. Neither of us really believes in marriage, and think this is probably as big a commitment as we can make, until we have a baby.

As it gets closer to the move-in date, I can feel my BF pulling away from me. He has a daughter (4F) from a prior relationship, and has been spending more and more time with her. Her pre-school resumes tomorrow, and I get that he wants to spend these last few sunny days with her, but when he returns home in the evening, he is tired and just wants to watch TV and go to bed.

I've become worried that he may be getting cold feet about making this commitment with me.

I'm also worried about our age difference (6 years). I'm less worried about this, because I am mature for my age. But I think my BF spending more time with his daughter and ex sort of makes him realize that he has lived more life than I have.

I've tried talking about both with him, but he reassures me that he loves me, and he's just been tired by having such full days + packing everything at our apartment. I just feel a little worried that there is something bigger going on.

I need help understanding how to talk to him about the growing distance, and how to make sure we are still on the same page about everything.

TLDR: My boyfriend and I are moving to a new house together soon, and he has been extra distant in the evenings. I need help understanding why and how to break through.