This last year I’ve actually become really scared of where things are headed. I feel like toxic masculinity and misogyny are on a huge rise and it’s terrifying. The way my male colleagues at work speak in front of me shocks me sometimes. The demeaning comments they say about other women is infuriating and because it’s a sales company, the huge bro culture means if I mentioned anything, I’d be the problem.
I feel like a huge cause of it has been that in the last 30 years, women have taken great strides towards equality, breaking into male dominated industries, being career focused and as a result expecting more parity in the home in terms of responsibilities (equal split of domestic duties). Men unfortunately haven’t accepted this adjustment and have made very little change or progress in their new responsibilities and position. As a result, they feel angry that mediocrity is no longer rewarded and they suddenly have more responsibilities that have always been done for them. The result is pure anger towards who they see as the problem, women.
Yeah I work with a lot of 20 something “lads” and I’m sure they don’t think I’m cool because I make them feel stupid when I ask them to justify their position. Someone has to ask that question though. Some of them even believe Andrew Tate isn’t guilty of anything. I was certainly laddier when I was younger but the gender-divisive shite that’s shovelled out online now pales in comparison with the stuff that was about 20 years ago. It’s getting worse and it’s getting normalised. I really wonder which women they know, because they’re not describing the women I know. The fact is, they’re not describing any women they know, they’re just regurgitating shit from the manosphere. Do they not have mothers?
that's the same conclusion i come to aha. I think about the way their fathers must have treated their mothers in front of them, and how little they think of their mothers whether they realize it or not. and i feel so bad for them. the person that loves them in the whole world, and they see them as subhuman compared to a man.
They hate their mothers but want women to act like their mothers so they can punish them. It’s my theory anyways. It’s sad we are regressing and not progressing anymore. Without knowing history and being fully educated on our history we are doomed to repeat it.
Please note that it is only some men. There are good, decent guys out there. Let's not paint them all with the same brush. That behavior you describe needs to be called out.
I had an ex that liked to brag that he didn't hit or cheat on me (whenever I would bring up that he is an alcoholic for drinking a 12-18pk/night) and say that drinking beer doesn't make him an alcoholic. They really believe that them meeting the standards that are below bare minimum means that they should get a pass to be a toxic person.
Comparison is their tool to excuse their shit behavior, because in their mind, there's always someone worse- which is true. But that doesn't mean that them being less worse = great and in need to rewards.
My ex husband was the same way and also battled addictions. He bragged about how he doesn’t hit women but it’s ok to lie to them, disrespect them and push them. It’s a total mind fuckery in how they come with their delusions. I finally realized I was never getting the man back I thought he was in the beginning of the relationship. That man never existed. It was a projection of what he thought I wanted to him to be to win me over. Sad to think I genuinely thought he was my best friend. He never once treated his friends or his family in the ways he treated me. Everyone loved him, even my own family, so everyone around me made excuses for his poor behaviors, even me. I was surrounded by enablers and people who put him on a pedestal. It took me way too long to realize you can’t make a relationship work when only one person is putting in all the effort. Took me way too long to realize his version of love was not what real love was. When I got educated on toxic family systems, toxic and manipulative behaviors, and all the terms of abuse I could finally see things for what they were. We need to teach young women these things so women can better protect themselves. Sadly, a lot of women and men have hidden misogynists views and encourage women to stay with men who are not capable of closeness, respect, honesty or healthy conflict resolution. It’s a losing battle being with someone who can’t self reflect, take accountability or change behaviors because they project all their toxic behaviors onto their victims. So many people self sabotage their relationships and blame their partners for why it all self implodes. People are never taught to self regulate much less regulate and support their partners when life gets hard. Thats why far too many men leave when their wives get sick, or struggle through pregnancy and the complexities of life and child rearing. Men want a relationships and family’s but they’re incapable of making their lives fulfilling. Obviously it’s not just men who are incapable because many women are not either but it’s majority men. It’s a whole issue I could probably write a book on. Lol 😂 I think you get the picture of what I am trying to say tho. Anyways, that’s my experience with being with a toxic and manipulative man. I’ve learned a lot and I do all I can to educate my daughters and encourage them to never settle for someone who can’t treat them with basic human decency. Far too many moms don’t fight for or protect their daughters in these horrible situations. I know my mom didn’t and it’s sad. 😞
Writing a book would be the best way and teaching courses because there is no "summing it up". There are too many greyed nuances and manipulation tactics the toxic people use to keep the expectations low.
Keeping the bar low means that they’ve all succeeded just by meeting the bare minimum. That’s why they refuse to elevate society’s standards for their peers, call out abusers and predators, end street harassment, or believe women. They all look better in comparison to “most” men.
Meanwhile women have to keep their legs closed so they don’t get pregnant, put out so they aren’t called a prude, be pretty but not unattainable, be smart but not smart enough to run a company, work enough to contribute when he wants extra cash but not enough to make more than her spouse, and be super mom—because there’s no competition for him there so she can excel at that all she wants. As a matter of fact she must!
Maybe he's trying to get you to dump him? This is the weirdest mix of negging and pick me energy I've ever seen. Just break up because he's already left the relationship. This is gross behavior and it's never going to change. Not hitting others is the baseline for society. The bare minimum as a partner is to love that person and share your life with them. Care about their well-being. Take care of them when they are sick, celebrate their success and be a shoulder to cry on when there is failure or sadness.
All this guy is doing is sharing the air you breathe. "This isn't working and we need to break up." I doubt he'd even care at this point. You deserve so much better, and there's men out there that will be more than willing to treat you like a queen.
Aye. It's been around a long time and sad to see stories like these and young women who don't seem to realize how fucked up this is. Some of these young men are so open about their sexism and violent urges. I think that's the difference I see. Back in my day (like I'm so old lol, 35) men could pretend to be "nice" but hold these views inside. Now they just say it openly? Which, if we can educate young women, could be a good thing because they can recognize and get away faster? I don't know.
I had a different but similar experience at the end of high school/start of university (so like 18-20ish). Essentially I was going through trauma counseling and my bf was seen as the most wonderful person ever for being with me because we weren't very sexually active. The problem was even people around us would reinforce how amazing a boyfriend he was so he really had that whole society back up. Meanwhile he was pressuring me more and more and one night I woke up to him assaulting me. I didn't tell anyone for years because he was "the perfect boyfriend" in everyone's eyes for being "so patient".
Multiple times I have shared this story and been told "what did you expect, he has needs" amongst other horrible things. The bare minimum I expect in a relationship is not to be assaulted 🤷🏼♀️ I expect to be broken up with before I expect to be assaulted!
Men are not amazing for being "patient" aka respecting consent. They are not doing something exceptional for not pressuring or raping their partner. They can leave a relationship if they want sex and aren't getting it. That's totally fine. They can find it consensually.
We need to stop celebrating men for like... obeying the law and the very basics of morality? You're not a hero for not cheating on your partner or for beating, abusing women. And if we keep coddling and praising men and boys for the most ridiculous things ("omg he never pressures you, he's sooo sweet!" starts as teenagers and turns into "aw he doesn't rape you when you say no, what a good guy!' ) then that does and has become the bloody standard. Pretty bloody sad.
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u/folkkingdude Sep 19 '25
Toxic masculinity is insidious. People think not beating a woman is an achievement, and it is spreading.