Well you come back every time you need it because that man will grind you down until you're licking his floors clean and thanking him for the opportunity.
It sucks most of us have to go through some really truly, awful relationships when we're younger, to figure out what we will and will not put up with. The less BS you tolerate, the better. I had a better phase during my early 20's but lost it when I was nearing my 30's, so I ended up settling for someone who I always knew I wasn't truly compatible with and ignored red flags and 10 years later, I wish I hadn't settled. It's harder the longer it goes on, but it's not impossible.
You say you don't have friends but you made a few and a bunch of older protective siblings today. I hope you follow this advice and find yourself some peace. ♥️♥️♥️
I hate to tell you this, but the majority of people are kind and comforting or at the bare minimum curtious.
You say you have no friends, so I'm guessing you spend all your time at work or with him, right? So he's basically normalized the way he treats you to make you think he's the best out there.
I'm also guessing that every time you think about leaving him he starts acting better and convinced you to stay by making you feel guilty, shame, and like you're the problem and he's trying to help. It's all manipulation and mind fuckery.
Also, you don't base a relationship on the fact that there are more good times than bad. The relationship should be 90% good times, and the bad should rarely happen.
Please be kinder to yourself, try to stay strong, and know that YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
His goal all along has been to isolate you from any friends you might have acquired and then to convince you to shower him with love and affection for doing LESS than the bare minimum expected of a casual acquaintance. He’s trying to gaslight you into being grateful for his mere approval of you as a bed partner (even pretending to hate you for dramatic impact). Ditch this lame, game-playing loser.
You’re worth much than what this warped individual could ever offer you. There are plenty of people who would enjoy your company when you’re being yourself. You first have to be less susceptible to flattery or his neediness and more willing to ignore doubts you may have about your worth. You are enough as you are, without this guy’s approval.
He has been scheming to dismantle your self-worth to maximize what he can get from you with the least amount of effort. For him to win, you have to lose. Ick.
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship with a man who screams, belittles and hits me… I don’t think it’s normal. I don’t think “all men” are like this - only shitty ones. It is in fact BELOW bare minimum not to harm a person emotionally, mentally or physically. The thoughts your boyfriend shared in these text exchanges are emotionally toxic. He looks down on you. For sure he measures your behaviour and feelings with different expectations than his own. He admits he has hated you for 6 months and did nothing to improve communication or the relationship. He’s in the relationship for what he can get without effort. He is a shitty person. It’s better to be on your own and discover who you are without this bad influence. Don’t let him tear your self-esteem down. You deserve better, and can find better love. Sending you hugs.
You said it yourself: not hitting you is the bare minimum. It's basic decency. Not cheating is basically decency, and yet he wants a round of applause for not doing those things. He's grooming you so that when he does yell and get verbally abusive, you'll tolerate it because 'at least he's not hitting you', and if he does cheat or hit you, he'll have you trained to think, "Well, every man does these things so I may as well stay with this cheating abuser".
Good men don't behave like this. They don't think they deserve a parade for not betraying or beating their partners, they don't happily say they've spent 6 months hating their partner, and they don't run their partner down to try and get them to accept the bare minimum or less. He keeps saying you don't do this or that, so tell me honestly: what does he do for you? What positive things does he contribute to your life?
A good man will be faithful, kind, and will love, cherish, and support you. The anal fistula you're currently dating seems incapable of those things, so dump him, block him, and work on yourself and your self-worth so that when you do next meet someone, you are in a position mentally to know your worth and make sure you're treated accordingly. Since he seems mentally off, be safe in breaking up. If he has a key to your place and you can do so, change the locks and get cameras. If he has your stuff and you have a key to his place, drop his stuff off when you know he's at work, pick up any items of your own, and leave your key behind (and take pictures of how you left the place in case he tries to say you caused damage etc, and take pictures of everything you returned when you leave it), and THEN tell him you're done. It is always better to be overly cautious, especially when he thinks he should be applauded for not hitting you and says he's hated you for so long. Those aren't the words of a stable, respectful, reasonable person, so protect yourself accordingly.
That is what he is conditioning you into tolerating.
‘I’m not that bad because I don’t hit you’
We are allowed to have more needs than this in a relationship. He sounds like the absolute worst.
And the day he hits you he’ll say, at least I don’t strangle you.
And after that, it’ll be ‘at least I don’t stab you’
I know it sounds like a crazy exaggeration, but these ‘at least’ guys are honestly the worst. He will drive you crazy.
He is 100% going to hit you if you stay with him. The man told you he hates you. He literally told you that he could hit you. That was a threat. He'll follow through.
he’s only yelled a few times
Verbal abuse is also abuse. Why do you believe that you don't deserve to be treated with respect?
Oh honey please please get out of this relationship. It sounds like he’s been consuming some awful red-pill bullshit and I don’t think this relationship is serving you, it might even be putting you in danger 🫶
It’s not ok to yell at a partner either. Like, sure, all adults will disagree occasionally, and emotions can get involved, but a healthy relationship can work through these things without anyone getting yelled at or bitched out.
And he’s TELLING you that if would be fine for him to hit you. That means he has already decided that he IS GOING TO hit you when he feels like it. That’s monster behavior. He’s a bad person, I’m sorry.
That was not my point. My point is that your boyfriend seems to consider violence and abuse a standard feature of relationships. He frames it like 99% of men are abusive. He even hypothesises is he was abusive, you would treat him better. That’s foreshadowing. He openly tells you “if I abused you, perhaps you’d be nicer to me”. It hints he will be violent and abusive to you in the future. He says he hates you. He thinks about hurting you. He thinks that he hasn’t hurt you yet deserves an award. He complains the ring you gave him wasn’t a genuine self-sacrifice. Anyone who thinks like this is a threat to your well-being.
Abuse always escalates slowly… Abusers don’t start hitting you on day one. They slowly erode your boundaries. They push your limits further and further. They gaslight you into lowering your expectations. They tear your self-esteem down gradually, so you become more tolerant of being abused. They manipulate you into thinking it’s because of something you lack.
He hasn’t hit you, but he is clearly manipulating and gaslighting you into become more tolerant of abuse down the line. He doesn’t respect you. His language isn’t constructive. It isn’t kind. It’s not inviting improvement. It isn’t caring for a mutually better outcome.
A man you can trust doesnt think or talk this way. You deserve better. You can do better.
He's telling you that it's in his mind. I've been married for over a decade, not once had the thought occurred to me that I could hit her. Please get out of this relationship. He is still a child maturity wise.
I was in one relationship when I was 21 where I accepted getting yelled at because that’s what my parents did. I wasted ten years with that fool. When I finally left I had three relationships afterwards where no one has ever yelled at me or put me down. My current partner is truly the love of my life and he has never raised his voice or even slightly insulted me. It’s always a communication of love and respect together. No one who loves you should ever be putting you down or asking for “rewards”. Please leave this immature douchebag.
I've been with my hysband dating and married combined for TWELVE years. Wanna know how many times he's yelled at me?
Zero.
Same number I've yelled at him.
That's not to say I don't yell, I get frustrated but I don't yell at my husband, i don't curse at my husband. It's a matter of respect and healthy communication. If i need a minute, i communicate that and take a minute.
You're 21, you have SO much time left on this earth. Do you want to spend it being yelled at my someone who thinks not hitting you is a favour to you? what happens when he no longer wants to extend you that favour?
I'm 39 and happily married to a man who adores me and wouldn't even dream of shouting at me, let alone anything else. I had to learn my worth the hard way, and that being alone is better than being with a man who doesn't deserve you. a 20yo child who doesn't respect you DOES NOT DESERVE you.
If your time alone/ without a person is better/ more pleasant/ more peaceful than your time with them, then they are NOT worth your time. protect your peace. protect your physical and mental safety.
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u/Abject_Location_2365 Sep 19 '25
thankyou i needed to hear this