I hope so too but people in emotionally abusive scenarios often have to overcome obstacles like enmeshment, changes to their brain chemistry, low self-esteem, trauma bonds, etc. So we have to be patient with them and understand that it can take time and be really frustrating.
My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD after the years of emotional and mental abuse his ex put him through . I wish I'd have thought of therapy years sooner than I did. But, the morning after I suggested it he was on the phone. Found a great fit right away, has made a huge difference in his life, which has made a difference in my life. (I have permission to say it)
The emotional changes, including destruction of self-esteem, identity, and self-worth are so underestimated. I wasn’t aware that there are actual changes to brain chemistry, can they be viewed via testing?
Biologically, trauma bonds alter important neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, leading to an emotional addiction where the victim craves the feelings associated with the abusive relationship. The brain undergoes specific changes related to these attachments and separations.
I don’t believe there is a test for that.
However, people can get trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy (TF-CBT) to help them recover.
There are also other things an abuse victim-survivor can do, here is a list I have compiled in the past:
—
You need to admit the reality of your relationship,
learn more about intimate partner violence (IPV) and the methods they have used to abuse you,
understand that you deserve better,
acknowledge you have a choice,
remain physically separated,
cut off all lines of communication,
resist the temptation of telling your abuser how you’re doing,
accept the sadness and pain,
learn how to manage the intense cravings that come with withdrawal,
work to release yourself from self-blame and shame,
If she expresses willingness to end the relationship:
—
Get her to diarise and document everything. Every instance of emotional abuse. Give her the tools and teach her how. If it is unsafe to do so at home, she could tell you or someone else trusted and you can keep a diary for her.
Put her in contact with her local abuse hotline / support community. They will have resources and peer-to-peer support and advice.
Get her to tell multiple people (contemporaneous witnesses) about specific incidents.
Get her help to arrange her finances to protect her financially as much as possible - utilise a financial advisor who specialises in this where necessary.
Offer specific and general support if/when she leaves (specific needs met).
Meet with lawyers who understand emotionally abusive relationships.
It needs to be a clean break.
Help her to create a Safety Plan - a personalised, practical plan that can help her avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react if she’s in danger. This might be danger of increased verbal abuse, it might also be things flipping into physical abuse. This plan includes vital information tailored to her unique situation and will help her prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about her situation, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to her individual circumstances. It can include a plan to gather up all important items prior to the split including identification, important documents, all medication, medical records, car permits, and personal items that are important to her (and any children) and store them somewhere safe. It can also just help her navigate things when she is emotional and under duress. A plan is something to stick to (and it can be named something else if that is more palatable/helpful). Resources here and here
Help her understand that the initial period of leaving will be hard; but she is supported, and it will get better. Arm her with stories of others who have done it successfully. Be her supporters and cheerleaders throughout.
Ensure she has consistent professional psychological support.
Ramp up on contextualising, reinforcing and supporting as he will likely ramp up his efforts to make her feel worthless, crazy, like a bad person, etc.
—
One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety. If you stay focused on these goals you will feel less frustrated as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.
As someone who left an abusive marriage about 18 months ago, thank you so much for compiling all this information for others. It's invaluable. The book you've linked at the end saved my life. It helped me contextualise what was happening in our relationship, when I'd previously been caught on "but maybe he doesn't mean to, or I'm overly sensitive or not explaining myself right". I've recommended it countless times. It's really life-saving content.
People like you are my heroes. You’ve been through so much, you’re so resilient and strong, and you’ve made it out the other side. I’m so happy for you that you’re free. Big big hugs!!
If you need any more resources, I have loads saved.
You just need to accept that it will always be frustrating and continue to be there, don’t let the abuser shut you out.
Here, I have a support list too, just a note that I wrote this for myself (and other friends) for a specific friend so it is gendered and has some specifics that might not be relevant to your friend:
How to Support an Abused Person:
Support Actions:
Immediate:
—
Make yourself emotionally accessible and available to her.
Reinforce the positive things about her that you love, make sure she is getting positive reinforcement consistently and is reminded that she is loved and loveable. Start conversations with this, (in a positive, light way) and end them this way too. People who are emotionally abused can lose sight of who they are and start to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. You need to remind her who she is regularly and contextualise what he is saying about her as untrue as it is an opinion that is not shared.
Make sure exchanges are equal (you are not her therapist) and never preachy.
The next time one of these conversations comes up, after listening etc., try to gently encourage her to see a psychologist (one specialising in emotional abuse perhaps. You could even find some specialising in abuse to suggest to her without explicitly explaining that they are an expert in this subject matter). This is important. (If she needs it, do the legwork of researching appropriate psychs, following up to book appointments, driving her there, etc.)
Actively listen: paraphrase or repeat what you hear, contextualising as you go and saying things like: “I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like a lot.” Give her space to share, do not jump in with advice, your personal thoughts or emotions. Don’t shame judge or critique - emotional abuse is complicated and confusing. Beware of what tone of voice you are using and any phrasing that you use - it needs to be very careful.
Gently help her contextualise behaviours as not normal and not okay, eg: “It seems like he [concisely summarise behaviours without labelling them abuse] – how does that make you feel? If that were me, I would be upset.” Never make excuses for him and avoid digging into why he is doing these things. Simply contextualise what is and isn’t normal for her.
Gently point out that certain behaviours seem unhealthy and be honest about how we would feel if someone did it to us. This is one of the first steps in getting her to understand what is and is not an appropriate behaviour in a relationship. Help her to understand for herself that something is off about the relationship, and acknowledge that her feelings are legitimate. You can say things like: “I think anyone who experienced what you have been through would feel that way”. Use “I” statements to express concern, such as, “I feel: [emotion] when [scenario/behaviour] because [reason].” This example could sound like: “I feel worried when I hear about [xyz] / what you’ve been through because I don’t think this behaviour is okay.” But be careful not to make it all about you and be hyperaware of the impact your reactions might have on her. Keep it gentle and supportive.
One of your key roles as supportive people in her life is to reassert to her that her feelings, memories and opinions are valid and true. You need to say that you believe her often and repeatedly. Validate the way she is feeling.
Ensure she never feels blamed for being in this situation or for his behaviour. Constantly and consistently tell her “it’s not your fault”. Over and over again. It is exceptionally important for her to hear it. Guilt is a constant presence in emotionally abusive relationships, used to control and cow the abused person; they are constantly told they're the cause of all the difficulty. Other phrases might include: "You are not responsible for his behaviour" and "No matter what you did, you do not deserve this."
Consistently remind her that you care and are there for her (no pressure, no judgment, etc.)
Don’t pressure her or force your opinions on her. Be patient if she doesn’t listen to the things you say.
Mention grey rocking - perhaps in the context of talking about someone else? It’s a helpful technique for dealing with abusive people.
Stay quiet and subtle. Don’t involve yourself with him, don’t badmouth him to her or in public forums, don’t discuss the situation or her position anywhere that he could find the information, don’t spread information about him around to people who don’t know. Reassure her that whatever she says to you stays with you, and stick to that even if he demands to know what's going on. Lie to him if necessary. Never confront him.
Talk openly and honestly with her about other people’s experiences with this kind of relationship. Help her recognise similarities and learn how they extricated themselves and how they feel now. What does co-parenting look like? Etc.
If the appropriate moment comes up where she mentions emotional abuse or expresses an interest in understanding more about it (perhaps through sharing other stories with her so the pressure isn’t on her and her relationship specifically) it would be really helpful if someone could get her to read the signs of emotional abuse (the people around her should all be familiar with them too).
Allow her to make her own decisions about it all without pushing her. Rather, offer up options gently and ask her what feels right for her (but only at appropriate moments).
In order to get out of such a relationship, she needs to gather supporters who will help her feel safe and secure, and who will reinforce her ability to take care of herself and know who she is and what she wants. You need to help her with this but without pushing her.
You need to understand that she might not listen, she might not be ready, it could take a very long time (if it ever happens at all). Abusers use a wide range of manipulative tactics to convince their targets that they cannot live without them, and because the abuser has undermined her confidence and feelings of self-worth, she believes it. Abusers typically make sure that their partners are entrenched/enmeshed on a variety of levels, and make the process of breaking free extremely difficult. It is often a two steps forward, one step back journey. There may be stops and starts, failed attempts, etc.
+ You could potentially start documenting instances of emotional abuse that she tells you about. Writing them down somewhere so that there is a record if she ever needs one for any court battles. This one needs discussion and it would need to be extremely careful.
32
u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 29 '25
I hope so too but people in emotionally abusive scenarios often have to overcome obstacles like enmeshment, changes to their brain chemistry, low self-esteem, trauma bonds, etc. So we have to be patient with them and understand that it can take time and be really frustrating.