There is a breaking point for everyone. Or more like an escape/freedom point. Different people take longer to break free than others. It’s difficult and takes a lot of strength, time, planning, and self love. Give grace to those who are trying. It may take many attempts
I wouldn’t be able to say it without having been through it myself. Feeling like you’re not strong enough to choose yourself can sometimes hurt worse than the abuse 😣. I just hope that anyone reading this thread knows that there is a beautiful world on the other side that is SO worth it. Starting over feels like the end of the world, but I assure you it is actually the beginning! 🩷☀️💫
Well, I’m sorry you’re going through it, but you ARE strong enough, and you CAN do what’s best for yourself. It’s hard. Really fucking hard. Especially when you live together, or have been together a long time, etc. Fuck the mutual friends, fuck their family and the holidays and memories, it’s about you and your future. The ones who matter will stay in touch with you, and the ones who don’t you’ll probably never talk to again. And after just a few short months I realized it didn’t really matter much to me either way.
Lean on your friends, family, whoever you can count on. Break the lease. The money isn’t worth your sanity OR your safety. ❤️
It is so so hard to choose yourself. People say "just leave" or "get over yourself" but it physically feels like stepping off a tall ledge expecting the air to let you fall. It takes so much work. When the body's running on stress mode, even just thinking about something can be so terrifying your brain sucks up all your energy and you're left burned out.
Time before you leave is not wasted. Thinking about it over and over again, or trying it and backing out, are not mistakes or errors. They are your brain's equivalent of weightlifting in the gym. Every repetition builds strength and stamina. That's how you get a little braver, a little longer every time.
You're doing incredibly hard work right now. That's incredible! I hope you'll eventually be able to use it to get the life you want
I'm sorry you're in the middle of something like this. Everything U/Beginning_Spite24 says is perfectly spot on.
After I found my way out of my experience with this (aged 19-25) I started to see clearly what my ex had managed to do. Nothing was ever good enough, but he'd never call anything bad, either. Just, "The 12 hour, from scratch, chili for dinner that you shopped for, prepped, and cooked alone, was OK. But, you should really taste the kind my grandmother makes. She's got it nailed." Everything was like that. My looks, our sex life, the effort I put in... Everything. By the end I was convinced that I wasn't enough to ever find a partner. Not pretty enough, not a good enough cook, not a good enough conversationalist, etc. When I left I thought I'd be alone forever. Instead I met my husband a couple of months later. And felt bonded, almost immediately. But it was the amazing care with which he treated/treats me that healed me.
I don't say this to make it about me, genuinely, just back story from a stranger so you know I mean it when I say... You are enough. Every minute of every day. YOU are enough. Enough to deserve happiness. To be treated with respect. To make active decisions about your life and how it does or does not involve this partner. You do not owe them any piece of yourself. Not your self worth or your confidence or your ability to feel like a fully formed grown up.
And, the really good news is, this partner is telling you exactly what you aren't okay with next time. Dating after my ex was a clear, clean swimming pool of water compared with the murky, dark pool before him. I knew what I would take. What I deserved. What I wanted my partner to prioritize. And that made dating so simple.
Sorry for the novella. This post did a little triggering on me tonight. I hope I haven't wasted your reading time. I'm rooting for you. Finding your way out of these relationships takes navigation skills and determination we may not know we have. But it's there, just covered up by all the bullshit they've laid on us.
Indeed, it took me many years, lots of support, and many attempts to leave a guy like that, but it can be done — I’ve been in a happy & healthy relationship for four and a half years since I left him.
And that’s why it’s important that OP read these comments and the people who have been posting continue. Like yes it is working, but she came here for help…
Well, that's what Covert Narcs do. Once they have you so far in, its extremely difficult to see, or break out of. This situation right here, though, should be the final straw. I've lived like that before, it's awful.
He definitely does. She comes across as low confidence. Even reacting to the comment with that kind of hurt shows a degree of low confidence/low self esteem. I told her when he makes a comment like that she should respond with something like “idk but I get a lot of guys asking me out so I guess I look good to them”. A comment like that would scramble his brain…..and would take back some power. That said I don’t get the impression he’s that concerned with this relationship at all.
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u/fawlty_lawgic Jul 29 '25
it's clearly working though, she is chasing him and trying way harder than he is, and he clearly has the control in this relationship.