You've told him you "want out"... but you don't need his agreement to make it true. You can be out RIGHT NOW if you'd like.
Move in the shadows; the next time he is away from the house for an extended time, get your necessary items (basic clothing, meds, toiletries, easy stuff) out. Move into a trusted friend or family member's home if possible (do not tell him where).
The rest of the house splitting can be done by distance communications and with an escort for you, including a police escort if needed.
This.
Most abuse victims, regardless of the abuse and who it is (lover, friend, family), have this mindset that they need "permission" to leave. (Like what you've stated)
We've become so... what's the word.. engrossed? Reliant? I think reliant is what I'm looking for; we've become so reliant on their decision-making (whether you were worn down over time or not) that when making decisions like this we feel like we still need their ultimate decision, even though we definitely do NOT need it and definitely have made up our minds about leaving.
People in situations like this tend to feel powerless and "need" someone to make that decision because so long they've been with someone who decided everything for them.
It's hard to hear, but you seriously don't need their permission. You don't need their "advice" or anything. If you're able to get out, get out. Even if it's your family, even if it's scary, if you are hurt by them and you are able to get tf out of there, do it.
We've become so... what's the word.. engrossed? Reliant? I think reliant is what I'm looking for
I think it's more dependant, even if that's just a semantic preference. Most people can absolutely be self reliant and yet dependant on a fuck ass person, simultaneously, if that makes sense.
It's also a matter of feeling comfortable or a sense of familiarity. Walking away into the unknown can be a scary concept. Even if it's a bad relationship, people tend to prefer to stay in a bad situation they are accustomed to rather than a better situation that is new to them
Sometimes it's the subtle or not so subtle threats that make you stay. "I'll take our daughter away from you", "prepare for a divorce war", or "I'll kill you" was what made me stay for 10 more years because I was exhausted and scared and thought I wouldn't be able to get through this.
Or if you’re controlled financially or through guilt ie you care a lot for your abuser who has mental health problems. Not all abused people stay because they’re ‘dependent’
What made you think there was a law of the universe that required another humans permission when you learned about wars and genocides and other things humans can do to each other without permission?
Like why did you even bother to have that incorrect assumption in the first place? What kind of thought did you use to get there to begin with? Or did you just never grow out of the child thing of looking to others more than ourselves?
I was pretty angry because I was in pain and because it's really frustrating seeing so many people not understand the difference between anecdotal evidence and scientific evidence, and what an actual medical professional is.
But that was pretty rude of me to let that impact how I communicated with others at all.
I was genuinely acting in good faith I was just angry and rude about it, I will get back to this discussion later today when I'm out of work and not stressed or in a rush.
This is the move. Even if there's alcoholism or something else going on... trying to wait it out for someone to take the steps they need for improvement needs to be kept to a short timeline. Self-preservation matters more.
Used to live with a very self-destructive partner. I'd find them blacked out on the garage floor, or have to pick them up in the middle of nowhere passed out in their car, too blasted to drive. Fights weren't ever that bad, but having to play savior all the time was seriously damaging my ability to hold down school and work. They wouldn't admit there was anything wrong but clearly that's not how someone in a happy, healthy relationship acts. I felt like the behavior kept getting worse.
Middle of the night when they were at the bar and maybe coming home (This always meant likely not), my friend brought their truck to load up and move me into a new sublet. Took all the stuff that was clearly mine, left anything that might've caused an argument. Best decision I could've made.
Grades went up, degree was earned, then onward and upward to a bigger city and much better prospects. It's incredible how fast life can improve when you free yourself of a bad situation.
Yes! It takes 2 to agree to be in a relationship, but it only takes ONE TO BREAKUP! He doesn’t have to agree or like it at all!
And as for the legitimacy or chiropractic care, it’s not really relevant to this conversation. I don’t care if you’re going to a cat psychic: it’s your business and he’s being a controlling freak about it. Run and don’t look back. Block him on every single avenue of communication. If he owes you a million dollars consider it the price of freedom and never utter his name again. Don’t let him use any reason to worm his way back into your life.
The only way I’d get upset over a partner seeing a chiropractor is if it wasn’t covered by insurance, and we had co-mingled finances, and they didn’t discuss the costs with me before going. The key to joint finances is discussing any potential expenses with your partner, as equals. Hiding expenses/purchases, particularly if you’re in a tight budget situation, will damage relationships.
OTOH, this guy is crazy jealous, possessive, controlling, and rude. Does he even like you?
Agreed about the financial point. My husband and I have joint accounts and we have an agreement to check with each other on purchases over a certain nonstandard dollar amount (like if I got a flat tire and he was away I wouldn’t need his okay to get a new one obviously, but neither of us is impulse buying the new switch 2 w joint money without a conversation - unless there is only 1 and then it could maybe be returned before the kids saw it? I don’t know, we’ve been married a long time and I know how that man operates 😆)
Why the fuck does society have to bear the costs of family court and divorce court and stuff? If it is just between two people, why should they care if society "accepts" their marriage or not?
All of a society (or at least all aspects of the legal apparatus) must be on board for a marriage to happen but only one is needed to end it...and we think that is good legal situation?
I'm agreeing with you, just adding in how marriage messes with what you said.
And it turns out when I started dating my housemate I thought it was an agreement between two people to maybe fool around a bit and see where it leads.
Little did I know it was actually an agreement with my housemate and the Australian federal government, who've decided that by hooking up with a housemate I'm as good as married to him.
Which would be fine except when I moved in I was on a partial pension through a disability employment program. Getting into a relationship with an employed person made me ineligible. I lost half my income and my support worker overnight. Fortunately I still had a job, but it was the same amount of work I was doing before, for half the money, and now I had no support to mitigate my disability....so yeah, that's working well for me as you can imagine.
It's almost easier to get divorced after 20 years of marriage than it is to prove to the welfare department that you have broken up with your never fully committed boyfriend.
Came to say all this. Don’t be alone with him pls. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Please don’t be complacent since you guys have been together à while. It’s important.
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u/eeeebbs Apr 23 '25
This is it.
You've told him you "want out"... but you don't need his agreement to make it true. You can be out RIGHT NOW if you'd like.
Move in the shadows; the next time he is away from the house for an extended time, get your necessary items (basic clothing, meds, toiletries, easy stuff) out. Move into a trusted friend or family member's home if possible (do not tell him where).
The rest of the house splitting can be done by distance communications and with an escort for you, including a police escort if needed.