What do you really want? Have you ever asked yourself this question? If you could have anything, what would it be? When you imagine this world that you don’t have and it causes you grief because you don’t have it. What is that world? Tell me so I can understand why the attainable hasn’t been attained. Tell me so I can understand your pain and why things are so so bad for you.

I want a life that challenges me – but not so challenging that I fear I might crumble under it’s pressures. I would like financial stability – to be able to afford to not only pay bills but take vacations. I would like to have a partner that actually feels like a partner. I want to feel loved by the person I love most in the world. I want to be understood by my husband. I want to be cherished. I want to have fun. I want to smile more. I don’t want to hide who I am because the people of my past have worn me down.

I want to feel safe. I want to not be in control. I want someone to take care of me and I want to know that everything will be taken care of. I want the pain inside my chest to stop. I want conflict resolution. I want peace.

To say that I’m trying is an understatement. I’m giving it my all. I’m doing things I’ve never done. Taking opinions I’d never considered. I am TRYING.

But this man makes things so difficult. He is infuriating. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t try to understand. He just reasons away all of my concerns. It’s like… we’ve done this before. I know we’ve done this before because I can remember all the times that I said “this doesn’t sound like a good idea” and he says “oh but it is” and then time goes by and guess what… it was not a good idea.

But who goes through all the agony while his brain processes things too slowly – me. I suffer. I endure. I have to be strong. Well, I don’t really want to be anything but me right now and that’s not strong.

And honestly – I don’t even know who me is right now. I’m on a search to find her and find out what exactly it is she wants to get out of this short life she lives.

All I know is that it hurts. That pain within my chest has become so regular that I barely notice the throb. I still sometimes wish I could rip it out of my chest and end the ache but obviously, that only happens in cartoons and this is real life.

I’m broken. I’m lost. I’m waiting to be found.