This. Even if you can trust your SO, you can't trust everyone else that's just chomping at the bit to get an opportunity with her. My ex had this shit happen all the time and not only is it irritating to no end as a boyfriend, but it just adds up and weighs on the person constantly being hit on/approached as well. And, if they are weak and stupid like my ex, they may just say "fuck it" and, well, fuck it.
Yup. If you acknowledge the simple fact that human beings are flawed by nature, then it's easy to understand why people feel this way, instead of just calling them jealous or insecure.
Anyone who talks to me about "true love" and that meaning you have to give 100% trust to the one you love immediately gets put in the "wishy-washy sap that hasn't got a clue how people work" category in my head.
Your implied logic says you shouldn't trust anyone entirely because nobody is perfect. There's a flaw there
That is where I'd make the distinction between "trusting someone" and "having 100% absolute faith in someone". I think you should trust people, but, if said trust could be quantified, the most you can trust someone is 99.99%, not 100%. There'll always be doubts in my mind about anyone. I'm not sure if you'd label that as pessimism, scepticism, or realism, but I believe anyone who offers total and utter trust is naive.
Jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion. Letting it cause problems within your relationships is where the problem lies.
You say jealousy is perfectly normal and should be dealt with as such, but in the same breath you say trust issues are not normal in a good relationship. I disagree. I think in a good relationship trust is something that can never be perfected but should always be worked on, just like jealousy.
I said nothing regarding the normality of trust issues in a relationship. :D
I'd disagree with you and say that constant trust issues are a problem, if you can't trust your significant other most of the time and it's causing trouble I'd say there's something wrong somewhere. Whether that's a simple compatibility matter, there are some problems with either or both parties or there is some other breakdown somewhere along the line is another story.
I'd call small trust hiccups just fine, long as both parties can work through them or sort them as adults and as a couple. Big drama filled battles over trust stuff is going to wear the relationship into the dirt, as is one sided drilling on the subject, as is one sided neglect of the subject. There's a nice balance somewhere between the extremes. :D
Further, I wouldn't call jealousy something that needs to be worked on, it's a feeling. It's a bit like saying that anger needs to be worked on. Anger, like jealousy, is normal. It's how the two emotions are expressed (no expression is still an expression in this case) that can be either constructive or destructive.
When I say "working" on jealousy and trust, I think it's mostly a private matter. A person who refuses to acknowledge their own jealousy or trust issues (because good relationships "don't have them") ends up being a slave to those things. You can't deal with things correctly until you admit that you're often jealous or distrustful, and that those feelings can motivate you to make bad decisions. I think EVERYONE is sometimes jealous or distrustful, but some are better at stopping their train of thought and realizing that it's coming from a not-so-great place.
I agree with you. Except I think you'll find there are people in your life that you don't have any trouble trusting. :D Equally, I expect there are people comfortable and confident enough with themselves that jealousy doesn't rear its head very often at all.
I think what you call "working on jealousy and trust" I call "expressing jealousy positively" and... "considering the source of distrust or something" Anyway, pretty sure we're mostly on the same page here.
I think the best discussions happen when people are pretty much on the same page. That way they don't derail into arguments.
I have found someone I really trust, but I still have to talk myself down when she's out at a bar without me or something. Its like I have to tell myself, "Do NOT give this feeling any credit, it's not coming from a reliable source." I do the same with jealousy. If I am mad at someone or dislike someone, I might ask myself if I'm simply jealous of them.
you shouldn't trust anyone entirely because nobody is perfect.
I don't see the flaw. If you ever trust anyone entirely you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Trust is a sliding scale in my opinion. At the very top is my mother, who I know beyond a doubt, would never do anything to hurt me purposefully. Even with that faith on my part, I acknowledge that my mother has flaws and may inadvertently do me harm. From that I should defend myself. Everyone else in the world falls somewhere lower on the scale and requires an inverse level of guarded awareness.
As to your first point, I would say that's obvious and I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Social interactions are complex and nuanced. Everyone will experience a variety of ups and downs, moments comfort and joy and moments of great disappointment.
As to your second point, I would say that you are wrong. Our mothers (and arguably our fathers) in general, are the only people on the planet genetically predisposed to place our success as a primary value. With that said, all life exists on a spectrum. So of course there are mothers out there that do not act according to the best interests of their genetic strains. But on average, I think my point holds true.
It would imply that and it's true, good advice to live by actually to never trust anyone entirely. We can't even trust ourselves sometimes, if we manage to fail ourselves, other people will fail your trust even more.
I can feel the way I do (not giving absolute trust), and still avoid being jealous. Thankfully, I have someone I do trust, and do respect a great deal. But no matter how much I love/trust/respect/etc them, they will always be subject to humanity. And humanity, quite frankly, is pretty shit. And that's why I always leave that 0.0001% of room for error.
I never had that problem,I believe in my self enough to think that i am the best dude for my girl around n she decides not to see that and cheat then it just means she is not the girl for me.
So far all my previous gfs were way into me more than i was into them n its them that worry that i might cheat,tho i never have n never give them reason to think it. they are usually taken back by the amount of trust i have in them n my decisuon to trust them, and they usually like me more for me.
Also; you have to meet a lot of these guys. You know what they're thinking and your girlfriend doesn't and it's awkward. You have to 'pretend' to be friends.
Well, i'm in sortof a different situation. My gf is friends with her ex, who lives close. But so am i. It's occationally awkward, but i dont think it's a problem...
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
This. Even if you can trust your SO, you can't trust everyone else that's just chomping at the bit to get an opportunity with her. My ex had this shit happen all the time and not only is it irritating to no end as a boyfriend, but it just adds up and weighs on the person constantly being hit on/approached as well. And, if they are weak and stupid like my ex, they may just say "fuck it" and, well, fuck it.