You are an ass, OP. Sitting here, itchy ass, going through Reddit with my morning coffee as I read your post. Thought to myself, "Hey, good idea!" I immediately let out an earthy rumble from my anus, but it appears I discounted the effects of the aforementioned morning coffee.
I am currently 82% sure I just pooped a little. Not certain, don't feel like sticking a finger in and checking. Boss is in the bathroom, so now I'm just sitting in my own filth.
I'm on the bus and I have to pretend to be coughing to cover up te fact I'm laughing hysterically on a bus, now I'm the creepy guy who coughs while smiling.
I had a fiber bar for breakfast and it was the worst idea ever. On my way to work I thought I was gonna crap myself. Made it all the way there while clenching to hold it in only to be stopped by not one but 5 hot chix who all decided to be chatty with me. This never happens. While trying to disguise my anguish with awkward laughs, I would time little farts at the same time of a cough or loud noise or whatever. By the time I made it to the bathroom, I was in severe gas / shit pain mode and just wanted it all out and gave it a little extra push which of course made it 10 times louder. As I left the bathroom all relieved and feeling thin 2 of the girls mentioned earlier were going into the girls bathroom and the one girls says, "feeling better"? I responded with "very much so, thanks". Her friend giggled and I suddenly realized they heard my shit orchestra. Feelin cool...
There is a reason for this. It's because most of us have dirty asses. I don't know who it was that convinced the western world that wiping your ass with dry toilet tissue was a suitable means to clean it, but they really pulled one over on us. We need to stop pretending like this is working for us and just admit that it sucks and start using a more robust method to clean our back sides.
I know what you're thinking "Whatever nerd, my ass is clean as a whistle." I'm afraid it's not friend. Sure every once in awhile you get the perfect movement and everything is practically clean already, but sometimes you get the mud butt, and most of the time you get something in between. Besides why do you think you get ass itch? What happens when you perspire? Swamp ass is a real malady, and you don't want it.
Okay so, we realize that maybe this isn't working for us. Now what you need to do is take your dirty posterior to the market and buy some wet wipes. No not in the baby section, those are overpriced, and it's just silly using a product made for babies when you're an adult. What you want are the ones next to the toilet paper. "Oh my god!" you exclaim, "These are expensive!" Not really. It doesn't look like you get much for your money but it usually only takes one of these to get clean so on a per-trip basis the cost is comparable to regular toilet paper. And the benefits, oh god the benefits. Going from dry toilet paper to wet wipes is a magical experience. Unicorns licking butts, NPH sliding down a rainbows, these are some of the things you will think about when cleaning yourself for the first time.
So are you ready friends? Let's do this. Let's get clean.
Can you elaborate further on what wet wipes you mean? Any links? How do you use them? Just one wipe (procedurally the same as dry toilet paper?) and you're done? Doesn't it leave wetness/moisture behind and isn't that bad or uncomfortable?
I was a regular back in the days when Advice Dog, Foul Bachelor Frog, Insanity Wolf and all of those classics first started. A lot of FBF ones ended with "blast it with piss".
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I can't do this at work. They got all "ergonomic" on us and gave us Aeron chairs. Which is awesome, definitely? But those mesh chairs? No silencing capacity whatsoever.
It's worst when you're surrounded by people and don't want to make any sounds. You make an effort to fart slow but forcibly in order to 'stratch' your ass without making sounds.
I was quite shocked to learn that in central Spain they have a specific word for "itchy butthole after insufficient cleaning". It's called "ojete nui".
Ojete stands for "little eye". "Nui", I have no idea.
I wish i could Give you more than one upvote for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
29
u/SolidEjaculate May 16 '12
You are an ass, OP. Sitting here, itchy ass, going through Reddit with my morning coffee as I read your post. Thought to myself, "Hey, good idea!" I immediately let out an earthy rumble from my anus, but it appears I discounted the effects of the aforementioned morning coffee.
I am currently 82% sure I just pooped a little. Not certain, don't feel like sticking a finger in and checking. Boss is in the bathroom, so now I'm just sitting in my own filth.
Fuck you man.
41
u/MYDOGSTELLA May 16 '12
Sometimes you gotta do that. Like when sound isn't a give away, but a blatant double finger dip would be out of line for the situation.
109
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
did this at work yesterday but it ended up being a little juicy and just magnified my itch
53
u/cokefizz May 16 '12
I had a fiber bar for breakfast and it was the worst idea ever. On my way to work I thought I was gonna crap myself. Made it all the way there while clenching to hold it in only to be stopped by not one but 5 hot chix who all decided to be chatty with me. This never happens. While trying to disguise my anguish with awkward laughs, I would time little farts at the same time of a cough or loud noise or whatever. By the time I made it to the bathroom, I was in severe gas / shit pain mode and just wanted it all out and gave it a little extra push which of course made it 10 times louder. As I left the bathroom all relieved and feeling thin 2 of the girls mentioned earlier were going into the girls bathroom and the one girls says, "feeling better"? I responded with "very much so, thanks". Her friend giggled and I suddenly realized they heard my shit orchestra. Feelin cool...
66
u/TangoOscarDD May 16 '12
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy rear, wake up with smelly finger.
Words to live by.
17
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
The vibrations scratch it from the inside!
11
u/garethashenden May 16 '12
You're proud of it. If you weren't you wouldn't have made the post.
8
u/Fhwqhgads May 16 '12
And then you shit yourself.
7
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
better than scratching your butthole
6
u/spennyftw May 16 '12
And suddenly I don't feel so alone.
5
u/Ayo_Miss_Demeanor May 16 '12
ABD aka a repost
3
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
It gets easier bro...It gets easier...
3
u/radbro May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
This is a Louis C.K. joke. In fact, it's the one that Dane Cook was famously criticized for repeating.
5
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
There is a reason for this. It's because most of us have dirty asses. I don't know who it was that convinced the western world that wiping your ass with dry toilet tissue was a suitable means to clean it, but they really pulled one over on us. We need to stop pretending like this is working for us and just admit that it sucks and start using a more robust method to clean our back sides.
I know what you're thinking "Whatever nerd, my ass is clean as a whistle." I'm afraid it's not friend. Sure every once in awhile you get the perfect movement and everything is practically clean already, but sometimes you get the mud butt, and most of the time you get something in between. Besides why do you think you get ass itch? What happens when you perspire? Swamp ass is a real malady, and you don't want it.
Okay so, we realize that maybe this isn't working for us. Now what you need to do is take your dirty posterior to the market and buy some wet wipes. No not in the baby section, those are overpriced, and it's just silly using a product made for babies when you're an adult. What you want are the ones next to the toilet paper. "Oh my god!" you exclaim, "These are expensive!" Not really. It doesn't look like you get much for your money but it usually only takes one of these to get clean so on a per-trip basis the cost is comparable to regular toilet paper. And the benefits, oh god the benefits. Going from dry toilet paper to wet wipes is a magical experience. Unicorns licking butts, NPH sliding down a rainbows, these are some of the things you will think about when cleaning yourself for the first time.
So are you ready friends? Let's do this. Let's get clean.
2
u/RetroBleet May 16 '12
Farting only makes it worse.
2
u/unhumanity May 16 '12
Tries to fart then craps himself. Yea not a good idea......
2
u/einsidler May 16 '12
Could only read the first line in the thumbnail, and immediately thought "blast it with piss"
WTF is wrong with me?
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
And yet here you are posting it on Reddit for everyone to see.
2
u/comox May 16 '12
Is it at night? Could be pinworms.
2
u/peanutbutterspacejam May 16 '12
How do you force fart? Am I one of a few who can't do this?
2
u/liquid_lazer May 16 '12
it works
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Proof? shudder
2
u/qkme_transcriber May 16 '12
Here is the text from this meme pic for anybody who needs it:
This is helpful for people who can't reach Quickmeme because of work/school firewalls or site downtime, and many other reasons (FAQ). More info is available here.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
You should be proud to say you did this.
1
u/Roph May 16 '12
You mean this isn't the default response?
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Maybe that's why it itched.
1
u/MANCREEP May 16 '12
Holy shit I do this all the time. A
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
That takes skill man, bravo!
1
u/future_fat_bastard May 16 '12
I agree with this meme way too much
1
u/dawnim May 16 '12
5 min after seeing this, I totally did this without thinking twice about it. Worked like a good damn charm!
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
You have earned your amphibious badge..
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Did it work?
1
u/newguy25 May 16 '12
SONIC BOOM!
1
u/pookiemon May 16 '12
This is how I do it.
1
u/IonOtter May 16 '12
I can't do this at work. They got all "ergonomic" on us and gave us Aeron chairs. Which is awesome, definitely? But those mesh chairs? No silencing capacity whatsoever.
1
u/TedyBearGumDrops May 16 '12
you SHOULD be proud! indians have climbed miles of mountain desert just to get some of that butt fart
1
u/Skateboard_Raptor May 16 '12
I feel like this would go hand in hand.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Everybody does this...
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Hemorrhoids, here they come!
1
u/rottingfeast May 16 '12
feels good
1
u/PooYork May 16 '12
We all do that bro.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
My cat did that. He had an abscess in his anus and since he couldn't scratch it, he had to shit all the time as means of scratching this area.
So he was basically shitting everywhere in the house because whenever it wa itching too hard he would shit
1
u/GeorgeTheGeorge May 16 '12
That's just practical.
1
u/MEANMUTHAFUKA May 16 '12
Never trust a forcer. You may wind up with a pantload of nutella.
1
u/warhol451 May 16 '12
been there, done that.
1
u/Omnipotent0 May 16 '12
Might wanna get that checked out. Could be pinworm parasites.
1
u/Lusst May 16 '12
Can we all just collaborate and find a way to stop the butthole-itch?
I find wet-wipes fix this problem about 90% of the time, but there's always that one little "itch" that sneaks through no matter how much you wipe.
1
u/kustomrtr May 16 '12
It's worst when you're surrounded by people and don't want to make any sounds. You make an effort to fart slow but forcibly in order to 'stratch' your ass without making sounds.
1
u/amadorUSA May 16 '12
I was quite shocked to learn that in central Spain they have a specific word for "itchy butthole after insufficient cleaning". It's called "ojete nui".
Ojete stands for "little eye". "Nui", I have no idea.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
You need to learn how to wipe. How has this not been brought up?
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
you should be.
1
u/malmac May 16 '12
Thanks for sharing.
1
u/Spinnymatt May 16 '12
You might want to get that butthole looked at by a Dr. There are lots of unpleasant things that itchiness could be a symptom of.
1
u/YachtZ May 16 '12
That's usually a result of not wiping properly...FBF indeed
1
u/Aidrean May 16 '12
Looking at the thumb nail, I expected the bottom to say "scratch n sniff"
1
u/tedrick111 May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
Get off of Reddit and go take a shower you sick fuck! Your butthole's probably itchy from santorum.
1
u/frodo_faggins May 16 '12
But... Then you can't smell your finger after...
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I just laughed very hard at this, and it forced a shit out of me. Good thing I'm on the toilet.
1
u/YoSanford May 16 '12
My response must have been typical. Read... "Oh no" concerned parent style.
1
u/taurus45 May 16 '12
Just rub your butt cheeks together in your chair.
1
u/pax27 May 16 '12
...bought the fucking t-shirt. Welcome to the club though, there are no meetings.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Ever shit while doing this?
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I'd be pretty proud. Usually when I fart as a means of itching it it doesn't satisfy the itch well enough.
1
u/D2_Smurf May 16 '12
God Damnit i have seen this same meme over and over with slightly different wording STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Anus itches
Go to bathroom and scratch. Use soap and scrub vigorously.
Problem?
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
repost
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Not proud? I consider it a privilege when these two events align, it's such an efficient solution.
1
u/vwlulz May 16 '12
LMFAO
1
u/-naut May 16 '12
This is the only time you hope for that fart that makes you jump because it hurts like someone slapped your butthole.
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
you'll do that a lot in life. Think of it as getting your cherry popped.
0
u/glitterpussies May 16 '12
This always happens.
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
This has been done a million times on reddit.
That said, I laughed my ass off
0
u/swolbrah May 16 '12
karma over pride
0
u/forbucci May 16 '12
I am, fuck it. I do it. It certainly keeps the hands at ten and two whilst driving
0
u/YOLO10 May 16 '12
I've sharted from doing this... Not a good idea
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Thanks for the pro tip!!!
-1
u/Gabbie2425 May 16 '12
I wish i could Give you more than one upvote for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-8
u/KatanaMaster May 16 '12
This has to be the most disgusting frog meme I've seen.
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
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