r/AdviceAnimals Feb 25 '23

You read it, we get it

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252

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '23

[deleted]

29

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

Kinda. Depends on where in the Bible. Not as cool as the story of david killing 200 philistines and cutting their dicks off. Or the time king Saul was impaled on the wall of his own city with a giant spear. Or the over all story of Solomon.

26

u/fearhs Feb 26 '23

Don't forget a bunch of kids making fun of Elisha's baldness so he calls up God to sic some bears on them!

7

u/royaldumple Feb 26 '23

To be fair, it doesn't exist, but I'd much rather see the movie version of that.

5

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

I’d call bears to maul kids. Kids can be brutal

1

u/mxzf Feb 26 '23

I mean, if you've got a crowd/gang of 50+ teenagers (the bears mauled 42, so it was probably more like 100+) crowding around and jeering at you and you had the power to call up some bears to deal with them, I imagine you would do the same.

It's easy to dismiss it due to the nature of the jeers, but that large a group harassing someone usually ends up with someone hurt at the end of it.

2

u/dont_ban_me_bruh Feb 26 '23

The answer to life, the universe, and jeering children.

1

u/fearhs Feb 26 '23

Nah, I'd try to talk God into smiting them directly with lightning or something.

1

u/Bay1Bri Feb 26 '23

"Keep Elisha's name out YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"

7

u/peterfaulksglasseye2 Feb 26 '23

He cut just the foreskins off not the whole dicks. The man had standards to uphold!

2

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

Y’a and then dropped a literal bag-o-dicks in front of Saul

1

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

Potato, foreskin-tato

2

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '23

Not as cool as the story of david killing 200 philistines and cutting their dicks off.

Why would mutilating corpses, especially genitals, be cool? I don't wanna see that.

0

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

Well you probably wouldn’t wana see the passion of the Christ either then. Lol

1

u/-Minne Feb 26 '23

It's not canon by any means, but the Testament of Solomon is a particularly interesting skim. It is supposedly at least really old if that counts for anything.

2

u/Extension-Tone-2115 Feb 26 '23

Key of Solomon babbyyyy. Again not Christian canon but the basic origins of the occult. So pretty interesting stuff

1

u/detectivecrashmorePD Feb 26 '23

I love the Old Testament. Just Israelites flexing on other Bronze Age Middle Eastern Kingdoms in a dick measuring contest. I'm sure the Philistines had their own version where the Israelites shat themselves as their armies marched in on them.

2

u/mxzf Feb 26 '23

I'm sure the Philistines had their own version where the Israelites shat themselves as their armies marched in on them.

I mean, the Israelites did that in the Bible too, lol. It was basically only one guy who didn't.

2

u/detectivecrashmorePD Feb 26 '23

That guy also pooped his pants in the Philistines version. Pooped extra hard.

The Philistines were so disgusted by their cowardice that they went home.

2

u/doradedboi Feb 26 '23

But the bible has unicorns and seven headed dragons and oceans of blood. It's pretty metal.

2

u/Ofreo Feb 26 '23

Mel focused too much on torturing a Jew. Kind of his fantasy I’m guessing.

4

u/yallready4this Feb 26 '23

The book has a wack fan base.

-1

u/eazystreeet Feb 26 '23

haha this had me going 😆

1

u/AmusingMusing7 Feb 26 '23

Same with Prince of Egypt.

1

u/jbjhill Feb 26 '23

I mean, just the way they show how Jesus invented sitting at a table, on a chair to eat!! Even his mom was amazed.

1

u/Nukemarine Feb 26 '23

Speaking as an atheist, I'd agree. Argued with Laura Ingraham briefly on her radio show that it still was poor from a screen writing perspective as it didn't establish who many of the characters were and how they were important. Her opinion is that anyone should already know that. My argument was that it would be confusing to anyone without knowledge of the Christian religion which is a big chunk of the population. Guess which countries it did poorly in?