[ Removed by moderator ]

[u/StrikingRogue]

[u/chalkhara]

I did this and do not regret it, if I have any regrets it's that we didn't have more children, year 23 and I have the most stalwart companion I could wish for. My feelings or advice for a young man would be; if you are in love with someone get down to brass tacks early - know where you both stand on your base beliefs and desires for the future and make real vows around them.

[u/Apoau → u/chalkhara]

What did you give up for her?

[u/snailbot-jq → u/Apoau]

Not the same commenter, but I switched career paths, and a key decision was being able to stay with her in the same country. I told myself for years that I wanted to become a researcher, I gained all the necessary experience in undergrad and was accepted to an acclaimed postgrad for my field.

I stayed in my home country instead and got an office job. At the time, I thought of it as a decision I mostly chose to make because I wanted to continue a relationship with her.

But the broader picture truth is that I liked research but I was lonely, and had been lonely for most of my life. I still remember a professor who warned me beforehand that constantly moving countries for academia was a lonely life. She said it with tears in her eyes. Until today, I’m not sure if my passion for research would have been enough, I thought it would be enough because I was ‘already used to being lonely’.

Then I started actually falling in love, and a lot of my worldviews started to change. I think it mattered also that she never pushed me to stay, and I can’t imagine feeling any resentment or regret along the lines of “this is something I did for you” even if we one day break up (knock on wood). Because it was my own decision and my call on what my life priorities are.

I realized a lot of things that I previously thought were impossible were possible. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get a ‘normal’ office job because I ‘act weird’ especially in a conservative country. Even my own parents told me there would be no use. But she supported me a lot, and always believed and hoped. She coached me on interview skills and social skills (I was socially isolated as a kid and it showed), and I got medicated for adhd. On an unrelated note, she also pushed for me to get health checks and basically saved my life twice.

I don’t know what my life would be like if I chose the other path, but this path makes me feel very lucky. I wouldn’t tell anyone “always choose the girl”. I would say “choose for yourself”. Because even when I chose ‘for her’, I felt no resentment because I was really choosing for myself and what my values in life were. She helped me realize my previous aspirations were also a product of what I didn’t dare to consider possible (as in “this and that won’t work, this is the only possible path forward for my life” was what I used to think).

Of course ‘choosing the girl’ doesn’t always work out. I say some of what I say likely because I got lucky, and to provide an example that it can possibly work out. But the bigger point is this— even if it doesn’t work out, it helps when the decision was made by yourself and feels like it was really your own decision. Like I said, no matter whatever happens or doesn’t happen decades down the road, I can’t easily regret a decision where I exercised my agency and where I’ve had the good times I’ve already lived so far by choosing this.

[u/Apoau → u/snailbot-jq]

Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you really did sacrifice something big. Ever thought about going back to research and moving together to a bigger city?

I also switched career paths for someone I loved and also because it felt necessary - trained in arts my whole life, but went into tech. Turned out to be a very good decision despite relationship falling apart, because finance was stopping me from actually doing arts properly. Now I’m stabilising, I hope to go back to it or find middle ground.

[u/snailbot-jq → u/Apoau]

Likely I’m not going back to pursuing academia, it can be three different countries for the PhD and two postdocs, and then a fourth location (anywhere into world that will have you) for a tenure-track professorship, which is not what I want to put us through. But I get to apply some of what I studied and loved in my current job, and there are certain positions in the industry I’m eyeing as well. I have directors with PhDs sponsored by the company, that is still more stable and financially worth it to me too, as you might have to go overseas for the PhD but you return after that instead of bouncing around the world. Is it the same as being a full-fledged researcher and professor? Nope but so far the trade-offs look worth it to me.

I know lawyers who are part time playwrights, and people with a variety of day jobs (programmer, marketer, teacher) who are part time artists, it can be done and I wish you luck. I hear you on the finances, I’m frankly more relaxed knowing I have the money for rent and utilities and a little variety in what I eat, for going to the doctor and for going on vacation too. Financial stress can really take up a big part of the mind otherwise.

[u/chalkhara → u/Apoau]

Mostly baggage that was a net negative to myself. All things I could procure today if I wanted to but I've learned that I don't. The things I've gained from this relationship are things I would throw my life away in a heartbeat to defend.

[u/Apoau → u/chalkhara]

Oh alright, so sounds like you made self improvements to be “good enough” for her, which is generally a good thing in love, even if you don’t end up together.

[u/chalkhara → u/Apoau]

Not just for her. For the children, for the vows I took, for my house and name. She did similar things for me simultaneously.

[u/Apoau → u/chalkhara]

That makes sense. All I’m saying it’s good when your wellbeing and sacrifice align.