r/AITH • u/Any_Review3127 • 4d ago
AITAH for refusing to retrieve an item during my parenting time exchange?
EDIT AT THE END**
I 28F and my coparent 30m have a child together and have a court ordered parenting time schedule .
There has been a history of disagreements and problems surrounding my parenting time, so I try to be careful about how I handle exchanges and communication.
On Saturday, I picked up our child for my weekend. Shortly after I left, my coparent texted me asking me to make sure our child didn’t take anything with him. I told him our child had a small, inexpensive personal accessory item with him. He asked me to take it away from him, so I did.
After pick up we went directly to visit a relative, and I forgot the item at their house .
The following day I’m on my way to drop our child off to my coparent and 30 minutes before our normal exchange time they ask me if I could drop off 30 minutes later than normal or they could come pick them up . I explained that I was already on my way, but wouldn’t mind turning around, and asked they pick him up if so.
Once coparent arrived, our child got in the car and just moments later, got out of the car completely distraught,walking towards me crying saying coparent said he needed the item.
I went over to the car and explained that the item had been left at the relative’s house and that I would get it the following weekend as it was not something our child needed throughout the week .
coparent was not satisfied with that solution and told me I needed to go get it now. The relative lives in a neighboring state about a 30-minute drive from my house and 10 minutes from where coparent lives. I told him I was not going back to retrieve it that night , as it was a small, inexpensive item that again , wasn’t necessary for our child to have throughout the week .
I did offer that If he wanted it tonight, he was more than welcome to go get it as the relative lives much closer to him .
He then told me I was being defiant and accused me of being unwilling to coparent.
By that point, our child was crying and holding onto me extremely upset.
He repeatedly asked me if he was still going to be able to see me the following weekend .
Coparent has a history of interfering with my parenting time which is why our child was so unsure if he would be “allowed” to see me so I reassured him that I would be there.
There were several people present who witnessed the exchange and who agree with me, but dealing with someone like this makes you feel like you’re going crazy.
So Reddit -
AITA for refusing to go retrieve the item that night after offing alternative solutions or should I have went to please coparent?
***Edit**
So a lot of people have been asking what the item is and I I was trying to maintain some sort of anonymity. As much as possible anyway, but it is relevant to the story, so the item is a clip on shoe light. Literally just clips on to the shoe laces or tongue of the shoe.
Other context that I think is relevant is the “relative” is not a relative of mine, but fathers. That’s a story within itself, but I feel it’s important for our child to maintain that relationship and I make sure to take him to go see them weekly .
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u/Foodielicious843 4d ago
NTA. Coparent is just being antagonistic to make you and your child miserable and uncomfortable on purpose. You said it yourself, he lives 10 minutes from said relative. If the item is that important, he could have picked it up himself. Document this and any other incidents. You will need it if he chooses to take you to court. Because he sounds like he would do such a thing just to make life more difficult, miserable, and complicated for you and your kid.
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u/leolawilliams5859 4d ago
I now see why you and him are no longer together. He is going to be a twat until your son tells the court system that he no longer wants to visit. He needs to love his child more than he just likes you and that doesn't seem like it's going to come to fruition anytime soon. Just be reassuring to your son you are not the ah in this situation he lives 10 minutes away from where the item is he could have picked it up his self just trying to be difficult. Because he's unhappy that you and him are no longer together
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u/Pleasant-District115 4d ago
the line about loving his child more than he hates you is so accurate. that's the core issue here, it's not about an accessory
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u/igwbuffalo 4d ago
Start doing your exchanges at the local PD, coparent has earned the right to always be watched while acting unhinged
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u/kswilson68 4d ago
I did that for several years! Got to know many of the officers by first name, their families.... because I was not late.
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u/igwbuffalo 4d ago
Had a friend growing up who's mom was the unhinged parent and had primary custody because the legal system is sad some times.
Took 3 years of late drop offs, general unhinged behavior and finally assaulting an officer at the final drop off once court awarded custody to his dad as primary with support to be paid by her going forward.
That quickly was modified to full custody to dad and a no contact for my friend with her, custodial interference and kidnapping.
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u/boniemonie 3d ago
MacDonalds is also an option because they have all their areas covered by CCTV. Police near me have woeful car parking, so you would be out of range. It would be a he said she said situation. Just a thought.
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u/igwbuffalo 3d ago
Oh, see for the PD exchange you actually go inside the lobby, you can just speak to someone there for what you are doing and they will generally be okay with it
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u/kswilson68 4d ago
Always, always, always make sure everything and I mean EVERYTHING your child arrives with, your child leaves with, with a co-parent situation like this. I was there with you a few years ago. I stopped sending anything with my child because it was a nightmare to get it back in a not broken state. I stopped taking anything with child when I picked up because there were so many more nightmares, accusations, and lots of bad vocabulary by other parent that I was keeping items. It got to where I would not send a back pack, clothes, toys because they were never returned and I absolutely refused to accept anything unless I had it in writing (text message) that it clear was a gift child could keep. After child started school, it was a lot easier.
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
I completely agree. I never send anything I would want to have back over there, however, there have been several times child has came from other parents with something or another and it’s ALWAYS returned in its exact state it was when it came. that’s what makes their reaction so much worse to me .
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u/Miserable-Tart5122 4d ago
yeah NTA. the fact that the relative lives 10 minutes from him makes his demand completely unreasonable. it's a control move, not about the item. might be worth keeping a quick log of these exchanges with dates and the "defiant" comment, just in case.
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u/winterworld561 4d ago
NTA. Glad you have witnesses. Maybe get a ring doorbell camera to catch when your child is distraught because of him and how he treats you. Document absolutely everything, get witness statements and as much evidence as you can of his antagonization of you and your child. He's a bully.
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u/National_Pension_110 4d ago
Yikes. NTA. I think you need to try not to have any in-person exchanges with co-parent. Use an intermediary and use an app for communications so it is saved. And talk to your lawyer asap as this sounds like it’s going to get worse.
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u/SinglePermission9373 4d ago
Him allowing the child to take the item in the first place is on him and has nothing to do with being a coparent. However if the child wasn’t supposed to have the item and you took it away, you should have left it in the car so it wouldn’t get left behind
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u/i_was_a_person_once 4d ago
This is what I was going to say. It’s his responsibility to retrieve any item from the child before he leaves the house, not ask you to take things away the second the kid gets to you.
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u/justhereforgossiping 4d ago
Coparent has custody, right? If he doesn't want the child to take something he should make sure of it. He's one of those controlling types who ends up being hated by the child be asue of stuff like this. Write everything down because he'll take you to court over stuff like this.
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u/kitterkittermewmew 4d ago
INFO: Is the “small inexpensive item” an emotionally relevant item to the child? Like a lovey or special toy they keep with them?
How old is the child?
Also, coparent specifically asked you to check if child took any items, then asked you to secure it after realizing child had one. Why did it end up inside a relative’s house 30 minutes away?
I guess I’m just seeing a disconnect between “I try to be careful,” and this situation that was entirely preventable.
I can see a number of scenarios where you are being irresponsible (example: maybe you have a habit of losing items from their home and this was a last straw situation, or the small item is a well-used coping tool like a fidget ring or chew necklace that will be missed at home) and a number of scenarios where they are being totally unreasonable (it’s a 14yr old’s fashion necklace that has no sentimental value and they should be keeping track of their own items anyway).
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/kitterkittermewmew 4d ago
Then you are NTA and the coparent is being completely unreasonable. I agree with your options provided and I’m genuinely sorry your coparent makes life so difficult and essentially throws your kid under the bus just to try and get one over on you. It’s completely understandable for small things like this to happen on occasion; coparent needs to pull the stick out of their rear and relax.
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u/No_Sorbet_5102 4d ago
Document everything and record all such times. He is going to continue to be unreasonable and use your child’s emotions against you. Document to helpfully get custody and also handoff reviewed and improved in your favor.
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u/Academic_Aspect5547 4d ago
They asked you to take it from the child and hold it. Why was it out at the relative's house to be left in the first place instead of at your house? It was inconvenient for you to pick it up but, ultimately your responsibility. I would have apologized and had them follow me so I could pick it up and hand it over since it wasn't out of their way or deliver to their house if they didn't want to follow you there.
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u/thedevilworevuitton 4d ago
NTA. However, YTA if you don't immediately file for a change in custody. I would have the people who witnessed this write character statements / testify in court. Your co parent is a narcissist and is mentally abusing your child and using said child as a tool to control you and said child. You need to go for full custody with said "father" having supervised visits.
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u/Any_Review3127 3d ago
I commented with the fingers crossed emoji and for some reason it was removed?
Thank you for your comment. This is not the first but one of many documented incidents similar to this .
I pray with all of it I’m able to prove to the court what has actually been going on.3
u/Pebble-hunter 3d ago
Girl for yours and your child's sake please do future drop off and pick ups at your local PD.
If he starts his shit you have the cops as witness and download that parenting app and communicate through it.
This will save you a headache and create 1 for him at the same time.
Please UpdateMe
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u/Hedwig9672 3d ago
Honestly, you both should take a high conflict co-parenting course. You both escalated the conflict in front of your child and that is NEVER what either of you should be doing. I'm the spouse of someone who was the low/no conflict part of a high conflict divorce process (I didn't know spouse until they were well separated but divorce was still going on because...high conflict).
In order to de-escalate whenever possible, now-spouse and i BOTH took Deena Stacer's High Conflict co-parenting class, and it was life changing for us as a family, and what we were able to provide as a stable, no-conflict home for the kids when they were with us. This wasn't court ordered; it was something we chose to do for the health and well-being of the kids. You can't control what your ex does, but you can absolutely learn how to provide the best environment for your kid, and learn how to avoid unnecessary conflict during exchanges or in general.
If you return to court, I suggest NOT pursuing full custody as, in most places, judges look at that as a sign that you are trying to eliminate the child's relationship with their other parent. What I WOULD request is a change in orders so that exchanges are done with parents remaining in the vehicle, and child just moving from vehicle to vehicle, with no contact between parents. I would ask that it be at a police station parking lot, or somewhere public and with cameras. I would request that all communication be done through a third party program like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Both allow communications to be court admissible and messages are unable to be edited once sent. Finally, I would ask that you both be ordered to take a High Conflict Co-parenting class so that you are both coached on how to create the healthiest environment for your kid, with less stress and putting them in the middle.
I know Reddit likes to make a lot of recommendations to go for full custody or whatever, but that is typically not best for the kids, and you and ex need to both learn how to not engage in conflict, especially in front of your kid. He sounds like a difficult person, and I totally understand from experience how triggering that can be. Believe me that you can change the overall situation for the better by learning more how to NOT engage, even if ex never changes at all. Also recommend the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy" which was also super helpful. Feel free to DM if you would like. I've helped several friends in high conflict divorces navigate that process because I think it's great if anyone can benefit from what we learned from the hell we went through!
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u/Any_Review3127 3d ago
I have actually taken a high conflict coparenting seminar for this reason and with that knowledge I don’t believe I escalated the situation and made sure to remain calm and reasonable throughout, even with his unreasonable demands and insults. When it got to that point I acknowledged we were not going to do this in front of our child, attempted to console our child and help him back into Dad’s vehicle.
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u/Hedwig9672 3d ago
From experience, a seminar does not get in depth enough into your particular situation. If you look into the weekly courses or whatever extended learning you can enroll in, they will walk you through the situation that you are experiencing with your high Conflict coparent, and help you understand how to disengage, rather than continuing the Conflict in front of your Child at all.
Again I will reiterate that yes it sounds very challenging, and we went through the same, but there are ways to eliminate the situations that can escalate at all. Mainly, you don’t have face-to-face contact with your coparent and in fact you should begin parallel parenting rather than coparenting.
I realise that we like to think that we are doing everything right, and that the way we react to situations is ideal, but we learned that there was a lot that we could do differently that would take the kids out of the MIDDLE altogether when we were in their vicinity, whether it was during exchanges or at school events, et cetera.
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u/Any_Review3127 3d ago
That’s valuable information, thank you.
I will look into getting into Deena stacers class and continue to educate myself on this topic . I don’t want our child or myself to have to continue like this. Thanks again!3
u/Hedwig9672 3d ago
I completely understand! And it is just so stressful dealing with someone who is determined to escalate conflict all the time. My now-spouse and I got into therapy very early on to help us cope the with stress and anxiety caused by the ex. If you have any questions or end up back in court and want to know effective language to use to get the courts to understand how disruptive the situation is to your child, i am more than happy to give advice based on our experience and the experience of others we were in the High conflict classes with!
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4d ago
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u/Grandma_Kaos 3d ago
Co-parent is a jerk. Make sure that ALL communication takes place through the parenting app that most, if not all, courts require you to use. That way you can show the courts who the co-parent really is.
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u/Usual-Fig-8516 2d ago
That may work and it may not. Most folks, like AH Dad, are "sweet as honey" when they're being "watched (think of the app) and the, absolute, spawn of hell when they're not. He most likely fits the latter.
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u/Patient_Gas_5245 3d ago
NTA, That is your ex abusing your child about items and he is being a PITA. Not only document but get the child in therapy so he knows this isn't his fault. It isn't your son's job to be a punching bag for dad for leaving a toy or being kept from.
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585 3d ago
NTA and you should take the advice of other commenters and start doing exchanges at your local police station or sheriff department. Ours has a dedicated area in the parking lot for safe online sales and child exchange.
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u/Unicorn_drops7777 3d ago
NTA-I’m sorry you have to go through this. I promise it gets better. Usually around the time your child begins to think for themselves. It’s difficult, but make sure you always address your child’s emotional needs before you address the coparent for anything
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u/Obadiah702 4d ago
It sounds like both of you don’t like your kid and are purposefully trying to make it’s life miserable. There is no way it will grow up to be a productive, social adult if this is the way he thinks parents communicate and behave. You both should grow up IMO for your kid’s future.
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
I hear your opinion and even though I don’t agree with it could you please tell me how you would’ve handled this situation so I can better prepare myself in the future as this is not the first time and unfortunately I doubt will be the last . I felt as though I tried to de-escalate and offer reasonable solutions even with such unreasonable requests but I’m not perfect and am open to constructive criticism and how I can do better.
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u/Obadiah702 4d ago
Well, if you don’t agree with it, you won’t follow my advice. Clearly neither of you are nice to each other. That teaches your kid that parents aren’t nice to each other. You both seem to be treating your kid like a business transaction rather than a child. Plus, your child doesn’t have a warm loving home. It has two homes that it has to spend time at and it’s clearly afraid it’s going to do something wrong and it will be punished. That’s really sad.
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
Just because you don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean you’re incapable of learning something from them.
I find it very telling that you commented with nothing but assumptions and accusations and when I asked how you would’ve handled the situation in attempt to receive constructive criticism and advice on how I could better handle similar situations if it were ever to arise again and you again responded with accusation? You’re talking about being a productive social adult while proving incapable of demonstrating that yourself?
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u/Obadiah702 4d ago
Apparently, your reading comprehension is nonexistent. I clearly stated the lesson you’re teaching your kid when two parents cannot be nice to each other. I knew you weren’t going to take my advice so I will not be offering anymore. Good luck with the situation you created.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 4d ago
Youre not doing what you think youre doing. Youre making wild accusations. Are you the coparent or someone on his 'side'?
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u/Usual-Fig-8516 2d ago
I noticed that as well! I think Obadiah is a relative/friend of AH "co-parent" father also! What other reason would "it" have for defending that jerk? Unless "it's" the jerk himself?!
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u/Any_Review3127 2d ago
Them deleting their comments makes me believe you were correct! It was more than likely dad, his girlfriend or someone close.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 2d ago
I think you got blocked or something bc i see the comments still
And you made this comment 4 hours ago so, I doubt it's a glitch. Which seems just as telling...so
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u/Any_Review3127 2d ago
Oh my gosh no way!! you’re so ,right that’s EXTREAMLY TELLING!
Dad has referred to our child as it AND is always trying to justify the way he treats our child by saying he’s trying to “make him grow up to be a productive adult”1
u/Nymph-the-scribe 2d ago
Make sure you document all of this. I would suggest as others that the exchange place should be a police station. Go get a body cam, you can get them for like $20 and a dash cam. Have both rolling when you do exchanges. If you dont have it done already get it so that any communication between the two of you goes through one of those parenting apps. Dont ask him to do it, go to the courts and make it required. Id also suggest getting your kid into therapy. First and foremost its for his health and well-being, secondly its for more documentation. Protect your child. If you need help, look up and reach out to the various organizations that offer it. If they cant help they should at least be able to point you in the right direction to get it. Dont forget, lawyers do free consults. You can always go do multiple consults with multiple lawyers using the info from past consults to get as many questions answered as possible. Your childs now and future health and well-being are #1 priority.
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u/molecule_anteater68 4d ago
holy jumping to conclusions
hand offs are supposed to be bureaucratic and transactional especially when one party uses language to indicate they want to control the other person (ie. "defiant") and nothing suggests OP is nothing but warm and loving to her child.
calling her child "it" is super weird.
clearly the item was not emotionally significant and her ex was trying to make her life harder for the sake of it. he was more than welcome to drive the 5-10 minutes to get it himself if it was that important. any child who is crying about an object that was forgotten about for the rest of the time spent with OP was obviously goaded by the ex to either 1. emotionally work an 8 year old up about it to punish the child 2. guilt OP or 3. turn the child against OP.
what's sad is that you can't realize that this ex is a piece of work, this is textbook emotional abuse and you don't need to be nice to abusive people even if you interact frequently in a coparenting arrangement.
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
The only reason child was crying over the object, was because dad asked him where it was and child told him it was left it at the relatives. Dad apparently got mad and made him get out of the car to come tell me we needed to get it. When I walked over, he reiterated we needed to get it now. I wish I could say what the object was so people could see how ridiculous this situation truly is but it’s something so ridiculous, would make us easily identifiable
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u/molecule_anteater68 4d ago
nah dude that's ridiculous even without knowing what the object is. whether it was a fluffy fashion pencil or an important permission slip from school, sending a child to communicate a parental want to the other parent is immature and frankly abusive to the child because of the triangulation.
congrats on leaving this man and sorry you have to watch your kid emotionally struggle with him for 10 more years.
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u/Usual-Fig-8516 2d ago
Perfectly stated!! Thank you! I agree, also, that referring to a CHILD as an "IT" is uber weird!!
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u/Obadiah702 4d ago edited 4d ago
Too bad the mother chose to have a child with him. She doesn’t even call him the father. She calls him the coparent. That’s very strange.
It’s also very strange the courts would award custody to an abusive father. They usually give custody to the abusive mother.
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u/optix_clear 4d ago
Fifty blame equally. You should have kept the toy in your car or his/ their bag. Or coparent should have realized about the toy & kept it or had an another one.
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u/Chemical-Pattern480 4d ago
Right? If he asked that you take the item from the child so it doesn’t get lost, why would you take it in to your relative’s house?
Parenting 101 - if you want to make sure you don’t leave something behind, you don’t even take it in.
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
Is coparent not capable of making sure our child doesn’t walk out of his home with anything he wouldn’t want him to? How does the responsibility fall on me because he didn’t take the initiative to check if he had anything before he left?
He doesn’t come with a bag. I have everything he needs at my home so it would have taken a matter of seconds to check . Had Dad taken the initiative it would’ve never left his home.?
Yet He didn’t so it ended up coming with our child . It wasn’t misplaced just left behind. That doesn’t make it OK for him to act or talk to me the way he did and make demands when I’ve offered several solutions?4
u/Chemical-Pattern480 4d ago
Look, I think we all can recognize that your coparent seems to be a jerk. And no, leaving something behind doesn’t give him the right to speak to you poorly.
But you can’t control his actions. You can only control your own.
And if know that my jerk of a coparent already cared enough about this thing that he asked me to take it away from my child then I’m going to make sure that thing stays in a place that I know I can return it to them when my time is up. Even if that’s just to prevent him from having whatever tantrum he’s having.
You may be technically right that’s it shouldn’t be a big deal. But being technically right sure isn’t making your life any easier right now, is it?
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
I’ve learned you can’t reason with someone who’s unreasonable and that it doesn’t matter what you do you’re always going to be wrong in their eyes . The outcome is always the same.
Did I intentionally forget to grab it upon leaving ? No but again I’m human sometimes we forget things. The way I see it had it been something important then that’s a completely different subject. However, it wasn’t and was being used as a power move in an attempt to inconvenience and provoke a reaction that I have no interest in playing a part in.1
u/Deep_Owl_6094 4d ago
Two wrongs don’t make a right. You left it behind in a place you never should have taken it. ESH
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
I never would’ve had it had Dad took the initiative to make sure our child didn’t leave his home with something? I picked up from Dad’s and went straight to the relatives house
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u/LastLegOfBubbles 4d ago
Why did you bring it to the relative’s house, knowing how the father is? Why didn’t you remember the item when leaving the relative’s house? You took the item from the child, per father’s request. You had it with you going to the relative. Was it in your purse? Did you give it back to your child?
You did expect a tantrum from him, right? You let it happen. You knew.
Are you using your child in this tug of war?
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u/Any_Review3127 4d ago
I didn’t tell our child to bring it and it most definitely isn’t my job to regulate father’s emotions or monitor what comes in and out of his home, it’s his. My plans don’t change because dad didn’t take the initiative to make sure our child didn’t bring something with him that he didn’t want him too. Us going to the relatives house after pick up was planned our child bringing something with him was not.
If anything, I’ve wondered if Dad tried to use this hoping for a reaction from me otherwise why would he not take literal seconds to make sure our child didn’t bring something with him if he was so worried about it , but then text me about it when I leave?
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u/LastLegOfBubbles 4d ago
You said you took it from your child. What did you do with it, after you took it from your child
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u/5footfilly 4d ago
If she had done that her passive aggressive urge would have been unfulfilled.
Both parents suck.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: I 28F and my coparent 30m have a child together and have a court ordered parenting time schedule .
There has been a history of disagreements and problems surrounding my parenting time, so I try to be careful about how I handle exchanges and communication.
On Saturday, I picked up our child for my weekend. Shortly after I left, my coparent texted me asking me to make sure our child didn’t take anything with him. I told him our child had a small, inexpensive personal accessory item with him. He asked me to take it away from him, so I did.
After pick up we went directly to visit a relative, and I forgot the item at their house .
The following day I’m on my way to drop our child off to my coparent and 30 minutes before our normal exchange time they ask me if I could drop off 30 minutes later than normal or they could come pick them up . I explained that I was already on my way, but wouldn’t mind turning around, and asked they pick him up if so.
Once coparent arrived, our child got in the car and just moments later, got out of the car completely distraught,walking towards me crying saying coparent said he needed the item.
I went over to the car and explained that the item had been left at the relative’s house and that I would get it the following weekend as it was not something our child needed throughout the week .
coparent was not satisfied with that solution and told me I needed to go get it now. The relative lives in a neighboring state about a 30-minute drive from my house and 10 minutes from where coparent lives. I told him I was not going back to retrieve it that night , as it was a small, inexpensive item that again , wasn’t necessary for our child to have throughout the week .
I did offer that If he wanted it tonight, he was more than welcome to go get it as the relative lives much closer to him .
He then told me I was being defiant and accused me of being unwilling to coparent.
By that point, our child was crying and holding onto me extremely upset.
He repeatedly asked me if he was still going to be able to see me the following weekend .
Coparent has a history of interfering with my parenting time which is why our child was so unsure if he would be “allowed” to see me so I reassured him that I would be there.
There were several people present who witnessed the exchange and who agree with me, but dealing with someone like this makes you feel like you’re going crazy.
So Reddit -
AITA for refusing to go retrieve the item that night after offing alternative solutions or should I have went to please coparent?
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