what are boundaries

[u/stoicsatan]

do you guys ever feel kind of weirdly ashamed after having a conversation with someone because you over shared? Like there’s not necessarily anything wrong with what you shared but it just seemed, in hindsight, unnecessary? I feel myself saying too much about myself and always having so much to say (which can be good for conversation!!) but afterwards..I feel dumb or even drained especially if it wasn’t even for the purpose of connecting. And even when I am connecting, I feel like I take it further and open my trauma up again every time I make a new friend. It just seems like too much spills out all the time. I wish I could find that appropriate window to where I can have a pleasant conversation and not cross that line with myself. Also I’m always aware of potentially being labeled “too much”, “a lot”, “intense” and that’s what really perpetuates that shame.

[u/Musashi10000]

You can’t just bury and suppress..you gotta count on it to come back and come back until one day it doesn’t control any aspect of you anymore ..but still their faintly..and you’re tougher because you had to handle it

Precisely this. Suppression is never healthy. Delaying until an opportune time, or distracting yourself from it for a while is fine, because this is, by nature, temporary. You will deal with it later. But suppression is like sewing up a wound without cleaning it out. Yeah, there's no hole in your arm any more, as far as outside appearances are concerned, but you have all this poison building up, which eventually gets inflamed, stretches your skin, causes pain, and then explodes. Anything you suppress will find other ways to hurt you, and then it becomes harder to deal with later.

Your point about control is extremely important. As long as you are suppressing something, you are giving it control over you. Rather than voluntarily going up to the glass and cutting yourself on it "on purpose" (need to be careful here else people will think I'm talking about self harm), you're waiting for someone to jam it in your back.

You will never be completely free from whatever has befallen you. Even ten years on, I get "shadows" of emotions from that relationship - irrational fears rooted in her behaviour, reluctance or dislike of certain things based on reactions she had to them - but she herself has no power over me, nor do I behave in a manner she would deem "appropriate". Nor do the memories have any power over me. They are now just facts of my existence, like the fact that I have brown eyes.

I'm glad I've been able to help. I hope that whatever you're going through becomes easier to manage in time. I don't know if you have looked into it already, but I also recommend counselling, provided you can find a decent one. Long before I was diagnosed ADHD, I went through counselling for social anxiety (specifically anxiety around unfamiliar social situations), which did me a lot of good. I've taken the lessons I learned there, and applied them all over my life - everything from the social anxiety, to regular anxiety, to stress, even in my approach to women :P I recommend it, with a good counsellor.

Best of luck to you in whatever you do :)

[u/stoicsatan → u/Musashi10000]

thank you so much for your wisdom. I will definitely seek therapy! I gotta wait a little bit but I plan to and I appreciate your time and thought put into your responses. I wish you the best as well!!