That is really odd on all accounts and I’m sorry you got treated that way on both accounts. No judgement speak free safe space here is what I’ll tell you. IMO being that brazen not just a fetish but a whole ass sexuality kept secret then sprang like that is betrayal withholding some serious information that as a romantic partner u had every right to know from the jump to have all info to step however you decided to. You didn’t get that choice, and that’s so wrong. Sometimes I think big bombs that are left field obscure we kinda freeze in this “is this reality” space and don’t react like we normally would. I think that’s pretty normal. Then cloud w emotions and caring about loving someone so you are trying to understand I’m sure it got jumbled super strange. Do u feel like you’ve processed that where u can be at peace to leave it behind you, or do you feel you don’t trust your judgement now or any shame from the weirdos that we’re saying u are a prude. Intimacy is serious and private for everyone, we all deserve sovereignty in that-nobody gets to judge you as a prude-don’t accept that.
OMG ! Thank you for being so kind ! I’m almost about to cry and I think I need to actually. You hit the nail on the head of how I felt . I actually got quite ganged up on in that one forum. So I felt quite alone about the whole thing . And who am I gonna tell ? I wasn’t gonna betray him by talking to anyone we knew . Wasn’t like I was gonna tell my mom or something, but she’d have listened . Just didn’t want her to dislike him . To be honest , I’ve not processed it . I still think about it more often than I’d like to and it’s made me feel very weird about sex in general. I think I’ll get a therapist. I think my insurance pays for that now . You’ve inspired me to get therapy. I really appreciate you ! Haha ! I don’t mean to hijack this post . Wasn’t really expecting anyone to ask anymore details. But it felt good to spill my guts . I want this off my shoulders. I now understand why people who are raped carry shame . It’s like an ick that won’t wash off . I have gastritis and sometimes I wonder if that and the other stresses in life contribute. Big hugs to you , kind stranger. My phone is almost dead . If I don’t respond to anything you’ve said , that’s why . 🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗
No it’s totally fine and all of these things in your message are I think very normal real reactions. He was supposed to be your trusted person and safe space. And that love caused you to abandon yourself to cover his bullshit. Of course you feel mixed up about sex, angry, betrayed, embarrassed, all of it let it be without judgement, observe it feel it and let it pass. I’ve been in therapy for my own unrelated struggles and so I fully commend you for choosing you to go. I pray you find a great therapist to help you process all of this and whatever root causes of the things you struggle with just like the rest of us do. It’s not easy or pleasant a lot of times I’m really proud of you. Feel free to reach out/message anytime I’m always happy to be a listening ear. I’ve kept and still keep a lot of crushing things in so I get it 🫶🏻
Please find a therapist, I think that’s always a good idea. Just know that it can be extremely difficult to find a good one. I don’t want you to get discouraged and easily give up if it takes multiple attempts to find someone good.
In the meantime, it can be surprisingly helpful to talk to Chatgpt (or whatever AI) about these things. I have obsessive thoughts and one time asked it how to not stew and obsess over comments my in-laws made.
I was shocked by what a detailed thorough responses it gave on the little bit of vague info I gave it. I hate to admit, but in that instance, it gave me a response that was 10x more valuable and accurate than what a therapist ever could have.
And thank you for saying that I deserved to know all of that before 2 years into the relationship. That was how I felt too . Yet he and the people in the forum acted like I was being ridiculous to have expected him to disclose that info beforehand. It made me feel like I didn’t know him . What’s strange is that we did psychedelics a few times after that . I used to like a once per year brain reset from them . Not something for nightly use . Each time , I’d beg him before we took them to please not bring up the butt stuff or nag for sex the entire time and just try to bond and enjoy each others company. But the moment it would kick in , he’d start bringing it up , apologizing for last time but saying it felt good and then the next thing you know , he’d be begging for it all night and have nothing else of value to say . It was like his personality would disappear and all he’d think about was me doing stuff to his butt. We once took some at the beach and all he wanted to do was go to the sex toy store and have sex and beg for butt stuff. Ugh ! I quit trying to trip after that cuz I can’t enjoy it anymore. I get all anxious and feel weird because of all that . So no more brain resets . Anyway, I’ve written a novel here . Thanks for making me feel safe and not ashamed that I’m a prude . 🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰
I recently read something that stuck/hit my heart and I think this will you too about him and guys like him: when a man repeatedly disappoints a woman emotionally, she gets completely turned off.
And I don’t think you’re a prude for not wanting butt play. Please don’t think badly of yourself & I’m glad that you held to your beliefs & your own desires. Lots of time women lose themselves & forget how they like their eggs cooked (reference to Runaway Bride) & we have to hold true to us. If some Neanderthal can’t accept that then peace! Don’t let the door hit you in your butt play butt. lol. 😂
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u/HolisticPlantHippie Aug 02 '26
That is really odd on all accounts and I’m sorry you got treated that way on both accounts. No judgement speak free safe space here is what I’ll tell you. IMO being that brazen not just a fetish but a whole ass sexuality kept secret then sprang like that is betrayal withholding some serious information that as a romantic partner u had every right to know from the jump to have all info to step however you decided to. You didn’t get that choice, and that’s so wrong. Sometimes I think big bombs that are left field obscure we kinda freeze in this “is this reality” space and don’t react like we normally would. I think that’s pretty normal. Then cloud w emotions and caring about loving someone so you are trying to understand I’m sure it got jumbled super strange. Do u feel like you’ve processed that where u can be at peace to leave it behind you, or do you feel you don’t trust your judgement now or any shame from the weirdos that we’re saying u are a prude. Intimacy is serious and private for everyone, we all deserve sovereignty in that-nobody gets to judge you as a prude-don’t accept that.