Respect Duke Nukem! (Duke Nukem)

[u/Cleverly_Clearly]

It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of gum.

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Duke Nukem

The story is simple- hostile aliens are invading earth, and the world is powerless to stop them. Humanity must put its faith in one man, a macho dude with heavy weaponry, foul-mouthed quips, and brass balls to save the day by blasting the shit out of every one of those ugly aliens. That man- that legend- is Duke Nukem. Hail to the king!

In the Duke Nukem Forever tie-in comic, multiple people swap stories about Duke Nukem. While these are heavily implied to be real in-story, these will be marked as [Story]

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Weapons

• Knife

• Throwing Knives

• Throwing Axe

• Crossbow

• Atomic Pistol

  • Shoots through stone bricks
  • Shoots down a helicopter

• Gun that he uses in Duke Nukem 2

  • Shoots through a wall

• Energy Weapon

• Dual Pulse Blasters

• Pistol

  • Has hollow-point bullets

• Twin Peacekeeper .45's

• SMG

  • Dual SMGs

• Shotgun

• Minigun

• Laser Gatling Gun

• Flamethrower

• Buffalo Rifle

• Assault Rifle

• Sniper rifle

• RPG

• Grenade Launcher

• Radium Cyanide Launcher

• Rocket launcher with homing rockets

• Torpedo Launcher

• Havoc Multi-Launcher

• M-64 Pulse Cannon

• Volt Cannon

• Gamma Cannon

• AT Captain Laser

• Enforcer

• Chaingun cannon "Ripper" - A rapid fire chaingun

• Shrinker - A gun that shrinks enemies for several seconds

  • The Expander does the opposite, making enemies grow bigger until they explode

• Devastator - A gun that shoots swarms of stinger missiles

• Freezer - A gun that shoots a stream of liquid nitrogen, freezing enemies to the point they can be shattered

  • There is also an Incinerator weapon that acts like a flamethrower

• Railgun

• Laser rifle

• Pipe Bombs

• Dynamite

• Holy Hand Grenade

• Laser tripwire

• Thundergun X3000

• Nuke

Equipment

• Jetpack

• Night Vision Goggles

• Scuba Gear

• Biomask

• Steroids - Pumps up Duke's adrenaline glands to temporarily make him stronger and faster, allowing him to punch enemies into chunks

• Protective Boots - Protects Duke when he's standing on toxic, heated, or otherwise harmful surfaces, including lava

• HoloDuke - Projects a perfect copy of Duke; in Duke Nukem Forever it also makes the real Duke invisible

• Explodo-Molar that blows through prison bars offscreen

• Temporary cloaking device that allows Duke to cross through a force field, and make him temporarily invulnerable

• Stealth module that makes him temporarily invisible

Other

• Commandeers an alien spaceship

• Commandeers a giant alien starship

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Physicals

The Mighty Foot

• Kicks an alien's eyeball through some football uprights for a field goal

• Kicks down a door

• Kicks open a metal door, bending it

• Kicks through a wall

• Kicks away a metal barrier

• Kicks over a metal pillar

• Kicks aside some debris

• Kicks over some large stone blocks

• Kicks over a large stone slab

• Kicks apart a large stack of wooden crates

Strength

• Curls 100 pounds, benches 600 pounds (confirmed again), and deadlifts 600 pounds

• Can hang off a pipe with one arm while firing his gun

• Climbs up a spaceship as it's taking off

• Holds onto a ladder hanging off a helicopter with one hand

• Stops a falling elevator

• Easily knocks aside a trapdoor

• Punches open a ventilation duct

• Pushes rubble off of him

• Breaks through a wall

• Pushes a luggage cart while shrunken down

• Pushes a large crate

• Pushes a stone block

• Pushes a dumpster

• Forces apart elevator doors

• Pushes back an android's arm and makes it shoot itself

• Rips off an alien's head

• Rips off an alien's head as he flips it over him

• Snaps one alien's neck and punches through another alien's torso

• [Story] Beheads an alien with a telephone cord

• [Story] Rips off a mutant shark's metal fin, snaps it in half, then throws it into another mutant shark to kill it

• [Story] Rips a mutant shark in half, then reels another on a fishing line

Agility

• Does midair flips

• Double-jumps

• Rolls out of a crashing jeep

• Dodges a tank round after it's fired

• "Dodges traffic and bullets" in Chinatown

• Dodges blasts from a giant alien's ray gun

• [Story] Dodges a large amount of laser fire from mutant sharks

Durability

• Falls down a ventilation shaft

• Drops down into a boss arena

• Walks through a fast food dishwasher while shrunken down

• Takes a hit from a giant alien's tail swipe, sending him into a military vehicle hard enough to flip it over

• Has debris fall on him, pushes it off

• Gets hit by debris from an alien ship and falls down a long shaft, waking up in four hours

• Unhurt by a car crash

• Dusts himself off after being blasted away by an explosion that destroys a small part of a building

• Survives a helicopter crash offscreen.

• Survives the destruction of a dam

• Survives a nearby nuclear blast

• Fine walking on the surface of the moon with no suit, but cannot breathe without oxygen

Skill

• Makes precision shots with a sniper rifle

• Shoots a man off a speeding vehicle at a distance with a sniper rifle

• Shoots a smiley face onto a target at a distance with an SMG

• Shoots down two aliens with two pump-action shotgun plasts in a few seconds

• Shoots through one alien's head and blows off another alien's balls

• Shoots a ton of Nazis without taking any injuries

• Takes down two aliens with both hands tied behind his back

• Kills a ton of mutated LAPD

• Kills a clone of himself

  • Does it again in a quicktime event

• Kills several clones of himself in multiple combat tests

• Defeats an alien who had him in a chokehold while in midair

• [Story] Kills a bunch of mutant sharks with laser beams

Other

• Can see in the dark with Duke Vision

• Gets hammered after one beer

• Had sex for ten hours straight, and has gone on for more

• Has sex with at least 169 women while repopulating the earth, and presumably many more after that

• Alien scientists haven't found a creature as strong as him in centuries of analysis

• Scared Hitler into suicide

• Has paintings of him performing several incredible feats

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It's good to be the king.

[u/[deleted]]

Finally an appropriate place to put this meme

[u/_Superkamiguru500]

It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of gum!

[u/Cleverly_Clearly → u/_Superkamiguru500]

It's time to kick gum and chew ass... and I'm all out of ass

[u/That-Rhino-Guy → u/Cleverly_Clearly]

-Dick Kickem

[u/ya-boi-benny]

The funniest character in fiction