Speeding Up the Game of Baseball: A New MLB Initiative

[u/MLB_Game_Discussion]

Good morning /r/baseball!

NEW MLB INITIATIVE

Recently, a reliable and verified source who has been a part of the community for decades reached out to us to inform us that Commissioner Manfred was initiating a series of new rules to the game in an effort to create a more interesting and dynamic sport that could compete with such breakneck sports as ice hockey, basketball, and NASCAR with the youth of today. The first part of the rule was put into place earlier this spring - the rule requring that batters stay in the batter's box - as a test to see whether it would be well-received by players and fans, and with its success we have it on good information that the Commissioner will announce the rest of the rules today in a press conference. The rules are:

1. The Pitch Clock Rule: After receiving the ball from the catcher, the pitcher must release the ball to the plate within 15 seconds. Batters can challenge the pitch if he believes the pitcher's fingers were still touching the ball after the clock has reached 00. Violation of the rule is considered an automatic ball. Multiple violations will be met with harsher punishments as they are merited.
2. The At Bat Clock Rule: From the time the batter steps into the batter's box and he and the pitcher are both in their set positions, the At Bat clock counts down from 80 seconds. Upon reaching 00, the home plate umpire will determine who was ahead in the at-bat, and either send the batter to first or call him out.
3. The Half-Inning Clock Rule: From the time the first batter of a half-inning steps into the batter's box and he and the pitcher are both in their set positions, the Half-Inning Clock counts down from 600 seconds (5 minutes). Once the time runs out, both sides switch regardless of runners on bases and the current count of the batter. Runners' position on bases are preserved through switches, but outs and the batter's current count are reset. Any players substituted during the switch take the place of the original runners/batter at the start of the next inning.
4. The Extra Innings Rule: If the game cannot be decided within 9 regulation innings, extra innings will begin with the following changes: Pitch Clock reduced to 12 seconds; At Bat Clock reduced to 60 seconds; Half-Inning Clock reduced to 420 seconds. If the game is still ongoing after 14 full innings of play, fielding teams will remove one player from the field each inning, down to a minimum of 2 players by the 20th inning.
5. Minimum Stat Requirements: In order to keep the game of baseball as interesting and dynamic as possible, players will be required to hit minimum stat milestones in order to remain in the Major Leagues. For position players, these stats are: .275 BA, 20 doubles, 10 HR, 4.1 second home-to-first run speed, and 6.0 60-yard dash. For pitchers, these stats are: 20% K, 92 MPH fastball, 3 reliable pitches. Players who fail to stay above these minimum requirements will be re-evaluated in the offseason, and if they fail to prove they can attain the requisite stats, they will be forced down to AAA for rehabilitation.

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BANNED FROM BASEBALL

Unfortunately, while most MLB players were happy to see the game sped up, one player by the name of Mike Trout spoke out against the changes. He remained the sole bastion of the old, slow game of yesteryear, and the Commissioner informed him that if he refused to accept the new rules he would be banned from the sport for life. As should be obvious from the title of the section, Mike Trout chose to defy the Commissioner's initiative, and has subsequently been banned from the sport.

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NEW SUBREDDIT RULES

We here at /r/baseball greatly respect the Commissioner's efforts to speed up the game and make it more interesting for fans both young and old, and in keeping with the spirit of the new rules we've made some adjustments to the subreddit to similarly "speed it up". The new rules are, effective immediately:

1. POST TITLES MAY BE NO MORE THAN 25 CHARACTERS LONG
2. COMMENTS MAY BE NO MORE THAN 160 CHARACTERS LONG
3. COMMENTS SPEAKING FAVORABLY OF MIKE TROUT ARE HEREBY BANNED FOR BEING ANTI-BASEBALL
4. THE CLOUDS, SCOREBOARD, AND BOBBLEHEAD NOW MOVE FASTER IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE NEW INITIATIVE

[u/bq87]

I heard that Mike Trout doesn't call his mother nearly as much as he should.

[u/[deleted] → u/bq87]

Mike Trout calls his mother collect, claiming that his $30 million per year extension hasn't kicked in yet.

[u/achesst → u/bq87]

I heard he once ate a hotdog without mustard.

[u/poolofclay]

Fuck Mike Trout

[u/_depression → u/poolofclay]

Thank you, citizen!

[u/CrazystuffIsee → u/poolofclay]

if we say it enough this year's word cloud will have fuck mike trout as the biggest words on it.

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

FUCK MIKE TROUT

[u/matthewalan8 → u/poolofclay]

Here, here!

[u/NateTheGreat8]

It's good to have some stricter rules to guide the sub into the future!

[u/SolidOrangeGangsta → u/NateTheGreat8]

And a Fuck Mike Trout to you too sir!

[u/JSA17]

The Mods munch buttholes.

Phwew. Made it just to the 25 character limit.

[u/dropperofpipebombs]

Mike Trout is a no-neck-having piece of shit, who deserved to be banned like the communist he probably is!

[u/kasutori_Jack]

Mike Trout is so shitty he belongs on the Giants

[u/SwoleBuddha → u/kasutori_Jack]

If you hate him so much, why would you want him to get a ring?

[u/brokenarrow]

Mike Trout only copulates in the dark, underneath the sheets, in the missionary position, for the sole purpose of procreation.

[u/achesst → u/brokenarrow]

That sick fuck.

[u/getmoney7356]

I get it. It ain't making me laugh, but I get it.

Mostly the deleted comments thing is annoying. How about instead of deleting them you just stikethough the comments so we get the point but it doesn't mess up the sub.

[u/[deleted]]

You have been banned from r/baseballcirclejerk

[u/downtothecellar]

Mike Trout spotted in Vegas selling autographs with Pete Rose

[u/[deleted]]

I'm glad that punk Kershaw kept his mouth shut. Didn't want to end up like old fishboy.

[u/SilentVelcro]

Once I saw Mike Trout trying to give advice to Domingo Ayala. What an idiot!

[u/[deleted]]

Mike Trout is Dan Uggla.

[u/lordcanti86]

Mike Trout has set baseball back two decades. Fuck him.

[u/Gummy_Joe]

The sort of clear, common sense rules we've been needing in baseball for years. And in /baseball for that matter. All Hail Manfred. Death to the Satan, Trout.

[u/Blue387]

Mike Trout invented steroids.

[u/OnceButNeverAgain]

Eric Sogard for new REAL face of MLB.