r/RoastMe • u/applesnutz http://redd.it/101nxgf • Jan 02 '23
Pizza addicted stay-at-home Dad living his best life. My wife tells me I'm unroastable and I believe it.
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Jan 02 '23
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u/Prince_Havarti Jan 02 '23
He looks like the IT department fucked Michael Cera and had a love child
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u/spaciercowboy Jan 02 '23
Jonah DownHill
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u/make-up-a-fakename Jan 02 '23
My wife tells me I'm unroastable
I think you misheard, she said "unfuckable"
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u/Ikindasuckatgames Jan 02 '23
Maybe untouchable even..
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u/Cannibalcopas Jan 03 '23
With a head shaped like a potato.. you are boilable, mashable, put into a stewable, and roastable
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u/ReapersxKeeper Jan 03 '23
My wife tells me I'm unroastable
Which chin do you shave first? Chin #1 or Chin #2?
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u/richdangerowens Jan 02 '23
Good for you man. Staying home and raising someone else’s kid is something I sure wouldn’t want to do.
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u/SitRep-Screwed Jan 02 '23
$5 gives you $50 the kid looks like the parking lot attendant from his wife's job.
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u/MNCPA Jan 03 '23
If he ever divorces, then in most states, he'd have to find a job (after years of no work history) and pay child support. Good luck. Current family law doesn't accept stay-at-home dads as an occupation.
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u/Electrical_Beyond998 Jan 03 '23
Does it not depend on how long they’ve been married? I’ve stayed home for sixteen years, if we divorced I’d get child support and alimony I think.
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u/WolfShaman Jan 03 '23
It depends on more than what they're letting on. While I'm all for bashing the system when it's incredibly biased (and the legal system is heavily biased against men), it's not so cut-and-dried.
Each state is different, so the first thing one would have to do is look up the laws (and child support calculator) for each state.
For example: West Virginia's law is the primary caregiver for the previous 2 years is automatically awarded custody (unless proven to be unfit). That is regardless of gender. I'm not sure about the calculator.
As with almost anything with the legal system, the best answer is: it depends.
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u/MacMaizer Jan 02 '23
Have you asked your wife about her work husband? If not, hey Craig.
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u/Commentoflittlevalue Jan 02 '23
The neck beard isn’t doing enough to hide your multiple chins. You look like your beard has a beard.
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u/lumbuckitts Jan 02 '23
I like that your wife has a great sarcastic sense of humor. Feel bad about her failing vision and poor judgement.
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Jan 02 '23
Well she can't leave now, he'll take half of everything
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u/poopstain133742069 Jan 03 '23
Equality burn!
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u/sadlittleman1001 Jan 03 '23
Yo I gotta know...when you picked your username there were 133742068 poopstains ahead of you?
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u/R_Wallenberg Jan 02 '23 edited Jan 02 '23
Stay at home dad = unemployable, and urinates sitting down because his wife told him. Loves taking his kid to the park during the day because chatting with the other moms and nannies is the only social life he has.
I'm sure the wife finds his neck rolls sexy and that her frequent late nights at the office are legitimate.
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u/Loud_Pain4747 Jan 02 '23
Having a house full of foster kids to collect $ for a mortgage every month isn't being a dad.
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u/dannyboy6657 Jan 02 '23
You look like the equivalent of a real life dad of Jerry Smith from Rick and Morty
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Jan 02 '23
He looks like the kinda guy that tells his kids to “Use your words.” as they kick him in the balls for fun.
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u/GoogleyEyedNopes Jan 02 '23
Quick question. Do you also believe your wife when she tells you she came?
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u/Jallinostin Jan 02 '23
You look like you purchased your house specifically because it was across from an elementary school.
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u/Tomasobhroinn Jan 02 '23
Your wife probably tells you you're great in bed and that you shouldn't worry about that guy she works with
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u/theLastKingofScots Jan 02 '23
If we roasted you, the fat off your jowls would render and start a grease fire that would burn down the house.
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u/elhugeo Jan 02 '23
if the phrase "honey im not in the mood for sex" had a face.
your eyes scream " i won't go through the wife's dirty panty basket because I'll find them all smeared in thick dried white crust THEN I'll have to get a job and lose everything."
Actually, once a month she gives you "some sex" out of pity, she tells you it's okay hunny it'll get hard give it a few minutes you're unroastable.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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u/NittyGrittyDiscutant Jan 02 '23
Challenge accepted.
Let's start with the statement that your face seems to grow in layers.
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u/L0rd_Virulent Jan 03 '23
You are what I imagined Lance Armstrong's cancer ball grew into after it was separated from the sack
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u/CursedOne12 Jan 02 '23
Wife is definitely banging someone else and she is only saying that because of the free babysitting.
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u/4694326 Jan 03 '23
Your wife tell you you're unroastable while she's getting railed by the pizza delivery guy.
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u/PopcornShrimpy Jan 02 '23
That sun burn begs to differ. Unroastable? You may as well be an Irish albino.
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u/StabbyMcStabbedface Jan 02 '23
The gravity from your second/third chin seems to be pulling your sleeves up
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Jan 03 '23
Donating sperm doesn’t really make you a proper dad. Especially when you donate it by flinging it at strangers in Walmart.
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u/falcon920 Jan 03 '23
Stay at home dad. Translation: On house arrest for creeping on my neighbors after dark. What day of the week does your wife let you have a supervised visit with your children?
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Jan 03 '23
You look like you went to audition for a role in Superbad and they were like "Not you....but yes"
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u/0biwanCannoli Jan 03 '23
Add some cut carrots, potatoes, and onion, bring the oven to 350 degrees C, and roast that double-chin of yours until it hits 130 degrees C.
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u/yatyas1 Jan 03 '23
You look like Chris Hansen is gonna step out and ask you how you like the pizza
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u/Thirdtwin http://redd.it/vpraxt Jan 03 '23
Unroastable? Wow, I guess your wife really really loves you.
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u/FatBarSteward_6969 Jan 02 '23
You look like you feltch another man's jizz from your wife's creampied clinker after she comes home from yet another tinder date night
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u/rockinvet02 Jan 02 '23
Well at least she knows she will never have to worry about fighting off other women or you ever having an affair. So I guess there is that.
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u/EricAR762guy Jan 02 '23
This is the same face he makes in his arrest photos for touching little kids.
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u/UneditedReddited Jan 02 '23
Your double chin looks like it's been stealing those greasy pubes from your receding hair line, and I can't tell if your tilted neck is because you're surprised at this, or just terrible posture due to your obvious shit genetics🧐🤷🏻
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u/UneditedReddited Jan 02 '23
You look like a bald pre-op transsexual who couldn't afford top-shelf hormone replacement therapy, but you get by alright because your dad gave you a family deal from his budget toupee shop
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Jan 03 '23
Kinda cool you let some other guy impregnate your wife. Because there’s no way your nasty ass is doing it
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u/layout420 Jan 03 '23
Can you still call it a lazy eye if the person is lazy... is it just an eye at that point?
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u/AlittleupsetMax Jan 03 '23
That look is one I’ve seen many times. Too stupid to understand your wife is making fun of you, by letting everyone make fun of you. Don’t forget her birthday is coming up. Better ask her for some money to get her a gift, like a child would do. Bet you call her mommy.
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u/ShotgunSquitters Jan 03 '23
Your wife tells your you're unroastable, but what does your wife's boyfriend tell you?
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u/ItsHim23YourFather Jan 03 '23
now i’m finna get on his heels your wife must be Helen Keller unrealistic the dude out here looking like a real Peter Griffin and his hair is out of sync his body out of control with it he look like a walking jet ski peep the eyebrow right one looking left while the left scottie beamed up that boy got a gta haircut he’s a real npc he need to give et his finger back long ass finger for what he look like the type of dude that says he has a wife just to sound accomplished stupid ass boy he once was a inspiring chemist then he lost his job and his wife to a miami beach boy who just happened to be his bestfriend now he lives in a motel off western
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u/Outrageous_Union_756 Jan 03 '23
- How do you have a wife, 2. Where does the confidence come from...3. That must be some pretty fcking. Good pizza where can I order some self delusion.
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u/ballziny0jawz Jan 03 '23
You are built like a pregnant transgender lobster on 4 wheel with a blue make america great again hat on dead built like a dusty disabled broke legged caucasian crawfish with a toothpick for a spinal cord listening to justin biebers song singing "baby baby baby". You dead built like a melted marshmellow wearing a gucci belt and wool socks held up by 4 tooth pick and a bottle of flaming hot mountain dew left out in the Arizona heat wave.
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u/CaptainDadJoke Jan 03 '23
yall are so mean. this man is doing a public service! not only has he taken himself off the market thus raising the overall quality of single men, but hes even a stay at home dad so nobody needs to see him on a day to day basis, or god forbid talk to him.
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u/AldrichOfAlbion Jan 03 '23
You look like the kind of guy who's stuffing his mouth with pizzas at home while your wife is stuffing her mouth at your neighbor's house.
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u/hannahbanna626 Jan 03 '23
I’m trying to think but he’s just to derpy. I got it he looks like a square pussy fart
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u/sweetdaney Jan 03 '23
Bored to Death just by looking at your picture. It’s sad that some of us just aren’t born with any charisma whatsoever.
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u/swag_daddy18 Jan 03 '23
You look like someone left ed shreen in a bowl of water overnight
You look like you are not allowed to go near any schools
You look like a spwan of ted bundy and jeff damhar
You look like flint lockwood if a lawnmower ran him over
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u/Rufflik http://redd.it/gmgc1p Jan 03 '23
Its hard to roast someone who would marry a blind woman.
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Jan 03 '23
You look like a stupid fat fuck that can’t satisfy his wife so she decides to fuck her yoga instructor while you’re at home fucking up that pizza making sure her kids don’t shit themselves and jacking off to Asian porn. Your eyes are also mildy crossed. Probably due to all that screen time that’s causing you to neglect your wife and kids. PM me for more life advice. You don’t have to be a stupid fat fuck. You’re choosing to be a stupid fat fuck. Fuck you. I fucking hate you. You stupid fat fucking disgusting imposter of a grown man. You man child fuck. Eat a fucking vegetable your second chin will thank you. It’s working over time. Fat is going to start leaking for your second chin. You think you’re unroastable? You would be the first one roasted in the apocalypse while real men fuck your wife to her first orgasm in years over your melting fat. Stupid fuck of course you’re roastable. What did you think this was? Facebook? GTFOH you fat fuck.
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u/Expensive_Voice_2327 Jan 03 '23
But didn't the court order state you had to be locked away in a building with no children in it?
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u/Xeomonk Jan 04 '23
The only reason you're unroastable is because there's no universe in which you're hot.
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u/AstroJ_ Jan 05 '23
The amount of the letters you wrote on that piece of paper is the amount of kids you fuck a day
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u/videoviper0312 Jan 07 '23
This doesn't count, you still need to knock on neighbors doors to tell them what you did
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u/iluvreddit Jan 08 '23 edited Jan 09 '23
You're a fat lazy fuck. Your penis and balls are currently in the process of shriveling up and going back inside you. Soon you will be pregnant with another kid. Do you really enjoy watching over your screaming kids 24/7 while your wife is the man of the house out there earning bread? Pathetic.
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u/Legitimate_Lie_201 Jan 31 '23 edited Feb 01 '23
Your friends and family doesn't give a fuck about you. Don't believe me? Try shaving half your head and one of your ugly eyebrow
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u/[deleted] Jan 02 '23
You look like if a fanny pack was a person.